Chapter 31
ALWAYS LIVE HERE
Ihad sex with Holt.
I had unprotected sex with Holt.
My ex. My husband’s brother.
Shoot. Shoot, shoot, shoot. Shoot. Shoot!
Okay, okay, late husband. I’m not married anymore.
Does that make it any better?
“Fuck!” I drop my head into my hands and curse the word at least another half dozen times. I’m a terrible person. I don’t know how I feel.
What are people going to think?
What do I think?
I think I’m going to be sick…
I feel hot and sticky, and a little overwhelmed inside. My mind is swimming with more than I can pull apart, more than I can dissect.
The shower is running, the humming sound of water drumming into the floor surrounds me. I let the robe fall to the floor before I step under the spray, pulling the curtain closed behind me. Then I sink to my knees.
I’m not sure how long I stay like that. Only that the shower curtain shifts eventually, and I feel the warmth of a big body behind me.
Holt’s arms come around me, and he pulls me into his chest. The scruff of his short beard bites into my soft skin as he moves his mouth to my ear.
Raggedly, like a man stripped down to his very soul, he begs, “Don’t regret me, Faye.”
Oh, God. I could never.
“I could never regret you.”
“That’s not what this looks like.”
“I’m so confused right now,” I tell him honestly. “I feel so lost.”
“Just hold on to me, baby. Hold on tight and I’ll show you the way, because I’m never going to let go of you again.” His lips slide over the ridge of my shoulder. “Never again.”
“I just—” I feel like I’m going to come apart at the seams. “I never stopped loving you, either.” A sob catches in the back of my throat.
Holt’s arms tighten around me. “Tate knew. I know he knew, and he never once made me feel guilty because of it—but I felt guilty anyway. How could I love him like I did and love you still?”
“Baby.”
“How can you forgive me, Holt? How can you want me knowing—”
His legs move around me, pulling me closer into the nook of his body.
“I always knew Tate loved you, I just thought I loved you more. I told myself you were meant for me.” My body shakes against his.
Emotions I’ve long since buried are climbing to the surface in a surging wave I can’t hope to contain.
“For a long time, I hated him and resented the fact I ever loved you. Even through the resentment, though, I never stopped. Now—” He pauses, presses a soft kiss to the side of my neck.
“Now I think you were always meant to love me just as you were meant to love him. You were made to love us.”
I don’t know what it is about Holt’s words, but I swear I hear the echo of Tate in them. I hear the forgiveness and acceptance. I hear his love.
It makes me sob harder. And when Holt holds me tighter, a warmth surrounds us both, and I could swear that we’re not alone in this moment. He’s here. My husband. The love I was never meant to spend my whole life with. The love I was meant to spend his whole life with…
“It hurts,” I whisper. I’m not sure who I’m whispering to.
Holt answers, “I know.”
He pulls me up into his arms, under the spray of water. He washes my hair and body and towels me dry before he carries me to the bed. A moment of fear sparks inside me that he is going to leave, and I cling to him, bringing him down to me.
“Don’t go.”
“I’m not going anywhere.”
My heart is cracked wide open, leaking into all the parts of me. But when he gives me his weight, settling his body into mine, I feel a little more contained. Like the wreckage of this moment won’t be the very end of me.
This time, I’m the one who closes the space between us to kiss him. He tastes like the future even as he reminds me of a past I never could make myself forget. The collision of the two is a lot to handle and more than I can comprehend in this moment.
Still, I don’t stop kissing him. The taste of life is addictive after the bitterness of death. I can’t deny that I am ready to live again.
My hands drift over his back, over the muscles that ripple there, stacked on a life of hard work and physical training. I sigh into his kiss when he shivers, pleased to know he is as affected by my touch as I am his.
Like before, a hunger not to be denied stirs in my belly. Unlike before, the coming together of us is slow, and tender, and without words.
Our bodies move as though they’ve always moved together, seeking a closeness written into the code of our souls upon the moment of our creation.
He kisses me, his tongue stroking softly against mine as his hands roam my flesh.
The thick hardness of him is a weight against my center that spills a longing so acute, it feathers pain that is relieved only when he aligns his tip with my core and pushes inside.
His thrust is slow and smooth. My body does not resist him even as it grips him.
When he bottoms out, fitted perfectly inside me like he was always intended for me, my soft sigh ribbons with his guttural groan.
And then he moves, rocking slowly in and out of me. We aren’t fucking. We’re making love. Slow and simple, and soft, and beautiful, like souls threaded together should.
When we come, we come together in a tangle of limbs and tongues and souls. We’re so twisted together, so wound up in the fabric of our making, I know we’ll never come undone. Not ever again.
Holt gathers me in his arms, holding me tightly as he murmurs low, “Mom and Dad are keeping the kids tonight. She said she keeps clothes there for them, so she’ll drive them to school in the morning.”
I twist in his arms. “You spoke with Elise?”
He nods. “Yeah.”
“When?”
“After the hall.”
I feel heat spill into my cheeks. “Oh.” My voice is a whole lot quieter when I ask, “Does she know you’re here?”
He nods again. “Yeah.”
“Oh.”
Holt takes my chin between thumb and finger, holding my eyes. “They’re okay with this, Faye.”
My eyes sting. “How…”
Holt chuckles. “My dad got me here by telling me Tanner was making moves on you. He knew what he was doing when he put me in that office with you. And if you think my mom wasn’t on board with that plan, you’d be wrong.”
“They—” I feel my mouth drop open and have to work to close it. “They set us up?”
“I have no doubt they did exactly that.”
“I’m so confused.” I think I’ve told him this a thousand times tonight. I’m a grown woman, but I’ve never felt so insecure about everything. I don’t want to hurt anyone. There’s already been enough hurt to go around.
“We’ll figure it out,” Holt promises.
I’m quiet for a long moment, and then I whisper, “Owen told me he would be okay if—if we—”
Holt’s brows inch high. “He did?”
I nibble my lip. “Yeah, he did.” I sniffle. “My baby is growing up so fast, but he’s still my baby. I just don’t want him to feel like I don’t love Tate, because I’ll always love him.”
“I know.” His smile is soft. I’m surprised that there isn’t even a touch of pain in it. “And he’ll always love you. He’ll always live here.” Holt touches my chest. “Always, Faye.”