Chapter 19
Willow
Break a rule
Holding hands
Deacon kept eyeing his watch as we sped toward downtown, the roads speckled with the first stage of morning traffic and the ethereal look of the sky shifting from black to a muted bluish gray ahead of sunrise.
I thought I’d spend this day sad and alone, and the unexpected way it was starting left me feeling off-balance.
“Will you tell me what we’re doing? Is the rule we’re breaking the speed limit on I-235?”
He glanced over after merging into the right lane. “I guess two rules,” he said, taking the exit. His hair was damp and he smelled like chlorine. I inhaled the scent—a weird favorite. “And did you just smell me?”
My face flushed. After letting Gus out, I’d had no time for anything other than pulling on a bra and a sweatshirt with some jeans I’d worn the day before. I was suddenly very aware of my messy ponytail and bare face and flip-flops. “No,” I lied.
“I was at the pool,” he said. “Didn’t have time to shower yet.”
I bet Deacon looked good wet with his hair slicked back and water sluicing off his taut stomach. I cringed at my own thoughts and looked out the window instead of at his forearm as he turned the steering wheel.
“That makes two of us.”
He leaned toward me and inhaled dramatically.
“Ew!” I slid away and against the door, mortified.
He laughed, a low rumble I felt in my belly. “See? Not so nice when someone does it to you, is it?”
It had been nice for a second, when he leaned in, before I realized I didn’t remember if I’d put on deodorant. “I apologize for sniffing you,” I said contritely as he slowed down to stop at a red light on the uncrowded street. “I just really like how chlorine smells.”
“Me, too.” He nodded like he was cataloging the detail. “So, what was your first rule-breaking experience? Need to know what I’m up against here. Was it a felony-level rule break?”
I laughed at the idea. “It was skipping school one afternoon my senior year to see a movie with Spencer.”
“Some real Bonnie and Clyde shit,” he said, flashing me a grin.
I chuckled again at the memory of planning how we’d evade detection and how giddy and adult it had felt to forge notes from our parents about excused absences.
“So, no felony, but for two kids with perfect attendance and on the honor roll, it felt pretty scandalous.” That was a good memory, actually.
We’d laughed and spent the afternoon making plans for the future.
My smile fell a bit when I backed up to what Deacon had said.
“We’re not heading into a felony this morning, are we? ”
“Misdemeanor at worst.” He pulled along the sidewalk on Grand in the East Village and cut the engine. “We’re here.”
“A…hotel?” It looked like a nice hotel, and my mind flooded with wildly inappropriate ideas about what he had in mind.
“C’mon!” He climbed out of the cab of the truck, grabbing a duffel bag from the back.
He was around to my side before I could get the door open, and he offered his hand as I attempted to climb down.
Men and their big trucks—I was too short for this one, and I stumbled into his chest on the way out of the cab.
Deacon didn’t let go of my hand as he led me into the main entrance and paused, looking around until a young guy in a vest walked out from behind the check-in counter. “Cutting it close,” he said, tossing Deacon a key card. “You don’t know me if you get caught.”
“Never met you before in my life,” Deacon said, catching the card. “Thanks, man.” With no more explanation, Deacon hustled me toward the elevator, which opened immediately, and a wave of the card granted us access to the floor he wanted.
“Who was that?”
“TJ. We used to hang together at a bar near the house. I helped him out when he first met his now wife. Like a relationship coach.”
“A coach? I’ve never heard you talk about dating anyone.” I really just imagined him standing in a bar and women just appearing beside him ready to hook up. I truly had no idea how that conversation might go—that seemed like advance maneuvering, though. “What was this coaching?”
The bark of laughter filled the slow elevator as we climbed to the top floor.
“I gave him date ideas. Just because I don’t use the knowledge doesn’t mean I don’t have it.
” He still held my hand and gave it a squeeze.
Deacon was always warm, and his hand around mine was distractingly nice as we rode to the top floor.
The doors opened to a dark floor, and Deacon tugged me forward to what looked like a bar, but it was closed.
“We can’t break in here,” I said, as he approached the door and looked left and right.
Deacon scanned the card and the door clicked open.
“We’re not.” He nudged me forward and tugged me along a wall toward a door that led to a patio.
“We have a key. It’s trespassing at worst.” His voice was a low whisper, and we pushed through the glass door onto the patio, which offered a clear view of the city below.
“Wow,” I said, pausing and looking around. “This is incredible.”
“I know.” He guided me to a couch near the plexiglass railing and he sat down next to me. “The sun will be up soon.”
My heart was doing a two-step. “You brought me to watch the sunrise?”
He shrugged. “It’s one of my favorite places in the city, and TJ said no one would be up here for a couple of hours.
” As he pointed east where the crown of gold was just beginning to fill the sky, I marveled at this entire situation.
I didn’t have the words, because I’d been dreading how this day would feel, and it was already a hundred miles away from what I expected.
“Will we get in trouble?” A breeze kicked up, and I wrapped my arms around myself, but Deacon was already rubbing his hands up and down my arms. The friction of his touch warmed me all over as his body surrounded me.
“I don’t think so,” he said. “But if we do, you run for the elevator.” He pointed to the door we’d come through, and his thickly muscled arm was solid against me. “I’ll take the heat.”
“That’s chivalrous,” I said, leaning in.
“And look!” I pointed to the bright spot on the horizon where the sun had crested.
It had been a long time since I’d been up early enough to see the sunrise, so I was genuinely excited to watch it, especially from this spot and next to Deacon. “Thank you for bringing me up here.”
His hand fell from my shoulder, and he reached for the duffel bag, pulling out a white paper bag and a little plastic bottle of orange juice.
“Cruz said it was your mom’s birthday today.
” He handed me the juice and pulled chocolate cupcakes from their plastic packaging, the kind with the little white swirls of icing on top.
“It’s not much of a cake, but it’s the best I could find at the gas station.
I thought you might want to celebrate her. ”
With the golden light of dawn spilling over us both and the city spread out below, tears welled in my eyes, and I nodded, not sure what to say.
I missed her. Before everything went down with my dad, she’d loved birthdays.
Sitting here, I felt all my feelings toppling down around me.
Sadness she was gone. Longing for the happy days.
And then there was something else, something I’d had on my mind for days—what she’d say about re-dos.
“Is that okay?” He studied my face. “I can also just stand guard and give you some time to be alone.”
I nodded again, still agreeing that it was okay, but then shook my head from side to side.
He tucked a curl over my ear. “I don’t know if I know what that means, Low.”
I shook my head once more and then wrapped my arms around him, burying my face in the crook of his neck. “Don’t leave. This is perfect,” I said against his skin and felt his hand rest on my back. Another breeze kicked up around me, but in Deacon’s warm hold, it wasn’t cold.
When I finally let go of him, his expression looked a little dazed, and I’d probably made it weird holding on to him for so long, but he handed me a cupcake without commenting. “You know your brother is a man of few details. Tell me about her.”
“About my mom?”
“Yeah,” he said, cracking open the orange juice and taking a sip before handing it to me. “What were her favorite things?”
I searched the sky and took a sip from the bottle, letting the sweet juice wash over my tongue.
I’d spent so much time thinking about how her life ended.
I hadn’t thought about other things in a long time.
“She loved to bake,” I said. “And to garden. We used to have these incredible gardens with roses and dahlias and all her favorites. She’d spend hours out there and come inside covered in dirt.
” I giggled and slapped my hand over my mouth.
“She’d track mud into the house all the time.
Our carpets would just be filthy.” I grinned at the memory, and Deacon leaned back against the couch, his arm stretched behind me.
“Well, who ever worried about a little dirt?”
“Exactly.” I nodded, remembering her saying things like that all the time. “Maybe I should plant some flowers, just in pots or something. I never did at our old place.”
“Sounds like a good idea.” He held out his cupcake to mine for a toast. “To dirt?”
I wiped a tear from my face and tapped my cupcake to his then took a bite of the sugary cake.
The boxes Cruz mentioned were still in the basement—I hadn’t opened them yet, but I wanted to tackle it.
I could take that off Cruz’s shoulders—we’d just thrown everything in boxes after she died.
I barely remembered even doing it. They were in a neat stack in the corner, and I planned to get to it this week.
“She liked taking action. She’d hate that I’m spinning my wheels,” I said before taking another bite of the sweet chocolate in the cupcake.
She’d been the one to drive me to my volunteer job at the humane society until I got my license.
She loved that I wanted to be a veterinarian.
“She’d always tell me if you’re bored, you’re boring. ”
“You’re not boring.” Deacon had a tiny smear of chocolate at the corner of his lip, and I slid my thumb over it on instinct, noticing his eyes widening at the too-familiar touch, but he spoke before I could apologize. “Are you bored?”
“No.” I thought about it. “Sometimes. I’ve always worked, and now my only real responsibility while I’m here is taking care of Gus.”
“I feel that way sometimes. I’m doing school full-time and I’m at the gym training, but I miss being busy.
Jayden said I should fill my time with some chess lessons.
” He laughed, and I heard the affection for the kid in his voice.
He said he was helping out a neighbor, but I got the sense Deacon really liked spending time with him.
“I was thinking of looking for a volunteer job with animals. It might be nice to have somewhere to go, and I loved working at the humane society when I was a teenager.” In the back of my mind, I also thought about Des’s recommendation about getting more volunteer hours.
“Plus that kind of thing never hurts if I decide to go back to school.”
“You should,” he said. “Another ex-less re-do?”
I shook my head. I’d always done that one myself. I thought about that. This would have nothing to do with me being ready for my next relationship. It would just be for me, and I could use more of that. I took another bite of the cupcake. That felt like a fitting realization on my mom’s birthday.
“I can’t believe you did this,” I said, looking at the flow of cars along the streets as the city came to life.
“It’s nothing,” he said, pulling me against him, his hand resting on my shoulder.
It was, though. I took another bite of the cupcake and rested my head against his shoulder, thinking about Mom and what she’d think of this, of this man sneaking me into a rooftop bar to celebrate her.
I wiped a tear from my eye. She’d be tickled by it.
Completely tickled, and I’d kind of forgotten how her face lit up when she was excited about something.
I hadn’t seen it a lot since the divorce, and it was nice to picture it.
I subtly inhaled the scent of chlorine on his body, then finished my cupcake with the city spread out before us.
“You sniffed me again,” he said, the weight of his arm on my shoulder comfortably warm in the morning breeze. “I’ll let it slide this time.”
I felt his chin on the top of my head. He was wrong. It wasn’t nothing. This felt like everything.