Chapter 9 #2
I took that for the warning it was. “Okay, well, how about this? You know how hard it’s been to work through what happened to you as a kid.
Your dad’s cruelty had a lasting impact on your life.
It changed you in ways you’re still trying to understand, and it would’ve changed your mother as well.
The perpetual fear. The physical abuse. The control.
A person can lose sight of who they are.
Your father controlled your mother for years, and even though you lived in the same house, and experienced the same man’s violence, it doesn’t mean the effect was the same on both of you.
Your mother experienced his behaviour differently from you.
Different ages, different roles, different relationships with your father.
Not necessarily better or worse, just different. ”
Nick went quiet for a long moment before answering.
“My dad was an arsehole to me. Always putting me down. Always criticising and shouting. But he never abused me physically. I’m not saying that’s any better in the long run, because it fucking wasn’t, not to a little kid trying to find out who he is in the world.
I’m just saying that she suffered the whole lot.
Physical, emotional, spiritual—the grisly trifecta of family violence in a shitty life. ”
I thought of the gentle woman I’d just met and my heart ached. “I can’t even imagine.”
He nodded. “And she had to protect me, as well.” He took my hand in his and leaned back on the bench, his legs stretched in front.
“She’d take the fall for everything I did.
She’d send me to my room when she heard him coming up the drive and tell him that she was responsible for whatever he decided to take a dislike to that night.
Because there was always something. She did her best to keep me out of his way and keep him focused on her.
So yes, I think we did have different realities, and maybe that’s something I haven’t wanted to acknowledge because as a young kid you don’t see it that way. ”
I brought his knuckles to my lips and pressed a kiss there.
“No kid, no person should ever have to deal with something like that. I have no idea how I’d react if I’d been your mother.
The very real fear that he’d kill her and or hurt you if she tried to get you back. Who knows what we’d do in her place?”
“God, it’s such a mess.” Nick’s head dropped back and he stared up at the gloomy fog above.
“What am I going to do? You watched me back there. Half the time, I sound like a furious kid. The other half, I’m desperate for any attention she sends my way.
I want to yell at her for leaving me, but thank her for protecting me all those years, even after she left, right into adulthood, trying to keep my father out of my life.
I want to talk with her about him. Share war stories.
And I want to never, ever mention his name again. ”
I turned sideways on the bench to face him and he did the same.
“I don’t have an answer for you.” I cupped his face and traced the line of his cheekbone with my thumb.
“That has to come from you. But I did notice something in the kitchen that may or may not help. When I left to make us a hot drink, there was a line of medication bottles on the windowsill above the sink.”
Nick’s eyes narrowed. “Did you take a look?”
I huffed. “What do you think? Of course I bloody did.”
He ran his knuckles down my cheek. “Have I told you how much I love you lately?”
“Yes.” I turned and kissed his hand. “But there’s always room for more.
Anyway, other than the calcium supplement, I took photos of the rest and looked them up while you were communing with the river here.
According to Google, and allowing for the fact my medical knowledge is pretty slim, a couple were arthritis related, one was a statin for cholesterol, another for blood pressure, and a couple that seemed specific for—” I paused briefly. “—Parkinson’s disease.”
“Parkinson’s.” Nick’s gaze slid sideways to the river, making his expression hard to read.
A moment later, he sighed. “Well, that explains a few things. Did you notice the way her hands trembled, but it wasn’t quite a tremble, it was different.
I put it down to anxiety. She tried to hide it by clasping them in her lap. ”
“Yes. She almost dropped the cup of tea,” I remembered. “And I think it’s called pill-rolling movement or something like that? Shirley’s friend at Golden Oaks does the same thing. And did you notice how her expression became almost blank at times? It was quite disconcerting.”
A light went on in Nick’s eyes and he nodded. “Shit. Of course. It even pissed me off because I thought it indicated she was faking how she felt. Now I feel like a bloody heel.”
I grimaced. “Understandable mistake though. You could always call Jerry to find a bit more out about the disease. She deals with it every day at Golden Oaks.”
Nick gave an absent nod. “Good idea.” His gaze drifted off into the distance, his brow furrowing.
“You don’t think the only reason she got in touch was because of that, do you?
Maybe she needs money for long-term care.
” He turned back, his expression hollow, like he was just hanging on.
“I’m not sure how I’d handle that. Just the idea turns my stomach. ”
I cupped his cheek and he leaned into the touch. “She doesn’t strike me as the sort to play on your sympathy like that. She never mentioned it once while we were there, did she?”
He frowned. “No, but—”
“And she was pissed off with her stepson for even suggesting she wasn’t always reliable,” I added. “She seems to be very independent.”
Nick’s expression brightened a little. “That’s true. And it explains why the man wasn’t happy with us for landing on her doorstep without warning, or so he thought. He’s probably having to do a lot more than he used to. It can’t be easy.”
I shrugged. “She didn’t look terribly helpless to me. A bit unsteady on her feet and forgetful maybe, but if she has Parkinson’s, I’d guess it’s still in the early stages based on what I’ve seen at Golden Oaks, but I’m no expert.”
Nick pursed his lips. “I’m just going to come right out and ask her next time we talk.
She clearly wasn’t hiding the pills, so we can use that as a springboard.
If we aren’t honest with each other, this reconnecting thing hasn’t got a hope.
Right now, Chloe knows a lot more about me than I do about her. ”
I winced, imagining how that conversation was going to go. “It’s one way to find out, I guess.”
“Fuck.” Nick rolled his eyes. “Seems like I’ve already decided we’ll be talking again, doesn’t it? So much for objectivity and taking things slowly.”
I huffed in amusement. “Seems so.”
“Jesus, Mads,” he groaned. “I don’t have a clue how to handle all this.”
I took his hand and held it against my heart.
“So, it’s a mess. That’s pretty much what we expected, right?
And with that in mind, maybe you don’t need to resolve it at all.
Maybe it can’t ever be resolved to your satisfaction.
Maybe it’s simply enough to say it is what it is, and the only thing you can do is to find a way to live with what happened.
See it as something that made sense to Chloe at the time, rightly or wrongly.
Decide if you want to try and salvage what’s left between you.
You don’t need to for my sake, you know that, right? ”
Nick leaned in and pressed his forehead against mine. “Don’t I?”
Our eyes met through a veil of lashes. “No. You don’t.
You’re perfect for me exactly as you are.
I don’t need anything more. You’ve done what I personally hoped for.
What I thought was getting in the way of you and me.
You faced the fear and your mother head-on.
You’ve said your piece and I’m so fucking proud of you.
” I gently pressed my lips to his and felt him tremble.
“It’s what you want to do for yourself that’s important now, and only you can decide what that is. ”
He turned back to the river and grumbled, “I knew you’d say that, dammit.
I think I was secretly hoping she’d give me some kind of explanation that meant I could forgive her and move on.
A moment where I could say, Yeah, of course you had to leave me and stay away.
You had no choice. I understand that now.
But it was never going to be that simple, was it?
Which means I have to decide what I want to do next and not keep revisiting what I wish had happened. ”
God, I love this man. “I think you might have your answer, baby.”
Another groan, then, “Family violence sure fucks people up.”
“It does.” I scooted close and slid my arm along the back of the bench. “The trick is to not let it win and dictate your life. You just have to decide how exactly that looks for you.”
Nick rested his head against mine, the earthy smell of his cologne mixing with the cool green of the river harnessed within its damp banks.
“I think I already know how that looks,” he said enigmatically before turning to press his lips to mine.
“It looks exactly like you.” He manhandled me onto his lap, this gruff, blunt man whose capacity for self-reflection never failed to amaze me.
Then he kissed me until my frozen toes curled in my socks and my dick began to get unruly.
Before the kiss moved into indecent territory, I broke away and scanned our surroundings. A woman walked her golden retriever on the far side of the river, but her gaze was fixed on the path ahead. I wasn’t sure why I even cared who might see us and was slightly pissed off that I did.
“I love the way your eyes look after I’ve kissed you.” Nick turned my face back to his and ran a thumb over my lips. “All muddled and distracted.”
I snorted. “You should see my dick.”
He cocked a brow. “Is that an invitation?”
“No.” I wriggled off his lap and pulled him to his feet. “Come on, before we get ticketed for indecency. Luther gave me a vineyard restaurant rec before we left. I think we’ve earned a treat, don’t you?”
“Luther, huh?” Nick waggled his eyebrows. “Should I be worried?”
I elbowed him in the ribs. “What do you think? You keep me way too busy and off balance without any help, thank you very much. Besides, I happen to love you. Luther had been down this way last year and he just mentioned it, that’s all.”
Nick smirked. “Was this on your coffee date?”
My cheeks flamed. “It wasn’t a damn date, so stop messing with me. He’s a nice guy and a potential friend, that’s a—”
Nick shut me up with a kiss. “I’m only teasing. I’m sorry.”
“Well, stop it.” I pouted. “I could never—I would never—”
“I know.” He linked arms. “If anything happens with us, it will be because I fucked up, nothing else. And that will never include another man, in case you’re wondering. There are a million ways I can fuck up without another party being involved.”
His words bothered me. Not the words themselves but the idea he still doubted himself.
“We have each other’s backs, Nick,” I reminded him.
“And that means through everything, good and bad. We’ll both screw up at times.
Both of us. And I promise I’ll love you through it all, just as I expect you to love me. ”
“I’ll always love you,” he said, putting all his heart into the words, while at the same time studying me with an unexpected sadness in his eyes that rattled my own, like he wasn’t as sure of my promise as I was of his.
I was about to call him on it when he grinned and steered me back onto the path.
“Enough navel-gazing. I’m starving. Let’s try this restaurant of yours. ”
Knowing Nick, it was pointless attempting to revive a subject he’d so thoroughly dismissed, so I didn’t even try. “Fine, but I’m driving this time.”
Nick grumbled something about needing to get there before lunch finished, which I pretended not to hear. Back in the car park, I slid into the driver’s seat and told him to punch the restaurant into the satnav.
He squinted at the screen and sighed. “Fuck me. I can hardly see the letters on the damn keyboard. Why do you have your font setting so small?”
I swallowed a smile. “You want me to do it for you?”
Nick glared daggers my way. “No.” He searched his pockets, then undid his coat and searched the inside one as well. “Shit. I left my glasses at Chloe’s.”
I thought about just how pleased Austin would be to see us again and winced. “Come on, old man. You have to be able to read the menu. May as well get it over with.”
Nick groaned. “Nothing wrong with squinting.”