Chapter 10
Deacon
I lifted the strap on my shoulder, the weight of the books a comfort, like having a pack on my back again.
I shifted right to avoid running into two young students, both on their phones.
God, they all looked young, and I felt ancient at thirty-four.
I took the stairs two at a time. I wasn’t in a hurry, but it was a test to see if I could, an inch of progress in what was more like a marathon, but still progress.
The second level was mostly empty this time of day, and I cut through the building toward the parking garage.
The building was old and in need of renovation, and I kept an eye out around every darkened corner.
From behind me, I heard a burst of laughter, and I glanced over my shoulder to see two guys a little younger than me laughing and walking into the Veterans Center at one end of the floor, a sign above the door advertising the space.
I heard more laughter from inside and turned abruptly to keep moving.
The laughter reminded me of Cruz and the rest of the unit, and I half expected to hear Simms telling a dirty joke.
I sucked in a breath through my nostrils and let it out slowly.
Some of the guys used to talk about what they’d do when they got out, imagining the freedom of it.
I never did, and everything about it still felt wrong, especially ending things like I did with a freak injury that put others at risk.
My body had failed me, and I’d failed my team.
I didn’t belong in there—I didn’t deserve it yet.
I was looking at my phone, scrolling Instagram, when I collided with someone. “Shit,” I said, surveying the books that had fallen to the ground. “Sorry.”
“No problem,” she said, eyes narrowing on me for a moment. It took me a second to recognize her, but then I saw a flash of the tattoos on her arm. “Deacon, right? We have econ together.”
“Yeah,” I said, handing her a thick math textbook. “Kelly?”
“That’s me.” She held out a hand to shake and gripped my hand like she was used to dealing with men who underestimated her. She looked me over, not in a sexual way but like she was assessing. “Army?”
“Air Force,” I said.
She nodded, looking me over again. “I’m going to the Vet Center to study. You want to join me?”
I shook my head. “Just heading home.”
She studied my face intently. Normally, I would have flashed a smile and flirted my way out of the conversation, but I didn’t get a sense that would work here. “You been out long?”
“Couple years.” I shifted the strap on my shoulder. “You?”
“Three.” She shifted her hold on the books and pointed over my shoulder at the center. “It’s a good spot. Good people. Come by sometime.”
“Yeah,” I said with a nod. “Maybe.”
She smiled, her demeanor relaxing. “That your polite way of telling me to fuck off and leave you alone?” She laughed, and the sound put me at ease, then she held up a hand before I could correct her.
“I get it. But I know from experience it helps to find a group, and I don’t give up.
” She walked around me and called over her shoulder, “You’ve been given notice! ”
I returned the wave and continued toward my truck.
I’d been tempted to check out the center, but every time I came close, I’d get this overwhelming sense of wrongness, that everyone in there would know I’d had to stop serving, and not because my contract was up or due to a combat- or service-related injury or trauma.
I knew deep down I was a quitter because I let that little growth on my spine put my unit in danger.
I didn’t want to risk needing to admit that until I knew I was going back and could get a chance at redemption.
I was still thinking about it when I pulled into our driveway. Jayden was out on his porch with a book in front of him, and I walked across the small lawn. “Whatcha reading, kid?”
Jayden held up the book. I read the cover, falling into the seat on the other side of the small table. “Legendborn by Tracy Deonn. Fitting. You’re a pretty legendary guy.”
Jayden rolled his eyes and set the book aside. “Yeah, falling down the stairs on the way to basketball tryouts and then crying was real legendary.”
“Memorable.” I looked at the chessboard still set from our last game. “That girl you like came to your rescue, though, right? Sophia? Women love a man with a sensitive side. Nothing wrong with crying.”
He laughed and motioned to the board. “Your girl give you extra hugs when you cried about losing to me yesterday?”
“Not my girl,” I said, moving my first piece. I didn’t mind the sound of the words, though. She’d looked really good with her new hairstyle, brighter somehow when she smiled. “My friend,” I repeated, more for my benefit than his understanding. “And bring it on.”
We went a few rounds without more conversation until Jayden spoke up. “I’ve read this before,” he said. “Read the whole series, actually. I, uh, started writing my own.”
“Yeah?” I winced as he captured my knight but sat back in my chair. I’d helped out his mom when he was first in the cast, pitching in if they needed something, but the kid was cool as hell. I wasn’t even surprised to hear he’d started writing a novel before he needed to shave. “What’s it about?”
“It’s an urban fantasy novel. Just something I’m playing around with.” He studied the board, his lips tipping in a grin when I moved my bishop, and I knew I’d fucked up—exactly how and why would probably be clear in a few moves. “Kinda always wanted to be a writer.”
“That’s awesome.” I toyed with my rook, looking for a tell on his face. Sometimes I wished he wanted to play basketball or toss a football—I was way out of my depth with chess. “Can’t wait to read it.”
“What did you want to be?” he asked. “You know, when you were my age. If you can remember that far back.” He captured another of my pawns and sipped from his water bottle, a green plastic one covered in stickers. “I know spending time with young people is probably good for keeping your mind sharp.”
I barked out a laugh at his audacity—he’d surprise me like that sometimes. “I’m only in my thirties. I oughta kick your butt. This is why people don’t like smart-asses.” I took advantage of him being distracted and captured his knight.
“Thirty is ancient. And you’d fight a kid in a cast? For shame.” He smiled and moved a pawn into position. “And check. You clearly didn’t dream of being a professional chess player as a kid.”
I shifted my king to safety. “And spend my life with smug opponents like you? No thanks.” I snagged my water bottle from my backpack I’d dropped on the porch.
“I wanted to be a firefighter when I was real little, then a doctor, but I didn’t think I was smart enough.
Once I found the military, that was it for me, though. ”
“I worry about that,” he said, studying the board again. “If I’m smart enough to write a book. If I’m good enough.”
“You’re going to let this go to your head, but…” I said, hearing the uncertainty behind all the bravado in his voice. It reminded me a little of how Willow spoke sometimes. “You’re one of the smartest people I’ve ever met. I’m sure you’re smart enough to write a book.”
He didn’t look up from the board, but his lips tipped up again for a second.
“I’m sorry I called you ancient. You’re just, like, regular old,” he said, but the humble uncertainty was gone, and he just looked cocky again and laughed.
“You’re not in the military anymore, though.
What are you gonna do now? I’m trying to picture you as like a businessman or a teacher or something. ”
I shook my head. I hated the “what’s next” question and I felt it every month when the military disability benefits hit my bank account.
It was like a monthly reminder of my failure to continue doing the job.
I only spent what I had to and set the rest aside.
I didn’t want the money, but I couldn’t explain all that to Jayden.
“Nah,” I said, trying to move my king to safety after he put me in check again.
“I never want to have to wear a suit, and I couldn’t put up with a whole class full of kids like you. ”
“There’s no one like me, son.” Jayden’s eyes flashed and he actually kind of sounded like me, and he probably was a little cockier since we’d been hanging out. I took some pride in that. “And checkmate.”
We talked for another thirty minutes or so until he had to get to his homework.
He’d told me the plot of his novel and talked about school.
Jayden asked tough questions sometimes, kind of like Willow.
I hadn’t been ready for hers the night before, the ones that hit too close to home, but I’d been tempted to tell her something real.
In the twilight, with the fireflies buzzing around us, being with her felt like being somewhere special.
I wondered how her painting plan was going and pulled my phone from my pocket.
Willow: I might have gotten in a little over my head.
Deacon: Did you accidentally paint Gus? Cruz might not notice…
Willow: He’d notice and be concerned, given the color I picked. But can you bring the ladder from the basement to the second floor the next time you come by? I’ve been trying to get it off the wall and up the stairs.
I chuckled and imagined her trying to get the bulky thing up the stairs. I’d told Cruz it was stupid to keep it stored there when the garage was closer, but he insisted on the basement.
Deacon: Is there any significance to the ladder? You’re not re-doing the first time your ex fell off one and you had to save him or something, are you?
Willow: In this case, a ladder is just a ladder.
Willow: And at 5’3”, I was overconfident.
When I walked in the house to change clothes, Emi was perched on the couch with an e-reader and motioned to the phone in my hands. “Who has you smiling like that?”
“Just a funny TikTok video,” I said. I shoved the phone in my pocket, but not before tapping out a quick reply to Willow.
Deacon: I’ll be over soon.