Caroline #2
Although reluctant to be alone with Angus, Caroline was won over by Annabel’s enthusiasm for the riding school.
Before long, she and Angus were trotting out of the village, entering into a cool, dark forest, birds scattering from the treetops as they meandered through the oaks.
A stream trickled over rocky outcrops, the water glinting in the dappled sunshine, and Caroline watched Angus, his form strong as he fell into step beside her.
She could hardly believe they were both there.
‘It must feel good to get out of the city,’ he said.
She breathed in the cool, mossy air. ‘It reminds me of home, of where I grew up.’
‘Don’t you feel settled in London after all these years?’
‘I’ve never been comfortable there.’ She found her breath sticking in her throat, all the words she suddenly needed to say but didn’t know how.
‘I had to change after you left; I had to make do with anything I could get, and that was living with Frank in Camden. My only goal was to keep Annabel alive, no matter what I had to sacrifice, but even such a simple task as that seemed huge when I had to beg a man to marry me.’ Her voice trembled with the truth of it.
‘Sometimes your dreams are reduced to the very basics: I want my child to live. I would work a thousand hours, bend over backwards for a man I loathe, do anything to give her a good, balanced childhood. That’s all I can do. ’
And suddenly, with a sense of frustration, she leaned forward, and with a sharp, ‘Let’s go,’ she broke into a canter.
Weaving ahead of Angus through the trees, she aimed for the sunlight, coming out into an empty pasture, where, gripping hold of the reins, she took the horse into a full gallop, the fresh wind racing through her as she sped across the land, gaining speed and pace with every stride.
How exhilarating it was! Her frustration with the sheer strain and toughness of life blown away as the fresh air pumped through her lungs, through her whole body.
Her miserable reality was left behind as she sped faster and faster, rising off the saddle to urge the horse onward.
If she carried on forever, maybe she’d never have to go back again.
She could turn back the clock. Only this time, she’d wait for Angus. She’d wait for the man she loved.
Galloping hard, Angus drew his horse up beside hers, racing her through the field and up to the top of the hill before calling for the horse to slow.
Gradually, they drew to a halt at the ridge. There, Caroline caught her breath at the view over the great valley, the hills bathed in the afternoon sunshine as they rolled down to the sea.
It felt so still, so quiet, the noise of the outside world silenced. As they looked over the vast world, they caught each other’s eyes, laughing with the sheer joy of being there. It was just the two of them, together once again, the past years dissolved into air.
She looked down to the sea, feeling his gaze on her. ‘You’re a good horseman, Angus Buchannon.’
‘It’s in my blood.’ He laughed. ‘Maybe it’s in Annabel’s blood, too.’
‘Is that why you brought us here?’
He grinned. ‘I have to confess, it’s you I always wanted to see on a horse. And I’m impressed. I know you rode as a child, but a gallop like that is remarkable.’
‘I’m surprised I still have it in me.’ She paused. ‘Thank you for bringing us here. I didn’t realize how much I needed to get out.’
He shifted his horse closer to hers. ‘I only wish I could do more.’
And something in his voice reminded her of a different time, the days and nights in London wandering through the parks, running for buses, slow-dancing through the early hours.
How colossally her world had fallen apart after he left.
As if sensing her change in mood, he reached over to touch her arm, the warmth of his hand immediate.
And she fought a sudden yearning to escape with him, to vanish back into that old world.
His hand lingered on her, and she wondered if he, too, remembered those heady nights, the passion between them.
But the sheer joy of being together didn’t last long before an intense hatred for her situation took hold. Why, oh why hadn’t she waited longer for him? If she hadn’t been so quick to marry, everything could have been so different.
How could she live with herself now, knowing all that she’d missed?
Turning the horse away from him, she began to gallop back to the farm, racing across the fields as fast as she could go. If she was going to have to get through the rest of her life trapped in London, at least she could experience freedom for this one precious afternoon.
And as the wind flew through her, she began to sob, tears streaming down her cheeks as she sped away from him, down the hill, back through the forest.
‘Wait!’ Angus galloped behind her, catching up as she entered the woodland. She slowed to a trot, and he fell into step beside her; when his eyes met hers, she knew that he understood everything.
Wordlessly, they walked the horses into the farm, feeling each other’s warm presence while they had the chance.
The others were already back, and it wasn’t long before they had to leave for the station.
For the duration of the journey, Caroline watched as Annabel, elated from her ride, chatted to Angus.
The train carriage was almost empty, and so Angus taught her to sing ‘Will You Go, Lassie, Go’, and she in turn sang ‘Auld Lang Syne’, everyone joining in, even though it wasn’t remotely close to the New Year.
The conversation was solely about horses, especially as Gil had offered to take Annabel riding if they were able to make their own way down to the farm.
Caroline wondered how often they’d be able to, with Frank the way he was, but she kept these worries to herself.
Victoria Station came upon them all too soon, and they parted company at the entrance to the Underground.
‘Thank you for taking us riding, Angus,’ Annabel said. ‘Can we go again, while you’re still here in London?’
‘I’m leaving tomorrow, I’m afraid. Our work in the palace is finished, and we have to get back to Balmoral.
I’m sorry it’s only been this one day.’ His eyes went from Annabel’s to Caroline’s.
‘I never wanted to return to London, but now I see that I should have come back years ago.’ He turned back to Annabel.
‘You’re always welcome at Balmoral, if you can make it up there. ’
Annabel turned to her mother. ‘Can we?’
‘We’ll see, shall we?’ Caroline told her, taking a few coins from her bag. ‘Now pop into the shop and get us some mints for the way home.’
As Annabel went off, Caroline turned to Angus. ‘Thank you for a lovely day.’
Tentatively, he took a step toward her. ‘Thank you for agreeing to come. It’s been wonderful to meet Annabel.
She’s an incredible girl. I can hardly believe she’s been alive all this time and I never even knew.
’ He gazed at her. ‘And you, well, underneath the surface, you’re still the girl I knew so many years ago. ’
She swallowed, looking at the ground. ‘It was wonderful to ride again.’
‘Exhilarating, isn’t it? It makes you feel like you can do anything in the world.’ It was as if he were daring her, urging her to step out of her norm.
‘But . . .’ she began, only the words wouldn’t come out. Freedom wasn’t a choice for her. She’d had the perfect day, and now she would have to fold it up and tuck it away, hide it out of sight like it had never happened. ‘Will I see you before you leave?’
He shook his head. ‘We’re leaving very early, I’m afraid.’
The station, the people and the loudspeakers seemed to blur into the background, but she pulled herself together. ‘It’s been good to see you, Angus.’
‘Now that I know what happened, I . . .’ He took a step forward. ‘I never imagined that I could have had it so wrong. Maybe I should have had more faith in you, in us. I thought we would go to the ends of the earth for each other, Caroline.’
Swallowing hard, she couldn’t speak, avoiding his eyes, what they might say.
‘But now, well . . .’ This thought was broken by the sound of Annabel returning.
The moment was gone, the thought unfinished. What was he going to say? That he was glad he had returned, that he could hardly bear to leave her again? Or was it that he could finally put the past behind him?
Meanwhile, all the things she might have said in return – the words love and hope and dreams – were reduced to a loop through her heart, again and again like a scratched record.
Hastily, she put on a smile, thanking Angus, letting Annabel say her goodbyes before guiding her down into the Underground, biting her lips together to stop herself from bursting into tears.
In silence, they wove through the crowd to the platform, and as she turned to her mother, Annabel whispered, ‘Are you all right, Mum? You look a bit pale.’
‘Why don’t we sit down.’ Caroline lowered herself onto a bench facing the tracks.
Opposite them was a billboard depicting a happy couple on a beach, the man taking a photograph of the woman as she lazed in the sunshine.
How adored she was, stretching out in the heat under his devoted gaze.
And Caroline began to shiver, her world somehow colder, like she’d been shut back outside in an icy chill after warming herself by a fire.
‘Would you like one, Mum?’ Annabel had bought lemon bonbons in the shop. ‘They didn’t have mints.’ Although Caroline didn’t usually eat sweets, she took one, the sour-sweet tang distracting her from the sharp pain that ran through her.
‘Mum, how do you know Angus?’ Annabel’s voice came cautiously from the seat beside her.
‘We used to work together, in the palace. He went to war, and, well, I already knew your father.’ Lowering her voice, she added, ‘It’s probably best that you don’t mention it to Dad, that we met Angus today. He’d worry about it unnecessarily.’
‘Why’s Dad always so bad-tempered?’ Annabel huffed. ‘He says he’s the best father in the world, when he’s mean and selfish.’
Guiltily, Caroline thought of everything he’d done for them – everything that Annabel didn’t know.
‘He’s a good sort underneath,’ she murmured.
‘Why can’t he be more like Angus, riding horses and living in the Highlands?’ And she began humming ‘Auld Lang Syne’, this time softly, sadly. And without thinking, Caroline dejectedly joined in. ‘Should auld acquaintance be forgot.’
The train arrived, full as usual, so they stood, holding on to the rail, and as it plunged into a tunnel, Caroline knew the dream had come to an end. The light at the other side of the Underground would be lifeless and drab, the same as it had always been.
Her life would be plunged back into grey, bleak and inexorable.