Chapter 8
CHAPTER EIGHT
ORION
The next day, I walked around my office like a fool, trying to shrug Elena out of my mind. Irritation still clung to me after waking up from an erotic dream about her. I had just finished a conference call with my team, but I could still sense herpresence as though she were right beside me. Even her floral perfume scent stirred in my office.
She was like a cunning thief stealing my sanity, time, and energy.
I stopped at my desk and stared at her reply to my email, wondering what she was doing. I should work on the drone prototype, see the status of the software development, check in on the construction of the building on my island, as well as countless other projects on my to-do list. Not to mention I hadn’t worked on Level Six for a few weeks because there hadn’t been time.
No, I just didn’t have energy. Or was it motivation?
You’re sex deprived.
Needing to calm my mind, I stepped onto my furnished balcony and took in a big inhale of the late August air. The low humidity offered comfort for my body. I could tell it was on edge where a trigger could start a panic attack.
Over the years I’d learned how to read my body and knew what I needed. The anxiolytics never worked because my mind knew what they were trying to do.
I paced the balcony, trying to empty my thoughts, but the stress had seeped into my bones, my muscles. There was a lot on my plate, but that was my fault for taking on too many things. I dropped to the lounge chair and settled back.
As I breathed, I saw the faces of my loved ones. Over the years I’d come to understand this monster inside me. It had grown with the death of each person I loved.Their presence had been the barrier between me and the monster. When they died, a part of me went with them.
My mother’s death took a huge chunk from my heart. Then Kate’s death took another portion. I reached for the ring dangling from my necklace. We were supposed to get married, but she lost the battle with the darkness in her. I couldn’t help her. Now, with The Condor’s death, I felt like there was nothing left in my heart.
Sadness, anger, and the feeling that the world was crumbling around me.
You’re the strongest boy I know, Orion. You’re the hunter in the sky, and you can achieve anything.
My mother’s words echoed in my head.
Pain teaches us compassion.
Kate used to tell me that all the time. She had been my best friend. We were similar in so many ways, and I missed her.
An extraordinary person has to overcome extraordinary obstacles. I admire your strength.
The Condor had told me that once. Even though he probably said that to encourage me, I had tucked his words away for days like today.
To the outside world, I appeared like a powerful man who had everything under control. Most days, that was true. But some days, the battle with this internal monster seemed insurmountable. Its claws were too big.I didn’t have any weapons against it. It consumed me, making me vulnerable, and I hated it. As an adult, I should have the strength to overcome it. And yet I still struggled with it.
I’ll destroy you.
The internal war had gone on for too long. I blamed my father for the pressure he’d put on me since I was born. It was as though he had a to-do list for me the second I entered this world.
Be the best at everything. Carry on my legacy. Make me proud.
As a vulnerable child, I didn’t have a choice but to follow those rules. He had planted the darkness in me. My childhood wasn’t like the other kids who had free time or enjoyed normal vacations. My vacation had tutors for math, science, philosophy, art, fencing, Krav Maga,and other topics that ensured I became the best at everything. I was a bird trapped in a luxurious cage with all the bells and whistles. But those bells and whistles became my nightmare.
I had listened to my father until it broke me one day.
I stumble into my mom’s home office, tryingto call for her, but nothing comes out of my mouth.
The muscles in my throat tighten as my heart races. My body grows hot, and I’m trembling.
Mom senses me, looks up from her desk, and rushes over. “Oh my God, Orion!”
I collapse onto the floor. The science book in my hand thuds next to me. My body quivers uncontrollably as I look up at the blurry ceiling.
Mom gathers me up. “Look at me, baby. Breathe in and out.”
I’m so mad at myself for not being stronger. For not being able to fight this panic attack.
Tears well in her eyes as she holds me. “You’re okay. Just breathe. In and out.” She wipes the sweat from my face.
I look at her caring eyes, and a calming sensation washes over me.
Mom has taken me to the doctor several times for my anxiety. She’s fought with my dad for not being around much and adding too many things to my day. Though he’s reduced my educational workload, the damage has already been done. I’m fifteen now, trying to fight this disorder that’s made my life miserable.
“Look around the room. What are three things that are red?”
I look around Mom’s eclectic office full of astrology and astronomydecorations and find three things for her.
“Mars, solar flares, and the root chakra on your energy poster.”
“Good. Now let’s find three orange things.”
I’ve spent time in my mom’s office listening to her chat with her astrologer friends at virtual conferences. The cosmos fascinates me, and I can see why mom loves it. There’s no absolute meaning to it.
Space is limitless. There are so many galaxies out there, some undiscovered.My mom is a scientist, and she says they don’t know everything. Nobody does. Unlike a math equation with a definite answer, astrology is a science and an art that gives a multitude of answers.
By the time I find three things for the last color of the rainbow, I feel ninety percent better.
I sit up on the floor, crisscrossing my legs. “Thanks, Mom.”
Mom does the same in front of me. “It’s my job to protect you, Orion.” She places a hand on my forehead. “Are the meds helping? If not, I can have the doctor prescribe something else.”
“They help sometimes. But I don’t like taking them.”
The constant medication makes me think something is majorly wrong with me. I have a disorder that’s invisible. It lives in my mind.
But there issomething that has helped me channel my anxiety elsewhere—and my mom will have a heart attack if I tell her I’m a protégé to the best thief out there. So I keep that thought to myself.
Mom continues to study me.“Let’s reduce your afterschool programs to just two instead of five, okay? You can swap them in a few months. You decide what programs you want to learn. But you do need to maintain your good grades in school.” She pats my head and kisses my forehead. “Take Saturdays off. How does that sound?”
My heart leaps. “You mean it? Will Dad be mad? I don’t want you guys to fight again.”
She cups my face with her hands. “Your dad loves you. He’s a private and stern man, but he loves you. Trust me.”
I really want to believe her, but my dad spends half the year traveling. When he’s home, our conversations are about my studies. I can count on one hand how many times he’s given me a hug. But I don’t want to make mom sad, so I just nod.
“I’ll deal with him, okay? He needs to cut back on his work too if he wants to live a long and healthy life. Your dad has a lot of pressure on him too. But I’ll remind him what’s important is his health and his family.”
I’m grateful to have my mom with me. She’s so smart and works part-time as an astrologer so she can spend more time with me.
“Can you teach me about astrology and astronomy?”
Her eyes sparkle. “I’d be honored. I’ve been waiting for you to ask me.”
“Why?”
“Because that’s when I know you really want to learn it. I don’t want to force you to study something that might not interest you. I know you’re studying a lot of subjects that seem boring to you. But you’ll be well prepared for this complex and dangerous world, Orion.” She cups my chin. “The cosmos is an elective subject that’s fun and unique—like you. I’m passionate about the stars, and I would love to pass that knowledge onto you. I named you Orion, didn’t I?”
I smile as I envision the hunter in the sky. It can be seen in the southwestern sky from the Northern Hemisphere and the northwestern sky from the Southern Hemisphere. I’ve seen it many times from the telescope on the balcony of her office.
“Why do you like that constellation, Mom?”
“Because he’s the hero who’s going to destroy the big bad beast.” She smiles and taps my forehead.
Mom’s my savior. I wish my dad were like her.
Tires squealing on the pavement ripped me back to the present. I rose from the lounge chair and glanced down at the streets. Another car accident.
My stomach growled, and I decided to pick up something to eat before diving back to work. On the street, I heard the commotion from the car accident.
“He was crazy, officer! He saw me coming and sped up!” said an older man, looking distressed. A Subaru was smashed against his landscaping truck.
“It’s so sad. He must’ve been on drugs or something,” said one woman to another.
Moments like these reminded me that life could end in one second. So I walked across the street to get my dinner so I could enjoy every second of my life. As I stood on the sidewalk with a group of people waiting for the walk sign to appear, a woman exited a familiar car on the other side of the street.
Elena—my new employee—stepped out wearing a FoodHub T-shirt and matching cap and entered an office building carrying a bag of takeout. A FoodHub magnet glowed on top of her Honda Civic, still dented from crashing into my car.
She delivered food? Why? She was a seasoned journalist. I looked at her old car that desperately needed repairs, if not replacing altogether. But I’d learned you couldn’t know someone’s story from a glance. Some people were experts at hiding their flaws...and their monsters.
What was Elena’s story? She had asked me for an advance before she even started working. Was she in a financial predicament?
She came out of the office with a smile on her face, entered her car, and drove off. My eyes followed her as she disappeared into traffic. I desperately wanted to order something online so FoodHub could deliver it to my office. Instead, when the walk sign blinked on, I headed to a food court. I could ask her on Monday how many jobs she has.