25. Bridge to Bliss
It’s a small bar, but I swear my fingers haven’t shaken this much while waiting to be called since the first time I started singing professionally.
“Next up, we have a very special performance. Trust me, folks, you’re going to want to see it. I say that as the biggest idiot in this place tonight. You know, since I mocked this singer the first time she was here.”
It’s the moderator. He turns and gives a wink in the general direction of where I’m standing, clothed by the shadows. I stare down at my trembling fingers. I’m a lot more prepared to sing at this bar tonight. For one, I brought my bodyguards. The people here are shockingly few, and most of them seem bored, but I know the news will spread on social media quickly, and very soon, hundreds of people will storm the place, searching for me. I know that several of my fans kept showing up in this town weeks after I left, hoping to run into me.
I pointed this out to Kevin when I asked for the guards. “You’re still not going to tell me where you are?”
“Nope.”
“Fine. Have it your way.”
I paused for a few seconds. I’d like to kid myself into thinking I was waiting for him to try to argue, but deep down, I know it was more than that. I was waiting for him to say something about Blake. Maybe about Blake potentially reaching out to him. It’s been a week now, and although I discarded my old phone, I was hoping Blake would try to reach me in other ways.
Kevin said nothing. I felt a burst of pain in my chest when I ended the call.
I still feel that pain now, standing in between the two massive men Kevin sent. It’s stupid, because I know I’m finally starting on the road to recovery. Soon—after a few months? Years?—I will let go of Blake. But right now, standing in the bar he brought me to, I can’t help but miss him.
“Faye Strummer, everyone!”
I brace myself for a resounding crash, but it still exceeds my expectations. The former disinterested crowd comes alive, people jumping to their feet and screaming. My bodyguards spring into action, forming a human blockade on both sides as I walk up to the stage on trembling legs. Two teenage girls in the front whip out their phones and start to record.
Good, I think. Make it a livestream. I want as many people as possible to know what I have to say, and as fast as possible.
“Thank you, everyone,” I say, with as broad a smile as I can muster. “I’m so happy to be back here tonight.” Why can’t my damn fingers stop shaking?
“We love you, Faye!” one of the girls screams. I notice she’s no longer recording me. Has she posted a snippet already? If so, I’ve got twenty minutes tops before the bar collapses because of people streaming in.
“Thank you.” I grin at her, and her face goes slack. “I’m here to sing a song. It’s a new one, actually. It’s going to be on my next album.” I make a mental note to apologize to Kevin about saying that last sentence before checking with him. Then I launch into the song.
Had my life in shades of black and white,
Studios dark, my walls all light,
Shuttling back, forth in my confined space,
Trapped in a loop, just a rat in a race.
But you walked in with a spectrum so broad,
Thanks to you, I’m painting colors I adore.
I see the pink in your smile bright,
Yellow warmth in your touch feels right,
Purple intrigue when you pay me mind,
Red in your leave, you’re one of a kind.
All these colors, now I see,
Do you notice them like me?
Hoped you’d see the pink flush on my face,
In your presence, my heart would race.
Waited for a world where you’d feel it too,
But you missed the signs, left me feeling blue.
When you couldn’t see, my world turned gray,
Had to find a way to brighten up my day.
But it’s all the colors that I needed to find,
I’m the artist of my life, no longer blind.
Paint my days with shades of green and blue,
A canvas of my life, vibrant and true.
You sparked the flame, baby, that’s a fact,
You lit the fuse, and now I’m the rocket on track.
I losemyself so deeply into the song that I only realize the tumult I’ve made when I round off with the third verse. The girls are still screaming, and about two dozen more people are now packed in the bar, all of them yelling my name. I pause, almost disappointed.
Did anyone even hear the song?
Doesn’t make a difference, I realize, my fingers shaking again. The song was the easy part. My speech is what I’ve been dreading for the past few days.
“Can I get everyone’s attention, please?”
It takes several minutes and the moderator screaming repeatedly for everyone to finally hush up. More phone cameras are pointed in my direction, and the chatter seems sewn into the foundation of the building. Someone screams, “Where’s Blake? We want Blake!”
Great. Sudden tears start in my eyes, and I’m alarmed as much as I’m terrified. I didn’t think I’d cry talking about this. For a second, I wonder if that’s a sign. Do I just end it and run off backstage?
Then I look into the crowd and see something that stills me.
Thegirl. The one that sang my song at the bar last time before I took the stage. She sang in a croaky voice and declared she was waiting for her one true love. She seemed pure and innocent, but she lit in me a shame I still haven’t gotten rid of.
Unlike other girls her age in the bar, she’s not screaming or recording. She’s merely gazing up at me, arms folded, smiling, her face lit in adoration. Just watching.
There are thousands of girls like her around the world. Girls who got renewed hope in their romantic life because of me. I owe it to them to see this through.
My fingers are steady when I take the mic.
“A few weeks ago, after my stint here, news broke around the world about my relationship to a certain hockey player.” If I let myself say his name, I’m going to lose whatever control I have left. Plus, the chants around the bar of “Blake White” already supply the missing information. “I spoke in interviews about how well we were doing, and cameras followed our relationship. I told the world that he was a respite for me. After a lifetime of not knowing what love was, he came and made me feel it. And you thought that we were in love and happy.”
The bar is dead silent now. I know why. Being this vulnerable about their romantic life isn’t something that stars often do.
“But I lied.”
A silent gasp runs through the crowd. I have eyes for only the girl. Her face registers shock, but also disappointment. I can tell she’s not disappointed in me, though.
She’s disappointed that her fantasy wasn’t real.
“I know I keep messing up, and I’m sorry.” I imagine the millions of viewers tuned in around the world now, watching via livestream. “I’m deeply, deeply sorry. The truth is, I fell in love with him faster than I could say my name. He gave me every single thing I have ever wanted.” My voice breaks. “But still, he did not love me back. He doesn’t believe in relationships. I knew this when we started, and I still fell for him, anyway. He was ready to keep up the public pretense to help me, and I thought I needed it to save my career.”
The bar is still silent. There are several different expressions on their faces, ranging from condemnation to pity. I can’t know what they all feel about me now. I’ll have to push to the bitter end.
“For most of my career, I sang a lie about love. That it’s this perfect magical thing where everything goes right all the time. But that’s not how it works. You can be an amazing person and still never be with your soulmate.”
Is it my imagination, or are they listening more intently now? I catch a glimpse of some movement at the back of the bar. Someone just slipped in, a woman, and she looks oddly familiar.
Could it be?—?
Don’t be stupid, Faye, I chide myself. Finish your speech.
The world is waiting. After tonight, my career will take a definite turn. But I can garner confidence in knowing that even if I’m left with the ashes, I’m going to be rebuilding on absolute truth.
“The good news is that you can find yourself in all this, like I did. Relationships don’t define you. Love doesn’t define you. Having the perfect man or woman in your corner doesn’t mean your life is going to be perfect. You have an identity, and you have a purpose separate from the love of your life. Don’t wait for them. Live your life.”
My shoulders sag as I step back from the mic. The murmuring grows louder. I focus on the young girl. She’s got her eyes fixed on me, her expression blank. Slowly, though, she begins to smile, until it lights up her face.
I smile back. The tears that form in my eyes are those of joy.
I’ve done my job. Finally.
She starts clapping. Some people join in. I wait, wondering if it’s going to turn into full-on applause.
Just then, a louder murmuring starts, followed by multiple people gasping. Soon, the whole bar is screaming. One of my bodyguards moves quickly toward me. I turn around in alarm, wondering if I’m about to get attacked.
But it’s Blake.
Like every time he walks into a room, my body reacts with a tingling sensation.
His hair is glued to his forehead by sweat, and he looks haggard, like he hasn’t slept for days. He’s wearing a pair of jeans and a shirt that tightens around his biceps like a second skin. His blue eyes are lit with a fervor I’ve not seen before.
The mic slips from my fingers in shock. The feedback sends a horrible, grating noise around the room, but I can barely hear it. What’s he doing here? Is this Kevin’s last-ditch effort, sending him in an attempt to save my career? But Kevin isn’t even here. The only other person here is the woman I now realize is Blake’s sister, Britney.
Blake dives and takes the mic before the moderator can get at it. He stares at me for a moment longer, his gaze indecipherable. My heart beats faster, and my knees are weak. What the hell is going on? Then he turns to the audience.
“Hello, guys.” Shock floods my veins. Blake never, ever spoke to the public. What did Kevin ask him to do? Was he paid for it?
The crowd is screaming again. Blake pauses until he can make himself somewhat heard. “All Faye said is true. We were in a fake relationship.”
I narrow my eyes at him. If this was Kevin’s idea of saving my career, he made a huge mistake. I can already see the posts: “Faye went from a sweet girl to the most dramatic and messy popstar on the whole planet. Unfollow and block.”
“And she did confess her love for me, and I turned her down.”
Kevin is never going to find work as a manager again. Ever.
“But . . .”
My heart stills. But? I look up at him as he focuses on the crowd. I glance at Britney, but her eyes are trained on her brother rather than me.
“But I was an idiot.”
The crowd goes wild. My heart is ramming in my chest. I’m desperate for him to keep going.
“Truth is, I faced some pretty severe things in my childhood. Those experiences made me swear off love. It took a week and a lot of brain bashing by my sister, but I can now finally admit it.”
Blake turns to me then, his eyes shining with inexplicable light. “I love you, Faye. More than I ever thought possible. Yeah, romance wasn’t my thing, and I was too much of a brute to realize how my childhood hurt me. Maybe I never would have gone down that dark road if it weren’t for you. But from the moment you barreled into my life in that wedding gown, everything changed. I don’t want to ever live a single moment where you’re not the focal point of it. I admire your message about finding yourself, and I understand why you need to do that. I’m ready to wait as long as it takes. Because I’ve found myself, and now, all I want to do is to hold you again.”
This cannot be happening. I stare at him, blinded with tears, the overpowering noise of the audience deafening my ears. I don’t even know what to say, how to go about a response. Ifthis isn’t a stunt orchestrated by Kevin, how can I let Blake down when he’s saying all I’ve desperately wanted to hear for months? And even if this is a stunt, I can’t embarrass him and reject him publicly. But how can I take him back so brazenly after the message I just preached?
Unbidden, my head turns toward the girl. She’s still on her seat, smiling. There are also tears streaming down her face. Our eyes lock, and I wait with her. I need to know how all of the girls that have been affected by my music feel about this.
She mouths three words to me: Love finds you.
And just like that, I have the answer.
It takes a full hour.For my bodyguards to hustle me backstage, for the moderator to clear out the bar while the crowds chant for me to reply to Blake publicly, for me to get into a car and have the driver evade the tons of cars and paparazzi bikes following us—how the hell did they get here so fast in the first place?
For my heart to stop hammering the way it did when Blake made his speech.
And then finally, I’m standing on top of the wooden bridge that leads to Blake’s cabin, the one he carried me over the day we met. He is standing in front of me, still looking worn down. While he was making his speech, before the uproar started, Britney told my driver about the cabin’s location, telling him of a much longer route that would stop us from being followed. Now my drivers and bodyguards are out of sight, Brit with them. I’m standing in view of the cabin where I started to understand my identity.
And I’m staring at the man who brought me closer to it.
I finally get to ask him the question I’ve been mulling over for the past hour.
“What the hell is happening?” I’m definitely taking the largest hit ever on social media tonight. Hundreds of thousands of people might have unfollowed—or followed—me. I could be canceled for real, and forever. Kevin’s career might be nothing again. My father could emerge victorious.
But I don’t care about that. All I care about is knowing that I’ve reached that one girl tonight. Several others like her all around the world could have also been touched. Every decision I make from now will go a long way toward helping them figure themselves out.
Blake’s eyes meet mine. The honesty in them is Earth-shattering.
A part of me was still holding on to the idea that he was sent by Kevin. Letting go of that idea makes my stomach knot a million different times.
“You . . . you love me?” Those are the words I never thought I’d hear from Blake.
“More than I love myself.” Stepping forward, he wraps his arm around my waist. I sink into it automatically, unable to draw myself away. “I was a jerk. But you’ve entranced me from the moment I met you, Faye. Even that night, while I carried you over the bridge, a part of me knew I never wanted to be without you. I’m sorry it took me a week of not hearing from you to realize it. But I’m never letting you go again.”
Tears start in my eyes. Crying three times in one night feels silly, but I can’t help it.
Blake loves me. Even if you choose to find yourself, the perfect love can find you.
The girl was right.
I realize then that even if the world disagrees with me coming together with Blake an hour after I decided to let go, it doesn’t matter. Becoming my own person means making decisions based on what I feel is right. It’s not anyone else’s choice. It’s mine.
And I’m damn well going to choose my love.
I bring my lips up to his. Blake growls as he kisses me back. He hardens against me instantly, and I moan, fully collapsing against him.
“Fuck it, Faye.” He’s slipping underneath my dress, his fingers probing my lips apart as he fingers me. “You have no idea how much I missed you.”
“My guards . . .” I want him to, but getting banged within earshot of his sister and my employees doesn’t exactly sit right with me.
“They can hear how much I want you.” He’s shoving his pants down, pulling my legs apart. “I’m going to have you all night. But if I’m not inside you right now, I’m going to die. I mean it.”
I search his eyes. He does mean it. Almost as much as my body, which is already clamoring for him, does.
A smile forms on my face as I throw my arms around him. “Then show me just how much you missed me.”
“Is that a challenge?” His blue eyes turn indigo, and I recall all the moments I challenged him in the cabin and lost horribly.
“Yes.” I match my gaze with his. Joy explodes in the inner recesses of my being. I like to think that I could have moved on from Blake and found contentment with another person in the future.
But no one would ever make me feel the way Blake does. I’m sure of it. He’s the one for me.
As he pushes himself inside me and I let out a scream that reverberates through the woods, a realization sinks into me.
I’m always going to lose as far as challenges with Blake go.
But I’m always going to enjoy it, too.