Chapter 31 I Loved Him
I Loved Him
Jenny
Over the next several hours, I tended to Ansel’s sourdough bread as half of Moose Lake filtered through my apartment.
I didn’t know who invited them, how they knew to come, or how they knew when to stop coming, but by four, it was over.
The only ones left were Maggie and Baxter, Maxine and Miller, John and Vera, Eric and Julie.
And they didn’t appear to be leaving anytime soon.
I’d strived to keep my safe space free from others, never inviting anyone over, avoiding anyone coming inside.
But they were here.
And it was as safe as ever.
Maybe safer.
“Thank you,” I choked out.
“Of course,” came at me from all sides while Baxter, Maggie, Miller, and Maxine looked at me with understanding.
They knew where I’d come from.
They knew how far I’d traveled.
They knew me.
And they were still here.
Despite the glaringly obvious fact that Deacon was missing, I had a family here in Moose Lake.
It was time I started acting like it.
A knock sounded on the door one second before it opened.
I lifted my head in time to see Deacon barrel through the kitchen, his face thunderous. His gaze swept over the faces before him until it landed on mine.
I tried to smile but the corners of my mouth plunged down alarmingly fast.
Dipping his head like a bull, he stalked forward and swept me up in his arms.
I wrapped my arms around his neck and buried my face in his throat.
His big hand came up to cup the back of my head. “Jenny,” he whispered. “Baby.”
My body convulsed with the sobs I wouldn’t allow free.
Hefting me up, he urged my legs around his waist and walked back to the front door. “Let it out,” he growled.
I opened my mouth to tell him I was okay but couldn’t get the word past my throat. I couldn’t get anything past my throat.
I tried to suck in a breath, but my lungs were already full.
I exhaled, and like a dam broken, my grief rushed out with a strangled cry, the sound so guttural and raw it scared me.
My body went rigid. I sucked in a shuddering breath, my eyes wild as I looked around, relieved to see he’d taken me away from everyone else. A harsh sob breached my lips. I gulped; swallowing the pain, stemming the noise.
“Don’t, baby,” he urged, rubbing a slow circle over my back. “It’s okay to cry.”
“Deacon,” I gasped, then whined as a long, slow-building wail climbed up from so deep inside me I didn’t know where it began, and I was afraid it would never end.
“Fuck, I’m here, it’s going to be okay,” he whispered fervently. “You’re going to be okay, I fucking promise, baby.”
My head fell back as I dragged in a shuddering breath. I curled into him, my hands clutching his shoulders as he rocked me back and forth until I stilled.
Exhausted.
My legs dropped from his hips and dangled above the floor.
“I’m so sorry I wasn’t here,” he whispered fervently.
Drawing back to meet my bleary eyes, he explained, “I was at my parents’ place, then I went to the bank, and then I had an appointment in Mistlevale. That’s where I was when I found out, and I came as soon as I heard.”
“How did you hear?” I asked shakily, relieved clear down to the soles of my feet to have him close.
“Not from you.” His eyes darkened. “That’s an issue we’ll address when this is all over.”
“I wanted to give you time,” I explained with a sniff.
“Later,” he answered gruffly.
He set me down but kept me close as he walked us back to my friends, my family.
The girls all stared back at me with watery eyes, all four of them clinging to their husbands for comfort.
When Deacon’s gaze landed on Baxter, his eyes sobered. “Thank you for tracking me down.”
Maggie turned and tucked her face into Baxter’s neck, her back heaving.
Baxter circled his arms around her and dipped his chin to Deacon in acknowledgement. “I figured you’d pick up my call out of curiosity if nothing else.”
Deacon nodded. “I saw your name and knew there was something wrong. Thank you.”
Baxter shook his head. “No thanks necessary. We’re a family. We look out for one another.”
“Aw, fuck,” John griped. “Are we gonna hug again?”
“Asswipe,” Miller stated, shaking his head. “There’s nothing wrong with a good hug.” With a smirk, he looked at Deacon and tilted his head to the side. “You need a hug, Deac?”
“You need a trip to the hospital, Miller?” Deacon answered drily.
I began to laugh.
“Okay, okay, big man, settle down,” Eric cajoled before turning to Miller. “He just needs a little more time.”
It started small and grew until it rumbled up from my tummy.
“There’s never gonna be enough time,” John grumbled.
My girls began to laugh with me.
My girls.
“Assholes,” Deacon growled, turning his back on their banter to look down at me with concern.
“I really think he’s warming up to us,” Miller declared.
I shook my head, my smile wide.
Fighting a smile, Deacon cupped my head in his hands and tipped my face up to his. “Are you okay?”
Tears welled in my eyes, and I admitted, “I’m sad.”
His dark eyes regarded me with sorrow. “Jenny—"
“Don’t,” I pressed my hand to his chest. “I don’t want you here out of pity.”
“It’s not pity,” he stated, his voice rough. “I can’t even say it’s for you. Baxter told me what happened, and my fucking heart started beating out of my chest. I thought I was going to have a heart attack trying to get to you.”
“I’m so glad you’re here,” I murmured.
I wish you were here.
Seemed wishes did come true.
“I’ll always be here,” he promised.
The timer on the stove dinged.
Disengaging from Deacon’s arms, I ran to the kitchen and opened the oven door to remove the last of the loaves.
The smell hit me, bringing with it a barrage of comfort.
Hot from the oven, I set them on a cooling rack on the kitchen table. I grabbed a stack of small plates and a pot of strawberry jam with a spoon.
The ultimate comfort food.
Maggie made it to the table first, ripping a small piece off the side of the loaf, passing it back and forth from one hand to the other so it wouldn’t burn her fingers.
I passed her a plate and pushed the pot of strawberry jam across the table.
Maxine settled in beside her, ripping off a piece for herself.
The familiarity of our routine brought me comfort.
Before long, we all stood around the table, slathering chunks of sourdough bread with strawberry jam.
This is what Ansel made for me.
“I loved him,” I choked out.
Deacon spun me around and tucked me into his chest.
The girls moved in next, surrounding me with their soft hands and their soft voices, pressing close.
Miller came next, closely followed by Eric and Baxter.
“Here we fucking go again,” John griped, but he wrapped his big arms around all of us as far as he could reach.
Deacon’s big chest expanded and fell, and he growled, “Only for you, Jenny. Only for you.”