14. The Show Must Go On
Newsflash: When you think things can’t get worse, they definitely, definitely can.
I stare down at the phone. It’s been seven hours, and my fingers are cramping up, but I can’t stop myself from scrolling through the hundreds of posts pouring in every few seconds. The reaction to the video is nothing short of epic. I couldn’t look away if I tried, even if all the posts are negative and strike me deeper than my dad’s betrayal ever did.
“Disappears from a multi-million-dollar ceremony on the DAY OF HER WEDDING and is found kissing another man a week after? Talk about a dozen red flags.”
“Lol even her brainwashed fans can’t defend her now. What sort of h*e would do this when her father and her fiancé have been crying on national TV for days, begging her to come home?”
“I don’t know what sort of sex she’s having with this guy, but I sure hope it’s worth losing a career AND a marriage for.”
“Singers are notoriously stupid, but Faye Strummer has to be the most stupid one of them all. Like, seriously, how dumb is this broad?”
“Gotta say, I’m disappointed in X tonight. It’s been HOURS and no one has been able to figure out the identity of the dude she was with. Come on guys, step on it!”
I heave a small sigh of relief at that last comment. It’s as vile as the rest, but it’s a good thing that no one knows who Blake is. The video was shot at an awkward angle, one where Blake’s face was completely hidden. People could have mistaken him for Ben if his blond hair wasn’t sticking out.
Even if this has tripled the negative press about me, Blake being anonymous is the best I could hope for. It means he’s not going to get dragged further into this mess. Blake is well known in the league, and if people figure out he’s the one, his career could be in jeopardy too.
Thinking about that gets my fingers trembling again, and I scroll past that post. The next comments in the feed don’t make me feel any better.
“Look! Faye’s father just posted, ‘I’m no longer talking about my daughter. She’s made her choice.’ Guess he’s as done with her bullshit as we are.”
“Faye just lost 200K followers in a single night. Biggest fall from grace ever.”
“Never known someone to work this hard on building their career only to throw it away like this. The fact that she’s STILL NOT SAYING ANYTHING ABOUT ALL OF THIS MAKES ME SO MAD, I WANT TO SPEW FIRE.”
“Faye, I loved you. We loved you. And we all regret it.”
That last one does it. I shove the phone away, my fingers jerking out of my control. I stare at the smooth surface of Blake’s table, barely even seeing anything.
One thing I know for sure is that my plan to go online and tell the world every single thing that’s happened is not going to work. Even if I tell the truth, the negativity would be so overwhelming that no one’s going to believe me, anyway.
I have to do something else. But I have no idea what.
“Have you had enough?”
I look up to see Blake coming out of the bedroom. He looks freshly showered, wearing a clean set of clothes.
“Yeah,” I admit, pushing the phone farther away from my line of sight. I look up at him, half waiting for an explosion. I brought nothing but chaos into his life since he met me. Surely, he’s at least a little miffed about it.
But Blake merely settles in the seat opposite mine. “People will get over it. Trust me.”
I try not to recall the awful posts I’ve been browsing through. “It doesn’t seem like it.”
“Well, maybe not immediately. I’ve got a friend, Alex, who was in the league. A few years ago, a girl went off on social media about him being a sociopathic playboy. But people moved on eventually. Because there’s always the next scandal to obsess about.”
I scrunch my brows, trying to remember that story. It happened only a few years ago, and it was such big news that even I heard about it—the studio workers were always discussing it. “Didn’t she almost succeed, though? Everyone forgot about it only when he started dating the girl next door.”
Blake’s lips are drawn in a thin line. “Yeah, my sister. They’re happily married now.”
“But you still don’t believe in love.” I hold my breath, feeling a little embarrassed. Does that statement make me sound desperate?
Blake doesn’t seem to notice anything. He shrugs. “I know love exists . . . maybe. My friends seem to think that, anyway. But the fact that I don’t believe it nullifies its existence. In my life, at least.”
Why does that make me feel disappointed? I knew this about him from the very beginning.
I decide to focus on more relevant topics. “Your sister. She’s the one who called you. She recognized you.” A tick of fear tugs at my chest. Is it possible other people recognized him, too?
“Yeah, she did,” he acknowledges. “But Britney and I grew up together. Of course, she’d recognize me. I highly doubt anyone else will. I guess I was worried about my friends figuring it out, but they know how much I . . .”
He tapers off suddenly, so I swallow the ball lodged in my throat and complete his statement before he can. “They know how much you dislike me.”
“Well . . . yes. Before. I like you very much now.” He smirks. “Don’t worry, we should be in the clear.”
“I can’t believe how calm you’re being about all this.” Maybe asking him directly about his change in behavior will help sort out my confused feelings.
Blake shrugs again. “There’s nothing to be upset about. In a few days, this is going to blow over. No one knows it’s me in that video. What we should be concerned about is talking about your next steps.”
We. That comforts me more than it should.
“I’ve got no idea what to do next.”
Blake reaches out and grabs the phone. Then he chucks it across the room toward the living room, where it crashes on the floor and disappears underneath the couch.
“I’ve got an idea.” There’s a tiny gleam in his eyes when he turns back to me. “Damn it all to hell. We shouldn’t stay cooped up here anymore. There’s an open mic night in one of the bars in town. If we sit in a booth, no one will see us. We can get some fresh air, and you can start feeling like yourself again. Then, you can plan your comeback.”
I’m too exhausted to even argue. “Okay.”
It takes twenty minutes for me to shower and get dressed. I put on jeans, a clean shirt and get one of Blake’s baseball caps. Then we hop into his car.
“Didn’t know someone like you would enjoy open mic nights.”
He doesn’t look at me, but his lip twitches. “I’m not a complete caveman. I enjoy music.”
“Yeah, just not my music.”
For the second time, I wonder about sounding pathetic. But Blake gives me a half-smile. “Well, you can’t fault me for that. Our tastes differ. I could stomach your songs if I didn’t think the lyrics were so . . . untrue.”
“Ouch.” I can’t exactly fly into a rage, though, because he’s right.
“Oh, come on. I was scrolling on social media one day, and I heard one of your songs. You know, the one about how hugging him makes you feel whole. I knew you just had to be faking it.”
Today has been one of the worst days of my life but hearing him say that causes a burst of laughter to spill from my lips. Especially when I think of how awkward and weird it always felt, hugging Ben.
“You got me,” I admit. I want to add, it could be true with the right man, but I’m done sounding pathetic and desperate. The last thing I want is for him to get the wrong idea.
“Don’t worry, though,” he says now. “In a few days, you’re going to go back to being the same lovable girl you always have been, and everyone’s going to get high on your songs again. This too shall pass.”
“You sound so sure I almost believe you.”
“Because it’s the truth,” he says. “Trust me. When things got heated for Alex, I was the one who suggested he date my sister until things cooled off. She’s the very image of innocence. Just being around her would be sure to get people off his back. That was my plan, anyway.” His lips are drawn again. “And things really cooled off when they kissed in front of a hundred cameras.”
I turn to him. “You’re kidding.”
“Thought you’d have heard of that part too. I was furious . . . until I realized Brit had been the one to orchestrate the whole thing. And it worked. Their fake relationship repaired his reputation, and suddenly social media loved him again.”
I pause. A plan is forming in my head.
Blake pulls out in front of a downtrodden bar standing alone in front of a thicket of trees. “Here we are.”
I’ve never been to a place like this, and I’m certain people will spot me from a million miles away.
“There are corner booths in the back,” Blake says, reading my thoughts. “Don’t worry. Not a single soul will set their eyes on you.”
I gulp and nod. We get out of the car and Blake leads the way, ignoring the main entrance and slipping in at the side. I follow him and look around. The place is warm and almost completely engulfed in darkness. Only the stage, where a woman is belting out a song, is well lit. Blake immediately picks a spot to the side of the stage. Like he promised, it’s pitch black.
“Feeling better already?” Blake says after I slide in beside him. The hairs on my neck rise, and for a moment, I internalize the fact that we’re in a secluded place in public.
That Blake’s fantasy could come true here.
I try not to focus too hard on that, instead looking at the woman who’s singing a rock song. She goes on and on until I feel a distinct pounding in my head. I turn to Blake, wondering how he could possibly be enjoying this, but his face is covered in shadows. Just when I’m certain I can’t take it anymore, the woman stops, and a moderator comes on stage.
“Well, that was . . . bracing,” he says, as the lights are switched on and the whole room becomes brightly lit. I see immediately why Blake picked this spot—it remains ashy dark over here. “Do we have any other volunteers before we wrap tonight up? Come on, anyone?”
A girl who looks about twenty comes up on stage. The lights flicker off as she starts to talk in a croaky voice. “Hello, everyone. Yeah . . . this song is one that has spoken to me since the first time I heard it and has made me believe there’s someone out there for everyone. Now, I don’t know where mine is or why he’s taking so long,” a polite titter runs through the audience. “but he exists, and just in case he’s right here, this one’s for you.”
She takes a deep, quavering breath and starts to sing.
“In your eyes, I find a truth so bold,
A story untold, in whispers and gold.
You’re the missing piece, my heart’s refrain,
In your embrace, I’m whole again.”
Shame breaks over my skin like welts as Blake stirs beside me. The audience is completely silent, but they could as well be booing and screaming at me, and I wouldn’t feel worse.
This girl, like many others, bought into the fantasy I sold them. One that was nothing other than a lie. And now, even after the social media stink I’ve gotten, she’s still holding on to the truth she believes from my songs.
I’ve never been more embarrassed.
“Told you,” Blake says behind me. “You still got fans.”
I ignore him. For the first time, I’m realizing that I’d rather be widely hated than widely loved for a bunch of lies.
She sings the song to completion, and as she ends to a round of applause, I feel determination overwhelm my shame. I’m tired of skulking in the shadows, of letting the world run with whatever version of the truth they think is right.
It’s time for me to come out.
“That was amazing, but I do have something to say about the song choice,” the MC booms. His words steel my determination even further. “Alright, anyone else? Last call for tonight.”
I stand up.
“What are you doing?” Blake hisses.
Without responding, I walk up to the stage. I’ve done this a million times before in a million different arenas, all of them with a lot more people than this. And yet, as I come out of the shadows and into the light, I feel as though it’s my first time.
Because it’s the first time I’m going to speak my truth.
The moderator eyes me with amusement. “Not another love song,” he groans, and the audience cackles.
I yank Blake’s baseball cap off my head, letting my hair fly free. “Can’t promise anything.”
His jaw drops to the floor. “Faye? FAYE STRUMMER?”
Everyone goes wild. The girl who just sang comes rushing back up, screaming about how she loves me. From the audience, I can hear a mix of boos and jeers, along with some people screaming for dear life. Cameras are flashing in my direction.
I’m completely undeterred. Seizing the mic, I say, “Hi, everyone. I have a song to sing tonight. It’s a new one.”
The place remains in an uproar. I glance over at Blake. His face is mostly hidden in shadow, but I can spot the set of his shoulders and the dark frown on his lips. He’s also standing, probably seconds from marching out of the place. I feel a bite of remorse. I understand why he’s mad.
Still, I know I’ve got to do this.
It takes several minutes to enforce calm, including holding back the people who are trying to run up on the stage. Finally, the bar is almost quiet, and I have a chance to speak.
I take a deep breath and start, “The past few weeks have been about the hardest I’ve faced in all my life. I’m coming slowly out of it, and I’ve got a new song that I’d like to share.”
The place is completely silent now. The MC runs back to the stage, pushing a guitar toward me. I hesitate. Songwriting comes naturally to me, but I did not prepare for this at all. As I start playing the first few chords, I close my eyes for a moment, the song that has been living in my head for the past few days bubbling out.
Have you ever chased a dream, so bright?
Every morning, rising with the light
Striving to make it real, to live your grand scheme
When everything crumbles, you feel the extreme
But hold on tight, it’s not the end
No matter what they say or decree
Dreams may begin in sleep’s serene stream
But beyond them lies a world to redeem
Keep pushing forward, keep believing, never waiver
In the world out there, find your fervent savior
Beyond the dreams that you so tightly clasp
A guiding light awaits, within your grasp.
I’ve never hadan audience listen to me so quietly before. Still, I feel empowered. I repeat the verse, and as I sing, a dam breaks in me and gives rise to the biggest of releases.
For the first time in my life, I’m singing my truth.
And it feels better than I could have ever imagined.
The audience stays silent for a good ten seconds after I finish. And then, just when my euphoria is starting to take a hike downward, a singular applause tears through the silence. And then another. And another. Suddenly, I’m receiving a standing ovation, as even more cameras flash in my direction.
Tears prick my eyes. Not the first time I’ve been shown an overwhelming amount of love, but this is the only time it has ever mattered. The lights come up, and I see the audience, ranging from old to young, with a good smattering of older men. Most of them probably don’t even know who I am, but they like me all the same.
It means more than I could have ever dared to hope for.
I automatically turn around, glancing at Blake. I can see him more clearly now. He’s still on the side, but he’s no longer frowning. Instead, there’s a small smile on his face and a glitter in his eyes that tells me he approves.
Beyond the dreams that you so tightly clasp
A guiding light awaits, within your grasp.
I exhale.It feels impossible, but I’ve got to be honest with myself.
And admit that the last line of my song is mostly about Blake.
The MC comes on stage to give me a hug, smiling obsequiously. I ignore him. I ignore everyone. In this moment, the only person I can pay attention to is Blake.
Giving the guitar back to the MC, I walk away from the stage in my moment of half-blindness. Blake is staring at me, watching me come closer. My heart beats faster with every step I take. Finally, I’m standing in front of him.
“Way to make a comeback,” he says.
Standing on my toes, I kiss him. I didn’t plan to, but nothing has felt as right as that first brush against his lips does. He kisses me back, his arms coming around me.
But then he backs away, his arms falling from my body. He stares at me, his face aghast. I’m confused, but only for a moment.
When I turn around, I can see it. And hear it. People screaming at us with glee, sounding like so much more than the fifty people I can see. Dozens of cameras winking in our direction.
My brain shuts off and collapses.
Blake has done nothing but be outstandingly generous toward me since the moment I fell into his arms.
And I just ruined his life.