38. Brodie
“Could you have been any goddamn louder last night? Jesus dude, I’ve never heard anyone grunt like that. Next time, get a room.” Sully is glaring at me across the benches in the locker room. “Seriously. I’m glad you’re getting laid but I didn’t realize you were such a horn dog.”
Not to brag, but I had sex three times last night and I made Lizzy come at least one of those times.
Beginner’s luck.
Ha ha.
“Next time you want to screw all night, do it when we’re not home.”
“I can’t. You’re always home.”
He turns to me, towel draped over his neck. Points an accusing finger in my direction. “That is a lie and you know it—we gave you privacy twice this week and you squandered it. Why didn’t you bone her the night we went to the movie?”
He’s not wrong but I still don’t give a shit.
I am higher than a kite and it has nothing to do with toking.
“What’s the data backing up your claim that you’re the oldest living virgin college student?” Lizzy’s words pop into my brain and I wonder what Sully would say if I told him the real reason I haven’t been dating the past few years.
I sit staring into my locker.
Adjust myself on the bench.
Telling Sully about my virginity feels like stepping into the lion”s den. He is the epitome of machismo; the kind of guy who usually boasts about his conquests like trophies on a shelf. Until recently, that is. Opening up about my lack of experience has always seemed like an invitation for ridicule and a surefire way to become the butt of his jokes for eternity.
But now I wonder if I should just spit it out.
Sully isn’t just some guy I play hockey with. And he’s not just my roommate. Lizzy trusts him and I trust him with Lizzy so why shouldn’t I say something?
Jeez.
I don’t tell these guys shit and this is the personal crap I decided to spill my guts about?
What the hell is wrong with me, I’m losing my damn mind!
Then again, what if he laughs in my face?
Still, the burden of secrecy weighs heavily on me, a constant reminder that I avoided going out with them socially for a reason, one they weren’t aware of.
“Dude, what’s wrong?”
I look up at him staring down at me.
“What do you mean?”
Sully let’s out a loud sigh. “Are we going to do this again, cause I don’t have time to sit in the hot tub with you for an hour, I have things to do.”
I laugh. “No, we’re not sitting in the hot tub again.”
“Thank god.”
I tilt my head from side to side, loosening my muscles. “Speaking of which. I want to thank you for that—being there for me or whatever.”
My roommate nods. “Sure. Of course. I mean. You’re one of my best friends.”
I am?
This is news to me.
“I, uh. I was in a funk, you know? About Lizzy and I think we figured it out.”
“Banged it out, you mean.” He chuckles, amused at his joke—which is the prefect opening for me to say:
“Yeah. Basically that was the problem.”
“What was the problem?”
I settle both hands on the bench as if bracing myself for a blow.
“Last night I finally told her I’m a virgin.”
“A virgin?”
I wait for the laugh. The mockery. The teasing.
But then,
“What did she say?”
I glance up at Sully incredulously. “That’s it?” My mouth gapes. “That’s all you have to say about it? I just told you I’m a virgin.”
He begins the task of getting dressed, starting with his socks.
“So? Stevens is a virgin—saving himself for marriage or some bullshit.”
Tarek Stevens is a virgin? He’s a player from Canada who stands at six foot five, has a cleft chin, and is three hundred solid pounds of brick shit house.
“And that doesn’t bother you?”
Sully’s whole face scrunches up as he pulls on his joggers. “Dude what are you talking about? It’s none of my fucking business what someone does behind closed doors or who it’s with.”
He looks thoroughly disgusted with me right now and not for the reasons I thought he would be.
Well shit.
I thought he’d be all judgey about it.
Turns out he doesn’t give a flying fuck.
“But thanks for thinking the worst of me.” He clutches his hand to his chest and pretends he’s in pain. Or like he’s taking a giant dump.
Sully stops as he’s about to pull on his hoodie. “Wait. If you’re a virgin why were you so fucking loud last night? Were you jumping on the mattresses?”
“No—I was actually having sex.”
I feel part of the Cool Kids Club for saying it.
I was having sex last night.
Baller.
“So you’re not a virgin?”
“Not since yesterday.”
“Wait. So you’re telling me that you popped your cherry last night?” He still has not put his hoodie on.
“Yes.”
“Congratulations my man!” he shouts, cupping his hands around his mouth like a megaphone. “Brodie isn’t a virgin anymore!”
Shouts go out around the locker room, which I thought was mostly empty, voice echoing from the shower.
“FUCK YEAH HE ISN’T A VIRGIN ANYMORE!” someone yells.
“Who’s not a virgin?” I hear another voice say.
“Wait. It’s 2024 how are there still virgins walking around this earth?”
“Fuck you, DeRosa, don’t mock virgins.”
“Was it necessary to announce that to the entire room?” I grumble to Sully, standing to grab my duffle bag. “Now look what you started.”
My roommate claps a hand on my shoulder, then pulls me in for a hug. “So happy for you, man.”
“Gee, thanks.”
“No, man. I really mean it. If anyone deserves to get their pole waxed three times in one night, it’s you.”
He says the sweetest things.
Lizzy: How was the team meeting this morning?
Brodie: Fuck the team meeting—I got laid last night…
Lizzy: Oh lord—is this going to be your new favorite topic of conversation?
Brodie: YUP.
Brodie: Do you blame me? I’ve been celibate my entire life.
Lizzy: Nope. I’m happy for you, man. Congrats!
Brodie: lol. There is bad news…
Lizzy: How can there be bad news, you came so loud and so many times!!!
Brodie: Uh… my roommates got an earful last night.
Lizzy: THAT IS NOT MY FAULT. I orgasmed like a lady!!! You’re the one who was making a ton of noise.
Brodie: I couldn’t help myself. And besides I’m naturally loud when I’m exercising and working out. Who knew I would be loud when I was fucking.
Lizzy: I’m exhausted and will probably take a nap today…
Brodie: Want to take a nap together?
Lizzy: NO!!!!!
Brodie: Why not?!
Lizzy: Because you’re going to want to have sex and I actually want to take a nap!
Brodie: I mean, if we accidentally have sex, I won’t stop you.
Lizzy: Trust me I won’t be the one trying to have sex…
Brodie: So you’re saying there’s a chance that we’ll have sex??
Lizzy: Is this all you’re going to want to do now? Bang??
Brodie: Hey. The floodgates are open. I’m sure eventually the novelty will wear off…. Eventually.
Lizzy: I mean—I’m not mad about it but my crotch is already so sore
Brodie: Is that a compliment?
Lizzy: Sure. That was a compliment.
Lizzy: Honestly, I have to say—you’re pretty good at it. The sex stuff, I mean, not that I’m surprised since you’re so good at oral.
Brodie: ANOTHER COMPLIMENT?!
Lizzy: Ha. Where’s MINE?!
Brodie: I thought your vagina was the most gorgeous thing I’d ever seen when I was eating you out but having my dick inside of it? Next level.
Lizzy: AWWWWWWW you are SO SWEET 3
Brodie: Being inside you is like being inside of a sweet, hot, the most delicious place in the whole wide world and I never want to leave.
Lizzy: Stop, now you’re making me blush….
Brodie: Also. Was it weird this morning seeing the guys when you were trying to sneak out of the house?
Lizzy: I wasn’t SNEAKING out of the house but I would have loved to have not seen them when I was leaving. Looking Sully in the eye was too much, knowing how damn much noise you were making with all your moaning and groaning.
Brodie: Did my headboard hit the wall or was I imagining it?
Lizzy: Yes, that too.
Brodie: God that is so awesome. I’m a maniac in bed.
Lizzy: OMG listen to you….
Brodie: Everyone WAS listening to me. But hey—next time, let”s try to keep it down. I”d hate for my landlord to evict us for violating the noise ordinance.
Lizzy: Maybe we should invest in some soundproofing... or at least some earmuffs for the neighbors!
Brodie: YOU’RE the neighbors.
Brodie: And it’s not like I haven’t had to listen to them fucking over the past few years. Do you have any idea how many sleepless nights I’ve had, trying to sleep with a pillow over my head when one of them has someone over?
Lizzy: Dozens?
Brodie: Yup. Dozens.
Lizzy: Well WELCOME TO THE CLUB.
Brodie: Hey Lizzy?
Lizzy: Yes?
Brodie: I really fucking like you
Lizzy: I know. And I really fucking like you, too.