28. Lizzy
Does he like me,or does he only want to go down on me?
Not that I mind.
To the contrary, the guys I’ve been with in the past usually have no interest in going down on me; rather, they were more interested in getting blown but not reciprocating.
“So what’s the deal with Brodie?” Bethany asks, cutting to the chase, asking the question they’ve both been wondering.
Both?
Try all three of us—I’m wondering, too!
I take a moment to gather my thoughts before responding. Like Sully warned me, Brodie is turning out to be a complicated puzzle, one that I hadn’t quite figured out yet.
As I lounge around with my roommates, the scent of freshly baked pizza wafts through the air, our conversation naturally drifted toward the topic of guys.
Obviously.
I haven’t had this much action since they met me, which was two years ago, and for once, I have shit to talk about when it comes to guys. We’re not all sitting around listening to Bethany anymore.
I have tea!
“What’s the deal with Brodie? Uh. If I knew, I would tell you. And if he knew, I wish he would tell me.”
Ha.
I have no idea what he wants from me.
“Honestly, I can’t quite tell,” I admit, furrowing my brow. “He’s definitely into spending time together? But I’m not sure if he’s looking for something serious or if he’s just enjoying the casual… vibe.”
That’s the polite way of me saying “if he’s just enjoying casual fooling around.”
Jill lets out an exasperated sigh. “Ugh, typical guy. Why can’t they just be straightforward about what they want?”
I can’t help but nod in agreement.
It would certainly make things a lot easier if Brodie would just lay his cards on the table instead of acting all mysterious and shit.
“I think part of the problem is that we haven’t really had a chance to have a serious conversation about it,” I point out. “I’ve been too busy enjoying his company to address the elephant in the room.”
“By enjoying his company, do you mean oral?”
I blush because it’s true.
I don’t hate the oral sex at all.
I love it so much I’m having a hard time trying to separate the physical from the emotional even though we’ve had a few conversations that felt…intimate. Like when we were playing Connect Four and asking each other questions?
I learned a lot about him, and he learned a lot about me, but was he just playing along to placate me or because he truly wanted to be here?
The first thing I told them when I texted them after this morning’s orgasm was that I was late for class—not because I took too much time to get ready and get dressed but ’cause Brodie decided to wake me up by eating me out.
I didn’t put it in those words exactly.
Too crass.
“Maybe it’s a fetish for him. I read about that once,” Bethany says, pulling a slice of pizza from the pan and adding it to her paper plate.
“You did not read about that once,” Jill says with a roll of her eyes.
“Did too. In a magazine.”
I sigh. “He does not have a fetish.”
“Okay. If he doesn’t have a fetish, then why hasn’t he tried to screw you yet?”
“Not every guy wants to have sex.”
They both laugh.
“Stop it. I can’t even take you seriously.” Jill laughs again.
“Yeah. What twenty-something-year-old guy doesn’t want to fuck like a rabbit?” Bethany is chiseling away at her pizza slice with a fork, stabs a piece, then blows on it to cool it off.
I purse my lips, wanting to defend Brodie. “I feel like…he’s not that kind of guy.”
“Maybe,” Bethany concedes. “Do you think he’s just clueless?”
One-hundred percent.
No. One-billion percent clueless, which doesn’t feel assuring.
“Part of me wants to believe that he’s genuinely interested in getting to know me on a deeper level, but another part of me worries that he’s just looking for a friends-with-benefits situation? Sully said he doesn’t date.”
Jill raises an eyebrow, protective-mode kicking in. “And how do you feel about that?”
“Honestly, I’m not sure,” I confess. “On one hand, I enjoy spending time with Brodie—he’s adorable, you guys. I think we have fun? Like, he’s different, you know? Not an idiot.” I laugh. “I think we have chemistry. But on the other hand, I’m not sure if I’m ready to invest my emotions into something that might not go anywhere.”
Bethany reaches out and squeezes my hand with the hand that doesn’t have a slice of pizza in it.
“I totally get where you’re coming from,” she says, offering me a reassuring smile. “But at the end of the day, you deserve to be with someone who’s on the same page as you. If Brodie can’t give you the clarity you need, then maybe it’s time to reevaluate whether or not he’s worth your time.”
“I’ve been thinking a lot about where things stand between us,” I begin slowly, choosing my words carefully. “And I can’t shake the feeling that I want something more than just a casual fling.”
Have since the beginning.
Since he walked back over to our side of the grass, came into my bedroom, and tried to wrangle a squirrel for me despite his reluctance to get his face gnawed off.
Jill’s eyes widen in surprise, while Bethany nods in understanding. “I get that,” she says softly. “But have you talked to Brodie about feeling like he’s only in it for the poontang?”
Bethany’s jaw drops open. “You did not just say that!” She cackles. “Stop it right now, Jill. I can’t with you.”
“I wanted to see your reaction,” she admits. “I’ll stop. This is serious.” She pulls a finger across her lips as if she were zipping it.
“Lizzy, maybe he’s feeling the same way but doesn’t know how to bring it up?”
Maybe.
I shake my head, feeling a knot form in the pit of my stomach.
“We haven’t really talked about it, and I have zero idea how to bring it up.” I sigh, biting off a huge chunk of pizza. “But I know I can’t keep avoiding the conversation forever.”
“You’re right,” Bethany says, voice filled with encouragement. “You deserve to have your feelings heard and validated. And if Brodie cares about you, he’ll listen and respect what you have to say.”
“What guy wants to be lectured about feelings and validation and respect?” I ask, swallowing.
No guys.
“Uh, ’scuse me. This isn’t all about him. This is about you—and him. And if you can’t have a talk about this then what the hell are you wasting your time with a guy like this for.” She pauses, her expression softening. “Food for thought.”
Bethany nods in agreement. “But it’s important to approach the conversation with honesty and openness,” she adds, and did I mention she’s a psychology major? Who wants to be a family therapist?
Yeah. Totally helpful having her in the house, she’s gotten me out of more funks than I can count.
“Try to find a time when you’re both relaxed and comfortable, and be clear about what you want and need from the relationship.”
“Thanks, Dr. Bethany.” I’m grateful for their advice, but I’m not sure when I’ll have the opportunity to talk with Brodie. It’s not like the dude is asking me on dates and crap. “I’ll definitely keep that in mind.”
Knowing that I had their support gave me the courage I needed to have the difficult conversation with Brodie.
“Speaking of men being impossible to deal with, you guys won’t believe what my Jon did the other day.” Bethany swallows the pizza in her mouth, voice filled with excitement. “He tried to cook dinner for us, but he ended up burning everything to a crisp.”
Jill and I burst into laughter, unable to contain our amusement at the image of Bethany’s helpless boyfriend attempting to navigate the kitchen.
“What was it?”
“Baked chicken and some side dish, couldn’t tell you what. It was incinerated before I could identify anything in the pan.”
“Classic boyfriend move,” I tease, shaking my head in mock disbelief. “Maybe he should stick to Door Delivery next time.”
They order takeout a lot.
Bethany rolls her eyes playfully, a mischievous grin tugging at the corners of her lips. “Hey, at least he tried—A for effort.”
“Did it get him laid at least?”
She nods. “Of course it got him laid. It’s the thought that counts, right? I just hope he doesn’t keep trying to cook.”
Bethany pulls a face.
Jill’s eyes twinkle with amusement as she reaches for another slice of pizza. “But maybe he should consider investing in a fire extinguisher, just in case.”
We erupt into laughter once again. Moments like this are what makes living with Bethany and Jill feel like a never-ending sleepover, a.k.a. the sorority I was never part of.
We may come from different backgrounds and are pursuing different paths in life, but our shared experiences and unwavering support for one another have forged a stronger connection than any friendship.
Squad goals is our tiny trio.
“Hey. Rando thought,” Bethany blurts out. “What if you text Sully for advice? You said he was like, trying to play matchmaker or wingman after your date.” She uses air quotes around the word date. “He’ll probably give you a nudge in one direction or another.”
I nod. “Yeah, I could do that.”
He lost interest in me romantically the second I asked about Brodie on our dinner date; as well as he should have. I clearly was only in it for the free meal. And he was gracious enough not to be a complete dick about it like some guys would be.
After dinner, when I’m back in my room—alone—I take their advice and shoot a note to the other neighbor guy. The one who hasn’t had his face down between my legs, not for his lack of trying…
Lizzy: Hey Sully, you have a second?
Sully: I’m on the toilet, so plenty of time. LOL
Sully: What’s up, gorgeous?
Oh brother. Isn’t he the charmer?
Lizzy: I feel like I might need your advice about something.
Why am I being so passive? I don’t think I need advice. I do need advice. I just don’t want to seem pushy or needy, and UGH, why am I like this?
Sully: Talk to me, Goose.
Goose? Who’s Goose?
Is that some guy code for something?
Lizzy: It’s about Brodie—and I feel weird texting you before I’ve talked to him myself. I just can’t figure out how to talk to him, ha ha.
Sully: I mean, he’s pretty chill, so whatever you need to talk to him about, I’m sure he’d at least listen?
Lizzy: It’s about sex?
Sully: HOLY SHIT, ARE THE TWO OF YOU FUCKING? That fucker, I can’t believe he kept that shit from us.
Lizzy NO, we are NOT having sex. Calm down dude, that is not what this is about.
Sully: Oh. Well you used the word sex in a sentence, what was I supposed to think??? Rude.
Well now this is awkward. How should I phrase this so he doesn’t jump to more conclusions or GOD FORBID, go say something to Brodie?
Fuck my life.
Lizzy: So basically…we’ve hung out a few times. The night you guys went to a movie, he and I walked and had ice cream.
Sully: Yawn
Lizzy: LOL OMG
Why is he like this?
Sully: We give him all that alone time, and he leaves the house to go for ICE CREAM? I have failed him. Big time.
Sully: On behalf of the hockey boys at 592 Clarke Lane, I apologize.
Lizzy: Stop being so dramatic. It was nice.
Sully: Nice? Another dagger to the heart…
Lizzy: ANYWAY, as I was saying—we went for ice cream, went back to your place and fooled around a little.
Sully: Define “fooled around”
Lizzy: Nice try. No. Too personal
Lizzy: So we fooled around and then he came back to my place, fooled around some more.
Sully: THAT’S MY BOY! Now we’re talking.
Sully: So wait. What’s the issue???
Lizzy: Welllllll I guess the “issue” is that I’m trying to figure out if he’s serious about anything or if I’m just being used for sex.
Sully: You said you didn’t have sex.
Lizzy: Wrong choice of words then. I’m trying to figure out if he might be interested in something serious or if he just wants to fool around?
Sully: I mean, Brodie’s a good guy, but he’s not always the best at communicating his intentions. Hence the reason he holes up in his room most of the time; to avoid socializing which includes a healthy dose of communicating.
Lizzy: Yeah, that’s what I’m afraid of. I don’t want to jump to conclusions, but I also don’t want to be na?ve about this.
I also don’t want my heart to get stomped on if I let him worship my body but, at the same time, neglecting my heart and my feelings.
Sully: Look, I”ll be honest with you. Brodie”s definitely a fan of the casual vibe when it comes to dating because he doesn’t do it very often. But I don’t think that necessarily means he”s using you for sex.
Lizzy: Really? But do you think there”s any chance he might want something more eventually?
Sully: I feel like I’m also the wrong person to ask. It’s not like my track record is glowing. I might date lots of people but do you see anyone around that has stuck? No. Not the poster boy for fidelity…
Lizzy: We’re not talking about YOU.
Sully: Let me put it to you this way: when he’s in—he’s in. He’s the most dedicated, committed bastard I’ve ever met. On the other hand, a relationship might not be his priority right now.
That does not make me feel any better.
In fact, it makes me feel worse.
Texting this dude was such a horrible idea. I shouldn’t have listened to my roommates.
Lizzy: So you”re saying I shouldn”t get my hopes up?
Sully: I wouldn”t say that. It’s new. Lower the expectations. If you enjoy spending time with him and things are going well, there”s no harm in seeing where it leads. Just keep your expectations in check and make sure you”re both on the same page.
Lower the expectations.
Have fun.
Spend time with him.
See where it leads.
Got it.
I should write this down…
Lizzy: That makes sense. I just don”t want to end up getting hurt if things don”t turn out the way I’m hoping they will.
Sully: Anytime you need advice or someone to talk to, I”m here for you. Over you, under you. On top, on the bottom.
Oh my GOD. Talk about a guy who has sex on the brain 24/7.
Lizzy: Thanks, Sully.
Sully: No prob. Do I have your permission to get back to shitting now?
Lizzy: LOL OMG
Sully: Is that a yes?
Lizzy: Yes
Closing my phone, Sully”s words had given me some much-needed clarity about my situation with Brodie, but they had also left me with more questions than answers.
Was I willing to take a chance on someone who might not be ready for a serious relationship?
Or was I better off cutting my losses and moving on?
Cutting my losses and not letting him between my legs anymore. Ugh, BUT HE DOES IT SO WELL.
Brodie and his freaking golden, magical tongue.
Brodie, who hasn’t actually tried to have sex with me.
Why though?
Why hasn’t he?
I get that he’s not as assertive and on the shyer side but he hasn’t even tried to dry hump me or anything like that…not even when I was on his lap the other night at his house. I would have fully committed to a lap dance if he’d given any indication that he was down for it.
But he wasn’t.
Which.. is that normal guy behavior?
There is no way he’s waiting for a deeper connection, is there? Is Brodie a sapiosexual? Could that be the case?
I roll this idea around in my brain. Do an internet search on sapiosexual, biting my bottom lip, deep in thought as I stare at the screen on my phone, educating myself about it.
The idea sends a shiver down my spine, filling me with a strange mix of excitement and uncertainty: could it be possible that Brodie was more interested in my mind than my body?
It would certainly explain why he hasn”t made any moves on me yet, despite the fun we’ve been having and the chemistry between us.
I replay our conversations in my mind, searching for clues that would confirm my theory.
Brodie has had no problem engaging in deep, meaningful discussions with me, even if we were doing it while playing a cheesy board game. And was I hallucinating or did his eyes light up with enthusiasm when I told him about the best gift I’ve ever received, my favorite childhood memory, and what I want to do with my life once I’m done with school.
It was as if he was drawn to my intellect, captivated by the way my mind worked?
Or no?
Guh!!!
I pause, listening in the dark for any signs of the squirrel, and continue my reading when I hear nothing but absolute silence.
“Then again, maybe I was just reading too much into things. Maybe Brodie is simply taking things slow?” I muse out loud, which feels absurd, the sound of my own voice for only my squirrel nemesis to hear.
“If he and I start dating,” I shout to the lurker in the wall. “You’re in deep shit!”
What if he’s just respecting my boundaries and waiting for me to make the first move? What if he wants me to say, “Brodie, just go for it? What the hell are you waiting for, stick it in already?”
Real talk: he would die from embarrassment.
As I mull over all the possibilities, I yawn, finally tired.
Can’t help feeling a flutter of excitement in my chest.
And my boobs.
And my vajayjay.
The idea that Brodie might be attracted to me for more than just my looks is both thrilling and terrifying. I mean, think about it! Do you know how rare that is on a college campus?
Brodie is like, a unicorn.
I found me a unicorn.
Convinced that our connection runs deeper than the puddle I earlier imagined it to be, I hunker down beneath my covers, squeezing my eyes shut. Focus on sleeping.
With a newfound sense of confidence that I’ve cracked the code, I drift off to sleep with a satisfied smile on my lips.