Ch. 39 – Jax
S unlight cut cruelly through the windows in the morning as Jax lay on the couch, cocooned in the ratty quilt Mom Jeannie had made for her as a baby. She stared at the wall above the television and listened to the birds trill outside. When she turned her head, she could see a rich blue sky through the slits in the blinds. It wasn’t fair that today was so gorgeous. The sky should be gray, filled with ominous black clouds. The wind should be howling with fury. Lightning and thunder should shake the world.
But instead, the birds chirped and sunlight dappled across the floor of the apartment. Styles lay curled in the shallow bowl of Jax’s hip. The kitten had joined her vigil soon after she’d returned to the apartment. He’d offered her a silent solace throughout the night as she’d shivered and slow tears had crawled down her face.
Now, Jax’s tears had dried, and her eyes felt swollen and painful.
A bedroom door slammed open, and Haley rushed into the living room, still tugging on a polka-dotted tank that hung a few inches above her acid-washed jean shorts.
“We’re sooooo late for work. Why didn’t you knock on my door?” Haley turned and spotted Jax on the couch. “Styles! There you are, you little traitor.” She finally noticed Jax and frowned. “OMG, you look like shit. What happened?”
Jax curled tighter beneath her blanket.
“Oh, honey.” Haley dropped onto the couch and swept Jax’s hair off her face with cool fingers. Jax closed her eyes. “You went over to Rico’s last night, right? Did he hurt you? ’Cause if he did, I’ll knife him in the kidneys.”
Jax shook her head. Her voice creaked when she spoke. “He was fine. No. Great. He was great. We, uh . . . slept together.”
“Uh-oh. Was his penis weird? Is that it? Was it . . .” Haley bent her index finger.
A short, choppy laugh escaped Jax’s throat. “No, his penis was perfect. He was perfect. Oh, Haley, it was so good. He’s so beautiful and he was gentle.”
Haley squealed and clapped her hands. “I knew it! I could tell he had a good penis just from looking at him. I’m so jelly.” She separated a few tangles of Jax’s hair and began to braid them. “So, what’s the problem? Did he want to do some kinky stuff?”
Jax shifted under the blanket. Her breasts moved loosely under her shirt . . . which, she’d discovered on a trip to the bathroom, was actually Rico’s shirt. It even smelled like him. And didn’t that just make her eyes ache even more.
“I woke up in the middle of the night,” she told Haley. “I touched him, and he . . . wanted to go again.”
“And?” Haley’s fingers moved, tightening the small braid.
Jax wanted to hide her face in the quilt. “And I freaked out. I couldn’t breathe. I was so scared. So, I, um, left.”
“Oh, girl.” Haley stretched out on top of Jax, tangling her cold feet with Jax’s feet. Their faces nearly touched. “What happened? ”
“I don’t know,” Jax murmured. “I just got scared.” She let out a breath. “The incident.”
Haley lay her forehead against Jax’s cheek. “Babe, seriously, that again? You’ve got to get over it.”
“I know.” What else could Jax say? She’d been trying to ‘get over’ the incident for three years. It’d almost ruined her life.
Haley squeezed Jax in her thin arms. “Seriously, the incident wasn’t a big deal, Jax. I promise. Men do that thing all the time. You know they can’t control their dicks, especially when they’re drunk. I’ve had that happen to me, like, a dozen times, practically. You just take it and go back to sleep. No. Big. Deal.”
Haley was right. So why couldn’t Jax move on? Why had the incident filled her with a smothering darkness? Why had she been so profoundly changed? Trapped in suffering for so long?
Because you’re weak, her brain offered immediately.
Haley sat up. “Was Rico pissed?”
Jax closed her eyes. Tears threatened again. “No. I think he was . . . confused.” She cringed. “I screamed at him. I think I shoved him.”
“Shiiiiit. He probably thinks you’re Looney Tunes.” Haley patted Jax’s hip. “Maybe you can tell him you were on your period.”
Of course Rico must think she was crazy. He probably never wanted to talk to her again. He’d already called twice, most likely to inform her that he’d changed his locks. Even the thought of hearing his voice in her voicemails made Jax want to vomit. He’d been so sweet. Their night together had been pure magic.
And she’d ruined it. She’d ruined everything.
“Want me to tell Theo you’re sick today?” Haley asked.
“Yeah.” No way could Jax even think about going to work and slinging drinks for happy couples .
“I’ll tell him you’re having really bad period cramps.” Haley hopped off the couch. “Oh, wait. I’ve used that one a million times on him. How about constipation? You know, to sell the story a little more.”
“I don’t care,” Jax moaned from beneath the quilt.
“I’ll make you some cereal before I go,” her roommate offered.
“Thanks.” Jax slowly reached out. Her fingers stroked Styles’s soft, spotted fur. The kitten stretched as a purr rumbled from his throat.
“Oh! Ew!” Haley squawked from the kitchen. “Styles, you fucker!”
The kitten leapt off the couch and skittered into Jax’s room.
“He puked on the floor. Stupid cat.” Haley stomped out of the kitchen, two bowls of cereal in her hands. “Hey, Jax, since you’re not working today and I’m already running insanely late, could you clean it up?”
Jax pulled herself into a sitting position. From her vantage point, she could see the mustard-color vomit on the kitchen floor. Two feet away, a pile of dry food sat in the kitten’s bowl.
“He probably over-ate,” she said. “You shouldn’t free feed him. It’s healthier to do scheduled feedings.”
“Uh, Jax.” Haley handed the cereal bowl at her a little roughly. “Thanks for the advice and all, but I think I know how to take care of my own cat.”
“Sorry,” Jax mumbled.
After a frantic two minutes of shoveling cereal into her mouth, Haley rushed out of the apartment, leaving the cabinet door open, the cereal box on the counter, and her half-eaten bowl in the sink. Jax immediately set her own bowl of cereal down on the coffee table untouched.
Instead, she collapsed back onto the couch, content to wallow in her misery .
“I’ve lost him,” she whispered to herself. The thought cleaved through her heart, the pain so sharp, she groaned and pulled the quilt over her head. But that only made things worse.
Beneath the blanket, the scent of Rico’s shirt filled her nostrils. Jax was drowning in the man she’d pushed away forever.