Chapter 28
Chapter Twenty-Eight
It was three days later, and Edward knew what he needed to do. He just wasn’t sure that he could do it. He had spent the last week and a half avoiding this task, his stubborn nature fighting him to stand his ground because he was not one to give in.
But what was the point in winning, in being proven correct, if there was nobody to celebrate it with? To be victorious and alone, or defeated but with those you loved? That was the question.
Not that it was much of one. Despite what many believed of Edward, he did care. He did love. He did want those in his life who he was close with to be happy. And as the last week and a half had proven, he was the reason that such things were not possible.
So, with the end of day steadily approaching, with tonight one that he needed to be ready for, he did as he should have done a week ago. He made his way to Millicent’s bedroom, knocked on the door, and walked inside.
“Millicent…” The room was bathed in natural light, an immediate sense of good tidings and positive moods not felt in the manor all week. That was until he saw his niece sitting by the window.
She turned and she scowled at him, before looking back out the window. Suddenly, the room darkened, the mood dropped, and a cold swept through it that made Edward shake.
It might have been enough to see him change his mind and walk away, but he stayed strong. As he had long since come to decide, everything that had happened between himself and his niece was his fault, and if there was any chance that they might repair their relationship, he had to take charge.
What was more, he wanted to repair it. He hadn’t gone through all of this just because he felt that he needed to, desperate to see her courted as was expected and right. He did it because he loved Millicent deeply, he wanted her to be happy, just as he wanted her to love him as he loved her back.
“Might we talk?” he asked as he crossed the room towards her. She said nothing, nor did she turn around. “You are upset with me, as you have every right to be. And all week I have…” He stopped halfway across the room. “I have been meaning to come and see you, Millicent. To explain why I—”
“To make excuses, you mean,” she spoke over him, still not turning.
He winced. “No. I am not going to make excuses. I thought I might. I… I wanted to. I wanted to come here and justify what I did and why I did it, as if that would be enough. As if you should understand.” He laughed.
“As if you ought to be the one to apologize to me.” She did not laugh, but he did not expect her to.
“Rather than that, I thought I would explain myself and then apologize.”
“What is there to explain?” she said, her voice sharp.
“It is not as if you made a mistake or… or it was something that I shouldn’t have seen coming.
” Finally, she turned. Her expression was rueful, anger seeping from her pours like perfume.
She had all week to think about what Edward had done, and clearly, in that time, her opinion of him had only gotten worse.
“If anything, I should feel like a fool for feeling this way, for expecting…” Her brow furrowed and her chin wobbled.
“For believing that you had changed. When what I should have known from the beginning was that you were always going to ruin this for me. That always, all you care about, is yourself.”
Edward winced, shame striking him like a dagger through the chest.
Millicent’s accusation was a little too hard hitting, a little too accurate, and impossible to deny.
From her point of view, the Edward that she knew, his actions were nothing out of the ordinary.
For as long as she had known Edward, he was always one to do as he pleased, as he wanted, caring nothing for how others viewed him.
But she is wrong… that is not me. At least I do not want it to be.
“You are only half right.” He walked toward her and she turned away. “Not that you are wrong for thinking that. Everything you know of me and that you have seen proves the point. I am selfish, self-obsessed, and I only care about myself.”
She scoffed. “At least you can admit that.”
“Would you believe me if I said that I don’t want to be that way?
” he continued as he came in behind her.
He wanted to touch her on the shoulder, but he held back.
“That this past Season, everything I have done has been in an effort to change that about myself? That what I do care about, the only thing, is you, Millicent.”
She scoffed again. “That’s a lie, Edward.”
“It is not.”
“It is!” She turned and fixed him in a glare framed by bloodshot eyes. “I don’t even care about what happened with Lord Grundon. I… know he is not what he seems, and I realized that long before you embarrassed me.”
“I know that now.”
“Do you?” she pleaded, still furious. “Or do you just hate that you have ruined your chance to get rid of me? No…” A shake of the head. “You do not even want that. You like that you control me. And this whole Season, all that you did, was a game to you. You never intended for me to meet anyone.”
“Do you really believe that?”
“I do,” she said. “Even Celestine…” She sniffed back her tears. “You never cared about her either. You used her as you used me, and now that you do not need her anymore, you sent her away. All you care about is you.” She widened her eyes at him, held them on him for a moment, and turned back.
Edward had debated what he was going to say to Millicent. A simple apology might have been nice, but that was never going to be enough. The trust between him and Millicent had been broken, and the only way to get it back was to tell her everything.
He had already ruined one relationship; driven away one person he cared deeply for. He would not do the same with his niece.
“I need to tell you something,” he began. “And please, just… just listen. I am not trying to justify anything. I am not trying to make excuses. All I want is for you to understand.”
She said nothing, still looking out the window. Edward took that as acceptance; it was the best he could have hoped for.
“When Celestine and I were first engaged, it was not real. It was a false engagement, one that we lied about.”
“What?” Millicent spun about. “What does that mean?”
“You are right about my reputation,” he continued.
“How I have behaved my entire life. I did not care about anyone, or what was said of me, and I believed that it made no difference. Only, as you grew from a little rascal into a woman, I came to realize the mistake I had made. Like it or not, your reputation is tied to my own, and I knew that because of this I had doomed you.”
“So, it is about you?”
“No,” he said. “It is about you, Millicent. Knowing what I had done, I asked Celestine to fake an engagement with me so that we might fix my reputation. In so doing, I believed it would give you a real chance this Season. I did not want it, but I did it, and only because of you.” He looked down at her, his expression firm.
“Say what you will about me, but I do care about you, just as I want you to be happy.”
“But you…” She bit into her lip; clearly confused. “And your marriage? Was that all a trick?”
“No…” He smiled gently. “That was real. What started as a false engagement grew into something more. And because it did, I came to realize that marriage was not the trap I believed. In fact, by marrying Celestine I came to understand just how important it was that you might have the same. Or better.”
The words stung. While Edward knew them to be true, he had not spoken such things out loud before. His marriage to Celestine might have started strangely, but it grew into something else, something real… and something that he ruined.
“I had no idea…” Her voice dropped as if with shame.
“But I made a mistake,” he continued, his chest tightening.
“I became too obsessed with your future. I was so determined to see you happy that I lost sight of what I was doing. And when Lord Grundon appeared…” He clenched his jaw.
“As I said, I will not make excuses. And while I am not sorry for what I did, I am sorry for what it did to you. Please, Millicent… know that I am.”
The anger on his niece’s face faded. The fury behind her eyes vanished. What remained was a look of utmost sadness, guilt too, as if she had done something wrong.
“Oh, Edward…” She looked away. “I… I am sorry that I –”
“No,” he cut her off. “You have nothing to be sorry for.”
“But I do,” she continued, her voice cracking. “If Lord Grundon had not been so obsessed with me, this might have never happened.”
“Lord Grundon is obsessed with me, Millicent.” He reached down and took her hand, and he smiled when she did not pull away. “You were just caught in the middle of it.”
“What of Celestine?” she asked hopefully. “Is she… is she coming back?”
Edward winced, another stabbing pain felt in his chest.
“That I cannot say.”
“But why?” she cried.
“Because I…” A shake of the head. “I made another error. I lost sight of why we married, focused so much on Lord Grundon and what he did. I drove her away.”
“Then get her back.”
“It is too late for that.”
“No.” Her brow furrowed with determination. “I don’t believe that. And I don’t think that you do either. Celestine loves you, Edward. I know that she does.”
“You don’t know that…”
“But I do.” She looked at him with hope. “Whatever your marriage was, I saw you both together. And when I was mad at you, she defended you…” She grimaced. “I was furious that she did, but I see why now. She loves you. I know it.”
There was a part of Edward that wanted to believe that. There was another part that did believe it. But the final part held much doubt and would not be beaten back so easily.
Even if she did love him, Edward believed that he had ruined his chance with Celestine. She had come to him, she had asked for his trust, and he had turned her away. And why? For vengeance, something petty, and something that he no longer cared about.
“Maybe,” he said with a sigh. “But it is too late now.”
She shook her head. “No, I don’t… tonight!” She sat up. “The end of Season Ball. We are going, yes?”
Edward frowned. “I wasn’t sure if you would want to.”
She laughed. “I did not, but now I think that we should. Celestine might be there, Edward. Maybe she will even be there because she thinks you will be. She wants you to go to her…” Her smile grew, true belief felt throughout the room.
“She wants you to show her that you love her. You do love her, don’t you? ”
“I… I…” Edward hesitated, almost denied it, but in the face of Millicent’s excitement, he saw no reason to lie. Not to her. And certainly not to himself. “I think I do, yes.”
“Then it is settled.” She stood up. “I always thought that you wanted to be miserable, Edward.” Still holding his hand, she squeezed it.
“I thought you liked that about yourself. But after you married Celestine, I realized you weren’t miserable.
Not really. You were just lonely. But when she came into your life, that was gone and for the first time…
” Her smile grew. “You deserve to be happy, Edward. I just wish you’d stop thinking otherwise. ”
Happy… could Edward really be happy?
Once, such a state of being was little more than a dream, a rare one at that. For so long, he had not given thought to his own happiness, just as he refused to believe that he needed such a thing. But this past Season, so much had changed.
It wasn’t a question if Edward could be happy, because he had been. For those few weeks that he had been married to Celestine, happiness was undoubtedly what he had found. He had lived it. He had relished it. He had believed for a time that it might just be his future.
The contrast of that to this past week was undeniable, a return to how things had once been, and a reminder of what lay in store for Edward if he did not try. Yes, he was stubborn. Yes, he had made mistakes. But that did not mean he couldn’t change. Nor did it mean that he did not want to.
Millicent looked at him with hope, brimming enthusiasm, and belief in her words. She wanted this for him, and that she cared so much… it was enough to diffuse Edward’s doubt, to make him believe as he so needed to believe.
“Tonight,” he said. “Yes, I think I will go.”
“Yay!” Millicent cried.
“Just promise me one thing.” He made sure to look at her. “Whatever happens, whatever comes, that you will not let it ruin you. Your future is what matters most, Millicent.”
“No,” she said. “Both of us. And after tonight, well…” She took a deep breath and exhaled. “I just know things are going to change. It would be about time.”