Chapter 30
Ever since Cullen had asked Mia about her relationship status, he’d wondered at his sanity. He’d told the truth in regards to his thoughts regarding relationships.
So why did he want to know hers so badly?
She weighed heavily on his mind, his thoughts affected by her. He wished he knew what it was about Mia that kept him wanting more. What did she have that no other woman before her had exhibited?
What was it that made him crazy if she wasn’t near?
The miles passed in a blur as they drew closer and closer to Virginia. She dozed in her seat, allowing him time to get lost in his thoughts. Which wasn’t exactly a good thing.
Because she consumed them. Though she might be in new clothes, the aftermath of their crash was visible in the tiny cuts that had yet to heal on her face and the bruise at her hairline above her right eye where her head had slammed into the steering wheel and concussed her.
The sounds of the crash echoed in his head. They had both survived, and that in itself was a miracle. But that meant the Saints would only up the ante next time.
By the time he stopped to fill up the gas tank, he had yet to come up with a solution to keep her safe. She would fight him to be in the action.
It wasn’t that she wasn’t qualified to stand with him. No, him wanting to keep her out of it was for purely selfish reasons. The idea of seeing her hurt again, or worse—dead—left him shaken.
He pulled on the baseball cap he’d found in the backseat. With it tugged down low over his face, he shut off the ignition and climbed out.
While the gas pumped, his gaze moved over each person at the station. Everyone was a potential threat. After the tank was filled, he locked the vehicle with Mia still sleeping inside and made his way to the store to grab some snacks.
Within minutes, he was back in the car. He looked at her to find her still asleep. Unable to help himself, he ran the backs of his fingers along her cheek.
She’d saved his life. He owed her so much now, and he wasn’t sure how to even begin to pay her back.
Others had saved him before, and he hadn’t felt such . . . uncertainty with them. Then again, none of them had been Mia. She was as unique and special as the stars.
He blew out a breath and started the car. Then he drove away, pulling back onto the road. He glanced at his phone, thinking of her words regarding Wyatt.
Yet he still didn’t call his eldest sibling. Wyatt was his family by blood, but he’d never made Cullen feel as if Wyatt wanted another brother.
There was a bond between Wyatt and Owen because they’d been the ones to find their mom. Before that, Cullen had been the irritating brother who always wanted to tag along while not quite keeping up.
Even after all these years, he still felt like that young, gangly kid. No one quite measured up in Wyatt’s eyes.
With all Cullen had experienced and been a part of, he no longer felt the need to try. Wyatt didn’t even want to be looking for their father. It was only Callie and Owen who were making him participate.
Perhaps that was the reason Cullen wasn’t so keen on calling his eldest brother. The reason didn’t matter in the end. No doubt Owen would fill Wyatt in when they spoke.
Cullen set down the cell phone and pressed the accelerator. He saw the welcome sign as they passed into Virginia. His hands gripped the steering wheel tightly. They would immediately begin hunting for the Saints.
It was going to be tricky. Hunting while keeping themselves hidden. No matter what they did, they wouldn’t be able to keep away from the Saints for long.
Beside him, Mia let out a sigh as she woke. She stretched, arching her back so her breasts thrust forward. He bit back a moan, his blood heating as he imagined leaning over and wrapping his lips around a nipple.
“We’re in Virginia?” she asked as she looked out the window, reading the signs.
“Just crossed the state line.”
She sat straight and smoothed back her hair. “Where do we start?”
“I thought we’d head to the Pentagon and stake it out for a while. Markovic might show there.”
“And if he doesn’t?”
“That’s the only place I can think of.”
She was quiet for a moment before she put her hand into the pocket of her jacket. He saw her frown before taking out a piece of paper to read it.
“We’ll need a place to stay,” she said.
He’d been so wrapped up in everything else, he hadn’t thought about where they would sleep. The car might work for a night or two, but nothing longer. Having a place where they could set up would benefit them.
“We’ll find a motel somewhere,” he said.
She made a face. “We take the chance of someone being a Saint.”
“It’s not like we have a house.”
A smile formed as she turned her head to him. “Actually, I think we might.”
“What do you mean?” he asked.
She held up a piece of paper with an address written on it. “Sergei must have put it in my jacket.”
“Or Lev.”
She snorted, her face clearly stating what she thought of that. “Lev doesn’t want Sergei helping. Lev wouldn’t do this.”
“Let’s go check out the address.”
Her smile widened.
“We’re going to owe Sergei a lot if we survive this.”
She laughed, nodding. “I know. And Sergei will collect.”
“Lev will be pissed.”
“Let him be,” she said. “He needs to have those perfect feathers of his ruffled.”
He grinned at her statement. “He’s only doing his job.”
“I know, but that doesn’t mean he has to be an ass.”
“He’s a dangerous man. Having him for an ally is a good thing, especially now.”
She gave a half-shrug. “He’s just so . . . cold.”
“And calculating.”
“Yes,” she agreed. “But you’re just as calculating. What makes you different from him?”
He glanced at her. “Do you find me cold?”
There was a brief pause. “Anything but.”
It was a good thing he was driving, because if not, he’d have taken her in his arms and kissed her. The fire he saw in her eyes was electric.
He shifted his eyes back to the road. The desire in him burned. Blazed. His balls tightened just imagining having her in his arms again.
With a mental shake of his head, he pushed aside such thoughts before they led him down a road he wasn’t prepared to walk.
Then he recalled her question about what made him different from Lev. “I don’t think I’m much different than Lev. I kill for the government that trained me. He kills to protect a man he owes loyalty to.”
“He’s murdered.”
Cullen thought back to a previous mission—the small village in Kuwait and the house he’d entered with his team. “There are many things I’ve done in the name of freedom for my country. Make no mistake, Mia, I’m as much a killer as Lev.”
“You and every man and woman in uniform kills in war. It’s either that or be killed.”
“Sometimes it isn’t so black and white. Sometimes, things go very wrong.”
She licked her lips, her gaze never leaving him. “Like?”
Why had he said anything? Why couldn’t he just let it go? Was it because he didn’t want her to think he was a good man? Perhaps he was trying to make her dislike him as she did Lev. Would that make it easier to walk away from her?
Because walk away he must.
Even though he longed to stay.
For the first time in his life, he’d found someone who called to him in ways he hadn’t thought were possible.
“Cullen?” she urged.
“A few years ago, my team and I were sent to Kuwait to check out a lead we’d gotten on a top member of a terrorist group. We found the tiny village and made our way to the house. We busted down the door. Standing there was a four-year-old boy, looking up at us with big, dark eyes.”
He saw the boy in his dreams sometimes, but the nightmares had lessened with the years.
“My hesitation got one of my men killed when the terrorists opened fire. The screams of the women were as loud as the gunfire. I could see the boy screaming, but I couldn’t hear him over the noise.
“We returned fire. When it was all over, the stillness and quiet were thunderous. And at my feet was the boy. I don’t know who killed him. If it was us or the terrorists, Just a few feet away there was a woman riddled with bullets. She lay with her hand outstretched to the child.”
“His mother,” Mia said.
He nodded. “I believe so.”
“That wasn’t your fault. You did your job. It’s the terrorists’ fault for staying in a place with women and children.”
“I told myself exactly that. When we were sent to another house, I didn’t hesitate as I had before.
We kicked open the door and entered. The instant I saw a weapon, I fired.
It wasn’t until they all lay dead that we realized the house only held women and children.
Not a single terrorist was in the place. ”
She shook her head as a frown deepened her forehead. “You said you saw a weapon.”
“They were guns they’d found and were taking apart so the terrorists couldn’t use them. Those women and kids were trying to help us.”
“Oh, God,” she murmured.
He blew out a breath. He’d lived with what he’d done for many years. If only he’d hesitated again. Maybe then he wouldn’t be carrying the weight of those deaths, but he deserved no less.
“You did your job,” Mia said.
He appreciated how she was trying to justify what he’d done, but nothing could do that. “I’m a killer. Same as Lev.”
“You’re nothing like Lev. You do what you do to save lives. He does what he does to keep Sergei on top. Those are two different things.”
“I think there is more to Lev than you realize.”
“Well, I don’t want to know it.”
Cullen wasn’t so sure they’d seen the last of the Brigadier. Lev was exactly the type of person they needed to fight the Saints. Besides, there was something about Lev that Cullen recognized, something he saw in himself—regret.
Mia suddenly put her hand on his arm. “What happened with you and those kids was a dreadful, horrendous thing. But it wasn’t done with malice. You didn’t go in there looking to kill women and children. That was a mistake. You were fighting terrorists trying to kill you.”
“Our intel was confirmed by a local we’d used several times. I found him in a brothel a few hours later. I beat him until my knuckles bled. He confessed that the terrorists had paid him to lie to us.”
“What did you do then?”
He met her dark eyes. “I slit his throat.”
“He deserved no less.”
Cullen didn’t bother to mention that what he’d done was murder because he could see in her eyes that she would never think of it that way.
And strangely, that healed a part of his soul.