Chapter 51 #2
And the last thing he wanted to hear from the woman he loved was her insistence he should. She would never understand it was her or no one.
He took his other hand and placed it over hers. “That’s not your burden to carry. You should be worrying about yourself and getting through these trials safely, not me and my little bruises.”
Aimilia closed her eyes. “I can’t help it.”
Of course she couldn’t. Always desperate to be needed. Always looking for something to be rescued. Someone she could be the hero for.
It didn’t mean she cared about him.
He lifted her hand from his arm and pulled himself out of her grip, but her eyes flew open as he did so. “Not because I think you need me, Nikias.”
He tilted his head.
“I…” Aimilia took a short breath. “How are you doing after the first trial?”
Nikias pulled his hands back to rest on the arms of his chair. “I’m not a savage who enjoys watching a woman have her throat ripped out by a three-headed dog, if that’s what you’re asking.”
It wasn’t, but Nikias would rather invoke her fury than go down this road.
“Nikias, I wasn’t there, but I’ve heard enough.
Don’t act like that scene didn’t strike close to home for you.
Just because you’ve got it in your mind you’re ready to marry again doesn’t mean that wouldn’t bring up bad memories.
” Aimilia shifted the tray to the side so she could face him.
“We can say her name. That whole scene looked like Faustina’s death, didn’t it? ”
Nikias did his best most days not to think about Faustina.
She was dead and buried, and he had been in his darkest days when he had let her ghost and his thirst for a blood-soaked vengeance take over. Better not to think of her at all than be reminded how he’d failed her in life and death.
“What do you want me to say, Aimilia?”
She sighed. “I don’t know. Are you… What are you thinking? Or feeling? Are you alright?”
He laughed. She was worrying about if he was alright when she’d been the one covered in her cousin’s blood trying to save her life?
“I…” Nikias shook his head. “I don’t know. All I saw was you covered in blood, and that’s what terrified me, not knowing how much of it was yours.” He caught her gaze. “I wasn’t thinking about Faustina. I was worried about you.”
Aimilia shifted back, the pink tinge returning to her cheeks. “Oh…”
“I’d much rather talk about you anyway.” Nikias leaned forward, turning his hand so he could take hers.
“What about me?”
He ran his thumb over her pulse. It skipped. Dare he read into that? Or was it just another sign he should ignore because it couldn’t possibly mean anything?
He asked, “Why are you doing this?”
Her eyes widened. “What?”
“What is this all about for you?” Nikias’ hair brushed his jaw as he leaned in even more. “Why do you want to be the Head of House Mitis so badly? Tell me it’s not just so you can have an excuse not to marry me.”
“Nikias…” Her eyes darted down to their hands. Beneath the bruises, the faint scars of his past religo lines could be seen. She looked back up. “If I don’t, then they’ll try to make me marry you or disown me.”
Nikias’ stomach dropped, but he couldn’t tell her just how much that terrified him too. “I wouldn’t let them.”
She sighed. “Look… if you… If you meant what you said, then you should be on my side. If I win, then I have options, so if…” Her eyes dropped to his scarred wrist.
“If?”
But Aimilia didn’t elaborate. She narrowed her eyes at him.
“I’m a commander who graduated at the top of my class, but in the years I’ve had my position, I’ve never once had the chance to prove I deserved it.
I especially won’t let everyone think I only got my commander’s cloak because of my closeness with Gavril and didn’t deserve it. ”
Her words were a painful echo of another woman’s, but Nikias could only focus on one word.
“If?” Nikias repeated again, pushing himself up slightly, braced against the arms of his chair.
“If I win, then I remain in control of my life and prove my worth.” Aimilia lifted her chin.
Nikias moved even closer. He slid his hand to cup the back of her neck as he leaned in, stopping himself right before their lips touched. Aimilia went completely still. Nikias dragged his eyes up from her lips to her eyes and he whispered, “That’s not what you meant. There was a second if.”
Aimilia’s hands braced against his shoulders again, but not pushing him away. “I… I told you. If I win, I prove my worth.”
She was a truly terrible liar.
“Aimilia, even when you were fighting for your life and position, you were thinking about me. You woke up, worrying about me.”
Aimilia’s eyes closed. “You’re reading into it.”
“You don’t hate me.”
“Nikias—”
“Are you going sit here and tell me that you still hate me when moments ago you were brushing your fingertips over my wounds? Are you going to act like you hate me when it’s only been a few weeks since you tried to kiss me? When you clung to me after the funeral?”
Her cheeks were a vibrant pink and her warm breath brushed against his skin. “You—you were right. I was sad and lonely and you were there.”
He brushed his thumb over her cheek. “You’re not disgusted by me. You’re not repulsed by me.”
Aimilia’s voice trembled. “You know full well I’m not.”
“Then what do you feel for me?”
“I… I don’t know.”
Nikias shifted closer, bracing his hand on the cot as he leaned down. There was only so much distance left. If he kissed her, would she kiss him back? Should he have thrown caution to the wind and kissed her back in that little town?
But Aimilia turned her head.
The sound of porcelain clattering had Nikias jumping back a second after Aimilia turned her head, especially as Aimilia hissed.
Nikias looked down to see he’d knocked over the cup and pot, sending the hot liquid onto the cot.
He scrambled to grab the tray and move it out of the way while Aimilia kicked the soaked blanket off her before the hot liquid could do any more damage.
Nikias set the tray on the ground, but the tea was unsalvageable. At least pretending to fuss with it gave him something to do to distract himself.
She’d turned away.
Aimilia dumped the blankets on the ground. He looked her over as she ran her hand across her leg, but there were no obvious burns and she didn’t seem to be injured.
Nikias’ hands were shaking. He didn’t know what to do now. What did she want from him?
“Nikias, I—”
Nikias moved back to her, sitting on the edge of the cot. “Aimilia, please, don’t toy with me.”
“I’m not. I just… I can’t promise you anything.” But he could hear what she wasn’t saying. “And right now, getting through this tournament is the most important thing. I can’t… You have to let me get through this before anything else.”
“Will going through this give you the answers you’re looking for?”
“Will going on this mission give you what you’re looking for?”
His own fateful question echoed in his head, no matter how hard he tried to bury the memory.
Aimilia took a deep breath, her voice weak and watery. “I think so.”
Faustina’s response echoed next. “Yes.”
But this was not the past. Aimilia wasn’t Faustina.
Without another word, Nikias reached into his pocket and pulled out the engagement necklace with his name etched onto it.
Aimilia let out a soft gasp. “Have you had them all this time?”
Nikias took her hand and turned it palm up, placing the necklace with his name on it into her hand as he caught her gaze. “I have carried them with me every day since I made them. But… I’m not going to ask you to marry me again.”
Her eyes doubled in size. “You’re not?”
Nikias closed her fist around them, squeezing her hand. “No. You know I’ll be yours the second you so desire it. For whenever you find the answers you’re looking for, if you choose me, wear it and I’ll know your answer.”
Aimilia whispered, “And what if I never do? How long will you wait before you finally find another wife?”
“I’ll wait for the rest of our lives, Aimilia. If I don’t marry you, I’m not marrying anyone. I don’t want just a queen or a mother to my children. I want you. I—” The words caught in his throat. Her own voice echoed in his ears from his nightmare.
His scar burned and the memory of Hypatia’s vision threatened to overwhelm him.
And before he could try to overpower the clawing agony of saying those words and never hearing them in return, Aimilia held the necklace to her chest. “I… I understand, Nikias.”
Nikias shifted back, nodding and swallowing the words once more.
He didn’t have any idea what else he was supposed to do. It wasn’t a rejection, and somehow that was worse.
He turned on his heel and hurried to the door, just barely hearing a soft “Thank you” as it shut behind him.