15. Justin
fifteen
Knowing she’s alone tonight when the whole village is invited to my community dinner is making me feel all kinds of shitty. It’s one of those nights when I should feel good about myself, but I can’t.
I’ve been doing these for as long as I’ve owned Lazy’s. My chef, Shane, prepares a main dish. People can bring food and wine, but if they don’t or can’t, it’s all the same.
The register stays closed. No one pays for anything. All the food goes on the bar, buffet style. People help themselves and sit where they want and catch up with friends they haven’t seen in a while or make new ones. There’s an anonymous donation system that goes straight to the people who really need it.
So usually, on Community Dinner nights, I feel pretty damn good about myself.
But tonight I feel shitty. There’s one person no one dared to invite, because of me. The only person I really would care to see tonight.
And where is my damn dog when I need him? I peek out the back parking lot, but it’s empty. I linger alone in the kitchen, nursing my shittiness, drawing on a bottle of soda.
It’s one of those nights, I guess. I should get back to the pub, or I’m going to start thinking about why I feel like this.
About how I break everything I touch.
I never should have slept with Clover. From the moment I slid behind the bar in Boston and she still kept her eyes and her smile for me, I knew I should have stayed away.
She could have gone with any of the guys I made drinks for that night. It’s not like they weren’t giving her the right signals. But she chose to stick with me.
That made something stir inside me. I should have let her go when she called it quits and asked for her tab. But she”d already moved me. She’d already planted her sweet hooks in me. And I wasn’t brave enough to fight it.
I wanted to taste that connection, for just one night.
For once in my life.
Truth be told? I think someone was looking after me, the other day in my pub, when I lashed out at her. Someone was making sure I broke our connection, forever. No going back. No daydreaming about what ifs. No trying to woo her now.
Good.
Moose’s bark pulls me out of my thoughts. He was outside. I knew it.
I open the back door, car lights blinding me.
Squinting, I make out Moose’s goofy head hanging out of Clover’s car window, like he’s played the best joke on me. Then my eyes slide to the driver’s side. The light is bad, but I can sense more than see her closed-off face, the set line of her mouth.
I set my soda down and walk the few steps that separate me from her car, aiming for the passenger seat. How do I even begin to apologize? To explain what was going on in my fucked-up head?
“Where d’you find him?” is all I manage to say as I release my dog.
“On my porch.” Her eyes barely slide to me before locking onto the emptiness in front of her. She puts the car in reverse, waiting for me to shut the door.
I hold it firmly open in my fist, my other hand against the roof of the car, my head leaning against my arm as I take her in. The outline of her profile. Her lush hair cascading down to her shoulders and her back. The seatbelt pressing between her breasts and across her hips, where my arms and my hands and my face were two weeks ago.
The bitter curve of her smile.
“Clover,” I whisper.
“Don’t. Don’t you dare.” She bats tears away furiously and releases her foot from the brake, the car backing up, taking me with it.
She hits the brake again and turns a deadly gaze to me. “Shut the door,” she snaps.
No, no, I won’t shut the door. She’s hurting, and I did this, and I need to fix this.
“Shut. The. Door.”
I slide in the passenger seat and shut the door.
She recoils against her side window, disgust, actual disgust, painted all over her face. Her hand creeps to the door handle, but her gaze stays locked on mine. She’s giving me a chance. At least that’s what I want to believe.
“I want to apologize about the other day. I didn’t mean to—”
“Please leave.”
“I don’t want to leave, Clover. I want to make this right.”
“Is this always about what you want? You only sleep with women once. You don’t want to exchange names and numbers. You only want your rent. And stop calling me Clover!”
She stops there. I wait for the final blow. What will she have to say about how I told her to leave my pub? The way I spoke to her.
Nothing comes.
“So?” she prompts me, crossing her arms, one knee folded on the seat so she can face me.
“I… it was… I mean… Is this about Boston?” How about what happened at the pub?
“What do you mean,” she hisses.
“I—I wanted to apologize for what I said to you, the other day. You know.”
“Right.”
“So?”
“So what,” she bites.
“I’m apologizing.”
She narrows her eyes on me and scoffs. “You mean, you wait until you run into me, force yourself into my car, and just say the words ‘I’m apologizing,’ and expect everything to be fine? I got news for you. Forgiveness takes a little work.”
“Right,” I mumble. Heck if I know what kind of work she’s talking about. But she’s right. What was I expecting?
I step out of the car and shut her door just as light spills out the pub’s back door, and Shane comes out. “There you are.” His gaze turns to Clover. “Oh good! You came. Haley will be happy. I mean, everyone’ll be happy, but she was just talking about you.” His gaze slides to me.
Clover blinks several times, like she needs to adjust back and forth to what just happened in the car, between us, and what’s going on outside, in the real world.
Music and voices and laughter seep from the open door while Shane stands there, waiting for us. “I’m going home,” she says. Her hand closes on the gear while the passenger window starts rolling up. The hurt in her eyes nearly kills me. I did this to her. I excluded her from this community dinner. This is not who I am. Whatever happened between us shouldn’t affect her experience here in Emerald Creek. This is the most inclusive, wholesome event, one I’m proud to have created.
She belongs here.
“Clov—Chloe. Come in.”
Shane strides to us. She kills the engine as he opens her door and extends his hand. “Chloe, pleased to meet you. I’m Shane.” The smile in his voice drips to his whole body.
His eyes trail down her while she gets out of the car, and I can’t fucking believe it, but for a second there he sets his hand on the small of her back as he nudges her inside my pub.
The rest of the evening, I get to watch Clover fit into my universe perfectly.
All while avoiding me entirely.