Chapter Eight
DEAREST CAY,
I hope this letter finds you well and adjusting to Hartland life! I know you must be freezing your adorable tush off up there in Wyoming. It's 78 degrees here in Miami today—perfect beach weather, which makes me think of our spring break trips. Remember when we built that ridiculous sand castle that kept collapsing? Meanwhile, I checked the forecast for Hartland and nearly had a heart attack when I saw it was -12 this morning.
MINUS TWELVE, CAY! How are you even surviving?
I'm sorry it's taken me so long to write back. Ellana caught a cold that turned our household upside down for a week (toddler snot is EVERYWHERE), and then Raj had a diplomatic thing I had to attend. Which brings me to the part of this letter I've been dreading to write...
I saw your parents at an Afxisi event. Raj and I were seated with Helios and the others, but we bumped into them on the red carpet. We said hi, of course. I was hoping they'd ask about you. I even mentioned something about Dr. Yay. But they were just their usual poker-faced selves. I'm sorry, Cay. Let's just keep praying.
I wish I had better news about Claude to balance things, but it's all just the same, sadly. Well, except for the part about these rumors of Claude being disinherited. No idea if any of it is true.
Oh, wait, there is some good news. Or sort of. Joan, Claude's grandmother, was also at the same party. She asked about you! It was easy to tell that she missed you a lot.
We all do, really.
But...I can't say I'm sorry that you're there. And I don't think you are either even if being away from everyone makes you sad. Raj, Ellana, and I hope to visit you and the baby soon. We might not be by your side right now, but God is with you, and He loves you so much. He sees your pain, Cay. He knows what you had to sacrifice to do what's right, and He's so proud of you for finding the courage to see it through. We're all proud of you. We love and miss you lots!
XOXO
Story
P.S. Have you found out what your baby's gender is?
Tears blur my vision, but unlike the sobs that used to rack my body for hours, they run down slowly and softly on my cheeks. Being reminded of my old life still hurts, but not as much as before. I used to think time could heal all wounds, but ever since leaving Miami and learning how to live on my own and for someone else...
Everything I used to know and believe in, everything's changed now.
My whole life, God was simply this invisible force that I knew was good. But that was it. He never figured in the equation, and I realize now He never would have if I hadn't lost everything...in order to realize I had nothing without Him in the first place.
How are you so good to me, God?
Because I love you.
How can You forgive me when my parents can't even bear the sight of me?
Because I love you. And so do your parents, even if it may not seem so right now.
I just feel like a failure at times.
You are My beloved child, Acacia, and so is the baby you have in your womb. Both of you are My creation, and all that I create are good. Have faith in Me. I will be with you to the end of times.
ANOTHER WEEK PASSES , and it's a week that has me constantly fighting the urge not to text Ronan. But it's getting harder each day.
I'm not sure if it's a coincidence, but I seem to hear his name wherever I go. I'm at the flower shop one time, and its owner Ethan asks very casually if I wanted to be set up on a blind date with one of his friends. Guess who?!
I'm having lunch at Redwood Cafe when two female tourists walked in, both of them gushing about how "lucky" they were to have this little accident. Why, you ask? Because they got to visit the clinic and meet the local doctor, whose name I really do not want to think about.
I don't want to keep hurting and disobeying You, God.
But I also know I can't do this on my own.
What do You want me to do about Ronan?
My quiet life in Hartland has made me closer to God. And while that's never a bad thing, it's also made me see that there's still so much of my life I need His help with. Sex with Ronan was insanely addictive. He made me feel things I never thought were possible to feel. Made me do things I never thought I could. But at the end of the day, sex was just sex. Sex didn't last...the same way the love I once thought was for eternity didn't last.
Claude and I had started dating in high school. I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with him. And even though I had noticed how he seemed to have changed over the years, I still thought we were endgame. Until we weren't.
Claude had started pressuring me to have sex with him since we entered college, and after so many years of saying no, I had finally said yes.
I'm hurting so bad.
No one loves me.
You're the only one who loves me.
But if you keep saying no, it's like I have no one.
He needed me. I loved him. And so I gave in.
Because that was how I used to define love.
You do what the other person wanted, always.
Shame engulfs me when I recall how foolish and gullible I was. The only boy I ever loved...guilt-tripped me into giving him my virginity. And that same boy didn't hesitate to dump me when he found out I was carrying his baby.
Seeing Claude's true colors had cured me of my heartbreak, and I honestly thought I was over men for good...until him.
Ronan .
Memories flood my mind, and I can feel my cheeks turning hot even when I'm alone in my room. I've met other good-looking guys before, and Claude himself wasn't terrible to look at. So why then? Why was Ronan able to affect me in a way no other man could?
And why do I have to meet him now when it feels like it's too late?
Why now...when God's already made clear that this time...
He already has a plan, and the next man I'll kiss is the man I'll be married to for the rest of my life.