Chapter 35 If You Say So
IF YOU SAY SO
JAHLANI
That day, Jahlani does leave the house, finding herself on Teryn’s doorstep where she then curls into a ball on her mattress with Teryn and Derrick, her cat, in tow this time.
By the third day, Roman sends her a text of him and Lucy at the pool.
Later that night, he sends her an Uber Eats delivery of all her favorite snacks, which sets her off again.
On day four, she knows she can’t hide anymore. She cleanses her face as best as possible, trying to scrub any remnants of her tear marathon, and drives as slowly as possible to his house. Quite possibly, making the wrong turn on purpose.
With a shuddering breath, she gets out of the car. Within her being two feet of the door, it swings open, and he smiles down at her. Setting down her things, she walks into his arms, breathing him in.
“How are you feeling?” he asks, pressing a hand to her head, rubbing circles on her back.
“Good. Better,” she says, burying her face further into his chest. He pulls her face back, planting several quick kisses against her lips before dragging her inside. “Lucy?”
“She’s asleep right now,” he says in a low voice. He busies himself while she takes in the house. “There’s some leftovers that I can heat up if you want,” he calls out with his head buried in the fridge. “It’s fried rice—your favorite.”
Jahlani’s stomach clenches. “I’m not staying,” she says, tightening her grip on the basket. He turns, looking down at her shoes, only then seeming to notice she didn’t slip them off like she normally does. She doesn’t miss the flash of disappointment but decides to ignore it.
“I just wanted to drop this off for Lucy,” she says, setting the basket on the island.
He moves toward it, unwrapping it carefully.
She clears her throat. “It’s nothing crazy—just some books and toys.
” She trails off when he reaches the photograph of the three of them.
He goes quiet for an abnormal amount of time and nausea rises; she lowers herself onto the stool beside him.
He turns to face her, and she sees it then, in his eyes and before she can stop herself, her hand covers his mouth as she shakes her head. “No. Don’t say it.”
He pries her hand from him, his brows pinched. “What?”
“Don’t say it,” she repeats, more desperately.
“Say what?”
She sends him a look. “You know what.”
“What? That I love you?” Each syllable is a shot to her system, destroying the intimacy, leaving her bruised and torn.
Because she didn’t deserve them. She feels him reaching toward her, and she opens her eyes pulling back. “I told you not to.”
He reaches for her again, but this time she slides from the stool. She paces, rubbing her knuckles against her mouth.
“I got a job offer. I’m taking it.”
“What?” He breathes out, reaching toward her. “That’s incredible—”
“It’s the one in California,” she says, through trembling lips, her mouth drying as soon as the words fall out.
He blinks and then blinks again, rearing back. “California?”
She nods, her chest squeezing. “I—”
And then she watches all the puzzle pieces fall into place. He lets out a laugh, full of derision and she feels herself shrink. She nods, wiping away a tear before rushing to explain. “You had so much going on with Lucy and I didn’t want to distract you.”
“Little late for that, Jahlani.”
She shakes her head. “I’m sorry.”
“When are you leaving?”
She swallows, her skin crawling as the words fall past her lips. “I have to … figure some things out. Tie up some loose ends, but as soon as possible.”
He runs two hands through his hair. “Jesus Christ, Jahlani. Am I one of your loose ends?” He asks, looking toward her. “Don’t answer that.”
“Okay,” she says, lowering her gaze to the floor.
“So, what is this? Are you done?” He asks, his voice hoarse.
She nods, fighting a fresh wave of tears. “We have to be.”
He shakes his head, crossing his arms. “We don’t have to be.”
“Roman,” she says, wiping her face in exasperation. “You—
“Jahlani—”
She points a finger at him, stepping closer. “No. No. You said you wouldn’t do this,” she says, hissing. “You said so.”
“But that was before,” he says, rubbing his chest, like he’s in pain.
“Before what?”
“Before the idea of you leaving became real,” he finishes, his voice cracking.
Jahlani exhales, bracing her hands on her head. “Roman, please don’t make this harder.”
“Did you at least try to find something closer?” he asks, arms outstretched.
Her hands fall to her sides. “It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t change anything.”
“It changes everything,” he says, raising his voice. “I love you, Jahlani.”
“Roman, stop—”
“No. I’m fucking crazy about you—”
“Roman—”
“And you’re tearing us apart, and I cannot figure it out for the life of me. We could be so happy together,” he whispers, closing the space between them to grab her face. Her hands press to his chest to stop him.
“No.”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t want this.”
His eyes narrow and he draws her face closer. “You don’t want this?”
She nods. “You asked me that day in the car, and I didn’t know before, but now I do,” she says, trying to sound confident. “I don’t want this.”
He exhales heavily, his breath grazing her lips.
“You know, I’ve learned a lot about you the past few months and one of the biggest things is that you’re a terrible liar,” he whispers slowly.
“You love me, and I love you and I can’t—” He takes a breath.
“You know when you eat a piece of candy, but it’s not the normal kind, it’s the sticky kind.
It gets stuck to the roof of your mouth, and then your fingers when you’re trying to dislodge it, and it’s a pain, but it’s so fucking good you keep going back for more.
That’s what it’s like loving you, Jahlani.
I’m stuck. It doesn’t matter how far you go, nothing is changing for me. ”
She wipes her face with the back of her hand, shaking her head.
“But it changes everything for me.”
His hand tightens around her jaw. “Why?”
She throws her head back, groaning before meeting his gaze.
“Roman, picture in your head for just a second what that would look like. Flights aren’t cheap, it’s a thirty-five-hour drive, and a three-hour time difference.
Most companies don’t give PTO until you’re at least a year in.
Lucy can’t go extended periods of time without you, and I wouldn’t want her to. ”
He snorts, dropping his hands to his sides.
“You’ve got it all figured out, huh, Jahlani? Every possible reason as to why this won’t work, you’ve figured out.”
She narrows her eyes. “I’m being rational.”
“Well then, rationalize us working,” he yells, stepping back.
“I can’t,” she whispers. “I—”
“No, you won’t,” he says harshly. “And that’s the difference between you and me. I can see us ten, twenty, thirty years down the line. Why can’t you?”
She tilts her head back, before looking back at him. “Roman. I’m not the girl the guy chooses in the end. I’m the pit stop—the delayed layover to the final destination,” she says quietly.
“That’s bullshit, Jahlani,” he says, through gritted teeth, pinching the bridge of his nose.
“Not bullshit,” she whispers. “It’s not.”
The silence that surrounds them is deafening, and Jahlani takes a step forward when he pulls back, looking up.
“Okay, fine. Run away. It’s your thing. It’s what you do. You leave first now, right? So, you don’t get left behind anymore.”
Her lips part in shock. “What?”
He raises his fingers, letting them fall one by one as he speaks. “Your mom, your dad, your ex—they did that to you. They all left you. But I’m not them,” he says, pointing to himself. “I’m not going anywhere. I’m stuck.”
She wipes both cheeks with the front of her hand, sniffling.
“You’re right. I’m running away. I’m not ready for this.
I’m not healed from them, and I’m not okay.
I want to be okay, and I can’t do that with you right now.
You have someone else that needs you and one of these days, Roman”—her voice lowers—“you’re going to wake up, and you’ll have forgotten about me.
I’ll just be this … bump along the road when you meet the love of your life. ”
“That’s you,” he says in a thunderous voice, pointing to her. “You’re the love of my life. You’re the mother of my children. You’re the wife. You’re everything.”
She nods, wiping harder as more tears spill over. “If you say so.”
“I say so,” he says, crowding her space. “I fucking say so.”
And then he’s gathering her in his arms, giving her a hot, erratic, desperate kiss. It’s unlike any kiss they’ve shared. It’s pleading, and interminable, and bruising and she can’t breathe and it’s everything.
It’s perfect.
Need. Want. Mine.
But it can’t be hers.
So, with all the strength that she can muster, she pushes against his chest, separating them. She can feel him shaking, or maybe it’s her, but she steps back, untangling herself from him, unable to meet his eyes.
And maybe if the baby monitor he had set up on the island hadn’t crackled to life, if Lucy’s cries hadn’t broken through, maybe he could have come after her.
But she’s thankful that he doesn’t.
If this were a movie, this is the part where the guy and the girl go their separate ways.
Perhaps, after the girl leaves his house, rather dramatically, and peels out of the driveway, almost hitting a lone jogger, she stays in bed the rest of the week eating ice cream, hanging with her girlfriends, crying about a boy.
The scene cuts and the guy is moping around, but he’s not all that hurt.
In fact, his friends drag him out to a bar and convince him to lie under the next chick because there’s plenty of fish in the fucking sea and all.
But Jahlani knows this isn’t a movie. It’s so much worse.
It’s real life.
And if she’s learned anything from her twenty-six years of life, it’s that real life is punishing. It doesn’t care if you’re heartbroken. Even less when you’re the cause of said heartbreak.
And so, she’s not all that surprised when she receives an email two days later from the university, reminding her that she volunteered for commencement that weekend.
So, she scrubs her face with a ferocity she didn’t think she was capable of, applies some lipliner before deciding to wipe it off.
When she checks in, she’s ushered behind the stage, and is told she’ll be handing name cards to the reader. At this, her stomach shakes.
Now, there’s definitely no avoiding him.
“Jahlani.”
Her head snaps up, and she meets Professor Jackson’s somber stare.
“Professor Jackson? What are you doing here?”
He moves to stand next to her, placing his hands in his pockets. “I always work commencement. I didn’t expect to see you here.”
“I signed up a while ago.”
He nods. “I see. What are your plans after graduation?”
Jahlani balks at how much he’s talking and stammers out a response.
“Oh. Um, I’m … moving to California.”
His eyebrows pinch together. “California?”
She nods, her mouth drying. “Yeah. I didn’t realize at the time—or maybe they changed the location after, but, yeah. I’m going. Thank you,” she adds quickly, “for writing the recommendation letter.”
“Huh.”
Jahlani tilts her head, surprised by his nonchalance at her news. Most people would say “congratulations.” But then again, he wasn’t your average guy.
“What?” she asks, trying to gauge the expression on his face.
He shakes his head, scratching his temple with a single finger. “Nothing. I just thought—”
“What?” Her breaths quicken, and suddenly she’s heart-poundingly terrified by whatever he’s about to say.
He shakes his head. “I thought you were in a relationship with Mr. Hayes. Forgive me for my bluntness.”
Her lips part and her tongue suddenly feels heavier than she remembers as she shakes her head.
“Why would you think that?”
He shakes his head, his lips turned upward in a grimace. “Forgive me, it’s not any of my business. Congratulations on the job. I’m sure you’ll do wonderful,” he says, patting her shoulder twice, precise as ever.
“Thanks,” she murmurs, sounding dazed because he fucking knew and her head hurts and she has so many questions but he’s walking away from her.
“Professor Jackson,” she calls out. He stops, turning to face her. “Thank you. I hope everything works out for you.”
His eyes flash in understanding and he gives her a very minuscule smile, nodding his head before turning to leave.
As the hours trickle by, regret congeals.
As she takes each name card, she becomes more disgusted with herself.
She thinks about how she’s torturing him, and herself.
She thinks about how much this might ruin his day, and when she sees the top of his head, she nearly throws up.
When he spots her, confusion flashes and then smooths into impassiveness.
And something raw and painful opens inside her.
“Congratulations,” she says quickly, passing his card to the reader.
“Thanks,” he murmurs, walking up the steps and onto the stage.
And just like that, it’s over.
She stands until the final name is called, carved out, as she drops off the lanyard to walk outside to her car, fully prepared to go home and hide under her bed for the next three days, but a tall shadow leaning against it stops her.
“Roman,” she says, startled.
A green gift bag sways in his hand, and his gown still hangs from his shoulders.
“Here.” He sticks his arm out. “It’s from everyone.”
She shakes her head, refusing to move closer.
Why are you making this so hard?
His nostrils flare and his jaw clenches. “Take it, Jahlani. Danica will have my head if you don’t.”
She steps forward and takes the bag with shaky hands. “What’s it for?” She asks, her voice quiet.
He drags a hand down his face and sighs. “You graduated this semester too, Jahlani.”
She clutches the bag tighter, as her vision begins to swim. He turns to walk toward his car.
“Roman—”
He groans, stopping to face her. “Do you remember … when you asked me if this was just an itch that needed to be scratched?”
She nods, lowering her eyes. “I—sure. Yeah.”
He exhales deeply, sliding his hands into his pockets. “I wanted to tell you that it wasn’t an itch for me because I knew before you became my GTA. It was always a rash for me, Jahlani. Always.”
She scoffs through a laugh that steadily dissolves into tears down her face. She presses her palms into her eyes and nods.
For me too.
“I hope you get everything you’ve ever wanted,” he says softly.
“Don’t say that,” she says, wiping the back of her hand against her cheeks. “You’re supposed to … pray for my demise. You’re supposed to hate me.”
He sigh is rough. “I could never hate you, Jahlani.”
She opens her mouth to say something, but nothing comes out. With one last simmering look, he opens his car door and slides inside, not bothering to look back.
Want.
Need.
Not mine.