Fifteen #2
Andrew sighed. “I don’t hate you, Clarke.”
“Yeah, right.” I scoffed. “You’ve been an ass to me ever since we met.”
“That’s not true.”
“Don’t fucking lie to me,” I spat, biting back tears. “Maybe you tolerate me, but you don’t actually like me. And it’s not just you. It’s like no one wants to be my friend anymore. Am I really that bad?”
“No, you’re not bad , Clarke, but that’s your problem. You’re too perfect. It’s annoying.” He huffed, burying his face in his hands. “You kinda make it easy for people to envy you.”
I stared at him, confusion written across my face. “ Envy ?”
“Yeah , envy. It means—”
“I know what it means, Andrew. I’m just the last person anyone should be jealous of.”
He coughed out a dry laugh. “You’re cheer captain. You’re white. You’re an objectively attractive female. You have a shit ton of minions at your beck and call. You—”
“Yeah, look, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I don’t exactly have many friends anymore.”
“Then, why don’t you just ditch Elliot and go back to your cheerleaders?”
“What?” My voice went up an octave. “You think Elliot’s the reason why I don’t have friends?”
“That’s when this whole thing started, right? If you’re gonna dump Elliot, then spare us the drama and just get it over with.”
I turned to glare at Dani, who had been way too quiet during this conversation.
“And you think the same thing?”
She shrugged, resting her chin in her hands. “Everyone knows the cheerleaders and jocks don’t condone dating outside of their incestual little family. No surprise they pushed you out for dating Elliot.”
“They didn’t push me out.” I pursed my lips. “I left.”
Andrew glared at me. “Yeah, right. Why would the Queen Bee abandon her lackeys?”
“Because they’re selfish assholes.”
“So, you don’t like your friends?”
“They’re not my friends. Not anymore, at least.”
Dani spoke, again causing our heads to pivot in her direction. “Then why’d you hang out with them in the first place?”
“I guess I just wanted to fit in.”
“Oh, please.” Andrew rolled his eyes. “Fitting in is overrated.”
I balled my hands into fists. My words came out with heated passion. “ No. Fitting in is everything.”
“Why do you care?” Dani slouched, seemingly unimpressed with my response. “Doesn’t it come naturally to you?”
“It’s the opposite of natural.”
Andrew crossed his arms. “You’re literally the cookie-cutter mold of a popular high school teen. What the hell do you mean it’s ‘ the opposite of natural ?’”
Pretending I didn’t have a thirst for knowledge wasn’t natural.
Hiding my love of literature wasn’t natural.
Acting like I was a happy-go-lucky blonde with no notable personality distinctions wasn’t natural.
Wearing itchy, skin-tight clothing that constricted my lungs wasn’t natural.
Learning to exist without Jessie wasn’t natural. Trying to bury my past wasn’t natural.
“You don’t know me.”
“Then enlighten us,” Andrew said, flicking his eyes upward in a barely perceptible roll. “Because from where I’m sitting it seems like you have the perfect life, with the perfect friends, and the perfect family, with a perfect house, and—”
“I’m not fucking perfect, okay?” I fumed with an exasperated sigh while flinging my hands up.
“I used to be bullied for how disgustingly imperfect I am, so there you have it,” I groaned, my stomach beginning to churn.
“I’m not some two-dimensional character from a Disney movie that was born into a flawless life with a flawless personality.
I have my own shit just like everyone else. I’m just better at hiding it.”
“You…you used to be bullied?” Andrew stared at me, dumbfounded. “Why? You’re—”
“ Perfect? No. Far from it, actually.”
“Why would anyone bully you?”
“Turns out having nerdy hobbies isn’t cool.”
“You, a nerd?”
“No fucking way,” Dani mumbled.
“No one knows, and I’d rather keep it that way.”
“Wait.” Andrew shook his head. “Does Elliot know?”
I raised my shoulders. “Kinda. We talked about it once. I just don’t want him to see me like that.”
“Like what? A fighter? A badass bitch? A warrior?”
“I’m not—”
“Clarke,” Dani cut me off, easing her hand onto my back once again. This time, I didn’t push it away. “That boy idolizes you, and telling him you are a human who has experienced human things isn’t gonna change that.”
“He doesn’t idolize me.”
Andrew let out a boisterous laugh, breaking out into a fit of giggles. “Are you blind? Yes, the fuck he does, and it’s pretty fucking gross.”
Dani nodded pointedly, rocking her head back and forth. “It’s written all over his face every time he looks at you.”
“Really?”
She laughed as though the answer was obvious. “For fuck sake, yes.”
“So, if you’re gonna dump him, do it now, before he falls in love with you,” Andrew demanded firmly, his eyes drilling into mine. “Because if you do it later, it’ll destroy him. So, if you really want your reputation back—”
“I like Elliot more than I ever liked any of them.”
Dani pressed her lips together before speaking.
“Then, I guess the question is, do you like him enough to show him who you are underneath all the cheerleading and Prom Queen shit? He deserves to know the real you. He’s already obsessed with you, anyway.
He’d probably help you hide a dead body if you asked. ”
I had given Elliot a million and one reasons to hate me, to ditch me, to take back our deal and never speak to me, but through every single goddamn thing he learned about me, he stayed, even after knowing things that no one else knew.
I glided my teeth against the inner part of my cheek as my heart sped up.
Just the thought of him elicited a physical response. He consumed my thoughts. He was in my dreams. He was the face I’d picture while reading romance novels. Even when I wasn’t around him, I craved his presence.
I wrung out my hands.
Was I falling for Elliot Keller? Was he falling for me?
“You really think he likes me that much?”
“Are you really a nerd?” Andrew shot me a sharp glare. “Because— damn , you’re stupid.”
I matched his expression as I placed my elbows on the table, using them to pull me forward. “My IQ could make yours look like a calculator stuck on 2 + 2 = 5.”
The sides of his lips flicked up as his face morphed into smug satisfaction. He bobbed his head while letting out a barely audible laugh.
“There she is,” he jested, propelling his arm forward and splaying his fingers as he offered me a high five. “She’s back.”
I slapped his hand with mine and offered a quick smile in return as the tension between the three of us began to dissipate. I closed my eyes just for a second, allowing the pressure in my chest to fade as I took a deep breath, holding the air inside my lungs and then exhaling softly.
“And, hey—” Dani shook my shoulder, causing me to wobble slightly as I braced myself against the table at the unexpected gesture. “Keep that same energy for those bullies because fuck them. They’re the ones who should be ashamed, not you.”
“So, you guys don’t hate me?”
“Nah, you’re chill,” Dani said, nudging me with her elbow as she walked back to the other side of the table, picking up her apple and shoving it into her mouth.
“As long as you don’t screw over Elliot, I don’t have a reason to,” he remarked, glancing over with a smirk. “Plus, it’s nice to know, ‘ Miss Prom Queen’ isn’t a shallow, self-obsessed cheerleader, with a monkey brain.”
“ Haha , you’re so funny,” I said flatly.
“I know. Oh, and if you want to make new friends who aren’t operating on a single brain cell, just try being yourself. Stop trynna be so goddam perfect and just have some fucking fun. That’s the biggest ‘fuck you,’ you can give to those popular assholes, anyway.”
Be myself .
It almost felt like I had forgotten who that was.
I guess it was time to find her again. But how?
How could I make people like me without losing myself in the process?
My brain scrambled to search for a solution.
I needed to make a statement. Something that screamed, this is me—someone who isn’t afraid of your judgement, but is also a ray of sunshine and beauty.
Maybe the answer had been in front of me all along, hidden beneath the doubt and hesitation.
And then it hit me. A devilish grin twisted my lips as a spark of mischief flickered in my eyes. A shiver ran down my spine at the plan that was taking form in my mind. It was time for my two worlds to collide.
“You’re right,” I admitted, a sly smile playing on my lips. “And I think I know exactly how to do that. How do you still feel about joining the cheer team?”