CHAPTER FORTY-NINE
The Same Morning
I woke up a half hour earlier than Oliver. I lay there, feeling strange. I rubbed my eyes, wondering what was wrong with me. I had a dream… But as I tried to remember it, I felt it run away.
Chase it.
I was in a dark place, but there had been a light flickering behind me. A light that made me turn around—
I frowned, unable to remember what I looked at in my dream. Unable to grasp the figure that stood before me. I only knew I was in a dark place, and I wasn’t alone.
Chase it.
That part of me urged me to remember, to chase it, but I shook my head, knowing there was no reason to hold on. Life was about letting go. Of hopes and dreams and an unchanging past. I blinked at the ceiling, unable to shake the hollowness in my chest.
Ignoring the sleeping figure beside me, I quietly climbed out of bed and slipped into my slippers.
I trudged to the kitchen. The silence was interrupted by the intermittent clicks of the air conditioner and the constant low hum of the air purifier.
I didn’t look into Rowe’s bedroom as I crossed it down the long hallway.
I stepped into the spotless kitchen and began Oliver’s breakfast. Like a robot, I air fried two strips of bacon and boiled one egg.
I put a few spoonfuls of plain yogurt into a small bowl and sprinkled raspberries on top.
I put two slices of multigrain bread into the toaster, ready to push down when it got close to serving.
Then I removed the butter from the fridge and set it on the table with a butter knife at the ready.
“Smells good.”
His morning voice, gruff with sleep, cut through the air. A shiver raced down my spine. I stilled, trying to understand the cold feeling that bore into me upon hearing his voice.
I looked over my shoulder and smiled at him.
He was working from home today, but he’d showered and dressed in casual slacks and a polo shirt.
He came to me and wrapped his arms around me.
His scent fell around me as he dotted kisses along my shoulder and neck.
“You were already sleeping when I got home,” he uttered, biting gently at my earlobe.
I nodded. “I’ve been so tired lately.”
“Are you due?”
For my period, he meant. I nodded, keeping my voice light. “I am.”
“What are our chances?”
I spoke through the lump forming in my throat. “We’ll know soon enough.”
He let go and went about pouring himself coffee. I watched him from the corner of my eye, at his easy grace. There were no stiff movements or frown lines on his face. He looked peaceful and gentle today.
“I have a few meetings this morning,” he said, settling into his chair. I felt his eyes on me, watching my every move.
“Important ones?” I wondered, my voice high with interest.
He shrugged one shoulder. “Students.”
“Nothing too stressful then.”
“Shouldn’t be, except for Lucy.” His mouth tightened at the name.
I gave him my undivided attention now, recognizing the displeasure in his voice. “The girl that keeps sending you emails?”
He looked pleased that I remembered. “They began innocently.”
“And now?”
He shook his head. “Now I will be recording every encounter I have with her.”
I paused, shaking my head slightly at the strange feeling that washed over me just then.
“What is it?” he asked, noticing.
“Just feel like we’ve had this conversation before.”
He chuckled. “Well, this isn’t the first time I've had trouble with students, is it?”
It wasn’t that, though. Just as quickly, the feeling evaporated. I looked at him now, offering him a concerned look. “You do have this problem every year, don’t you?”
“I’m not crossing any lines,” he said quickly, looking deeply at me now. “Never, sweetheart.”
My legs felt like lead when I thought of going to him. Instead, I looked at him thoughtfully. “I know that, Oliver.”
You would never do that. I blinked, knowing I ought to add that last line in.
To let him know that I felt he would never betray me like that, but the words sat in my mouth.
I swallowed them down. I didn’t want to pretend that wasn’t something Oliver would do.
Because it was something he could easily do.
I served the bacon before it burned, busying myself in the kitchen so I wouldn’t have to go to him or sit in his lap and pretend he was the love of my life.
He wasn’t.
I smiled at my thoughts because they were mine and he would never know. I could live like this, I reasoned. He had his secrets, and I had mine.
I served his food, my spine tingling when he took my hand and pulled me to him. That strange emotion returned, and I frowned.
“You keep looking like that,” he murmured, studying me.
I placed a hand on my forehead. “I feel a little off.”
Instead of concern, he smiled broadly. “You could be pregnant.”
Now I really did want to vomit. I smiled shakily in return. “You should pick up a test.”
“I’d march you down to the clinic for a blood test,” he said.
“I’ll let you know if it comes to that.”
He hummed in thought, looking excited at the thought while I inched away from him, knowing there was no chance of that. I kept my back to him so he didn’t see my nostrils flare at the hideous thought of carrying his child.
After he disappeared into his office for his meetings, I cleaned up the kitchen and gathered the laundry. I was in a bit of a sour mood. The thought of being pregnant with Oliver’s baby would have once made me cry with happiness. Now it felt like a prison sentence.
The man was pure venom.
I went about our home, stopping once to look at the pictures on the wall.
I studied the wedding photo, ballooned up and hung in the entrance room of the home.
When you walked into the house, the photo greeted you directly.
A good first impression, Oliver had said.
Not the correct impression, I would have replied had I been keen on being chained up.
I studied my face. I was so happy. My heart tugged at Rowe’s smiling face, his eyes on me. Oliver was looking at me, too. Two of the most important males in my life were looking at me like I was their everything.
I traced Oliver’s face, though my eyes clung to Rowe’s form.
I’m sorry, little guy.
I carried my son’s blood on my hands, and I never shirked from that truthI should have endured that demon’s punishment rather than send him to school that day. I couldn’t imagine such a strong version of myself, and that made it so much harder.
With a lump in my throat, I moved along, disappearing into the laundry room.
As I crouched to throw the laundry in, I found the small pills beneath the bed linen.
I hummed as I discreetly popped one open.
I turned my back so it was facing the entrance of the room and then slipped a pill into my mouth.
I swallowed it down without water, feeling it slide down my throat one inch at a time.
Then I shoved the foil pack back under the linen that had needed washing for the past several months.
I turned on the washer and went about my morning, very much aware of the cameras capturing my every move.
I could feel him watching me.
Every inch of me prickled with awareness.
When the doorbell rang mid-morning, I had a list ready to give to Louise.
“How are you, Daisy?” she asked, smiling brightly at me as she took the list from my hand.
“A little tired today,” I said. “How are you, Louise?”
She waved the list. “Glad I have work today. Why are you so tired?”
“Nightmares,” I admitted.
She looked concerned. “What sort of nightmares?”
I shook my head. “I don’t even remember them.”
“I know what you mean,” she said. “You can feel them after you’re awake. My nana used to tell me to sit really still and let the emotions run through you. Don’t think. Just sit still and wait for it to come back to you.”
I smiled softly. “I probably wouldn't want to do that if it was a nightmare, right?”
She hummed in thought. “Dreams tell you a lot about yourself. They could be repressed memories, or feelings you don’t want to confront, or things you’re terrified of happening. My nana used to say dreams sometimes show us the roads we didn’t take. Another life we might have lived.”
I let out a forced laugh. “I hope I’m doing great in that other life.”
She looked down at my body and grinned. “It would be hard to beat this reality. Dressed to the nines in a beautiful dress. Living in this big beautiful house. Married to a handsome professor. I’m sorry, but you’re right, it must have been a nightmare if it was the opposite of this life.”
“Yeah.” My smile was tight. Okay, this conversation needed to end. “So, when can I expect you?”
She looked down at the list, and as before, she didn’t blink twice about the ambiguous request for “distilled water.”
“I’ll be back in the afternoon,” she said. “I’ll ring the doorbell to let you know the groceries are out here. Should be before three.”
“Great, thank you, Louise.”
She left, looking relieved. I realized I hadn’t asked her how she was going.
Work might be drying up, and she might depend on orders like mine to make a living.
I would get Oliver to tip her big. Nothing made him feel better than being recognized as a charitable man, especially if it helped a mother juggling side jobs.
After my morning duties were completed, I went to the nook area on the upper level and sat down in my white leather armchair.
Instead of pulling out my latest read, I clasped my hands together and tried to relax my body.
That odd feeling had continued to randomly hit me all morning.
I knew it had something to do with my nightmares.
The only sound was the wall clock ticking. I shut my eyes and cleared my thoughts. I was good at that. Thinking wasn’t good all the time. Your thoughts could be your greatest enemy. Yes, I let that one last thought in before my mind went quiet.