Chapter 15
Chapter Fifteen
“There you are…” Ariadne’s voice drifted across the room. “I was wondering where you were hiding.”
Celestine sat by the window, looking across the back garden, utterly lost in her own thoughts such that it took her a moment to recognize who had spoken.
In her lap, she held baby Emmet, rocking the sleeping baby back and forth with such gentleness and care that she worried if she moved from her place that it might wake him suddenly.
There was great comfort found in holding the baby, a sense of familiarity that Celestine did not fully understand, nor did she want to admit to feeling.
“I’m not hiding.” She smiled at her sister before turning back toward the window. “I was just getting to know my nephew a little better.”
“And I will never stop such a thing,” her sister laughed gently.
“Truly, it is nice to know that he is so loved, as well as knowing that when the time comes for peace and quiet, I will have you to take him from me.” She laughed further.
“I do not think I have slept more than an hour straight since he was born.”
Celestine chuckled again but did not respond. She looked down at the sleeping baby, and her chest tightened with what felt like sadness but she knew to be something else. Fear, she suspected, worry about what she was doing.
I cannot escape the feeling that I have made a terrible mistake.
“Mother is looking for you.” Ariadne pulled a chair across the room and sat herself beside Celestine. “Do not worry,” she said quickly when she saw the grimace cross Celestine’s face. “I told her that you were busy with preparations.”
“I assume that only made her want to find me more.”
“True,” her sister laughed. “It is somewhat chaotic here. And I do not think I have ever seen Mother so excited. Two dukes in the family. Two daughters who are duchesses.” She laughed again. “Truly, I feel sorry for her friends, as they will have to live with her bragging for some time.”
“I am just happy that she is happy,” Celestine said because it felt like the right thing to say.
“Marigold has certainly come into herself,” Ariadne continued gently. “She has taken command of the wedding preparations like I did not know she was capable. Even Isolde is doing her part.”
“I should be helping…”
“Oh, they are capable enough,” her sister assured her. “I think they assume that you are so love struck that you will be little real use to them anyway. Let them take the brunt. You have earned the rest.”
Celestine forced a smile, but only because she thought that was what her sister wanted of her. It had been that way for three days, ever since Celestine had announced to her family that she and Edward were to be wed.
The initial announcement had caused much surprise, as well as relief.
Her mother, especially, was thrilled that her troublesome daughter had seen the light and gone back to the duke.
Even her younger sisters, while not as determined as her mother was, believed the marriage to be a love match.
After all, what other reason could there possibly be for Celestine taking the duke back?
And Celestine, not wanting to upset anyone, continued to play the role that she had grown so accustomed to. The loving bride, the adoring wife-to-be, the dutiful daughter who was finally doing as she was supposed to do.
And it is all a lie…
As her sister had rightly pointed out, Celestine was hiding in her room, while using Emmet as an excuse in case she was found out.
She was hiding from the wedding preparations, because she could not find the enthusiasm to get involved.
She was hiding from her mother, because she was sick of lying to her face.
Most of all, she was hiding from herself.
“Celestine…” Her sister’s voice was soft and filled with concern. She leaned over and rested her hand on her knee. “What is wrong?”
“Nothing,” Celestine said a little too quickly “Why would anything be wrong?”
“I am not Mother,” her sister said. “Nor am I Marigold or Isolde. Since I married and left, you have had to take on responsibilities that I know you did not want but rose toward, nonetheless. But I am here now, and I know that something is wrong.” She looked pleadingly at Celestine. “Truly, I feel I should apologize.”
“What? Ariadne, you have done nothing wrong.”
“I have not been there for you,” she said.
“But I am here for you now. So, please stop lying to me, acting as if all is well. Remember, I know the truth about your engagement, meaning I was perhaps the only person not surprised when it ended. But that also meant that I was the only person truly surprised when it started again.”
Celestine winced, shame taking her.
“What is going on, Celestine? Why did you agree to marry His Grace so suddenly? As if from nowhere?”
“It was not from nowhere,” Celestine tried.
“It…” Her throat tightened. “Yes, our initial engagement was false, as you know. But we spent so much time together, learned so much about one another, that it became as if it were real. When it ended, that was what felt false. Forced, even. If anything, us marrying makes perfect sense.”
“Do you truly believe that?”
Her throat tightened, the words a struggle to speak. “I do.”
“Then why are you acting this way?” She did not push, but she spoke with gentle command. She knew Celestine as well as anyone, and she could see the pain behind her sister’s eyes. “If this is what you want, I would think you might be happier.”
“I am happy.”
“And yet here you sit, staring out the window as if the world is about to end.” She squeezed her knee. “If you tell me again that you are happy, I will leave it be. But if there is anything you need to tell me, anything at all, I am here for you, Celestine. Never forget that.”
Celestine had spent the last few years putting everyone in her family first. Her two sisters, especially; they were who mattered most. It was because of this that her own needs were forgotten and ignored, made to be insignificant so that even Celestine hardly considered them.
But they did matter. They were important. And now that a new chapter in her life was about to start, she could not escape the feeling that she had made a grave mistake.
I do care for Edward, as I know he cares for me. But is that enough? Why does this feel so wrong?
“I… I am happy,” Celestine started, her voice wavering with a lack of certainty. “And I do believe that this is the right decision.” She looked at her sister. “Mother will insist I marry soon, no matter what I want. So why not to Edward?”
“But you are unsure,” her sister said.
“I am…” She considered her answer as thoughts from the last two days whirred through her mind.
“I am unsure of what I expect. I know I must do this, just as I know it will likely be for the best. But I cannot escape the feeling that… that…” Her chin began to wobble.
“That Edward is not what he seems and once we marry I will realize that I have made a terrible mistake.”
Ariadne nodded as if she expected the answer. “You speak of Lord Edmonton, and what he did to you.”
“He is not Edward,” she said. “Then again, I did not think such things about Lord Edmonton until it was too late. What if this is the same? What if I am walking into another trap, one I see forming before me, and one I cannot run from?”
She turned again and looked out the window, those same thoughts and fears that had attacked her the last two days coming back.
When Celestine was just eighteen years old, she had fallen in love.
His name was Lord Edmonton, a man who had seemed too good to be true.
Handsome. Charming. The type who other men looked up to and worshipped.
He was everything that Celestine had ever hoped for in a man, and she had opened her heart to those feelings without fear that she might be hurt.
As she had soon learned, Lord Edmonton was not what she had thought.
It was silly, really, as Lord Edmonton had not courted her. Nor had he pursued her. Rather, it was Ariadne who he pursued, tricked, and then ruined until her true love came along. He was vile and vengeful, petty and manipulative, and nothing like what Celestine had dreamed.
Nonetheless, the effect of his sudden transformation had devastated Celestine. She could just not believe that a man who she had loved so deeply, who she had dared to trust, could do something to her and someone that she loved.
Consequently, she had sworn off love as a result.
That was when she took on the moniker of ‘the Mad Hargrave Sister,’ determined to never trust again, to never give her heart out, and to never waste time in courtship or romance because if she could be so easily tricked by a man who she had little to do with, what chance did she have with a man who wanted her?
“Lord Edmonton…” Her sister sneered. “Do not judge all men based on him. After all, if I had done the same, I would not be married and in love. And I, more than anyone, should have been broken by him.”
“I know,” Celestine sighed. “But I have spent so long building up these walls that they are not easy to suddenly tear down.”
“Do you trust Edward?” she asked. “Do you… do you love him?”
“Love? No,” she said, knowing it was true. “It is too early for that.”
“And the trust?”
She winced and looked down. “I want to trust him, but how can I? Our relationship was built on a lie. He says the right things, but does he mean them? How can I know for sure?”
“I suppose that only you can answer that question. You have come this far, you know Edward better than anyone. Do you believe what he says? Or do you think he means to trick you?”
She sighed and shook her head. “I do not know what he wants. We ended the engagement, and then he asked for my hand. He told me he did so because he wanted to marry me, that he missed what we had. But there was something else…” She bit into her lip.
“It was jealousy. He saw me with Lord Grundon, and he assumed I had moved on.”
“So, he does care for you?”
“Or he does not want to be made to look like a fool,” she said. “Did he ask for my hand because he wants it? Or does he just not want anyone else to have it for themselves?”
Ariadne had no answer. She squeezed Celestine’s knee again, and she fixed her with a look of pity and hope as if that would be enough.
Since the day that Celestine had started her fake courtship with Edward, she had determined to be herself, never once lying about who she was, or acting in a way that she thought Edward might like. He knew who she was for that reason, and she wanted to believe that he liked that about her.
Then she thought of the last time that she saw him, alone in that room, how they had kissed and done other unspeakable acts together. It was almost too good to be true, and that was the fear.
Does he care for me? Or is it all a lie…
Celestine had no way of knowing, just as she knew that this marriage was set to happen no matter what. And while there was a part of her that was excited, that wanted it because she did care for Edward, that same part brought untold amounts of fear.
She had felt pain once, that which tore her in two, and that which changed her irrevocably. As strong as Celestine was, she knew that she would not survive if that same pain visited her again.