Chapter 50
Chapter Fifty
Not Enough
Alex
Afire still blazed, warming the room against the chill that had crept into the air.
The room was thick with tension as Davin stood with his hands in his pockets, his jaw tight just as he had hours before.
Alex started to reach out, wanting to touch him, but let her hand drop back to her side, knowing that he wouldn’t welcome it.
He had remained silent throughout the entire discussion, his anger never seeming to dissipate.
They had tried to include him in the planning, but he had simply turned away again, facing the flames.
“Talk to me. Please?” Alex whispered, breaking the silence that stretched between them.
“Talk to you about what? Tristan? The fact that you hid all of this from me?” He threw his arms wide in his fury.
Alex stepped back at the venom in his voice. “It was never Tristan, Davin. It was Rivka. It’s always been Rivka.”
“So it’s just me then?”
“Davin no. I...”
“You what? You don’t need me? You don’t want me? But you didn’t want me to leave either, did you? You were just using me? Is that it?” he growled, taking a step towards her.
“Davin, I didn’t- I never meant to hurt you. I just-” She cut herself off, knowing that pain was pain, even if unintended.
He gave a ragged inhale before speaking. “Tell me why you thought lying to me was the right thing to do.” His voice now low and measured.
Alex tried to speak, but her words caught in her throat. “Davin..”
“No. No more excuses, Alex. Are you even who you claimed to be?” She flinched at his words, wrapping her arms around herself as if they could shield her from his harsh tone.
“It was never about deceiving you.” Damned if admitting this next part was more difficult than she’d imagined, but he deserved to know. “I was scared. I couldn’t trust anyone. Everyone lied. Had I told you the truth-”
Davin let out a bitter laugh. “If you had told me the truth, what? You thought that would make me want you any less? Would have had me running away? That I would abandon you?” He shook his head. “That’s the problem, Alex. You never even gave me the choice.”
Her breath caught, and for a moment, she felt like she might collapse under the weight of his words. He didn’t attempt to reach for her. Not this time. He just stood there looking at her, not even trying to conceal his bitterness. Her own anger flared.
“Maybe that’s true. But I’m not the only one holding their secrets close. I am not naive. I know you are more than you’ve let on. You didn’t let me in either, not really. The only difference is that now you know my truths, regardless of how that happened, but I still don’t know yours.”
Davin looked away from her at the accusation, and it fueled the fire burning within her. “How do you know my father?”
His body coiled with fury, his face contorted in anguish. “Your father is a murderer. My wife…our….” Alex arched an eyebrow, waiting for him to finish. He shook his head, as if trying to get himself under control.
“It doesn't matter. None of it matters anymore.”
“Of course! Here you are slinging accusations but still refuse to answer any of my questions!” Alex snapped, her hold on her anger slipping. “You have a wife? One I’m just hearing about.”
“My wife has nothing to do with us. She is my past.”
“Your past? Yet you’re still angry about it, whatever it is.”
Davin stood rigid, staring at her. “I never set out to hurt you. I was honest about who I was and what my intentions were from the start.”
“Hurt me? You think you can hurt me? I broke my own heart by walking away from the one person I thought I would spend my life with because I didn’t trust her as I should have, and now, she’s gone.”
Davin exploded. “Exactly! You don’t trust anyone, Alex! Not even yourself. That was your mistake.”
His words stung, but he was right. Doubting those who loved her had caused more heartache in her life than she cared to admit. He moved toward her, as if he realized how deep his words had cut her, but she stepped back. She couldn’t bear to have him touch her right now.
“Alex..”
“No,” She said, shaking her head. “The worst mistake was thinking that I care what you think at all. I just lost the love of my life whilst holding her daughter in my arms.”
The anger bled out of Davin’s eyes. “All I ever asked for was the truth.” His shoulders curved inward as he looked towards the door. She could see the fight drain out of him. He’d made his choice.
“You’re leaving,” Alex said softly, barely loud enough for him to hear. “You’re going to just walk away, like the last few months never happened? And for what? To hide in your hut in the forest? You deserted. Do you know what they do to deserters?”
She knew it was the wrong thing to say the moment it left her lips, and he jerked away as if she had struck him.
She backtracked, trying to untangle the mess she’d just made.
“Wait. Please just stay. I will explain everything, or at least everything I know now. I will answer any questions you have.”
Alex could barely keep her emotions in check. Why did the thought of him walking out that door terrify her? Why did she even care? But she did care. DAMN IT! “I’m sorry, Davin.”
He shook his head. “You’re only sorry now.
Now that you’ve lost that precious control you cling to.
You shouldn’t have lied, Alex. You should’ve trusted me.
” Hurt shone from his eyes, his emotions causing his voice to crack.
“I trusted you. Gods, I would have done anything that you asked of me. But you didn’t ask. You didn’t trust what was there.”
He looked at her and stepped closer, not quite touching her but close enough she could feel the heat of him on her skin. “You didn’t trust this,” he gestured between them, sadness heavy in his tone. “Without trust, we have nothing.”
Silence stretched between them, heavy and final. Davin exhaled shakily and forced a step back. Her soul screamed for him, the loss of him palpable. But she didn’t utter a sound. Just watched as he continued to back away.
“Some doors must remain locked,” he whispered as he turned, his footsteps echoing through the room.
Alex watched him go, her world unraveling with every step.
And when the door clicked closed, she knew she’d lost him.
He wouldn’t turn around or come back. He’d made up his mind to leave. It was done.
The tears that she had been holding back spilled over.
How had she messed everything up so badly?
When had she allowed herself to depend on another person, to depend on him?
He had never failed her, not once. But she had continually misled him, had not trusted him.
Her own insecurities and self sabotage had driven him away.
Her already battered heart shuddered as she sat down heavily on the edge of the couch.
“How did I get here?” Rivka was dead. A sob broke loose, and her shoulders shook. It felt like the walls were closing in, the room pulling in on her. Alex curled into a ball, drawing her knees to her chest, too exhausted to move or stop the tears that were now openly flowing.
She had left her. Had abandoned Rivka. Had hurled insults and accusations; used her selfish needs to lash out.
Her love, her entire heart, had needed nothing but trust and patience, had begged Alex for both.
But still she had ended it, had let jealousy decay the one happy thing in her existence.
For what? To only be present as Rivka’s life faded to the Gods?
And now Rivka would never get the chance to grow old or be the mother that she had always wanted to be.
Sobs racked Alex’s body as she succumbed to her grief.
Hands gripped her, gently lifting her against a hard chest. More sobs tore from her as she clung to Ellis, her hand fisting in his shirt. He settled in on the couch, tucking her against him as he stroked her hair.
“I know, sweetheart. Let it out,” he murmured, his own voice thick with tears.
They held onto each other, both wading through the sea of grief that drowned them.
Alex cried until there were no more tears left.
Just an empty hollow feeling deep in her chest. Ellis had fallen asleep with her pulled into his side, his arm slung over her.
She could feel the exhaustion tugging at her.
Knew she should give in, that she needed the rest, but her mind kept filtering back to everything that had happened.
To Davin. To Rivka. To the chest and her father.
The steady drum of Ellis’ heart soothed her. Her last waking thought, before the darkness claimed her, was revenge. She would make them pay for what they had done.
They would all burn.