32. Candice
Chapter 32
I wake up with Jacks’ hand stroking my hair.
“Hey, Little Lion, you ready for some dinner?” he says, kissing me on the forehead.
Ugh, the pre-heat exhaustion is hitting harder than normal, and I wonder if it’s because I’m around so many alphas–as opposed to my usual solitary existence. Whatever it is, it’s kicking my ass, hard.
I lean into Jacks’ warm hand, just enjoying how good it feels to touch him, before stretching my back and arms, trying to get my back to pop. I’ve been so used to sitting at a desk for most of the day and having scheduled times to make myself get up and move around that it’s harder to acclimate to not being on a schedule. Add in the extra hours I’m sleeping this week, and I feel stiff and uncomfortable in my own skin .
“So, do you prefer steamed or fried rice?” Normally conversations with Jacks flow pretty easily from one topic to another, so this random question stops me short and I actually have to think about it.
“Um…probably steamed, it kind of depends on how it’s cooked, I guess. I’ve had some really good fried rice, but it can be kind of heavy and greasy at times.”
“Fair enough.” He says, taking my hands and pulling me up from the bed. “I made steamed, but I ordered 2 cartons of fried, and I know that’s the go to for Gabe and Xan, but there should still be plenty…or they can just not have any if you want it all.” He smiles at me, tugging me against his chest. He has been really clingy since we woke up this morning, and I don’t hate it.
We had a long talk while the guys were all gone. He said Xan has been miserable since last night, and he finally left their bedroom when he wouldn’t stop tossing and turning. But if he had known how upset I was, he would have been here sooner. I don’t give a shit what the others say about him being normal, at least he can talk to me about feelings, and make sure I understand instead of just accusing me of things.
He told me they weren’t trying to accuse me of anything, and that they pretty much all have the emotional intelligence of a rock. He asked that I give them another chance–at least to explain themselves better. But also, that he is mine, for as long as I’ll have him, and they can all fuck off if they don’t apologize properly .
The irony of his threatening to leave them–because of how they think I might react to him–is not lost on me. In truth, I don’t want to go anywhere, I like being with these alphas. Not just for sex, though that is so much more than I ever could have imagined, but just being around them.
When we're together, I don’t feel as anxious–and while my depression can rear its ugly head at any time, I’m hoping it will also improve with soothing interaction. I love Iggy, but she is not great for holding a conversation. And I miss Sunny, even his horrible cat breath yawns.
If I start down this path there will be a lot of tears, so it's better to stop now. I don’t want to be weepy when I have to deal with the rest of the pack, I need to have my head on straight and my mind open. I want Jacks, and if he happens to come with some emotionally constipated packmates, well, we need to work on that.
Still in my pajamas, I go downstairs. Jacks is setting out food, some of it on serving platters, other items still in the takeout foam. I haven’t had Chinese in a few years; it’s always hard to order for just one person.
After he’s done, he leads me over to the head of the table–Gabe’s usual spot–and insists I sit there, sitting himself beside me. I hate being in the spotlight, and it feels even more awkward a few minutes later when Gabe comes downstairs in his pajama pants and tank top. He stares at me for a minute before moving one of the other chairs to the opposite end of the table. But of course, Jacks put all the food at our end, just out of reach of Gabe’s new spot.
I don’t want to be a part of whatever power play is going on here, so I try to leave, but Jacks just puts his hand on my shoulder, gently, but firmly keeping me in my chair, and glaring at Gabe. The two alphas are still locked in a battle of wills when Xan and then Leo come downstairs and join us at the table--Leo on my left side, and Xan beside Jacks.
No one reaches for food, no one moves, no one says anything, other than Gabe’s grumbling. He never even looks at me, just staring intently at Jacks. After a few minutes of uncomfortable silence Jacks breaks eye contact, fills a plate for me, and sits it in front of me, prompting Xan and Leo to fill their own plates.
Leo looks longingly at all of the crab rangoons that Jacks has piled on my plate…I don’t want the damned things…whoever thought cream cheese and crab was a great taste sensation clearly had defective taste buds, but Jacks loads me down and I have to wonder if this is supposed to be a punishment for me or the alphas.
I eat a few bites of the steamed rice and choke down a piece of sweet and sour chicken, before Gabe gets up, glaring at Jacks, and moves to Leo’s other side. Leo is stealing glances at my plate as he finishes off a giant pile of steamed rice, two servings of General Tso’s Chicken, and three spring rolls. He continues staring at my plate while reaching for the container with the orange chicken. I sigh, not really feeling up to eating with all this tension, and push my plate towards him .
“I don’t really like those, I mean, I can eat ‘em, but you are more than welcome to them if you like.”
He reaches over, taking all six off my plate. I am not sure how Jacks thought I could eat that many anyway. Leo offers one to Xan, who shakes his head, and then puts two on Gabe’s plate before crunching down on the rest himself.
“Sorry.” He mumbles after he bolts down the first two. “When I was little, my mom used to make these each year for my birthday, they’re one of my favorites, and the Jade Dragon has a recipe that’s very similar to hers. Sorry.” He dips another one in sweet and sour sauce before taking the whole thing in one bite.
I turn to glare at Jacks, “So, are you trying to make me uncomfortable, or is that just a bonus to whatever the fuck you’re doing to them?” Jacks at least has the wherewithal to look sheepish.
“I just need them to understand that you are the most important. You come before Gabe, or Leo, or even Xan….sorry you know I love you.” He adds the last part, leaning back in his chair and looking at this bonded mate.
“Nah, man, I get it,” Xan says, rubbing his shoulder. ”Just next time try not to give Leo an aneurysm, ok?” He kisses Jacks on the cheek and goes back to eating.
Gabe wipes his mouth and then lays his napkin beside his plate. “Ok. So I guess we’re doin' this now then?”
He looks between me and Jacks a few times. “Listen, we suck, alright. None of us can talk about emotions for shit, ok? I admit, I should have handled that better, but I think there was some confusion on who was supposed to be the best one to actually express our feelings…and then we all did a fucking lousy job.”
He pushes his chair back and starts to stand up before giving up and sitting down again, elbows on the table and head in hands.
“OK, let’s try this again. We care about you, a lot…all of us. We want to bond you and want you to be part of this pack if you want the same thing. But, we also want you to come into it fully informed that we all have problems, we’re not perfect, and it’s not just Jacks. Leo left a few parts out that don’t paint him in the best light, and I am sure you’ve probably guessed a few things from what Xan added that we are all sort of fucked up. But, we want you; we want you to stay with us. But only if you want to, and before you can make an informed decision, you needed all the information, or at least the important parts.” He trails off, his head still in his hands, staring intently at the table.
I stand up and walk over to him, draping over his back and hugging him from behind.
“Ok then, fair’s fair. You guys finish eating, and I am gonna go get cleaned up. When I get back we can talk some more.” I turn to Jacks, “Was this really necessary? Save me some of the sweet and sour chicken, and General Tso’s, unless Leo already ate it all.”
Leo looks abashed as he stares down at his plate. And I head upstairs to get a hot shower and think about how to explain the three weeks I lost when I was nine, and how I went to live with Grandpa.
U p until I was nine, I lived with my mom and dads, two alphas and a beta. I don’t know if I ever knew which one I was biologically related to, they were all just dad. We were heading home from visiting Grandpa, he was Mom’s dad. The last one, Grandma had passed away when I was four, so I don’t remember much about her, but my Grandpas were dying out as well. It’s hard to keep a pack together after they lose their omega.
I don’t remember much. I had been playing with Mom and Grandpa and was super tired; I think I fell asleep in the car.
Arms tighten around me, mom and gray-eyed dad holding me tightly in the back seat, a loud scream and the arms squeeze so tight I can’t breathe. A flash of light and everything slams forward, a jarring pain, then nothing.
Loud beeping wakes me up, and I squint through sore eyes. I don’t know this room, with its scratchy white sheets. The air smells funny and burns my nose. My left arm burns like it is on fire, but when I reach over to touch it wires and tubes that are wrapped around my scrawny right wrist pull tight. Needles stuck in the back of my hands, taped in place. Where is everybody? I can’t see or smell Mom or Dads.
I startle fully alert, panic constricting my lungs. The door opens and finally, I see a familiar face. Grandpa, the one we were just visiting. He crosses the room on shuffling steps, he looks older than he did a couple of hours ago.
Has it only been a couple of hours?
My head hurts.
I want to go home.
Where are my parents?
“Hey, little bit, looks like you’re gonna be staying with me for a while. That ok?”
I don’t want to stay with him, I want to go home.
I stare at him, my throat too dry to offer any more reply than a frog croak. He hands me a cup of water and a straw and I take several small pulls, the cold water stinging my mouth.
“What about mom, I want to go home with them.” Grandpa’s shoulders start to shake and his head drops. A tear hits the white blanket, a startling spot on the otherwise blank white fabric.
“Yeah, little bit, they can’t come home with us. Your mom and dads are gonna go stay with Grandma.” He chokes on the last bit. “It’s just us now, but we can do this, right, girly?”
I remember vaguely that he calls Mom that sometimes. I nod limply, not sure what other response I can give. I feel like my mind is spiraling out of control and I want to shut it off, to go back to sleep.
I burst into tears, and Grandpa finally hugs me, crying quietly along beside my braying sobs.
After several minutes, he pulls away, unsure how to comfort me further. I love Grandpa, and we visit at least once a month, but this isn’t the same. I’m still sniffling when the nurse returns. She talks quietly to him, but I don’t care to listen to what they’re saying. None of it matters, not really.
She finally makes her way over to me and tells me I’ll feel better when I wake up. She puts a needle into one of the tubes plugged into the back of my hand, and my eyes are too heavy to keep open. Everything goes black.
S ix days later I’m finally out of the hospital, cast on my arm, head fine other than a big bump. Grandpa says we have to go home, which finally pulls a smile from me. I miss home.
Maybe mom and dads are there, says a small dark voice in the back of my mind. I know it’s lying. If they were there, if they were ok, they would be with me now. But still, a part of me hopes. Grandpa gets me checked out of the hospital and we make our way out to his old station wagon in the parking lot, so he can drive us home. I always thought his car was silly, with funny wooden panels down the sides, but it doesn’t even draw out a smile now .
I’m not sure how long the trip lasts, I don’t know how far away the hospital is, just that the tiny voice keeps whispering louder that everything will be ok when we get home, everything will be just like it was. Part of me wants to believe it so much, that when we finally get to the house, my tiny hope dies at the moving van and large men moving our furniture out into it.
“Grampa? What are they doing?” I look over at the old man, my only family left.
“I am sorry, Little Bit, but without your parents here…well, we can’t keep their house and ours. Mine is all paid off. So, this one is gonna get sold. But these nice men are making sure all your parent’s stuff is kept safe. We’re gonna get them to help us load up your important things, and…and…” he trails off, his eyes brimming with tears again. Does he miss Mom too?
Suddenly he slaps his thigh, “You know, after this, we’re gonna go to the shelter, every little girl needs a kitten, right?” The change in subject seems abrupt but has the desired effect of distracting me.
“I’ve never had a kitten, do I get to pick her out?”
“Of course, she’s gonna be your friend, it is only right you should pick her out. Now, stay sittin’ right here for a few minutes while I go and talk to these nice men. Think about what kind of kitten you might want, and what you might want to name her. I’ll be back in a bit, and then we can go.”
I tried to think of good names, but I was still exhausted from what had happened. The next thing I know I feel the car dip as the men Grandpa told me about started putting boxes in the back. When they finished, Grandpa was true to his word…we went to the shelter and I got a kitten, and then we took him to my new home.
A fter my shower, I come downstairs and snuggle up on the couch with the guys to tell them about my parents, but even after all these years, it still hurts to talk about it. So I curl into Gabe’s chest. His arms around me chase away the cold feeling of being abandoned.
“Mom and two of my dads died in the crash. The third was in the ICU for four days, but he was gone before I woke up the first time.” Gabe squeezes me tighter, Xan on one side rubbing his hands up my arm, Leo on the other braiding small sections of my hair. Jacks is sitting on the floor, between my feet, purring and nuzzling against my shin.
“I know my parents didn’t leave on purpose, I know it’s not what they wanted. I know Grandpa loved me…but by then his own pack and mate were gone. He had been ready to go himself. But after Mom and Dads died, he had to stay to take care of me. I don’t think he resented me, per se, but sometimes it felt like he was just killing time.”
“By the time Grandpa was diagnosed with cancer, I was about to graduate college. He told me he worried about me being alone, but I knew he was past ready. Less than six months after I had my degree he was gone--just about three years now. He had done what he could to keep me from getting stuck in an omega sanctuary, even though he told me outright I should register on my own so I would be safe.”
Gabe rocks back and forth, as best he can with a couch full of alphas, pulling my legs up and turning me sideways to tuck me under his chin. Jacks looks irritated at first, but then leans in closer to keep touching me, wedging himself between Gabe’s knees. Gabe grumbles but doesn’t try to move him away, just rubs his chin on the top of my head, his stubble catching strands of my still-damp hair. I am so going to need to use a heavy conditioner if this is going to be the norm here.
I want to stay here, safe and warm, but I can’t stop my mind or my mouth, and I babble nervously. “So, yeah…just…the way you guys sounded last night, like you thought I would leave just because Jacks has some problems. It kind of felt like you were trying to get rid of me.” I’m suddenly surrounded by low rumbly growls instead of purrs. “No, I mean…I hear you say that you don’t want to…but sometimes it feels like everyone either leaves or can’t wait for me to leave. And I know…deep down, I know…that isn’t logical. But the logical part of my mind rarely syncs up with the part that gets anxious.”
I give a small self-depreciating laugh. “Like, logically, I know the chances of someone finding out who I am online and then trying to bond me against my will are super low, I’ve taken every precaution I can.” The growls surrounding me are louder and angrier now. “But, the anxiety part of my brain is always on high alert that somehow something slipped, I trusted somebody I shouldn’t, or something…and now the person who slashed my tires and broke my car, and broke into my house is a creepy stalker or some shit and wants to kill me. But logically, I know that the chances of that are super slim.” Another shaky laugh.
“So, yeah, I didn’t mean to freak out. I’m just not used to people wanting me around…or at least not for a good reason. Sorry.” I lean into Gabe, and his growl changes like a switch was flipped, back to his rumbly purr.
The man sounds like a fucking motorcycle–which I guess is appropriate considering he works with engines all day. I’m still so tired, and the vibrations are so relaxing. Before I know what is going on, my eyes are drifting closed. I wake up briefly with my face pressed against Gabe’s bare chest, and Xan cuddled against my back. Feeling safe and warm I quickly fall back asleep.