Chapter 30
THIRTY
Sophia
Two fractured ribs, a concussion and a broken finger. Still got that headache too.
It could have been worse, though.
I could be dead.
Instead, I’m cuddled up on my parents’ couch with my little girl next to me on one side, and the man I love on the other.
He hasn’t let me set foot inside our house since I got released from the hospital two weeks ago, and I’m not sure he ever will. I’m half expecting to find all of our stuff packed up and moved to a new place.
I wouldn’t be against the idea. The idea of going back to that house sends chills up my spine .
I’ll never forget the way it felt to lie on the floor of that living room, going in and out of consciousness, knowing that something horrible was about to happen to me.
I owe my life to Bryson, again , but he won’t hear it. I’m the hero in his eyes. I did enough damage to Josh to slow him down, and then I kneed him in the balls so hard he was doubled over.
That may be true, but I also know that the pain would have subsided and then he would have gone right back to work, doing with my knocked-out body as he pleased. God knows what could have happened to Aria if he’d taken her. The only thing that stopped that from happening was Bryson.
He was the game changer.
Bryson is gently stroking my hair, and every so often, curling a strand around my finger while we both listen to Aria talking a mile a minute about some cartoon she got to watch with Uncle Toby while I was in the hospital.
I don’t really know what she’s going on about, but I don’t care, I’m just grateful to be here to listen to it.
“If you still want to go into the hospital, we’ll have to leave soon,” Bryson says quietly into my ear.
I sigh. “I know.”
I’ve been watching the clock all afternoon.
Josh is out of his coma, and Cat has organised for me to be able to see him, at my request .
I don’t know why I’m doing this to myself. Bryson doesn’t understand it either, but as always, he’s being nothing but supportive regardless.
I might not totally understand the urge I have to see Joshua, but one thing I know for sure is that it hasn’t gone away. He should be dead – in fact if there wasn’t such a skilled surgeon on staff the night Josh got brought in, he probably would be dead.
He wrapped his car around a power pole, going eighty km per hour.
The fact that he survived is a miracle – depending on which way you look at it.
He was three times over the legal blood-alcohol limit, and had P and ecstasy in his system. Jones had to hold pressure on some of his wounds while he waited for the ambulance he called to arrive. I don’t really know the guy very well, but we all owe him a lot for that night. He really went out on a limb for us, and he saw some things that people shouldn’t have to see. I don’t imagine he sleeps very well at night anymore. I’ll have to try and find a way to reduce his trauma somehow.
Josh is beaten up pretty bad – was in a coma for nine days – his hospital bed ironically just down the hall from mine.
Only one of us had a police guard at the door, and cuffs holding us to the bed, though.
He’ll be going back to prison once he’s well enough .
I don’t know how long for – he’ll have to appear in court, again, but I don’t imagine any judge being particularly lenient on him. He’ll be charged with grievous bodily harm, which my lawyer is trying to get upgraded to attempted murder and sexual assault, driving while intoxicated, dangerous driving, assault, and a host of other charges. He’ll be going away longer for this than he did for his last conviction.
I wish things didn’t have to be like this.
Josh and I were never meant to last, even with Aria in the picture, but it didn’t have to go this way. We could have been friends of sorts. We could have co-parented peacefully and shared holidays and special occasions. Instead, because of his choices, we’re stuck here in this hell hole of a cycle.
I hope one day he breaks it, I really do, before it breaks him.
“You don’t have to go,” Bryson tells me, for what must be the one hundredth time.
I know that. But deep down, I do have to.
“It’s just something I need to do.”
He nods. I know he still doesn’t comprehend why, but that’s okay. He’s got my back anyway.
We get Aria settled with my parents and drive to the hospital in silence. He’s holding my hand in his the whole way, but I think he can sense I don’t have the energy for small talk. My mind is going a mile a minute .
“Do you want me to come up with you?” he asks as he pulls into a car park and kills the engine.
I nod my head. “Can you walk up with me? You can wait outside the room if you like.”
My answer is mostly for his benefit. I know he wouldn’t cope well waiting all the way down here while I go into a room with the person who seemed hell bent on raping and hurting, if not killing me, but I also know he couldn’t go inside that room. One wrong word from Josh – even the slightest indication that he didn’t regret what happened – and Bryson would kill him.
I don’t need that on my conscience.
He nods, seemingly satisfied with my answer, and hops out, before rounding the hood to open my door for me. I climb gingerly down to my feet and we begin the slow trip inside. I can’t wait until I can move freely again. Being able to walk at a normal pace, or breathe in deeply is something you take for granted until it’s taken away from you.
Cat is waiting for me outside Josh’s room, along with a uniformed officer. She hugs me, with tears pooling in her eyes.
She still hasn’t forgiven herself for leaving me home alone that night, and no amount of telling her that it’s not her fault, is working. She looks like she’s going to burst into tears every time she lays eyes on me.
I don’t blame her one bit. If not for her being at my house in the first place, Josh could have turned up much earlier, and had a lot more time available to do his deeds. I don’t even want to think about the reality of that.
“Mark will go in with you, you can’t be in there alone with him, and I figured you’d rather have someone you don’t know as an audience. But if you’d prefer, I can do it,” she tells me.
She’s right. I’d much rather have a stranger listening in to whatever this is going to be. I don’t need the embarrassment of a good friend seeing this pathetic situation and what might possibly unfold. I’m sure she already thinks I’m crazy for being here.
“Mark will be fine. Thank you for sorting this out.”
“Whatever you need,” she tells me earnestly.
I shrug my shoulders, then wince at the pain. “Here goes nothing, I guess.”
Bryson gives me a kiss, and then I’m following the officer named Mark into the hospital room.
He gestures for me to go in ahead, and offers me a small reassuring smile.
I mentally brace myself, then look to where I know the bed will be, against the far wall, in the centre of the room.
Josh is barely recognisable. His head is bandaged up, and both of his eyes are a deep purple. His nose isn’t shaped the same way it was before, and he’s got a cast on one of his arms. The gash I made across his face is stitched up neatly .
My stomach swirls and saliva flows heavy in my mouth, like I might be about to throw up.
I suck in some air through my nose, doing my best to try and calm myself down.
He appears to be asleep.
Maybe I’ll just walk out of this room again, now that I’ve seen him, and he’ll never even know I was here.
That doesn’t seem like enough, though. I want him to see that I’m still standing. That I’m stronger than the odds would suggest I am. That he didn’t beat me.
I’m still here, alive and mostly well, and my life will go on. I’ve got my freedom, my family, my child and my partner. I’ve got everything I could possibly need, and he has nothing.
He’s going to spend a long time locked away in a small box, with no real excitement outside of his three meals a day. I doubt anyone will visit him, he won’t see his child again for years, and he’s not loved.
Truthfully, for the most part, he won’t be missed.
He could probably spend the rest of his life behind bars, and nobody would truly miss him, or his presence in their lives.
It’s sad, actually. In a way I feel sorry for him.
I look at his face, trying to figure out where he went wrong. His life could have been so different – but it isn’t. This is the path he chose, and the choices he made led him right here, to rock bottom.
I realise in that moment that my life doesn’t have to be dragged down by his. Neither does Aria’s. We don’t have to delete his existence from our lives, but we can choose our own path.
I know then that I don’t have anything to say to him after all.
There’s nothing he can say that will make up for what he’s done, and there’s nothing I can say that will make a difference to how he turns out.
I’m never going to live my life in fear of him again, I promise myself, and for the first time ever, I actually believe it.
“I’m not afraid of you anymore,” I say aloud. “You can ruin your own life, but you’re done trying to ruin mine.”
I get no response. His lids don’t even so much as flicker.
I almost laugh.
I can’t believe this is what it’s come to.
I turn around and give the officer a nod. “I’m ready to leave now, please.”
He opens the door for me, and I step through – into a much better life.
“I just feel so guilty.”
“What do you feel guilty for?” Bryson asks me .
“For not giving her a better father. I can’t help but feel like she’s going to spend her whole life disappointed by him.”
I look out to the grass beyond the blanket we’re sitting on, and watch as Aria runs around with my brother’s new puppy.
She loves that dog. I already know I’m going to be suckered into getting her a pet when we finally get back home.
There’s just something about a toddler with a baby animal. It’s too cute. The thought of them growing up together brings a tear to my eye.
Bryson follows my line of sight and smiles as we watch.
He really does love her. It’s probably going to be Aria’s real saving grace in life. She might have a drop kick for a daddy, but she’s got a total legend for a step-father.
I hope it’ll be enough. I’ve started saving for therapy, just in case.
“I’m not going to lie to you and say that he won’t be a source of disappointment, because I think that’s pretty clear. But maybe he will surprise us one day. Straighten his shit out and be there for her. But it’s not your fault, Sophia, you don’t need to carry guilt for his choices.”
“I can carry guilt for putting myself in the situation that led to her having him for a father.”
“If he wasn’t her father, the Aria you know and love wouldn’t exist. ”
I never thought about it like that.
“I think you could waste countless amounts of energy, giving yourself a hard time about it, when really maybe you need to thank yourself for being strong enough to go through it all, and have such an incredible daughter as the reward for it.”
“You think?”
He nods. “You can’t tell me that you’d do things differently if you knew then, what you know now. Because then you wouldn’t have her.”
He’s right. There’s no way to change the past anyway, but even if I could, I couldn’t give her up to save myself from any of it.
“I’d go through every minute of that hell again for her,” I reply.
“I know you would. So while Josh might not be father of the year, or may not even act like a father ever again, you’ve got her. And I’ve got both of you, and that little girl will never miss out on having a father figure in her life, I can promise you that.”
God, my heart feels like it could explode in my chest.
I never thought I’d be deserving of this much love. There were nights when Aria was a little baby that I laid in bed with tears streaming silently down my face, because I didn’t feel truly loved. I knew life owed me more than what I was getting, but I didn’t know how to change it.
It’s changed now. Life is giving me much, much more than I could have dreamed it owed me .
“You seriously are the best thing that ever happened to me, Bryson Decker,” I tell him sincerely. “I’m so grateful for what you bring to our lives.”
“You’ve got it backwards, baby. I’m the grateful one.”
I shake my head at him. “I think we’ll have to agree to disagree.”
“Is that how it goes, we live together now so you’re going to start arguing with me about everything?” I tease her.
“Naturally. I plan to be very unreasonable about it too. But speaking of living together, are you going to tell me when we’re allowed to go home? I love my parents and everything, but I’m ready to be out of their house.”
It wouldn’t be so bad if we were staying in my old place, the little unit out back, but when I moved out, Toby and his girlfriend moved in. It was his turn for free rent apparently.
“I don’t think I ever want you to set foot in that place again,” he tells me, his expression turning serious. “I can barely breathe when I’m in that room. I don’t know how you could possibly relax and watch tv in there or whatever.”
Aria and the puppy manage to trip over each other and fall to the ground, and we both pause, watching and waiting to see if there will be any tears, but Aria bursts into laughter instead.
“Honestly, I don’t know either,” I admit, returning to our conversation. “The idea of being there scares me.”
I still haven’t been back, but I can picture it in my mind as I went in and out of consciousness. The broken glass from the smashed photo frame. The blood all over the cream-coloured carpet.
I doubt that would have come out and be gone without a trace.
I’m doing better, but I don’t know if I’m strong enough to see that.
“Let me handle it. I’ll do it as quickly as I can, okay, I promise.”
It’s just another thing he shouldn’t have to do, but I’ll let him anyway.
“Okay.” I nod. “Thank you.”
He leans across and kisses my temple and I feel so safe, and so loved.
We’ll definitely have to agree to disagree – there’s no way I’m not the one with the most to be grateful for.