Chapter 47 #2
He found her exactly where he knew she would be. Thankfully the moon was full so he could see her silhouette as she sat in the fresh dirt, even though her black clothes did their best to hide her.
She had her knees pulled up to her chest and her head was buried in them as her whole body shook. Nikias picked up his pace until he was kneeling in the dirt beside her. He gently reached out and placed a hand on her shoulder, whispering, “Aimilia.”
She looked up and wiped at her eyes, choking out, “Am I that predictable?”
“I think you just don’t realize how well I know you.”
“You didn’t have to come out here after me.” Aimilia rested her chin on her knees, looking over at him.
“I didn’t have to, you’re right. I wanted to.”
He stayed where he was and she kept watching him in the moonlight. He didn’t know what she was looking for, but he stayed exactly where he was. He waited for her to question his motives again, to accuse him of being there only to wear her down, but they never came.
Instead, she whispered, “Why?”
He nodded toward the fresh dirt plot in front of them and said, “Last time either of us was in front of a grave, you were there for me even though you didn’t have to be.
At the reception you found me and you brewed that tea of yours because you knew I wasn’t sleeping.
You pretended it was because of Gavril, but he told me the truth.
It was your idea to help me that night. That’s why I’m here. ”
Aimilia turned back to face the grave. “So you’re repaying a debt.”
“You are determined to misunderstand every word out of my mouth.” Nikias let out a soft huff of laughter. “I just… I want to be here. I have no expectations. There are no strings attached.”
Aimilia looked at him again. “My mother and Uncle Cyprian are trying to strongarm me into not competing.”
“They can’t make you give up the right to compete,” Nikias said, as much as he wished she would.
He couldn’t deny a large part of that was because he wanted her to finally just choose him, but after having to send her into the collapse at the stadium and then barely reaching her in time to save her during the ambush, Nikias couldn’t stomach seeing her in any more danger.
His nightmares were dark enough without adding more fodder for his mind to torture him with.
“I know.” Aimilia blew out a long sigh. “They’re just making this harder than it needs to be.”
“Usually that’s your job.”
Aimilia laughed and Nikias was filled with a warm rush of pride at earning the sound. She shook her head at him. “You should be nicer to me. I’m in mourning.”
“Big words coming from the girl who openly insulted me at the reception for my wife’s funeral.”
Aimilia’s mouth fell open at the mention of Faustina and Nikias’ heart started to race. Maybe he shouldn’t have said anything. He almost never mentioned Faustina—
“What was it I even said?” Aimilia shook her head as her laughter died down. “I don’t remember.”
Nikias closed his eyes. Had that been the very beginning for him? The first time he’d seen Aimilia as more than just the brat attached to his brother? Or rather, the following morning when he discovered Gavril hadn’t actually strongarmed her into being nice to him?
“You called me a bad liar and said something about the bags under my eyes being like the Abyss.” Nikias held his tongue about the fact that she’d also confidently asserted that he needed her and would one day admit it.
He wanted her. There was a difference. But, on the other hand, Nikias had no idea what he would do without her.
Instead, he just shrugged and let out a soft laugh. “You were right.”
Aimilia stared at him for a long moment before her lips twitched into a smile that was certain to haunt him as she whispered, “Who are you and what have you done with Nikias?”
“It’s been a long few years.”
“This past one has been the longest year of my life.” Aimilia nodded, letting go of her legs and shifting so she was leaning toward him, one hand braced on the ground. “So, what’s the verdict?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, am I getting a fair shot at this thing?” Aimilia blew out a long breath as she looked up at the stars. “Or should I accept my fate because you and your mother will be among the judges?”
Aimilia’s tongue punctured the word fate as she twisted the ring on her finger that gave him hope that soon his name might join it in adorning her even as something heavy hit the air with that one word.
The same question Nikias had been turning over in his head ever since Aimilia revealed she intended to compete.
“My mother certainly doesn’t want you to win.” As little as Nikias had been paying attention, that much was clear. Not that he needed to hear her say it. “She made that clear last night.”
Aimilia closed her eyes and nodded, the tension in her shoulders betraying what she believed his answer would be.
“So that’s why I’m having our papers swapped out so whatever is written on them will match Commander Prisca’s and Commander Salus’. Whether you win or lose, it will all be on your own merit.”
Aimilia’s eyes flew open and she breathed out, “Really?”
He nodded and her fingers dug into the dirt. Her eyes filled with water and it took everything in Nikias not to pull her into his arms. He was going to follow her lead. Whatever she wanted or needed from him was hers, not what he thought would bring her closer.
Her voice came out shaky as she said, “Thank you.”
“Don’t thank me. You deserve a fair shot.” Nikias held her gaze. “I’m sorry that I’m the one who put that in jeopardy.”
Aimilia’s gaze softened, that tender look returning and burning onto Nikias’ heart. “You…”
Then she quickly pulled it away and looked back at the grave, but her cheeks had a faint tinge of pink to them. She reached up and wiped at her eyes before looking back at him. “Have I ever told you how much of a pest I was when I was little?”
“You never had to tell me. I knew you were from the first day I met you.”
Aimilia laughed again. “No. I mean, specifically for my grandfather. I knew I wanted to be a commander because he was and my father was, and when I was little, especially after my father died, I was always escaping the nanny and my tutors and trying to follow him around so I could learn the job. Of course, after the first few times it quickly ended, I got cleverer about it, and I was hiding in wardrobes and under tables and trying to cast illusions all so I could learn how to be the best commander possible.”
“I am not in the least surprised by any of that.”
Aimilia smiled. “Neither was my grandfather. He thought it was funny. I think he knew I was there more often than he didn’t, but he let me stay hidden to reward my creativity. I wasn’t in the way at least.”
Nikias couldn’t stop the image from coming to his mind of Aimilia as an even more annoying and precocious child trailing after her grandfather. He could almost see it in his mind, her grandfather looking at the wardrobe knowingly, but only smiling and keeping his silence.
Nikias whispered, “He must have really loved you.”
Aimilia tilted her head, blinked, then tears welled up in her eyes. She reached up and tried to wipe at them, her voice watery, “He did. I can’t tell you why, but he did.”
Nikias could.
It baffled him that for so long he hadn’t, but now he couldn’t imagine ever not loving her.
Aimilia closed her eyes but the tears kept coming out and a soft sob came out. “I—I’m never—going to see him again.”
He leaned forward, brushing his hand against her knee. She opened her eyes, tears still rolling down her cheeks. He froze.
Then she was the one moving forward. Slowly, she reached out, pushing herself onto her knees, and there was a question in her eyes.
Nikias managed only a brief, breathless nod.
Aimilia, inch by inch, crawled into his lap, wrapping herself around him, burying her head into his neck.
She could probably feel his heart jolt and race as he wrapped his arms around her, encasing her in his grip, palm splayed out over her shoulder blades, trying to steady her body as it shook with soft sobs.
He ran his hand up and down her back as he rested his head against hers while she soaked his cloak with her tears. Her fingers clenched into the fabric of his chiton and he tightened his grip as her lips brushed his skin with each broken cry that escaped.
The words he’d sworn to himself he could not say until he heard them first from her were rising in his throat. He pushed them back down and instead held her as she mourned, an honor he would not soon forget.
If his dreams of her over the last year had been testing his willpower, having Aimilia clinging to him like… like he was her husband. Like she knew that she could always come to his arms for anything because she could rest in his love for her.
He shifted his hand slowly up and down her back and whispered, “I… If I could do only one thing with my life, Aimilia, I would go back and I would send you here. I’m so sorry I didn’t.”
Aimilia’s soft sobs grew louder. Nikias would hold her as long as it took. He’d stay there for the rest of their lives if he needed to.
However, that wasn’t necessary when Aimilia’s sobs eventually stopped. But she didn’t move from her position, still clinging to him. Nikias was content to have her in his arms as long as she would stay.
He could feel Aimilia’s breathing slow and steady as her grip loosened. Her head stayed nestled against his neck, and Nikias was torn between worry and hope. What did any of this mean?
Was she about to pull away and all this would become yet another moment that meant everything to him and nothing to her?
Her hands shifted and Nikias tried to steel his heart, but Aimilia didn’t pull away. Her hand just brushed over his arm, but her fingertips paused over the scratches his mother had left on his arm, and his heart leapt into his throat.
She murmured, “What’s this?”
“It’s nothing, really,” Nikias said, shifting his arm, trying to dislodge her hand, but it was too late.
Aimilia lifted her head and with her other hand pushed his cloak back so she could look at the scratches. The same white-hot shame started to claw up his throat, and his instincts were screaming at him to push her away, to hide the wound, to convince her nothing happened.
Instead, he stayed where he was and let her stare at the wounds, gently brushing her thumb over the healing scratches. A shiver went down his spine.
“Was this… last night?” Aimilia looked back up at him. “Your mother—I didn’t even think—I just left you alone—”
He reached over and placed his hand over hers. “No. It was…”
She knew. There was no point in hiding it, and she claimed it didn’t make her respect him any less.
“It was today, at the funeral. My mother was not happy with my behavior.”
Aimilia’s brow furrowed. “But you didn’t do anything. All you did was comfort me, and not even in any noticeable way.”
Nikias sighed. “My mother is… very stressed right now.”
Her voice hardened. “That’s doesn’t make it alright.”
“I didn’t say that.”
Aimilia leaned back into him, curling into the crook of his shoulder. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s not your fault. I endured it and would again without a second thought if it meant I could make that moment even just a little bit easier.”
Aimilia closed her eyes. “You… When you say things like that…”
But she didn’t finish her sentence. She just leaned against him as the soft breeze wrapped around them. Eventually her breathing evened out, and she dozed off against him.
Nikias gathered her up in his arms and carried her back to the estate. As they got closer, he cast an illusion to hide them from the guards. He was not going to have Aimilia be trapped into marrying him in order to save her reputation, especially when he’d done nothing to truly ruin it.
He snuck them back into the main house and found her room. He set her on her bed, removing her sandals and pulling the blanket up over her as she buried her head into the pillow. Nikias knelt by her side, brushing his thumb over her cheek.
He was certain.
He would do whatever it took to ensure Aimilia would have a shot at becoming the Head of House Mitis through her own merit. And if that meant she never married him… so be it.
He loved her so much he would rather her be happy even if it meant never having her love in return.
Her eyes fluttered open for a brief moment and her hand caught his. She whispered, “Nikias… I don’t blame you, and I’m glad you kept me in Areator and took me with you. I wouldn’t trade that for anything.”
Then her eyes shut again and Nikias pulled her hand, pressing his lips to her palm, and he breathed out without a sound, “Amata.”
Beloved.
She wouldn’t hear it, but Nikias could not hold it in any longer.
He didn’t need to hear it back in this moment. He just needed to finally speak it into existence.