Chapter 20
TWENTY
COLLETTE
Never in my life had I ever gone from such a low to such a high in a matter of seconds. Every step I made toward the studio had my heart pumping and my chest feeling as if it would burst.
I had clung to Olivia, depending on her strength to guide me from the school section into the dance studio. And up until the point where we’d stood in front of the doors, I’d wanted to run. I’d wanted to leave and never look back.
But then I heard his music.
Ethan’s music. It was faint and muffled, but I heard it. And all of my fear, everything that was keeping me from dancing—from being me—faded away.
There was nowhere else I wanted to be other than right here, dancing to his music.
I could feel his eyes on me as I leapt around the stage. He never took his gaze away from me as his fingers strummed the cords. The way he stood there, his concentration trained on me was both exhilarating and terrifying at the same time.
I knew he could see my flaws. I knew he was aware that I wasn’t perfect. That I was never going to be perfect. And yet, I could feel his love for me in the way his lips tipped up into a smile. Or the way when he caught my eye, he winked in a sexy yet supportive way.
He had a way of taking all of my fears away. He saw in me something that I’d only begun to admit was even there.
He was my strength where I was weak.
Dancing to his music was something I was born to do.
I was fully and completely smitten with the man standing in the middle of the stage taking risks so that I could learn to be my better self. So I could be the person that he knew I was.
The final chords hung in the air as I extended out my leg and arm and held the final pose. I waited, the silence in the room deafening. I kept my gaze up, terrified that if I looked out to the crowd, I’d see the scouts’ disgusted expressions.
Or worse, the disappointed look in my mother’s gaze.
I wasn’t sure how I was going to face her.
That was the cruel thing about dancing. While you’re doing it, you’re untouchable. Nothing in the world matters but the feel of the floor from your toes and the air around you as you leap through it.
But once the music stops. Once the movement ends…
Reality comes crashing down around you like a ton of bricks. And suddenly, you remember there is a world around you. Judging you.
And even though the thought of Juilliard, the school I’d dreamt about going to since the moment I rose up into my first relevé, was here, scrutinizing my body and my dancing, I was scared about what my mother thought.
“Thank you, you two. You can leave now.”
I lowered my arms and stood there, taking a moment to bow. But before I even bent forward, Ethan appeared next to me and reached down to grab my hand. Warmth spread up my arm and exploded throughout my body as we bent forward to the roaring applause.
When we straightened, he didn’t move to drop my hand—and I didn’t make him.
I wanted the comfort that he gave if I was headed out of the studio to face my mother.
“You did amazing,” he mumbled as he tipped his head toward me.
My cheeks flushed as I nodded. “Thanks. You too.”
He squeezed my hand as he pushed open the door that led to the hallway. Once the door slammed behind us, we walked in silence, hand in hand.
The sound of a door opening broke the silence and my ears pricked as I slowed my gait. I didn’t even have to look to know that it was my mother coming out of the audition room. And that she was headed straight for us.
“What was that about?” she asked.
My entire body stiffened as I fought the tears that threatened to spill. I knew I should turn around. I knew I should face my mother’s disappointment, but I wasn’t as strong as I thought I was.
I wasn’t Ethan.
I clung to his hand as he stopped walking and from the corner of my eye, I saw him glance over his shoulder.
“Oh, hey, Ms. Boucher. Wasn’t your daughter amazing?” He wrapped his arm around my shoulders and gently guided me to turn around.
I blinked a few times, trying to keep my tears at bay. I didn’t want to care this much. I hated how I rested my value on what my mother thought. I wanted to be free of this pain that I’d been carrying around for too long.
“So this was your plan?” my mother said. “Asking for a chance to audition so that you could sneak my daughter in front of the judges?”
Her words cut me to the core and I couldn’t help but look up.
I expected to see the Ice Queen that I’d become accustomed to. I expected to see her hands on her hips and her gaze trained on me as she stared me down. I expected to see anger and resentment for going behind her back.
But I didn’t see any of that.
Instead, her eyebrows were furrowed and her expression was soft as she ran her gaze over me. Her arms were folded across her chest as if she were trying to protect herself from something. Some truth that she couldn’t quite face.
“You weren’t going to let her,” Ethan said. “And I’m sorry, Ms. Boucher, but your daughter was born to dance.” I could hear the protective hint to Ethan’s voice as his arm tightened around my shoulders.
Her gaze met mine and she looked…lost. “I thought you agreed that dancing wasn’t in your future.
You didn’t fit in with the other girls. You don’t have the right body type.
I thought you didn’t want to continue because you weren’t cut out for it and…
” She trailed off with a loud exhale. “You would have been hurt.”
I knew what my mother was saying sounded mean, but she was confused. And hurting.
“I wanted to spare you from rejection,” she said.
I’d never once heard her sound so weak. So vulnerable.
For the first time I saw her actions from her point of view—from the perspective of a woman who’d spent a lifetime being judged herself.
Maybe she had been trying to protect me, in her own way.
Maybe she’d never realized that her rejection was worse than anything I could face from my peers.
“I didn’t want to see you hurt,” she said quietly. “You’d experienced too much rejection already.”
I pushed forward and wrapped my arms around my mother because I knew what she meant.
My father’s leaving us had been the worst kind of rejection.
But he hadn’t just left me…he’d left us.
Tears streamed down my face as I held her.
We’d never talked about Dad. We never shared emotions, but I was beginning to realize that it was the one thing we needed.
I needed my mom and my mom needed me.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered as I pulled back.
For the first time since Dad walked out, my mother, Amiee Boucher, was crying as well. She reached up and held my face in her hands as she studied me.
“Nonsense, I should be saying sorry. I crushed your dreams. I tried to protect you from a world that you were obviously born to be a part of.” She reached up and wiped my tears from my cheeks.
“You were breathtaking. You were everything a dancer should be.” She wrapped her arms around me and pulled me close again.
We held each other and cried. Everything we’d kept bottled up, all the words we’d never said to each other, were spoken in that hug.
“Can you forgive me?” she whispered.
I nodded. “Always.”
She pulled away and then focused her attention on Ethan. She extended her hand and shot him a smile. “I have you to thank for the gift you’ve given me. You had faith in my daughter when I had none.”
Ethan still looked confused but met my mom’s gesture and shook her hand. “Well, she’s incredible. Only a fool would keep her dancing in a studio by herself.”
“Ethan,” I said and shot him a look to which he just shrugged.
My mom held up her hand and shook her head. “Ethan’s right. You are no longer dancing alone in a dark studio. I don’t care what the Juilliard judges say, you will be dancing for the rest of your life.”
My entire body flooded with excitement as I stared at my mom. “Really?”
She nodded as she reached forward and kissed both cheeks. “If you’ll let me teach you, I would be honored to see where we can take your talent.”
I threw my arms around her one more time. Then I pulled back and straightened my clothes. I knew my mom. When it came to dancing, she was all business. There was no place for emotions.
“Yes,” I said. “I’d appreciate that.”
Mom shot me a look that reminded me of why she was called the ice queen. Then she adjusted her bun, dabbed at her eyes, and then nodded to the both of us. “I need to go back in and finish these auditions.” She walked by me but then paused as she glanced down. “We’ll talk at dinner tonight?”
I smiled. “Yep.”
She gave me a curt nod and then disappeared into the audition room.
Silence engulfed the hallway as I stood there, watching the door shut behind my mom. I felt as if I was living in some sort of alternative universe. Like I couldn’t quite grasp the fact that all of my dreams were coming true.
Well…almost all of them.
There was one last one that I wasn’t quite sure where we stood, but I was going to find out.
Suddenly, nervously, I began to pull at my shirt as I turned to face Ethan. His gaze was focused on his guitar as if he too felt as if he wasn’t sure what to say.
I decided to get it out of the way and let my heart do the talking. I leaned in and said, “Thanks.”
His gaze snapped up to me and he held it for a moment before he shrugged. “Your mom is right. You’re an incredible dancer. You deserve to be seen and the world deserves to see you dance.”
I studied him, not able to fight the smile that emerged from his words. “And that’s why I love you,” I said. All of my emotions exploded through me at the same time causing my voice to drop to a whisper.
Ethan studied me and then turned. My heart plummeted as I watched him walk over to the wall. I knew I shouldn’t have admitted something like that so soon. He was still hurt from my actions and I wouldn’t blame him if he never forgave me.
But then, he set his guitar against the wall and turned back to face me. He walked toward me with an intensity that I’d never seen before. He looked determined and confident and my heart responded by galloping in my chest.
His hands were around my waist, pulling me close to him. I could feel his heart pound against my palms as my hands sprawled across his chest.
“I love you, Collette Boucher. You are the sexiest, sweetest, and most confusing girl I’ve ever been around.” He tipped his forehead forward and rested it against mine. “But I can’t stop thinking about you and I doubt I could ever stay away from you.”
He dipped down and brushed his lips against mine.
Deep down, a dam broke inside of me and all the feelings of anger and hatred I had toward myself were washed away.
It was strange, seeing yourself through someone else’s eyes. To Ethan, I was perfect. And to myself…I was beginning to accept that.
I didn’t need to be who everyone thought I should be. I just needed to be me.
I slipped my hands from his chest up to the back of his neck where I threaded my fingers through his hair and pulled him closer, deepening the kiss.
Ethan must have taken that as my acceptance because his arms tightened around my waist and suddenly I was airborne. He spun me around and I broke our kiss for a moment so I could tip my head back and laugh.
I’d never felt so free. So…me.
He slowed down and set me back down on the ground. His arms remained wrapped around me and I didn’t mind. I never wanted him to let me go.
His expression softened as he leaned forward and kissed my lips again. “You were amazing and if the Juilliard people can’t see it, then they are blind.”
I nodded as I leaned forward and rested my cheek on his chest. I could hear his heartbeat. It matched the rhythm of my own.
“It’s okay,” I said. And I really meant it.
There was so much more to dancing than just getting into a prestigious conservatory.
There were other schools and dance companies that did amazing things with ballet that the stuffy traditional schools would never accept.
The dance world was always changing and evolving, and I would find my place within it.
If it didn’t exist already, I’d make a place for myself. I’d forge my own path.
Ethan just held me and we stood there, wrapped in each other’s arms. Sure, we had no idea what the future was going to bring us. He still had Yale to figure out and I had a new relationship to build with my mother.
But it didn’t matter. The fear was no longer coating my entire existence.
With Ethan by my side, I could conquer anything. And for the first time, I was realizing that I was the only one stopping what I could do.
If I wanted to dance, I had to put myself out there and do it.
And that thought excited me. More than anything had in a long time.
A wail pulled us apart as we glanced down the hallway. The audition door flung open and Ryan appeared, carrying a distraught Bianca.
She was gripping her leg and cursing. She glared at anyone who was trying to help—especially Ryan.
“You were a liability,” she shrieked as tears streamed down her cheeks. “I told Ms. Boucher to keep you away from me and I was right. Look what you did.”
Ethan and I pushed ourselves against the wall as the crowd that surrounded them hurried down the hall and out the doors of the school.
I turned to face Ethan whose eyes were wide and his surprised expression matched my own. He wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me close to him. I snuggled in. I took a deep breath and rested my head on his chest.
“Don’t you want to go see if she’s okay?” he murmured.
I spread my hand out across his chest, reveling in the feeling of his voice as it reverberated through his ribcage. I shrugged and tipped my head back. “Nah. I think Ryan has it under control. Besides, I’d rather be here, with you.”
Ethan kissed me again. This time longer and harder than he ever had before. It was as if he wanted me to know that he was never going to go anywhere. Like he wanted to show me how he felt.
And I lost myself in it. He was the one person who understood me and challenged me like I needed to be challenged.
I wasn’t sure what our future held but I did know one thing, Ethan was going to be a part of it.
No matter what.