Chapter 30 #2
“It was something that my mom put me in as a kid and I was just naturally good at it. Coaches pushed my mom into making me do swim meets and competitions and sure it was fun at first, and then I got to high school, and I couldn’t do what everyone else was doing.
I had to keep my grades up and monitor my diet and focus on training and I just felt like I missed out on having an authentic teenage experience. ”
“Why didn’t you say no? Why didn’t you quit?”
He shakes his head. “I didn’t want to disappoint my mom. She worked so hard with me and Dan. No help from anyone, I couldn’t do that to her.”
She twists her lips. “What happened when you got to college?”
He sighs, leaning back into the seat. “That’s where I messed up. I had a lot more freedom than I was used to. The guys on the team were cool. More relaxed. Party people. It was fun and I got ahead of myself and you know the rest,” he says, meeting her eyes.
“Lucy,” she finishes softly.
“Lucy.”
“Do you regret it?” she asks, tilting her head. He shakes his head.
“No. I will never admit this to anyone else but I’m glad Kareena got pregnant. It gave me a quicker way out because I knew eventually, I wouldn’t be able to keep up.”
Her eyebrows move together. “Keep up?”
He shrugs. “I knew I’d drop the ball eventually.”
She scoffs. “How could you have possibly known that?”
“It’s what I do.”
She shakes her head, looking down at her hands. “That’s called a self-fulfilling prophecy and a rather negative one.”
“Yeah, I guess so,” he says, looking at her from the corner of his eye. “What are you thinking?”
She sighs, leaning forward to grab his hand. “I’m thinking that you put way too much pressure on yourself and that you need to learn to take a step back and take it all in every once in a while.”
He nods, humming as he watches her dance her fingertips across his palm.
“So software engineering became your backup,” she murmurs, tracing his lines. He wets his lips, the tips of her fingers brushing over areas he didn’t realize were so sensitive until just now.
“I thought it would sound good to my mom. Software engineer as a son has a nice ring to it,” he says, chuckling weakly.
Jahlani tuts, dragging her index finger down the middle of his palm to the edge of his hand before starting over again. He’s embarrassed at how he starts to press against the seam of his shorts, but fuck she has to know what she’s doing, right?
“What would you have done then?” she asks.
“I can’t tell you,” he says, pressing two fingers to his lips, watching her.
Her eyes flick to his and she applies less pressure. “Well, now you have to tell me, otherwise I’m going to think the most outlandish things.”
He shakes his head, lips parting when lifts his hand up to her mouth.
“A magician?”
“No.”
“Sex therapist?”
“Nope.”
“Dental hygienist?”
“You’re so close.”
“Come on, just tell me,” she says, pressing a soft kiss to the inside of his wrist and it’s impossible to hide his hard on at this point.
“Truthfully, I’d love to get my business license. I’d love to own something someday. Probably the bar.”
“That sounds perfect,” she murmurs, brushing her lips against his thumb.
“Yeah?” He breathes out, all the blood seeming to rush from his head.
“You’d be so good at it, Roman. You’re very charismatic and determined. You fit there,” she says, pressing a bolder kiss to his palm. “You should look into it.”
“Can’t,” he drags out, closing his eyes. His cheeks flush from her praise and her lips.
“Why?”
“Lucy. No time,” he says, choppily trying to calm himself down. His eyes fly open when he starts to feel the flat of her tongue over his index finger.
“Jahlani,” he says, dragging her mouth to his. “You should really stop before I’m forced to take drastic measures.”
“Like?” she whispers, teasing.
“Like, screwing you in my car.”
“Oh,” she says, eyes flicking down. “I’ve never done that before. I don’t know if …” She trails off, meeting his eyes again. “I want to try.”
Fuck.
Leaning forward, he catches her mouth, pushing the plastic bag from her lap with the food in a frenzy.
She tastes of the milkshake and the salt of the fries.
Grabbing her waist, he helps her maneuver over the console and hover his lap.
Her hair is still wet from their time in the pool, but he reaches up to take it out of its bun, letting her braids shroud them.
“You always do that,” she murmurs against his mouth, shifting closer but not fully resting her weight on him. “You always take my hair down.”
“I like it”—he threads his hands into her scalp—“when it’s down. You always have it up at work and it drives me crazy because I want to do this.” He tugs against the roots gently to expose her neck. “And this,” he says, massaging her head gently while he drops soft kisses to her neck.
She sighs, finally dropping herself onto him and he groans. Her hands fist against his chest as she holds herself steady.
“Okay?” he asks against her neck.
She nods slightly. “Yeah, I just don’t want to hurt you.”
He lets out a broken chuckle. Please fucking hurt me, he wants to say but decides not to. Instead, moving both hands to drag her cover-up to her waist, and press her against him. Looking down at him, her teeth pull over her lip as he guides her over him.
“You’re not hurting me, Jahlani.”
He presses an open-mouthed kiss to her lips before leaning back to drag her over him again.
“Roman,” she says through a breathless moan.
Her hands fist his shirt tighter, her mouth dropping back to his as he moves her faster over him. His hands move to untie her bikini top, and he drags the green fabric from her chest and throws it to the side.
She pulls back from his mouth when his hands slide under her cover-up, over her stomach, and ghost over both her taut brown nipples. Her hips stop moving and she lets out a strangled gasp.
“Keep going, Jahlani.”
Her dark eyes meet his as she moves above him again, lips parting, another shuddering moan escaping as his hands roam her chest. Her hips start to bear down harder, and he groans at the teasing sensation.
“This is everything I didn’t know I needed, Jahlani, you know that?” he says, while tugging on her chest.
“Roman,” she breathes, hips melting against him.
“I love when you call my name like that,” he says, pinching her nipples.
“Roman,” she rasps, her chest heaving. “I’m—”
Her hands tangle with his own against her chest, not pushing, not encouraging him to touch her a certain way, not to pull them, they just rest on top delicately as she breathes out a series of expletives.
She snaps her hips against him a few more times before she’s moaning excessively in the cabin of his car, her fingers curling to apply a slight pressure against the veins in his hands.
And a sudden thought strikes him as he watches her come undone, their hands pressed together, his length desperate to be inside her.
How much longer do we get to do this?
She falls forward, breathing heavily and he moves her hair to the side, pressing a soft kiss to her ear.
“At Thanksgiving dinner, you said you were staying temporarily. What does that mean?” he says, against the shell of her ear. He kisses against the piercings that glint on her ear, and she shudders.
“What?”
“Thanksgiving. What did you mean?” he says, his hand tightening on her hips.
She sits up, blinking slowly. “You really want to talk about this now?”
He leans back to look in her eyes. “I just want to know what it means,” he says, cupping her jaw. Her eyes bounce all over his face.
“You know what it means, Roman,” she whispers.
And suddenly that clock becomes more vivid in his head. He licks his lips, tightening his hold on her face.
“Do you want this, Jahlani?”
This. Us. You. Me. Together.
The silence is deafening in the car. She turns her head. “I don’t know.”
And really, he’s not surprised by her response.
It’s inherently Jahlani. And he would have believed her if he didn’t know her so well.
And he does know her well. And it makes him want to laugh and cry and jump for joy but also scream at The Fates for making him fall in love with someone who is so determined to not feel too much.
But he knows she’s not ready to hear that and he’s already treading on dangerous waters with this conversation, so he shoves it down.
“Well then,” he says, drawing her face back to him to kiss her cheek, “you have time to figure it out because I already have my answer. In the meantime, I’m going to keep looking at you.
I’m going to kiss you when I feel like it, and hold you when I see you, and fuck you every time I have the chance because yes, you’re worth the risk, and no, nothing about it will be quick. ”
“And what if I say no?”
He shakes his head, adjusting her on his lap. “You won’t.”
“How do you figure that?”
“Because you want this as much as I do—maybe more,” he says, swiping his thumb along her mouth.
“It’s risky,” she murmurs, sliding her hands under his shirt. “We’d need some better rules of engagement.”
“Meaning?”
She inhales, thinking deeply as she runs her hands over his shoulders. “No eye contact at all during lectures. Don’t raise your hand during class. And no office hours anymore.”
He lets out a soft laugh. “So, you’re basically going to ignore my entire existence.”
She sighs, toying with a piece of thread on his shirt. “You and I both know that’s not possible.”
And it’s her admission that does it for him because he finds himself nodding, sliding his hands against her thighs.
“Yeah. Okay. I have one condition,” he says, leaning forward to kiss her.
“Mhm,” she says against his mouth.
“We don’t talk about you leaving,” he requests, dragging her cover-up over her head this time.
“Deal,” she says through a shiver, leaning down to catch his lips. “Roman,” she says after several minutes of haze-inducing kissing. She pulls back, meeting his gaze. “Don’t try to stop me from leaving.”
How much longer do we get to do this?
The question dries in his throat, his heart thundering in his chest.
He doesn’t say anything as he gathers her in his arms, pushing his shorts down, and then her bikini as he helps ease her down. Their foreheads meet as they breathe against each other.
She nods before letting him kiss her freely. Deeply. Slowly. Halting her when she tries to move against him. Pressing into her when she takes him in a little more. Sighing when she pulls at the hair on the back of his neck.
“Jahlani. Can I tell you something that will probably scare you shitless? You had me the minute you walked into class that day. I tried not to be curious about it. About you. I thought it would go away. I would barely see you. Plus, I had Lucy to worry about. How are you doing?”
She mumbles in response. He kisses her cheek. “Good. You’re doing so good.”
“Roman.” She sighs quietly, kissing his jaw as she rolls against him.
“I made up all these crazy ass scenarios in my head. That you hated kids, that you didn’t like guys with green eyes, that you were into something boring like bird watching. Which I actually think I’d be completely okay with if it was with you.” A strained, breathless laugh leaves her lips.
“And then I saw you that day, about to pass out. You didn’t even know, but I had a really shitty, rough day. Like—incredibly shitty. I was exhausted, but then I saw you. Do you remember?”
“I remember.”
“Right, so. Shitty day, desperate to go home, and then I see you. And you look even worse than I feel. And I’m wondering to myself, ‘Why isn’t anyone taking care of her?
’ And then I stepped to you and the question became, ‘Why won’t she let anyone take care of her?
’ And Jahlani, I really, really was so tired.
But I couldn’t leave you. I didn’t want to leave you.
I was just too damn curious about this woman. Scared yet?”
She swallows. “Like I’m watching a slasher … except I’m the main character who trips and falls.” He laughs into her neck before groaning when she starts to move faster.
“There’s nothing to be afraid of. I think I figured it out.
Figured you out. And I realized it didn’t matter if you didn’t like guys with green eyes, or that you hated kids.
All that mattered was that you were okay.
That someone was taking care of you, and at first it didn’t matter if that someone else was me or another man, but Jahlani,” he says, pulling back to look at her. “I really want it to be me.”
And then to his satisfaction, she’s contracting against him. Her head falls back, and he catches her wrist, caging them against his chest as her groans surround them. With one hand still trapping her wrists, he moves the other over her clit slowly.
She looks at him through hazy eyes, moaning his name as she grinds against his hand, coating his fingers, and that’s what does it for him.
The look of pure elation on her face.
“Jahlani,” he says, shuddering violently as he pulses inside her. His hips still as he breathes deeply against her collarbone. His fingers continue to brush against her, and the plane of her stomach, and her breaths turn heavier, louder, longer.
Her thighs grow tenser, and she’s arching into him, and then she’s gasping as she drives herself against him. He captures her mouth, kissing her, trying to imprint himself on every version of her.
How much longer do we get to do this?
Because he wants forever.