28. Justin
twenty-eight
Aweek later, I’m at Clark’s Meadow, wiping the sweat trickling down my forehead as I hammer the last stake into the ground. It’s my least favorite part of the summer fair. We can’t afford to hire people to set up the equipment, so we do it ourselves. And the food tent is the largest one, bulky and heavy. We start with that one, so the rest seem easy in comparison.
I stand and look at it. Mission accomplished. I step in the shade and reach for my bottle of water. Chloe is helping carry the trestles inside, and I do a double take at the way her T-shirt clings to her breasts and lifts, showing her narrow waist.
It’s been ten days since our first cooking session at the cottage. Ten days since I almost kissed her. And thank fuck I was interrupted. Since then, I’ve been managing. Being close to her is part torture, part dream. I want more with her, but I can’t have that.
I know it sounds weird, but I can’t get past the fact that it’d be wrong. And not because she’s Murphy’s niece. Or Sullivan’s daughter.
Fuck these people. No, the real reason is all about me.
A powerful backslap interrupts my daydreaming. “Stop gawking!” I jump in disbelief at the familiar voice, dread and happiness fighting for control over my feelings.
Before I can decide which it will be, I’m taken in a bear hug.
One I reciprocate, not believing it’s finally happening.
My older brother, Ethan, is back.
I never thought I’d see the day.
He left ten years ago without saying goodbye to me.
After what I did, I can’t blame him.
He releases his grip on me and holds me at arm’s length. “You look good, brother. Damn good.” He fist-bumps my pecs, and it’s just like old days. I don’t know if he’s serious or teasing or making fun of me.
Because I may look good, but Ethan is a hunk. He’s chiseled. He’s beefed up. He’s taller than me. He’s always been, but he seems taller than last time I saw him, if that’s possible. He’s scary.
And I’m his little brother again, and I’m not sure how I feel about that.
“Tell me what to do,” he says, squinting in the sunshine. “We’ll catch up later.”
He’s been in the military for the last ten years. Surely there’s other things he’d rather do now than set up tents?
“Seen Mom and Dad yet?”
“Course! Mom started cooking. Dad said you guys would all be here.” He grips my shoulder like he wants me to relax, and maybe I should. “You look great, man,” he says again. “Fuck, I missed you.”
My gaze wanders to Chloe. She’s laughing heartily with Autumn. They’ve already decorated the tent with a bunch of wicker baskets and garlands of flowers. Chloe is describing something to Autumn, using her hands a whole lot and making faces. “Missed you too, man.” Guilt creeps through me at the thought of why he left, and I look away from Chloe, to the shrieks coming closer and closer.
Hunter, Logan, and Haley come running, and for a hot minute it’s a jumble of King family hugs. Haley wipes a tear away and stays tucked under Ethan’s arm. “Alright guys, tell me what to do,” he says again.
“Jeez, they really brainwashed you! All you do is take orders?” Hunter jokes.
“Yeah, you little fuck.” Ethan laughs. “By the way, Dad said to ride your ass for the piss-poor job you did cleaning the stables. Wanna give me a hundred push-ups?”
We all laugh and move to set up the next tent. I’ll return to the food tent later to finish hooking up the generator I borrowed and all the portable kitchen equipment.
I glance toward Chloe, who’s now helping Autumn write shit on blackboards. She lifts her head toward me, and our gazes lock for a brief moment before I’m pulled into setting up the next tent.
And now I feel guilty about her too.
When will this ever stop?
That evening the whole King family is having dinner together at the farm. Mom made a pot roast, and Dad is liberally serving wine and beer. It’s only us for once, and it’s all of us. Their monthly Sunday dinners, pretty much half the town has an open invitation, so we do get together a lot. But just Mom and Dad and us ‘kids,’ it doesn’t happen often. And I can’t remember the last time Ethan was here. It seems he came once during all the time he was enrolled, but we were tied up with some function or another, and I can’t remember being seated like this, around the family table, since… since before.
I don’t know when it will ever happen again.
Ethan is quiet about the stuff he does while he’s away. He just says he’s glad to be back and that it was time.
“So how long you staying this time?” I finally ask. I’m the last person who should fault him for enrolling, but I know Mom—and also Dad, although he doesn’t show it—miss him a lot. It has to be bittersweet for them to see him, only to have him leave again, not knowing if this might be his last time with us.
He shrugs and looks at Mom and Dad. “It’s kinda open right now. Don’t have a timeline yet.”
“You can stay here as long as you like,” Dad says. “I’ll keep you busy.” He’s always wanted all of his children working on the farm. I know he doesn’t understand my commitment to the pub, but at least I stayed in town.
Mom shrieks, drops her fork, and clasps her hands to her heart. “Ohmygod, my baby is staying!” she says, and we all laugh. Ethan looks nothing like a baby, at least not to us. I don’t even know how Mom can still see him that way.
“Mom, I just said I didn’t know how long I was staying,” Ethan says with a sad smile for Mom.
She waves his argument away. “That’s a good start, honey. A very good start.”
After dinner, Logan says, “Let’s go to The Growler.”
“How about Lazy’s?” Ethan asks. “I wanna check it out.”
Something warms in my core. Something that feels like pride and… affection?
Haley doesn’t want to come with us, and I can’t blame her. It’s where she works most of the time, these days. Mom and Dad pretend to be tired, but I think they want to give their sons some time together. So it’s just us guys.
Once at the pub, I manage to not get roped into the operation, to just sit back and relax in my own place, to watch my brothers have a good time in my pub. Girls take notice of the four King brothers hanging out together, but we’re too into ourselves for anything to get any further.
And thank god for that.
It’s late at night when we get home. Mom, Dad, and Haley have already gone to bed. Hunter and Logan stumble drunkenly up the stairs.
I’m on a different schedule, what with the pub opening at noon and staying open late into the night. I’m not tired yet.
“A beer?” Ethan asks.
“Sure.”
We sit on the porch, Moose at our feet, and pop our beers open, looking out into the dark fields, the shape of the barn against the moonlit sky. “So fucking proud of ya,” he says after a while.
“Proud of what?” I ask, almost offended. I run a pub in the middle of nowhere while Ethan is risking his life on the daily to keep us all safe.
He turns his face to me. “The way you rebuilt your life. The way you created something for this whole town.”
His compliment sits uneasily with me. I know he doesn’t mean it sarcastically, but I’m the reason he left the family and Emerald Creek.
He was the firstborn son. He went to UVM on a full athletic scholarship. I thought he was going to take over from Dad when the time came, and in between, they were going to work together on expanding King Knoll Farm.
Then I fucked up, and Ethan left.
“Anybody did something good with his life, it’s you, man. I just sell beer.”
His grunt tells me he doesn’t agree but won’t debate me on that. Not right now. “You ever think of settling down?”
I’ve lived in Emerald Creek my whole life. How more settled down does he want me to be? “I don’t follow.”
“Settling down. Having what Mom and Dad have. A family. That sounds pretty awesome to me. You?”
I don’t know how to answer his question. Until the accident, I didn’t project myself into what my adult life would look like. After the accident, I worked on fixing things. Making life better for others.
I knew I messed up Ethan’s life. His love life, and his whole, entire fucking life. He needs to know that I know that. That the way I’m living my life, is my apology to him. Because if he doesn’t know that, how can he move on?
“I—I can’t do that. Not after what happened. Not after what I did to you. It’s just not gonna happen.” I’m happy, so fucking happy he’s here, alive, and healthy, and I hope he gets the life he wants. The life he was meant to have. But until that happens, I’m not thinking about building something for myself.
He pinches the bridge of his nose between his fingers, looking just like Dad when we used to mess up. It tugs at my heart how alike they are. I used to be jealous of it. Hell, a part of me will probably always be jealous. “Fuck, man. What are you talking about?”
He turns to me like someone who knows exactly what I’m talking about. “I ran away like a fucking coward when you were in the hospital. I didn’t even know if you were gonna make it. I can’t believe you never said anything about that. I failed you.” He pets Moose, his gaze turning to the night. “But you know what? I forgave myself. I was just a kid. Scared. I messed up. People mess up, bro. The only thing to do is pick up the pieces and keep going.”
“Yeah, except not everyone got to do that,” I croak. I don’t remember her face. I only remember the stench of burning flesh. Hers. Mine. It stuck to me for a long time.
“It wasn’t your fault,” Ethan says. “You almost died trying to save her. You did everything you could and more.”
“It doesn’t matter. I shouldn’t have… driven her home.”
Ethan exhales loudly. “We were kids, Justin. You were a baby. But if you want to go down that road, then—you… you did right by her. I didn’t. She came to the party to find me. I should have been looking out for her.”
“What do you mean? She was your girlfriend. I hit on your girlfriend. I took her home to get lucky and—”
“She wasn’t my girlfriend. I didn’t even know where she lived! We’d hooked up once before and I’d called it off. Then she came onto me a little strong at the party, and I told her off a little strong too. There was nothing between us.”
My heart skips a beat, and my blood runs cold. “I thought… I thought… I thought that’s why you left.”
“Yeah, I heard that before. But naah. She wasn’t the one.” He hands me another beer, and I take it without thinking, downing it in one long gulp. He continues. “Did you know… shit, I can’t even remember her last name right now, isn’t it weird? Oh yeah… Ward. Audrey Ward. Did you know the Wards met with Murphy? Couple years ago, that is.”
“Couple years ago?” I knew about formal meetings in the weeks following the accident. Mom and Dad represented me, as I was in the hospital. Our lawyer negotiated the settlement payment with Murphy’s lawyers, and as it was, Sullivan’s since he was the one with the deep pockets.
Wish I’d known then that once I got out of the hospital, I’d set my eyes on the old forge for a new pub in town. I’d have negotiated kicking Murphy out as part of the deal.
“What about?” I ask him.
“Wanted to let him know they forgave him.”
Well fuck me. They forgave the asshole who drove too fast on a winding country road at night during a storm, leading him to skid right into my car and kill their daughter?
“Made me think. ’Bout forgiving myself, you know. You might wanna think about it. Maybe you should talk with them.”
The second beer is hitting me strong. “Who?”
“The Wards. You should give them a call. Have lunch or something. Who knows? Might help you.”
“I don’t need help. And if I did, they’d be the last people I’d turn to.” Is he out of his mind?
He stands abruptly. “A’right. I’m gonna hit the sack,” he says. “You okay to drive?”
No, I’m not. I had two beers back-to-back after drinks at the pub, and visions of a burning woman next to the wreck of my car more vivid than they’ve been in years. “I’ll crash on the couch.”
He stretches his impressive body, his fingers touching the porch ceiling. “That new girl…”
New girl? “Yeah?”
“You’re doing something about her, right. The one at the fairgrounds. You know who I mean. New girl,” he repeats.
Chloe.Bringing her up after we talk about the accident is like a literal balm on my gaping wound. But I’m not talking about her with Ethan. What are we, middle-school girls? “’Night, bro.”
“’Night, asshole.”
I settle on the couch, Moose at my feet. It’s good to have Ethan back. But what he just said, the whole forgiveness from the Wards? I had no idea.
They reached out to Murphy, but not to me. Do they still hate me for what I did?