13. Emma
13
EMMA
“ Y ou sure you don’t want a glass?” Ana wiggles the wine bottle in my direction, then waggles her eyebrows to try and make it more enticing.
“No, thank you.” I tilt my head down to my water. “Trust me, I don’t think I’ll be having a drink for a little while.”
“So, tell us what happened.” Meghan finally walks back into Ana’s dorm room with a pizza box in hand. She sets it down on the table and drops onto the couch across from me while Ana lingers in the kitchenette, pouring herself another glass of wine.
“Wine?” she asks Meghan.
“Sure.” Meghan looks at me. “Spill it.”
“There’s really not much to tell.” Usually, I tell my girls everything at the first opportunity, but it’s taken me a few days to process what happened at the club. I need to tell them, though, to get it off my chest before I’m off to spend a suffering weekend with my parents.
“Girl, you vanished, had us worried for two days, then you think a talk soon text is enough to appease us?” Ana drops onto the seat next to me, tucking one leg underneath herself. “Spill.”
“Alright.” My grip tightens on the glass and I take a deep breath. “Honestly, I don’t know what happened. I remember leaving when you wanted us to do shots and then after that, everything is fuzzy and dark. I remember nothing, only a couple of flashes really. Like…someone in my apartment helping me undress. I remember them talking to me too, but the words are all…” Trailing off, I wave one hand to show it doesn’t matter.
“Anyway, the next day, Finn came round because he thought I’d skipped class because of what we did together. And he’d overheard you, Ana, worried about me on the phone, so he came to see how I was.”
“Aw,” Ana coos around her wine glass. “How adorable.”
Flashing her a smile, I continue. “Anyway, I was telling him that I didn’t remember much and he just snapped into this protective mode and immediately took me to the hospital. They ran some tests and did a rape kit?—”
“Emma!” Ana spills wine all over her leggings as she surges forward. “Are you okay?”
“Catching her outstretched hand, I smile strongly. “I’m fine.”
“Are you sure?!”
“Yes, I promise. The test was clear; there were no signs of anything other than a sedative in my bloodstream. Everything else came back clean.”
“Oh my God,” Meghan breathes. “So what do you think happened?”
“I have no idea. I can’t remember anything. There were no signs of anything on my body, so I guess I just…dreamed it or something.” My teeth lightly graze the inside of my cheek as Ana continues to crush my hand.
“I’m so sorry we weren’t there to help you!”
“It’s okay, Ana,” I assure her. “I was really shaken and confused, honestly I still am. But Finn was so…direct. He just snapped into action and got me help, and he was so soft and comforting, and it was just…” A smile pulls strong at my lips. “He was just lovely.”
“Do you think you’re sleepwalking again?” Ana asks, squeezing my hand once more. “Maybe…maybe that’s why you thought someone was in your apartment?”
“Then how the hell did she get home?” Meghan snaps.
“I don’t know,” Ana snaps back. “I’m just asking.”
“I don’t think I was sleepwalking,” I assure her. “I haven’t done that since my last breakup when things were awful and tense. But I’m not tense. I’m just stupid.”
“Hey, no.” Ana moves her hand up to my shoulder. “Don’t do that. You can’t blame yourself. These fuckers that like to slip everything and anything into people’s drinks just for kicks.”
A quiet snort from Meghan, however, derails our conversation and my stomach drops.
“Maybe you should have been more careful,” Meghan says when our gazes meet.
“What?”
“I mean, you have been kind of unfocused lately. Maybe if you weren’t flirting with multiple people and fucking anything with legs, then you wouldn’t appear easy.”
A shocked silence falls as I try to process exactly what she’s saying, and a stab of hurt lances through my chest.
“Wow,” Ana breathes out. “Where the fuck did that come from?”
“I’m just saying.” Meghan huffs. “Look, you just have to take some kind of responsibility, that’s all. Clearly nothing happened, so maybe you just drank too much?”
“How?” I snap sharply. “How does drinking too much put sedatives in my system, Meghan?”
“Well…” Meghan’s face pinches slightly. “Look, you’ve been flaunting yourself all over campus, and that always attracts the wrong kind of attention, doesn’t it? I’m not saying it’s your fault, I’m just saying at some point, you have to look at yourself and see the kind of signals you’re putting out there.”
“Meghan—” Ana starts but I cut her off.
“What the hell are you trying to say?” The hurt in my chest swells into a tight ball and my fingers go rigid against my glass. “I could be fucking everyone I meet and that’s still no excuse for someone to slip something into my drink, for games or otherwise.”
“I’m not saying it is,” Meghan shoots back. “It’s never okay, but you have to know what kind of attention you’re attracting. I mean sure, this turned out okay because you are fine and you have Finn’s attention?—”
“I didn’t do this for attention , Meghan! This was done to me, and I would have thought you’d have a bit more sympathy given how worried you were in those texts.”
“I was worried.” Meghan remarks. “I thought something awful had happened?—”
“Something awful did happen!”
“Because you’re acting like some kind of whore!”
I can’t speak. Words catch in my throat and all that comes out is a strange gargle as I try to process Meghan’s hurtful words. How is she painting this like it’s my fault? Like I asked for this?
“Meghan, that’s fucking uncalled for,” Ana snaps, taking over my side of the argument. “I was giving you a slight pass because we all know you were raised with a prude stick up your ass but that’s no excuse for?—”
“Prude?!” Meghan yells, rising abruptly. “This has nothing to do with that and everything to do with Emma and how she’s throwing herself out there inviting danger in. What if it had been you, huh? Or me? We don’t have people checking up on us.”
“Bitch, are you jealous?” Ana scoffs sharply. “Emma got drugged but it’s okay because a hot teacher came to check on her? That doesn’t make what happened any less fucked up!”
“No, but I have less sympathy when you bring it on yourself.”
“Get out,” Ana snaps. “Get out and don’t come back until you’ve learned that a woman’s actions or dress code don’t ever invite that kind of action.”
Meghan’s eyes narrow and for a moment, I hope that Ana’s words get through to her. A false hope. Meghan grabs her coat and storms out of the dorm room, slamming the door behind her.
I hold it together until I look Ana in the eye, and then the tears come.
“Is that…is that what she really thinks? I brought it on myself?”
“Oh, honey.” Ana slides closer and drapes an arm around my shoulders. I lean in close and tuck under her mane of hair. “I think she was raised by religious freaks and she has her own issues to work out about where the blame lies.”
“I would hate myself if anything happened to either of you because of me,” I weep, trying to wipe away my tears but they pour too quickly.
Ana scoffs lightly. “Listen. Creeps in bars and clubs will always be creeps, regardless of what a woman is wearing or doing. You pursuing fun with people isn’t the reason this happened, okay? If anything, you were just unlucky, and Meghan will get over herself and realize that you being okay and safe is much more important than how much dick you’re trying to gobble.”
She pulls a laugh from me, even though my chest is cracking open and Meghan’s words repeat around my mind like the hiss of a snake.
I thought my flirting was pretty well contained to the men I was interested in, but did that make me come across as easy to anyone else?
“I’m sorry.” My breath hitches with my gentle sobs. “I don’t understand how this got so messy so quickly.”
“Listen.” Ana tucks some of my short hair behind my ear and cups my cheek. “What happened is insane, but pretty fucking common, okay? It’s not a reflection on you, or anyone. It’s an asshole being an asshole, and Meghan is just too Puritan and stuck up to see that. You’re amazing and beautiful, and I’m sorry that it happened and I’m so fucking glad you’re okay.”
She kisses my forehead multiple times, peppering her affection until she draws another laugh from me.
Meghan is right about one thing. I have been a little reckless in terms of pursuing these men, especially Caspian. But I can’t deny how wanted I felt when Finn turned up looking for me. Even when Caspian was very concerned about what happened with my car, and Asher was so attentive when we were together.
Is it wrong to feel wanted? To enjoy all that? Am I inviting more trouble by trying to keep all three of them with me?
“I like them all, by the way,” I murmur into my sleeve as I wipe at my tears. “You remember when she said I was being a cheater? I thought about it, and I like all three of them. Is that wrong of me? Am I going to get people into trouble?”
“It’s not wrong,” Ana says with a smile. “I mean listen, I’m a little jealous that you’re attracting all these hotties but at the end of the day, you’re all grown up. You don’t have to put labels on it, and they are grown men. If y’all wanna fuck, then fuck. But remember.” She prods me lightly in my chest. “What happened at the club was not your fault, okay? And definitely not because you’re crushing on three different men. Fuck what Meghan thinks, okay? Focus on the good, and enjoy it.”
She leans away from me, snatching up a slice of pizza from the table. She takes a huge bite and moans softly. “Amazing.”
“God.” I wipe at my eyes once more, ignoring the sensitive burn of my raw eyelids against the fabric of my sweater. “This has been insane, and I have my dad’s birthday this weekend with the party and everything.”
“Maybe some time away will do you some good,” Ana says matter-of-factly. “You like all that nature shit, right? Maybe it’s the disconnect you need.”
“Yeah, I like all that nature shit.” I chuckle weakly. “Ana?”
“Yeah?”
“You don’t think I’m a whore?”
“No, honey,” Ana laughs, pressing a greasy kiss to my temple. “You’re living your life and I love that for you.”
Her words bring me more comfort than I can express. I lean into her and tuck my legs up while my attention drifts.
Ana’s right. Once I suffer through the party, it’ll be time for the cabin, and then I’ll be surrounded by nature.
That’ll be the best way to chase away the shadow from that night.
I hope.