4. Candice
Chapter 4
S unny curls up in my lap, coughs a few times, and starts purring his loud old man purr. By the time he was six months old he would barely fit in my lap. Now he only ever tries to snuggle this close when he’s stressed, so I know he isn’t feeling well. I stroke down his back, and talk quietly to him, assuring him he will get a whole can of soft food when we get home, and some catnip for putting up with this ordeal so well, reminding him that he is a good kitty and I love him. Every word feels like not enough and the twisting in my stomach gets tighter until I feel like I’m the one who’s going to be sick this time.
What’s taking them so long? I mean, how hard can it be to look at an image of a cat's intestines and see that he ate something that got stuck–I know I’m oversimplifying things, but the longer it takes the more worried I get. I can feel myself starting to spiral again, my breath coming in short bursts, my eyes squeeze shut. Until a paw lands on my nose.
I open my eyes, tears finally slipping free down both cheeks, Sunny is sitting up, he has booped me on the nose, and is slowly dragging the pointy tips of his nails down my face–not enough to break the skin, but I know I am going to have a few red stripes for a bit. I lift him under his front legs, bringing him up and draping his front half over my shoulder for a kitty hug. Turning my head to bury my face in his fluffy side, maybe I can pass off my crying as allergies when Dr. Hottie comes back, and it turns out to be nothing.
I don’t know how much time passes, I feel like I almost fell asleep when I hear the door open. I raise my still red eyes to see Maggie and Dr. Marklon come in. Dr. Stephanie Marklon has been my friend since middle school. She wanted to be a vet for as long as I can remember, and I’m super happy for her that she was able to make it. I know she’s worked hard to be able to buy into the practice so soon after graduating. I see her sometimes when I bring Sunny and Iggy in for check-ups, but we’ve been with Dr. Harring for so long, I didn’t want to upset anyone by asking for a new Doctor. Still it’s nice to see her, as she comes over and gives me a big hug, straining around the giant cat still draped over my shoulder.
“Hi, Candice, how are you doing? It’s been awhile, huh?” She pulls back, her brows furrowed, looking between my face and the orange fluff draped over my shoulder like a long fluffy shawl. It has been awhile, I haven’t seen her since shortly after my designation came in. She was headed off to college, and I was just…stuck. Omegas can’t go to public colleges.
My hand goes up automatically to keep stroking Sunny’s back. “Yeah, no, I’m good.” I try to force a smile. “Well, ya’ know, I mean, I have my cat here , I’m worried about him. But if you can tell me what he ate, and how we can get him feeling better, I’ll be glad to get out of your exam room. I know you guys stay pretty busy.” I’m trying not to let my voice crack, but I can feel something wrong. Sunny chooses that moment to start coughing again, and I wrap my hand around him to keep him from sliding down into the floor.
“Oh, Candy.” Stephanie looks like she is about to cry too. “He didn’t eat anything, sweety. We need to talk.”
It feels like the world just cracked open. Has there ever been a conversation that ended well if it starts out with “we need to talk?” I can’t remember one.
The knot in my stomach tightens further and I am glad I haven’t eaten recently. I’m also relieved that I’m still sitting down because suddenly I can’t feel my legs. Stephanie comes and sits beside me on the bench, reaching out to run her hand down Sunny’s back. “Sunny is pretty old now. I remember you told me you got him when you moved in with your grandpa. He’s been a grump for as long as you’ve had him, right? Even as a kitten?”
Her hand strokes down Sunny’s back, raising up enough not to brush against mine–she knows I don’t handle touch well–before continuing along his spine. She gives him a few more pets before switching to his favorite chin scratches, and I’m surprised she still remembers how much he loves those.
“Candy, it seems Sunny has fluid build-up around his heart. While we can try to drain some of it, he is eighteen, and sometimes...well, the body just decides it’s done.”
I stare at my once close friend, not hating her so much, but wanting to deny the words coming out of her mouth. The pity in her eyes and the undeniable truth in her tone has me wanting to pack my cat back up in his carrier and take him home, where we can pretend this never happened. He’ll be fine, once I get him home.
I must look pretty blank, because Stephanie puts her hand on my wrist that’s draped over Sunny, holding him in place. “I am so sorry , Candice. We can try to alleviate some of the pressure, but you'll probably be back here in a month or less. Your options now are to try to do that, or let him rest. We can give you a few minutes to think about it. Do you want me to stay while you make a decision? I’m here for whatever you need.”
The words feel like useless platitudes. We were friends through high school, but we haven’t really talked since graduation. I know it’s as much my fault as hers that we grew apart, but with everything that’s happening, I just can’t think right now. My mind races, slamming into walls in a frantic scramble trying to decide what’s best. Of course I want to try to keep him as long as possible, of course just one more day would be good–anything. But, if he’s uncomfortable–or worse, in actual pain–that is not fair to him. I rub the side of my face against him again, feeling the vibrations of his purr. Hell, I’m not even sure how I would afford to bring him back in a month. I don’t want to make it about money. It isn’t really, but my mind is a mess right now and the floodgates have opened on all my anxiety.
“I think…” I swallow thickly, my tongue feeling too big for my mouth. “How, um, how would that work? I mean, I want to be here for him, I want this to be as easy as possible for him.”
Sunny lets out a loud yowl, and I loosen my grip on his fur, realizing I must have been holding him progressively tighter as we talked.
“Well, I would bring in a shot, and it would just make him sleep. Ideally, you would stay in here with him until it takes full effect. He won’t know what’s going on other than you being with him as he goes under. Then we’ll take him to the back and give him another shot to stop his heart. It won’t hurt him; he won’t feel anything after that first shot, other than you.”
Stephanie's hand rubs up and down my arm. I know she’s trying to offer comfort, but I just want to lash out at her for talking to me, for suggesting all of this, for touching me when I don’t want anyone touching me except my cat, and now I am about to lose that forever. I can feel more tears flowing down my face, a steady stream instead of a few solitary escapees. Knowing what you need to do never makes it any easier. “Yeah, ok, yeah…” I trail off; I can’t even find the words right now. Stephanie squeezes my arm, and nods. “Ok, Candice, I’ll be right back with the injection ok? I am sorry, but I have to hear you say the words now, I can’t do this without you. ”
She’s really making me tell them to kill my cat? What the actual fuck. Misery flashes to rage and back again in quick succession. “Yes, please. I don’t want him to hurt anymore.” Stephanie leaves the room, leaving Maggie still standing by the door, looking near tears herself. She opens her mouth, then closes it again, probably wanting to say something, but knowing anything would be useless right now. I look at her, raising my lips and nodding, not really a smile, just trying to let her know that I know she hurts for me, but neither of us can talk right now.
It takes a few minutes for Stephanie to return with a capped syringe. The logical and still functioning part of my brain assumes they keep things like this under lock and key for safety. She’s wearing purple nitrile gloves, and carrying a blanket over one arm. Maggie takes the blanket and lays it out on the exam table. “Can you put him on the table, please? It'll be more comfortable for him.” I manage to get my legs working. Then I reach up to detangle his claws from the back of my sweater and lift him up enough to be able to lay him down on the blanket. Maggie squeezes my fingers that are holding onto his fur before putting her own hand gently on his shoulder, holding him enough so he can’t jerk when the needle goes in, but comforting us both.
Irrationally, I want to hate these people for taking my friend, but I know it is not their fault. The needle goes in and, while I feel Sunny’s fur twitch beneath my fingers, Stephanie is good at her job and he barely seems to notice it. “We’ll be back in a few minutes, but just open this door and call out if you need me.” I barely acknowledge them, so intent on my friend, feeling his purr vibrating through my fingers for the last time as he closes his eyes.
Sometime later Maggie comes back in and picks Sunny up, blanket and all, and leaves the room. I notice her eyes are red too, but I feel too detached to say anything. I hear the catch in her voice. “The doctor will be back in a few minutes to finalize everything, and then we’ll get you out of here. I am so sorry .” The door closes and my legs unhinge, dumping me back onto the bench, as I try to hold back the sobs wracking my body.