Chapter 18
EIGHTEEN
I wake against a hard chest and, for a moment, panic.
But that panic eases when a familiar pine smell fills my senses and when a rough hand scrapes along my back, gliding up and down.
“You up?” a familiar voice rumbles, and I lift my head, looking at him through squinted eyes.
Everything aches in the most delicious way, and memories from the night before flood my mind.
Jesse finding me in the woods when I went out looking for the deer.
Having a full-on breakdown in Jesse’s arms.
The hot tub.
Never Have I Ever.
Everything after that.
With the memory, a chill runs through me.
Nope, I tell myself. No way, Hallie. That was yesterday. It stays in yesterday. We are not mentally recounting that right now, not when we’re still in bed with the man.
In fact, right now, my only goal should be to ensure that this impulsive decision doesn’t impact the rest of my life or the relationships with the people I care about, including Jesse.
And with the way he’s looking at me, a wall pulled down over his face so I can’t read him in the slightest, my stomach churns.
“Yeah,” I say, even though that’s obvious. His lips tip at the edges, and it sends the smallest wave of relief through me.
“Are you…good?” he asks, and I let out a small laugh.
“Yeah.” I lift a hand to wave between us as I shift away, putting a much-needed gap between us. “Are…we good?”
“I don’t know, you tell me,” he says, and my stomach churns as panic floods me. “Are we going to avoid each other for a year again?” The panic subsides, leaving relief in its wake.
“If we can joke about it, that’s a good thing, right?” I sit up, pulling the sheets up to cover my chest and giving him my signature snarky look. “Do you promise you won’t get weird?”
He’s let out a loud laugh, shaking his head, and it hits me: we can do this. One night, one unforgettable night, and we’re back to normal.
“Promise. Want breakfast?” he asks, rolling out of bed and moving to a dresser in the corner.
I try not to watch his ass, but I can’t stop myself.
That’s allowed, though, right? I would have absolutely watched his ass as he walked away before we fucked, especially if it was a naked ass.
In fact, it would be weird not to do it afterward.
He opens a drawer and grabs out a pair of sweats before bending to put them on.
“Hal?” he asks over his shoulder, smiling at me. I shake my head, trying to focus.
“Sorry, you’ve got a good ass.” No point in playing coy, I suppose. He laughs again, and I don't know the last time I heard him this light.
“You too. Now, do you want breakfast? Or are you going to sneak out and make it weird by trying not to make it weird?” He knows me too well, and with that realization, the vise in my chest has loosened entirely.
That’s why this isn’t going to be an issue: we both know each other so well that it can’t go bad.
Right?
Right.
“You got bacon?” He rolls his eyes, then throws a sweatshirt at me. It’s going to be far too big, but I also know it’s going to be worn and warm. I hope he doesn’t like it too much, though, because I am never returning it. A souvenir, so to speak.
I throw the sweatshirt on and stand, noting that it’s so big it covers my ass, and then spot the bag with my leggings in it on the floor.
Grabbing them, I slip into his bathroom.
After I use the toilet, I slip my leggings on, and when I spot his toothbrush, I grab it, coat it with minty toothpaste, and brush away.
Now he can’t use that for Never Have I Ever, I suppose.
“You’re a shit cook from what Emma tells me,” I say as I walk into the kitchen, a bowl with batter before him and bacon already sizzling in a pan. He smiles at me over his shoulder.
“I am, but bacon and pancakes? That’s the only thing I’ve mastered.”
“Good to know,” I say, even though I’ll never have a use for that info again. I help set the table and clean up a bit as he goes, throwing out eggshells and starting coffee for us, and in ten minutes, we’re sitting at his kitchen table, a stack of admittedly delicious pancakes before each of us.
“What do you have on the agenda for today?” I ask after I’ve eaten two full plates, far too full for another.
Still, I dip a piece of bacon in the puddle of maple syrup on my plate and pop it into my mouth.
He shrugs across the way from me, leaning back with his arms behind his head.
Again, I tell myself it’s totally okay to admire his arms like this. It’s what I would have done anyway.
“Nothing, really. Gotta get Emma around noon, then family dinner. The norm. You?”
I nod. “Same. I’ve gotta batch some content for the week’s social media channels. The pictures of the deer should go over well.” He glares at me, and I smile. “I’m thinking of seeking her out once a week and trying to make them the mascot of the farm.”
“You’re not going anywhere with those boots.” I roll my eyes, then stand and move toward the sink to rinse my plate and put it into the dishwasher. He stands as well, his own plate in hand, but he sets it aside before grabbing mine.
“Who’s going to stop me?”
“I think I proved I will,” he says, and suddenly, the friendly air that I’ve been forcing to hang between us feels decidedly less so.
“You know—” he starts, and I hold my breath, unsure of what he’s going to say next and equally uncertain of what I want him to say next, but then my phone dings once, twice, three times, with incoming texts.
I glare at the device on the table like the traitor it is, then reach for it and let out a groan.
“What is it?” he asks.
“Your sister,” I mumble, seeing that while it sounded like three new messages, it’s closer to six, since the first three hit my DND.
He lifts an eyebrow before I continue. “She is trying to convince me to text that guy she wants to set me up with.” I regret saying it for a moment as the words hang between us before he speaks.
His face shows no change, though, no hint of irritation or dismay or hurt.
“Are you going to?” he asks, and I sigh.
“I don’t know. I mean, does anyone really say no to Wren?” He laughs and shakes his head, knowing that even though Wren is sweet as pie and will do anything for anyone, when she gets an idea in her mind, she’s unlikely to drop it, especially if she thinks it will benefit someone she loves.
“What do you think?” I ask, eyes still assessing him carefully.
“Me?”
“Yeah. Do you think I should text him?”
It’s a stupid question, especially today, especially this morning. Still, I think a part of me does it intentionally, pushing the boundary to see just how he reacts and how honest he is about it being just one night.
“Do you want to go on a date with him?”
“I don’t know him, so I’m not sure.” A moment passes before he shrugs, grabs his plate, and stands.
“I mean, if you don’t care either way and it would get Wren off your ass, it probably couldn’t hurt,” he says, back to me as he scrapes the remnants of a pancake into the trash.
I force myself not to feel that flash of disappointment and fail miserably.
It’s what I wanted. It’s what I asked for, actually.
I should be happy he’s acting normal now that this is out of our system. And I am happy. Right?
I’m lost in my own pondering as his own phone dings with a new message.
“Shit,” he says with a sigh. My head lifts. “I thought Emma was getting picked up at twelve, but it’s eleven.” My eyes move to the clock over the oven to see it’s ten.
“Oh, I’ll help you clean up a bit and then head out.” He shakes his head to argue, but I refuse. “I’ll get this, but can you just, uh, get my swimsuit?” A blush burns over my face as I remember that it’s probably still floating in the hot tub. He lets out a laugh.
“It’s in the dryer. Sometime last night, I grabbed it.” I try to pinpoint when he could have done that, but that requires me to think about rounds and breaks, and my mind cannot go there right now. I nod. “Leave this. I’ll grab it. Just get your things together, and I’ll walk you home,” he says.
“You don’t have to,” I say with a shake of my head, but he just glares at me. Knowing better, I don’t bother to argue, instead getting my things together and letting Jesse walk me to my house.
“Thank you,” I say when he stops at my door, the words spilling out even though I tried to keep them in. His head tips as he turns to me, his face a mask of intrigued confusion.
“For what?”
“For…yesterday.”
He lifts a brow. “I don’t know, Hal, I feel like I should be thanking you.”
I laugh, happy for the moment of levity, and shake my head.
“I meant before all of that. I was having a shitty day, and you made a shitty day much better.” His face softens, and he steps closer, pushing a piece of hair behind my ear.
He hesitates for a moment, then seems to win the battle in his head as he pulls me in for a hug.
“Anytime, Hallie. I mean it.”
I take in a deep breath as my face settles into his chest, his familiar leather and pine smell enveloping me and relaxing me for a moment before his body goes still.
“Hallie,” he whispers.
“Mmm?” I ask into his chest. He shifts slowly, pulling back, and when I look up at him, his eyes are focused somewhere behind me and wide.
“Turn around.”
“Huh?”
“Hallie, turn around. Slowly.”
I do as he commands, his hands staying on my waist, and when my back is to him, I notice the deer from yesterday ten feet away.
“Oh my god,” I whisper, then gasp when she meets my eye and comes even closer. Jesse’s fingers dig into my hips, and I whisper over my shoulder at him. “Go inside and get celery.”
“What?”
“Go in my fridge and get celery, Jesse. For the deer.”
“I’m not leaving you alone with a wild deer, Hallie,” he says, and with his words, the deer snorts as if annoyed by his belief she’d be anything but kind to me.
“He’s just protective,” I tell her, then turn to Jesse. “It’s Jane Doe. She’s very trustworthy.” He pauses, looking at me like I’ve completely lost it, but I give him a fierce glare and then speak through gritted teeth. “Go. Get. The. Celery.”
“When did you name her?”
“This morning.” He looks at me for a long moment, then closes his eyes and shakes his head.
“Go get the celery!” I say again. With a resigned sigh, he turns to my house and disappears, and I take another tentative step toward the deer.
Soon she’s just two feet from me, and I’m moving to bend to her level.
Yesterday, I saw Jane Doe in the woods, which is why I was out there taking pictures, not that I told Jesse that.
Bumping into her again felt magical, but now I wonder if she found me on purpose.
Yesterday, I felt so miserable after seeing those pictures of my mom and stepsister; I thought I’d imagined the deer.
But when we found her again, it felt like it was meant to be, some sign from the world that it would be okay, that navigating this world without a mom wouldn’t be the end of me.
Just like her.
Her head lifts as Jesse’s boots crunch behind me, and then there are green celery stalks in his hands before me. I take them and then reach out, offering the leafy side to Jane. She steps closer, sniffs once, then gently takes it from my hand, crunching through the vegetable happily.
“Oh my god,” I whisper in awe.
“I haven’t believed this,” Jesse murmurs. “Only you would bond with an orphaned deer as soon as you move in here.” All the same, he has his phone out, taking pictures as if he knew I’d want him to.
“We’re the same,” I murmur, emotion in the words, then offer the second celery stalk to her.
“I wish I had more in my fridge, but when I go to the store, I’ll get you more, okay?
” I ask, then reach out and pet her nose.
She blinks at me, then stands for a few more moments as I talk to her in hushed tones before turning and walking away.
When she’s completely gone, I stand with a sigh.
“That was amazing,” I say, turning to Jesse excitedly. “Did you see it?”
He’s smiling and shaking his head.
“Yeah, I saw it, Hallie. But your lips are going blue again. You’ve got to get inside.
” His eyes dip down to my lips, and again, memories flash through my mind.
The way blue lips and that very deer led me to his hot tub.
His eyes were hooded, and he was doing that same move before dipping to kiss me.
The way I felt in his arms, free and light and like I had not a single want or desire in the world, so long as I was there.
My phone beeps in my pocket, a reminder that brings me back to reality.
A reality where Jesse and I can and will never be anything more than one night.
“You’ve gotta get Emma,” I say. Now it’s his turn to nod.
We stand there awkwardly for a moment before I step closer and give him another hug.
“Thanks again, Jesse. I’ll see you at dinner tonight?
” He nods, and then, before I can make a fool of myself, I turn around and head into my house, closing the door behind me.
I lean against it, closing my eyes and taking a deep breath, sliding my phone out of my pocket to read Wren’s most recent inquiry to see if I’ve texted the kindergarten teacher or not.
Fuck it.
What better way to prove to myself I’m not going to be hung up on Jesse than to say yes to this?
Quickly, I tap out a text, introducing myself and asking if he wants to get coffee sometime next week, and get a reply almost instantly.
I clue Wren in, and she sends me back a text with far too many exclamation points and emojis, and I smile, though I can’t quite find it in me to be nearly as excited as her.