Caroline
The folded single page had been slipped into the pocket of her coat, left on her hook in the cloakroom. Having read it a dozen times, she knew it word for word.
There are things that need to be discussed. Could you meet me in the large greenhouse after work this coming Tuesday at six? If you go through the gardeners’ door, it is the first greenhouse, straight ahead of you.
I won’t take up much of your time.
Regards,
Angus
It wasn’t exactly friendly.
But she knew she had to meet him, now that he’d seen Annabel.
The only way to put this whole business behind her was to let him know they were fine, that he wasn’t welcome in their lives.
Whatever happened, she couldn’t risk anyone finding out that Annabel was his child. What if the palace knew? Or worse, Frank?
The largest of the greenhouses gave off a dull, desolate hue. It looked deserted, and she shivered in the still air as she found the door and opened it.
Inside, the scent of pine saplings filled the cramped space. Rows of young trees crowded the centre, giving the place a shadowy, claustrophobic feeling. She wavered on the edge before taking a deep breath and heading inside.
Down a long row she went, branches brushing her arms and face. The sound of dripping water echoed sporadically, and she wondered if he was even there.
‘Caroline,’ came an urgent whisper from somewhere close.
Jerking back, she bumped into a workbench running along the side.
And there, with his back to the bench, was Angus, his face unreadable in the shadows. He switched on a side lamp, the naked amber bulb throwing a dim light over the shadowy plants.
For a moment, he just looked down at her, then he said, ‘Thank you for coming. I wasn’t sure you would . . .’ He broke off, as if struggling to get back to a prepared speech. ‘I just wanted to know . . .’ He took a breath. ‘Is your daughter my child?’
Slowly, she nodded.
He swallowed, his eyes meeting hers. ‘You have to tell me what happened after I left.’
Desperate to stay calm, she couldn’t help the catch in her voice. ‘I didn’t know for a while – I didn’t want to believe it. Then I wrote to you.’ Her hurt from so many years ago welled to the surface, as raw as a fresh scab. ‘But you never replied.’
As if she’d hit him, he stumbled back. His eyes glared into hers. ‘You wrote to me?’
‘Yes, a dozen times, more.’
‘But . . .’ He frowned, confounded. ‘I never received any letters.’ He struggled to keep his composure. ‘I was heartbroken, Caroline. I couldn’t believe you’d forgotten about me so quickly.’
There they both stood, three feet apart, grappling with what the other was saying.
‘But you must have received them,’ she insisted.
‘Or some of them at least. I checked your service number; they assured me the letters would have been delivered to you. I even went to the Scots Guards to ask if anything had happened to you, but they wouldn’t tell me as I wasn’t your next of kin.
I didn’t know your family, and I couldn’t find out anything about you.
’ She covered her face with her hands as she began to cry.
‘I thought you were dead, that’s how much I believed in you – it seemed the only explanation.
It was only after the war, when I heard you were back in Balmoral, that I couldn’t pretend anymore. I knew that you’d deserted me.’
He took a step toward her, his voice gentle.
‘I never left you, not for a single moment. When I returned, I found out you were married, and I had to stay away, for my own sake.’ He made a strangled cough, trying to pull himself together.
‘It took me years to get over it.’ The muscle in his jaw clenched as he glanced down at her wedding ring. ‘Which is more than it took you.’
Hurt, she clutched onto the bench behind her.
‘I was pregnant, Angus.’ She heard her own voice rising.
‘I was pregnant, and you had vanished.’ Anger came over her, thick and fast. ‘Do you have any idea what it’s like to be unwed and expecting a baby?
I was going to be thrown out of my job, my room in the palace.
I couldn’t go home – it would be the end of my father’s ministry if his pregnant daughter arrived on his doorstep. ’
Angus closed his eyes, whispering through gritted teeth. ‘If only we’d married before I left.’
‘I was at my wit’s end, not knowing what to do, so when Frank asked me to marry him, you can’t blame me for seeing it as a rope being thrown to me – my one single means of survival.’
‘You didn’t want to marry him?’
‘It wasn’t a matter of choice.’ Emotion caught in her throat. ‘I had to marry a man I barely knew to save myself and my child. And where were you?’ Her heart fell as those nights of crying came back to her. ‘Where were you?’
He stopped, his eyes going from her to the ground.
‘At the beginning, I was fighting in northern France, and we were separated from the main body of troops, which I suppose could explain the missing mail. It wasn’t long before Dunkirk – you must have heard all the stories, the heroic rescues by ships coming over the sea.
I never saw any of it. My unit was captured before we even reached it. ’
‘The Nazis took you prisoner?’
‘I had been injured during the battle, gunshot in my shoulder, and was transported to a series of hospitals and then camps in Poland. I didn’t get out until after the end of the war.
I couldn’t wait to see you when I got back, but then I discovered you were married.
’ He shook his head. ‘But now that I realize that you had to marry him, it doesn’t bear thinking about. ’
‘It was the most difficult decision I’ve ever made, Angus. I had to do what was best for my child – for our child – even if that meant marrying a man I didn’t love.’
‘You never loved him?’
‘Never. In any case, how could I when I was still in love with someone else.’ Her eyes curved away from his, circling out through the window into the darkness.
‘Can I see her, our daughter?’
He used the word ‘our’ carefully, and hearing it spoken aloud made Caroline flinch. She’d guarded that secret for so long.
‘I-I don’t know,’ she floundered.
Angus’s eyes sparkled with hope in the dim light. ‘I want to take her out for a day, get to know her. I’m only here for another week. I promise I won’t tell her anything about us. You can pretend we’re just old friends from the palace.’
Her insides twisted. ‘Wouldn’t it be easier if you left us alone? We’ve been through enough. Our lives aren’t easy, living with Frank.’
Taking a step towards her, he implored her, ‘This will be the last time I’ll intrude on you, Caroline. It’s unlikely I’ll ever come to London again. But please give me this one chance to spend time with her.’
How she longed for her daughter to meet Angus, a truly good man and one Annabel took after in many ways.
But what about the risks? What if someone saw them?
Worst of all, what if it was so good, so right, that Caroline could never live with the awful reality of her life again?
Fear flooded through her, and Angus seemed to sense it, reaching a hand towards her arm to calm her.
But she stepped away quickly, not wanting him to touch her lest she clung on, unable to let go.
‘All right, we can meet you, but just for one day.’
He nodded. ‘Thank you. I mean the best for you both, you know that?’
‘I think I do.’
‘They’re sending me back to Scotland next week, so I was hoping we can meet on Saturday.’
She knew it would be difficult to get away from Frank, but she said, ‘I’ll make sure we’re free.’
‘I’ll be underneath the clock in Victoria Station at nine.’ And now a half-smile lit his face. ‘Be dressed for walking.’
‘Why, where are we going?’
He led her back to the door. ‘You’ll find out when we get there.’
And for a moment they stood, the open door between them, and she wondered if he just wanted to spend time with Annabel, or was it her, too.
If he said it was, she would balk, back away, worry that what they were doing was wrong.
Yet she couldn’t help but wonder whether she still meant anything to him.
Suddenly self-conscious, she straightened her hair, murmuring a quick, panicked goodbye before darting out onto the dark path, following the light from the windows back to the palace.
All the while, she couldn’t help but worry. What excuse was she going to give to Frank? What was she going to say to Annabel about this strange man taking them out for the day?
But deep down, she knew there was one far more pressing issue.
How was she to stop herself falling in love with him all over again?