17. Elspeth
Chapter seventeen
Elspeth
IN WHICH DISAPPOINTMENT DOESN’T FEEL SO DISAPPOINTING
C lass five binding.
Additional gravitas.
Only two ways.
Elspeth blinked at the page, struggling to comprehend what she'd read. Object-limited unilateral influencing bond. Words swirled around her head making her feel like she was spinning in circles.
It was silent in their cubby for a long while. Aegir's heat next to her permeated her clothing. Her throat felt as if it were being squeezed. Abruptly, she closed the book and snatched the next, the first of the two responses. Once more, they found the term "selkie" in the index and located the page .
As Nasstrom's primary sources for selkie bindings were off the Western coast, she originally questioned their validity for any other settlement of selkies. Perhaps she'd overestimated the importance of proximity. However, I was able to live with a settlement of selkie in the north-eastern ocean, and found it to be true, though I propose a modification of Nasstrom's original theory. Indeed, effect does seem to be limited to two types, and I concur on the first. However, my time among the people of Hillskerry has given me additional insight into the second of these properties.
While there, I eventually met an elderly couple who had both bound one another. He was a fisherman and had gotten lost at sea for over two weeks at one point. During that time, both were able to shift freely for the first three days. Beyond that, however, though I am unsure if it was tie or proximity, each was stuck in their most recent form. For the wife, this meant that she was awkwardly stuck in her selkie form until her husband was recovered, though he had not, he claimed, influenced her shift. Indeed, after that same time, he could not shift to his seal form until he returned to her. Both partners retained access to their pelts and I've been assured that in order to limit the shift, one must be in physical proximity.
I postulate, therefore, that upon the initiation of the binding, the blood of the binder essentially introduces an additional "step" in the connection between a selkie and their pelt. The binder acts as a "bridge" facilitating the shift, and both time and proximity seem to affect how easily this divide can be closed without the binder. Imagine, if you will, a selkie and their pelt on opposite sides of a body of water. Prior to the binding, the body of water is so small that they can simply swim over to reach their pelt, and subsequently, their shift. After a binding, it is as if there is only a single crossing that must be used in order to access the other bank, their binder. Time and proximity determine the width of the river, and so when their binder is gone for too long or too far away, they cannot access the other bank, no matter how they may try.
Finally, I would like to propose a third effect of the binding, though, like Nasstrom, this is based only on one settlement of selkies. Multiple bond owners reported an increased attachment at the beginning of their bond that surpassed their prior feelings but that faded after a few days, reportedly between three and five. After that period, all couples reported that their emotional state returned to comparable to prior to their bonding. Because all bonds surveyed were bi-directional, where each party bonded the other, it’s currently impossible to know if the bond affects both the bonded and bonder or just one party 1 .
Elspeth sat back in her chair. She'd hoped, somehow, that the second book would give better answers. Instead, it had confused her even more. The bond had affected her, but the effects had likely worn off over a week prior? Or perhaps it had only affected Aegir, and not her at all? Regardless, neither of them were affected now, nor would Feann be. It was a relief, if a confusing one, at that.
Next to her, Aegir flipped through the first book, scanning pages. "What are you looking for?" she asked.
"I'm trying to see if it has anything about breaking bonds," he said offhandedly.
"Oh." It shouldn't have hurt as badly as it did. She'd barely even thought through the implications of what she'd read and he was already looking for a way to break it? Wasn't it enough that everything she'd known was a lie? Wasn't it enough that the magical bond she'd idealized her entire life was nothing more than a string forcing two people together, forcing her to obey him? Wasn't it enough that—that—
Wasn't she enough? Blinking back tears, she did her best to control her voice. "Have you found anything?"
"Not yet," he said, eyes flying across the page.
Though she sat in the library, in Berggeheimnis, Elspeth was adrift on sea ice. She floated the ocean, just like her father, waiting for a predator to come put her out of her misery. Perhaps, now that she was nothing but an anchor, Aegir would do the job himself. Perhaps, when he realized how much she'd lied to him, through no intent of her own, he'd decide he'd had enough of it. He'd upended his entire life, and for what? He'd chased her through the ocean, compelled to be a bridge between her and her pelt, because of a single drop of blood.
It seemed he'd had enough of her, and could she blame him? Surely his feelings had been driven by suggestion. It was clear he was a randy fellow already, and so it wasn't a wonder that it had combined with the pull of the bond in how it had. That he'd believe her when she said that it was the bond creating the attraction... but now? Now, he knew. And perhaps, he still felt the same, but it was only because she was, as of yet, unattainable.
Her... affliction made her tantalizing, especially for someone who loved the chase. If and when he caught her, though, the appeal would wane, and he'd see. He'd resent her then, as perhaps he always should have, as she'd tied them together, with seemingly no benefit to either. She'd blamed him, but she held him captive just as surely .
"Damn," he muttered, lowering his head to the table.
"Nothing?"
"There is, it just seems impossible." Aegir raised his head and read from the book. "‘Bonds have, by all known accounts, only ever been broken by the destruction of the material that created the bond. For example, for those created by a binding of rope, the destruction of the rope would serve to sever the bond.' It talks about it more, but the general idea is that our bond is in my blood, so it sounds like unless I die, we are stuck with it."
Something about that didn't seem quite right to Elspeth. If he, or rather his blood, served as a bridge between her and her pelt...
"Unless your blood were to change..." she whispered.
"Elspeth! You're a genius!" Aegir hugged her and kissed the top of her head. He squeezed her to his side, ignorant of the storm that raged within her.
She'd wanted answers. She'd wanted to know about their bond. She'd thought that the answers would give her peace.
Next to her, Elspeth felt him tense. “What did I say?”
She owed him honesty, at least. Didn’t she? “Do you… want to break the bond?” Her voice sounded so small, but she needed to know.
Aegir was quiet for a moment. It stretched on and on, and Elspeth grew so nervous that she felt she might sick up.
“No, I don’t think I do.” He turned to face her fully, and laid his hand on the table, palm up, in invitation for hers. “I have never felt anything like I feel for you. And when we thought that the bond might be influencing our emotions… I’ll admit I wanted to know, and that I ascribed the depth of my feelings to that. When I read that it hadn’t been, I was elated, but I also immediately wanted to find you a way out. I don’t want you to be trapped with me, Elspeth. I want you to choose me. So, yes, I wanted to make sure we could break our bond, because that way, if we keep it, if you decide to keep it, it’s because you wanted it. You wanted us.”
Sniffling, Elspeth nodded. She leaned forward, needing to connect with him, and pressed her lips to his.
T he knowledge of their bond, and its bounds, thickened Elspeth’s thoughts as they left the library and bought her some knives and holsters. She was fitted for them and ostensibly gave feedback on them, but most of it passed in a blur.
Before long, they returned to Cat and Torsten’s only to find that Jokith had arrived with The Lady’s Revenge . The cozy house was full of noise and happiness, and Aegir fell into the same very joking pattern of behavior that he’d exhibited the night before. He chased the children around, and slapped his friends on the back, but Elspeth felt oddly removed from it, as if she were watching it all through a window. This Aegir was so different from the one she’d begun to know, he was so much more gentle with her. She’d come to think of the Aegir she knew as the truest version of him, but perhaps she didn’t actually know him at all. If this is who he was with his friends, perhaps he only treated her with caution because of her trauma. Was she, then, dooming him to a life of pretending?
“Are you well?” he asked after supper. “You seem quiet.”
“It’s been… quite the day.”
“Would you like to go to bed? We can stay on the ship tonight.”
“We can? ”
“Of course, let me just say goodnight.” Aegir hugged his friends and fetched their bags from upstairs before leading Elspeth back out into the evening. Another winding walk through the city brought them to a cove, still housed inside the mountain, and tension released from her shoulders upon seeing the strange little ship.
Once they were aboard and changed, they climbed into bed and Elspeth scooted back to Aegir’s chest. He wrapped his arms around her, enveloping her in warmth. After the ups and downs and the overwhelming din of Cat and Torsten’s house, being snuggled up with him was perfection.
“So…” he said. “My condolences.”
She turned her head to look back at him. “What? Why?”
“You have terrible taste. You actually like me, it’s not the bond.”
“You’re such a menace! That is what you got out of today? Not that you must actually like me too?”
“Oh, I already decided I didn’t care.”
“What do you mean?” she asked.
“That it felt too good, I didn’t care if it was artificial. I didn’t want it to end.”
“A menace and a sap?” she teased, reaching back to poke him.
“Excuse me, I prefer being a ‘ pathetic sod.”
“I see, I see, one visit to a library and you’re all pretentious now! Is this the newest version of you? Scholar Aegir?”
He chuckled behind her. “No, I don’t think I can manage another. Plus, I am a bit of a scholar in all of them, I like to think.”
“You’d have to be, to keep them all straight!” She huffed. She really didn’t know how he kept them all straight, she certainly couldn’t. Every time she closed her eyes he was someone different, or what she thought she knew about one changed.
He squeezed her and breathed into her hair. “In all seriousness though, I’m relieved, even if I am pathetic.”
“So am I.”
“Aw, we can be pathetic together!”
He growled into her neck, and she giggled, trying to push his head away. He laughed and captured her between his teeth, right where her shoulder and neck met. She froze, an instinctual prey response, but his tongue darted out and tickled the skin he'd caught. He sucked the skin and ran his hands up into her hair.
"Right here," he whispered into her neck, "Right here is where I'll bite you. "
"Bite me?" Elspeth asked. Perhaps it should have terrified her, but she found the idea oddly arousing.
"If you choose me, choose to stay. Back home, we mark our mates with a bite. This is where I'll put my mating bite. Right where everyone can see. I'll make sure I have my orca teeth at the time, so everyone will know it's my mark."
Elspeth smiled, though her voice was stern. "You get to bite me. What do I get?"
"Oh, you'll bite me right back, little siren, wherever you like, though I hope it's visible too."
He pulled back to stare at her, his eyes moving as if trying to gauge her reaction.
"Well, that's alright I suppose." Elspeth smiled, stretching beneath him so that she pressed her ass back into him. "Well, sir, what do you plan on doing with me tonight?"
"Oh my lady," Aegir said, affecting a posh accent. “I wouldn't presume to tell you. What would you have me do?”
He was being silly, but Elspeth could tell he was also being serious, giving her the option to decide. This, following instead of leading, didn’t seem to come naturally to him, she could see it in the stiffness of his shoulders. In every version of him she knew, he preferred being collected, in charge, and yet he offered to give that up for her. He stretched, he tried to grow—for her —the least she could do was afford him the same.
“I think," she ventured. "I'd like to start with trying to have you touch me. "
Even the thought made her nervous, but she didn't see how someone as experienced as Aegir would put up with being in a relationship where he couldn't even touch his partner's skin. Or worse, he would, but he deserved better. He deserved to know the feel of his lover's skin.
"I'd like that." His voice was husky, betraying how much the idea appealed.
With trembling fingers, Elspeth untied the bows at her shoulders and flipped the top of the chemise down so her breasts were bare.
Aegir stared at her, desire and hunger open on his face. She shivered and adrenaline coursed through her, though she truly wanted this to work.
"If you agree, I think I'll start with my mouth, since it seems more palatable to warm you up a bit."
"I think you just want your mouth on me," she chastised.
"Oh aye, that's true. I'll not lie about it. But I think it's best regardless."
"You're right, of course. "
With a smug smile, Aegir lowered himself to brush his lips lightly over the swell of her breast. It was the lightest touch, and his eyes were locked on her face to see her reaction. She nodded to him. So far, other than nerves, she only felt pleasure. Skittering excitement followed his lips as they traced a path down toward her nipple, and she gasped when he sucked it into his mouth. It wiped her mind and eased her worries. She was here, with Aegir, safe and cared for. The sweet suction of his mouth was decadent torture. He looked up at her and met her eyes before placing a hand gently on the skin of her shoulder. It felt normal, easy. Perhaps she'd only had the one episode and she wouldn't have the problem in the future. Aegir slipped his hand lower and around the bottom of her breast. He tested the heft of it and Elspeth smiled at him. This was working. All she needed to do was keep her eyes open.
That hand is Aegir, that mouth is Aegir. We're at his friend's house, on his boat, and I'm safe, and I love how he touches me. He's sweet and respectful, and so, so sexy.
The pleasure she'd felt with him before was building and lulling her to give into it.
Lips glistening with his saliva, Aegir lifted off her breast to add his other hand. He squished them together and flicked his thumbs across her nipples, zinging the feeling through her body until she shook with it.
"How are you doing, love?” he asked. "Still with me?"
"Yes," she gasped.
"Perfect," he said. With one hand, he pinched and tugged her nipple, and he moved the other just under her breast, to where her fur began. His touch was soft and reverent... but it didn't matter.
The second his hand brushed her hair, Elspeth's desire snuffed out. She froze and started feeling disconnected from her body. Before Aegir noticed, she tried to focus on the color of his hair, that it was black and white, and he was the one touching her—she wanted him to.
It didn't seem to matter. She floated away, entirely disconnecting from her body, because the alternative was to remember, and she refused to remember.
It only took a second for Aegir to notice, she realized vaguely. He'd sat up, his eyes focused intently down at her, but she barely registered it as something that was happening to her. He pulled the blankets up to shield her and lay down, close but not touching .
Elspeth floated in that between place where she'd lived for so long. Nothing could touch her there, and she simply existed.
After a while, she heard a sound, faint but soothing. It had a rhythm, vibrating her gently, but didn't seem to have words. It didn't demand her attention. It coaxed her sweetly until she felt safe to feel again.
When she came fully back into herself, the lights were low, and the curtain out into the city was drawn.
She turned her head, and Aegir was on his side, next to her. His eyes were closed, and he was humming. After listening for a moment, she realized it was the song she'd sung in the forest. The one he'd overheard when he'd returned from shopping. He missed a few notes and invented others in places, but it was soothing nonetheless. He blinked and stopped humming.
"Welcome back," he whispered.
Elspeth froze. Her mind stopped, and she held her breath. Aegir's presence had comforted her, but hearing him speak broke the spell. She had one job, to focus on the moment and allow herself to enjoy it. Was that really so hard? How could she fail so miserably? She was incredibly attracted to Aegir, she'd wanted this to work .
She was worse than a bad partner, she was an anchor, dragging behind him. He couldn't move on, couldn't live the life he wanted or even the life he'd been trapped in. No, with Elspeth he got a cursed half-life, and it was only a matter of time before he realized it and left her. He held her so sweetly, like she mattered to him, and her throat stung with choked back tears. What had happened to her was not his problem to fix, and it shouldn't be his burden to deal with.
She was strong, she could get by without him, but as much as she wanted him, as much as he was more than she could have ever dreamed, as much as he was passion incarnate, she refused to be the reason he was miserable. She could see it so clearly, for a time, they would be happy. Just long enough for them each to get a taste of how good it could be and then... they'd plateau. They'd never progress beyond what she was capable of, and he'd realize that they were doomed to live a half-life. She had to make sure they could break the bond, because just imagining the alternative was abhorrent.
As a selkie, she knew what being trapped felt like, and she wouldn't do that to him. She would not be the cage he rattled against or the noose he grew to detest .
He clung to her, the soft sounds of his breathing in her ear signaling that he'd gone to sleep. He deserved better than being trapped in a relationship that could never be what he needed. She had to break the bond, even if it meant breaking her own heart in the process.
T he scents and sounds of the ocean coaxed Elspeth to consciousness. No, not the scents and sounds of the ocean, though they were just as comforting. Instead, it was the scent of Aegir and the sound of breathing twined with the sound of water lapping on a dock. The rhythmic slap, slap, slap that she hadn't heard in years brought her back to days with her father on their boat. When they went to the mainland to sell fish, to trade for all else the people of Hillskerry might need, they'd sleep in the boat overnight, and she'd fall asleep and wake to the sound.
The reminder of him tore through her, visceral and bittersweet when she was already raw. Next to her, Aegir's heat was a balm, though it only reminded her of the devastating news they'd had. The evenness of his breathing indicated he was likely still asleep, though when she shifted, he reached out a hand to her and grumbled.
A lone lantern, mostly hooded, lit the room from where it swayed on a hook. His cabin looked exactly as she remembered it. Bookshelves lined the walls, stuffed to the gills. Now that she knew him, she could see pieces of Aegir all around her. A large built-in wardrobe likely held an inordinate amount of coats, and opened drawers revealed there were two dedicated to shirts, and the other she could see that looked to be only cravats. Another section of the wall held hooks bedecked with a bevy of hats, some in styles she couldn't even begin to identify.
Despite the railings that held books in, several had fallen from the shelves during transport, adding to the clothing that had fallen on the sumptuous rug. Every available space was filled, and it was apt, in a way, for a man so bursting with life.
Where will I put my things? She immediately stopped herself. As she gazed at the room, she pondered her place in all of this, but maybe that was the point. She wouldn't. She didn't fit into this.
And, after all, it turned out she didn't need to. Aegir didn't have to be saddled with her. He could release himself from her at any point, without even asking her, really. She could wake up any day, and it would be just her and her pelt once more. Thinking of it made her panic a bit until she realized it was laid over her like a blanket. She ran her fingers over it, feeling the smooth fur, sinking into the feeling of it and the dual sensation of it under her fingers and the mental sensation she received from her pelt.
"Ellie?" Aegir croaked. He pulled her into him, curling around her until she was surrounded by his scent. Her eyes stung, but she couldn't stop her tears. Aegir nuzzled his face into her neck, breathing deeply. "Morning," he whispered. "How are you feeling?"
"Is it morning?" she asked. She hadn't any idea how she was feeling, or rather, she felt too much to try to unravel at the moment.
"I'm honestly not sure, but it seemed like something to say... you worried me there. What happened?" He scoffed and shook his head. "Nevermind, I think I sort of know what happened. The news yesterday, though good, was a lot to take in. I’m not sure you were ready for touching yet." He stiffened. "Are you alright with me holding you like this? I'm sorry for not asking. Sleepy Aegir just grabbed, I guess."
"Mmm hmm," she hummed. "I like it." Her voice broke, and she squeezed her eyes shut. It might be the last time.
"I think... I think we need to talk about what we found out, Ellie. It was, as you said, a lot."
Elspeth frowned. "What is there to say? Half of what I thought about the bond, maybe more, isn't true, and it doesn't matter anyhow because—" The words stuck in her throat. Saying it would make it real.
But not saying it would only prolong her torture.
"Because you can break the bond. So, we might as well get it over with, I suppose."
Aegir recoiled. "Is that what you want?"
"Is it what you want? My choice hasn't ever really weighed into this."
"Exactly." Aegir pushed himself up onto an elbow, so he looked down at her. “Neither of us has had a choice. I wasn't happy with the news because I don't want this. I was happy because I wanted us to have a choice. I wanted you to have a choice."
He toyed with her hair and Elspeth was certain she'd never seen anything more beautiful than his face in the dim light of the lantern. His skin was the creamy peach of his human coloring, though he retained the large, rounded ears he had in his humanoid orca form. She loved how expressive his ears were. Now, they were perked high next to his face, tense with vulnerability. His thick brows were drawn together, and his mouth was set in a tense line. To anyone else, he might have seemed less handsome than normal. He did have a devastating smile, but she knew this was an Aegir few saw. This was Aegir with his soul shining through his eyes, laying himself bare.
Further, he was doing so because he cared about her ability to have a choice. Perhaps that was what truly made him so handsome in that moment—the care he had for her.
"Really?"
"Really," he said, settling down next to her again and pulling her close. "Now, we can decide, you and I, together, if this is something we want. I don't want you to be with me because you are stuck with me, Elspeth. I want you to be with me because you want me. And I hope you'd feel the same."
"It really was horrid, wasn't it?" she asked. "Wondering if we'd choose one another, if it was all fabricated?"
"It was. Eventually, I made peace with it, but it really took me a bit. It went counter to my debonaire man-about-town image, you know. How was I to fuck my way across the world if you were the only person I wanted?"
"Guess you'd just have to fuck me all over the world?" she quipped.
"Guess so," he said, leaning down to kiss her. As soon as their lips touched, however, she remembered the horrible failure of their last attempt. The joy drained from her kiss and threatened to spill out of her eyes.
Aegir removed his hand from where he'd grasped it in her hair.
"What is it?"
"You can't fuck your way across the world, you can't even fuck me at all," she wailed. She sounded so pathetic, but she was beyond controlling her voice. Despair clung to her very being, dragging her down. They had a choice now, and apparently she was the only one who saw that choosing her would still be a trap.
"Elspeth, do you really think that is a worthy goal? Do you really think that is something that is important to me?"
"Yes?"
He opened his mouth to speak, but loud knocking on the door interrupted him.
1. In subsequent testing, it was revealed that these bonds release a burst of oxytocin in both parties, presumably to cement the bond and protect both parties. Though the time for dissipation varied among participants, this artificially increased level was invariably processed by all study participants by five days post bond. (Oxytocin Release at Bonding. Yarnelle, 993)