25
25
I checked Rose’s room in the holiday cabin to make sure she was asleep, then looked in on Dylan. He was sitting up in bed, playing on his phone, headphones on. I gestured to ask him to lower them.
‘You okay?’ I asked.
‘I guess.’
‘Pretty dramatic today, huh?’
He shrugged.
‘Did you ... see anything? Between Rose and Henry, I mean? Before his accident.’
‘I just know that she hates him. Like she hates everyone at the moment.’
‘She doesn’t hate you.’
‘Huh.’ He was looking at his phone screen, rather than me. Avoiding eye contact. ‘She’s so angry with Mum. I think the only person she cares about right now is Fiona.’
I sighed. ‘I’m sure that’s not true. But ... you’re not a big fan of Fiona’s, are you? Why is that?’
He didn’t reply straight away. He fiddled with his phone, tapping at it, and I wondered if he was too distracted by his game to answer. But then he said, ‘There’s something sketchy about her. Like, when she doesn’t know you’re watching her, she changes.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I can’t explain it properly. But it’s like, all the emotion disappears from her face and she goes blank. Like, I dunno, a robot or something.’ He went a little pink as he said this, and I wondered if it was because, in order to make this observation, he must have spent a lot of time looking at her. ‘Also, the other day, when Rose got back from their day out in the countryside, I saw them outside whispering to each other before Rose came inside, like they had a big secret.’
‘What kind of a big secret?’
‘How am I supposed to know? I just think ...’
I waited.
‘You always tell us to be wary of strangers. To not talk to people online or share our address or accept gifts. You taught us to be vigilant when it comes to people we don’t know. But with Fiona, it’s like all that went out the window.’
‘We do know her, though. She’s our neighbour.’
‘For, like, five minutes!’
He put his headphones back on, signalling the end of the conversation. I left his room, feeling discombobulated. All this stuff about her face going blank when no one was looking was bizarre – and, frankly, hard to believe. I hadn’t seen that side of her at all – had I? I racked my brain for any signs that she was anything other than completely nice and normal. All I could think of was that she hadn’t told us about Rose seeing a man die in the park, and she’d let Rose watch a horror movie. There was Tommy’s weird conviction that she’d had something to do with his son’s accident, but I was sure that was nonsense.
You like her because she flirts with you, flatters you , said a little voice in my head. You can’t see beyond her pretty face and her body.
But Emma liked her too. Trusted her enough to let her look after our daughter.
Dylan had to be imagining it. Misreading Fiona. He was only fifteen, after all, and he spent half his life in imaginary worlds where at least half the people you encountered wanted to kill you.
But even as I tried to reassure myself that Rose’s character hadn’t changed, I couldn’t shake the sensation of unease – and the root cause of that was obvious. My discomfort whenever Fiona was mentioned. My guilt.
Playing laser tag with Emma earlier, being a team, having fun outside our domestic environment – it had brought it home to me how much I not only loved her but liked her. She was not just my wife and the mother of my children. She was my favourite person. She was cool and capable and game for a laugh. She was compassionate and clever. Fiona was nothing compared to Emma.
And I was in terrible danger of losing her.
I took a deep breath and steeled myself. It was time we talked.
I found her sitting at the table outside, looking out at the lake, or pond – whatever it was. She had a bottle of wine in front of her, her glass half full. She poured one for me and pushed it in my direction as I sat down.
‘Do you ever wish we still smoked?’ she asked. We had both quit when she got pregnant with Dylan. ‘I was just thinking how delicious a cigarette would be right now.’
‘I could go and buy some if you like.’
‘Ha.’
‘I need to talk to you,’ I said, at the same time that she said, ‘We need to talk.’
I made a zipping motion across my lips and nodded for Emma to go ahead, a little dagger of dread pressing into my heart. Was this the conversation where she told me she was leaving me, that she was in love with someone else?
She took a deep breath.
‘I saw Mike,’ she said.
This of course delivered an electric charge, but I retained enough presence of mind to weigh my options: tell her that I knew this, that I’d seen them, or act surprised. In the end, my reaction was somewhere in between. I waited, heart thumping, bracing myself for what came next.
‘It was the other day, before Iris gave you that money and you booked this holiday. I ... It’s hard to explain, and I need you to listen without interrupting or getting angry or upset, okay?’
I nodded. My insides had gone cold.
‘Last year, when you found out about my friendship with him and forced me to end it, I knew it was the right thing to do because I valued our marriage and our family above everything else. I loved and love you, and didn’t and don’t want to be with anyone else.’
I could sense a ‘but’ coming.
‘But ... and please don’t freak out, let me finish ... I was a little bit in love with him. That infatuated, new-person kind of “in love”, when you meet someone that you feel you have a connection with. Do you understand?’
I nodded. My mouth was too dry for me to speak.
‘Nothing physical happened between Mike and me. I’ve told the truth about that. I never kissed him. We never touched each other. We didn’t talk about sex or exchange sexual messages or anything like that.’
‘But that ... that might have happened,’ I said, ‘if you’d carried on seeing him.’
She hesitated, took a sip of wine. ‘It might. I don’t know. There was tension. I did think about it. And before you get upset, can you deny that you’ve ever fantasised about someone else since we’ve been together?’
I couldn’t deny it.
‘It’s normal,’ she said. ‘But what wasn’t normal, what wasn’t right, was how addicted I felt to his company. How often we would meet up, even if it was just talking. It was dangerous. And I think I wanted you to find out, to put a stop to it before anything more happened. I was scared to tell you about it, but I made it easy for you to discover what was going on.’
I nodded, remembering how she’d left her phone out, unlocked, so I could see she had added the extra layer of security to WhatsApp. How she had immediately caved when I’d demanded to know why.
‘So when you found out what was happening and went ballistic, I was relieved. It was horrible, yes. I hated how hurt you were. I hated all the arguments. And I was shocked when you said we needed to move, that I needed to be out of sight of Mike, even though I knew you were right. So I agreed with you. I did it because I knew it was for the best, and it was what I wanted.’
‘I can feel another “but” coming.’
‘ However ... ’ She smiled, breaking the tension, but just a little. ‘I couldn’t shake this feeling that everything had happened on your terms, and after we moved to our new place, where I didn’t know anyone, in a new house that I still don’t like as much as our old one, I started to feel resentful. I told myself I hadn’t really done anything wrong. I’d been friends with Mike, that was all. Would you have minded if he was a woman? What even is an emotional affair, anyway? I started to think it was a ridiculous term. And I brooded over it, feeling dissatisfied and hard done by. And I was sick and tired of you making me feel guilty, like I was a child who’d done something wrong.’
I had to fight the urge to say But you did do something wrong . Some of the stuff she was saying hurt. But, somehow, knowing that I needed to push that hurt aside – or we would never get anywhere, never get through this – I bit my tongue. After a moment, I was able to say, ‘Emma, you should have talked to me about all of this. Told me how you were feeling.’
‘I couldn’t. Because I was sure you would just tell me that I had no right to complain, that it was me who’d almost wrecked our marriage, that I should suck it up and get on with it.’
I was shocked. ‘I never talk to you like that.’
‘No. But I’m sure that’s what you think. Maybe in milder terms, but I’m in the right ballpark, aren’t I?’
It was hard for me to deny.
‘Anyway, that’s why I decided to see Mike. I wanted that chance to do things on my terms. To see if I did still have feelings for him.’
That made me flinch. ‘And ... do you?’
‘No. Oh, Ethan, don’t look so worried. You know what? I didn’t even have platonic feelings for him. I realised that I didn’t even like him that much – that he’s boring. Big-headed. Not funny. I have no idea what I was even thinking last year ... Except, and this is something we are going to need to talk about, I think I was trying to fill a gap in my life, something I wasn’t getting from our marriage.’ Another gulp of wine. ‘This is all hard to say and hard to hear, I’m sure. I’m just trying to be totally honest.’
I nodded. I felt sick. But my overwhelming sensation was relief. She hadn’t told me she’d realised she loved Mike and wanted to be with him.
‘I am almost certain now that whatever was going on between Mike and me would have burned itself out. I would have come to my senses. Because I do love you. Maybe I was feeling neglected because you were putting so much energy into the shop. Maybe it was just a twenty-year-itch thing. I don’t know. Marriage is hard, isn’t it, especially when you live in a world full of other people. So yeah, that’s what I wanted to say. I feel like a great weight has lifted off me. That the sense of injustice and of unfinished business has gone. Oh my God, Ethan, is that a tear?’
I wiped my cheek. ‘I’m just so relieved. I thought you were going to tell me you wanted a divorce.’
‘And claim half your record collection.’
‘I knew I should have got you to sign a pre-nup.’
We both laughed and I rubbed my eyes, blinking away more tears. I took her hands and we leaned forward, putting our foreheads together. Some of what she’d said had been difficult to hear and I knew there were some issues we were going to have to deal with. On top of that, I could see how wrong I’d been to keep punishing her, and to brood over my own resentment.
We should’ve talked more. Should have been more honest.
We both stood and embraced. I kissed her. She kissed me back. And then we sat down again and talked more. We talked about things we were going to do to make sure we felt close to each other. More time together. Date nights. I would spend less time at the shop. We’d do more things with the kids, as a family. Most importantly, we would check in with each other. Talk more. Not hide things. It was the most constructive, honest conversation we’d had in a long time.
Except I didn’t tell her about how I’d almost kissed Fiona. I didn’t see the point. I had only gone round to see her because I thought Emma was seeing Mike again, and nothing had happened really. It wasn’t important. I could honestly say that I had no feelings for Fiona whatsoever.
Then Emma startled me by saying, ‘I actually have Fiona to thank.’
I pulled back. ‘What? Why?’
‘We had a chat the other day, when she dropped Rose home. She asked me if I was okay, and then started telling me about her ex-girlfriend, about how it would have been their anniversary, and then we ended up opening a bottle of wine and having a bit of a heart-to-heart.’
‘And you told her about Mike?’
I felt something cold creep through my veins. I had already told Fiona about Emma’s ‘emotional affair’ before this.
‘Yeah. Not everything, but enough. Including what I just told you about feeling like it had ended on your terms. And she recommended that I get in touch with him, meet up with him, prove to myself we could just be friends. Of course, she didn’t realise it would end with me not wanting to even be that.’
I was stunned. Fiona had known Emma was going to see Mike, but had acted like she was surprised when I told her.
What was she up to? And now, of course, it was too late to talk to Emma about this, because I’d failed to tell her about my encounter with Fiona.
‘Ethan? Hello?’ Emma was speaking. ‘What was it you wanted to talk to me about?’
I blinked at her. ‘Huh?’
‘When you first came out here, you said you wanted to talk.’
‘Oh.’ I didn’t want to go into it now. I needed time to process what I’d just learned. ‘I was going to talk to you about Rose and this incident with Henry, and her behaviour recently, but it can wait.’
‘Yeah. I’ve decided to try to go a bit easier on her. Like Angela said, she’s growing up. It’s all normal. I just don’t want her to turn into a complete devil.’
I laughed, and said, ‘Amen to that.’
I leaned forward and kissed my wife. ‘I love you,’ I said. ‘Let’s go to bed.’