Chapter 29
29
Wale_Memoir_Draft1.doc
Target word count: 18,000
Current word count: 15,108
Just over three weeks to go …
Over the next few days, Fonzo’s interview continues to whir in my head, so I set up camp in a café near my flat to continue working on Wale’s memoir. Wale has a few press commitments, so I won’t be able to see him until later on during the week.
The more I find out about Wale, the more I realize that I hardly knew him at all. I was so blinded by his charisma and good looks and maybe even the excitement of getting into a relationship that I didn’t want to accept that he was emotionally unavailable.
It’s like having a chocolate cake. You know it isn’t healthy and has a ton of calories. And yet, you have it anyway because it looks good and it also makes you feel good – until it doesn’t.
Wale made me feel good. Better than good, even. He made me feel alive. He made me feel happy. Special. Chosen. And yet, I felt these things without him being completely vulnerable with me. Maybe I was in love with the idea of being in love. And who can blame me? How often do you meet the man of your dreams in person and have an instant connection with them so electrifying you can’t imagine life before they were in it?
My feelings for him then were loud. Like a swarm of bees that never stopped buzzing.
But my feelings now are different. They’re quiet. Deep. Growing in depth and intensity the more layers he peels back and the more I discover about him. He feels something too – I sense it – but he’s following my lead, gauging each interaction, being patient, playing chess. At some point, though, we’re going to have to have a conversation. What do we both want from each other once the memoir project is done? Let’s be real. We’ve crossed the line of keeping things ‘professional’ a long time ago.
After I end up rewriting a paragraph for the third time, I stop. I can only do so much. I need to get the full story about Cammie. From Wale.
I grab my phone and message him, asking if he’s got time to fit in a quick meeting. Forty minutes later, I receive a text from Wale saying that he’s waiting outside in his car. I gather my belongings and go out to meet him.
‘I could have met you in the café,’ he says as I shut the door behind me.
I lean over to give him a hug and get a lungful of his scent; half cologne, half something distinctly his. ‘It’s okay,’ I tell him, sitting back. ‘I actually wanted to speak to you in private.’
Wale looks at me as if we’re about to talk about something serious. He angles himself towards me. ‘Okay, but first: how did it go with Mayee?’ he says.
His question takes me by surprise – not because I hadn’t anticipated it, I just wasn’t expecting it yet. Thankfully, I had already thought about what I was going to say.
‘I told her the truth.’ My voice comes out crisp and clear.
‘You did? Wow. How did she take it?’
After talking it out with Shona, I had decided there was no point telling Wale about The Ultimate Payback , especially as it might end up leading to nothing. I would just be causing a fire for no reason. Why ignite the flame? And yet, something is nudging me to tell Wale the entire truth.
‘She was really disappointed in me, Wale, so I …’
Wale puts a hand on my shoulder, empathy flooding his eyes.
I swallow my words. ‘So, I told her I was extremely sorry. And asked her to give me a second chance.’
Wale nods. ‘I’m proud of you, Tems,’ he says, giving my shoulder a squeeze. ‘And you should be proud of yourself. What you did takes guts.’
His words tighten my throat and I can barely hear myself when I say, ‘Thanks.’ Except I don’t feel proud – I wish I could be completely honest with him, but something is preventing me from telling him about The Ultimate Payback.
‘I take it she didn’t let you go, then?’
‘No.’ My voice comes out a strangled whisper from the discomfort of it all. I decide to change tack. ‘Wale, can I talk to you about something?’
‘Yeah, sure.’ He adjusts his sitting position again.
‘Did Cammie cheat on you?’ I ask in one breath.
Wale’s lips part. He stares at me, unblinking, like a frozen still. He clears his throat. ‘Fonzo messaged me that you interviewed him.’
‘In his defence, he didn’t say it outright. Wale, that must have been heartbreaking. Why didn’t you tell me?’
Wale purses his lips as if he’s giving my question serious thought. ‘Record me,’ he says.
I’m so taken aback by his words that it takes me a second to understand what he means. I snap into action, get out my phone and hit record.
‘It was savage – the way I found out,’ he says with mock humour. But I can tell from the way he takes a deep breath that he’s still trying to work through the hurt, make sense of it all. Cammie and Wale broke up two years back, which isn’t that long ago. I’m still working through my baggage with Seth seven years later so I’m familiar with how long it can take.
‘In hindsight,’ he carries on, ‘the signs were there.’ He looks reflective. ‘She kept blowing me off, saying she was too busy studying. She was doing her Masters up in Hull. So, one day, I thought I’d do the sweet boy thing and drive up to surprise her.’ When he sees my expression, he says, ‘Yeah, I know. Five hours. In the rain too.’
‘Then what happened?’ I ask gently. Wale has gone silent. He’s staring out of the front window at the silver parked car in front. I hate seeing him like this. I know how it feels to be betrayed. To be blindsided.
‘There was a Sainsbury’s not too far from where she was staying,’ he says finally, dragging a hand over his mouth. ‘I stopped off to grab a bottle of wine. And who did I see holding hands with another man in the alcohol aisle?’
Despite myself, my mouth falls open. I can’t imagine the depth of betrayal he’d felt.
‘And what did you do?’ I ask softly. Wale has fallen silent again. He looks so bereft, I wonder if he’s trying his best not to cry. And then, eventually, he says, ‘Nothing. I did absolutely nothing. Well, not there and then. I did confront her on the phone later on. But in the moment …’ He shakes his head. ‘I froze.’
I reach past the gearstick and put a hand on his knee. My chest physically aches as if it’s been cracked. I know what that feels like – to not do anything in the moment. To live with regret.
Wale swipes the back of his hand under his nose. He sniffs. ‘I went back to my car,’ he says. ‘And I waited. I waited until they came out. And when they did, I watched them. They were smiling, laughing, holding hands still. She got into his car. He drove a Porsche. You know, as I was sitting there, I was observing every little detail so that I could use it to confront her later. At least, that’s what I told myself to make me feel better for not doing anything. When, really, I was sizing up the guy. Comparing myself to him. He was hench. Well put-together. Going by his car, he was obviously making good money. He seemed –’ Wale’s throat juts out as he swallows – ‘much more of a man than me.’
I squeeze his knee then; my heart breaking into a million pieces. Wale places his hand over mine. I feel glad that I’m here to provide comfort in this moment. As he has been doing for me.
‘How did she react when you did speak to her?’ I gently stroke my thumb over his skin.
‘Hysterical,’ he replies. ‘Though I think she was more upset that she got caught. She couldn’t stop saying how sorry she was, that she didn’t mean to hurt me. But not once did she fight for me. Not that I would have taken her back,’ he adds quickly. ‘But at least that would have made me feel that she actually did love me. It was like I meant nothing to her. That she was only with me because she felt sorry for me.’
I shake my head, enraged and disturbed in equal parts. His every word crushing my soul. ‘Gosh, I can’t imagine how you must have felt. How does one even get over that?’
‘Yeah, I was in a dark place,’ Wale says, staring off. ‘I shut out the world around me, became a recluse, bottled all my feelings. Not even Fonzo could get through to me. Though it was him who suggested I sign up to the gym after I said I didn’t need therapy. He thought it would help get my mind off things. And that’s how I met Kojo,’ he says, turning his head towards me a little.
‘It’s okay.’ I squeeze his hand. ‘Go on.’
‘I was in the changing room,’ Wale continues, ‘and I just broke down. It was Kojo who found me. I was a mess. He said, “Yo, bro,” put a hand on my shoulder and gave me a hug. It meant a lot.’ He sits in the silence before carrying on. ‘Here was I, a complete stranger, getting snot on another grown-ass man’s clothes.’ He chokes out a small laugh. ‘Kojo took me for a drink. I told him everything. He listened.’
Now it all makes sense .
‘Kojo helped you get back on your feet,’ I say as Wale retreats into another one of his quiet moments.
He closes his eyes briefly and draws a long stream of air into his nose. ‘Yeah,’ he says, breathing out. ‘We started hanging out together, going to the gym. He even came with me to get my first tattoo. He encouraged me to work on myself, not necessarily to prove something to my ex, but to do it for me. And that’s what I did.’ He sighs. ‘I put dating on the backburner, started lifting weights. The crazy thing is, the more I focused on myself, the more female attention I got. I guess the new look helped.’ With a small smile, he nods to his tatted arms.
‘I wish you’d told me,’ I whisper. We interlock fingers. ‘I wouldn’t have judged you. Remember when I overheard Seth. I froze too.’
He gives me a squeeze. ‘I felt embarrassed,’ he says after a silent beat, his voice small. ‘I’m supposed to be a man.’
The meekness in his voice rips me in half. Does he not see it? That this – opening up – is what makes him a man? I’m no therapist, but I think Wale has a masculinity complex.
‘It sounds petty,’ he’s saying now, ‘but part of the reason why I said yes to going on The Villa was so that Cammie could see the new me.’
‘I get it.’ My mind recalls me bumping into Seth. I wanted him to know that I was doing well too. ‘You wanted Cammie to see you thriving and unbothered. But what I don’t get,’ I say slowly, ‘is why you decided to get with me. Granted it was years later, but you even said you weren’t looking for a relationship.’
‘Because I really liked you, Temi,’ he says, looking at me dead on. And for what feels like an eternity, we both stare at each other. I understand that people can change their mind. But he wasn’t ready for a relationship when we got together. I got the AC Wale. With all the baggage.
Wale appears to read something in my face because he apologizes. ‘I’m sorry that I wasn’t completely honest. But please understand, it was never to do with you. I just had my guard up; I needed to protect myself. I thought taking things slow would help. But, in the end, I had one foot in and one foot out. It was like I was waiting for you to go behind my back. Waiting for history to repeat itself.’
‘That’s why you didn’t drop out of the show,’ I say, more to myself than him. The Villa – it was his backup plan.
‘It’s also why I became withdrawn,’ he says, following it up with a deliberate pause. ‘I’m talking about after I found out you were meeting up with Seth. Temi, why didn’t you tell me? Especially if it was just to discuss a job opportunity. Though I would have thought you’d want nothing to do with him.’
‘I didn’t!’ My voice comes out with a tinge of exasperation.
‘I don’t understand, Temi. Please help me understand.’
The earnestness in his voice breaks me. It’s time Wale knows the truth.
‘There was no job.’ I look straight ahead, directing my words to the windscreen now. ‘Seth works in publishing as an assistant editor.’
I can’t bring myself to look at Wale, to see the shock in his eyes as he makes the connections. Wale remains perfectly still, his strong gaze on me.
‘I bumped into him – at Waitrose of all places,’ I carry on. ‘We got chatting. I tried to keep things cordial. I didn’t want him to think that what he did still had a hold on me. And then –’ I sigh – ‘he tells me what he does for a living. I couldn’t believe it, Wale. I thought, Maybe it ’ s a sign . And so, I told him about Wildest Dreams . He seemed really, really excited by it, but he had to shoot off – he was on his lunch break. He said we should discuss it over coffee. And that’s when we exchanged numbers.’
I wait for Wale to say something. He reaches for my hand. I turn to him.
My heart melts. He’s still looking at me with such gentleness in his eyes. Of course, Wale wasn’t going to judge me. All this time, I projected my shame on to him.
‘Over the next few days,’ I heave out a sigh, ‘I was going out of my mind. I had been rejected by nine publishers. It felt like Seth was my only hope. I thought, what if bumping into him wasn’t just some weird coincidence? That’s why I didn’t mention anything sooner. To be honest, I was afraid you’d persuade me out of it. But the more I tried to convince myself to meet him, the more wrong it felt. My spirit just felt unsettled. My main character is unapologetically plus-size and unapologetically Black. Why in the world would I entrust my book to him? He wasn’t prepared to stand up for me. I didn’t want you to know that I even contemplated selling out and that ’ s why I didn’t tell you the truth.’ My voice cracks on the final word.
Wale doesn’t say anything but the silence is comfortable – he brushes light strokes over my thumb as if to say, I ’ m here . The anxiety, the fear, all those big feelings and worries I had about telling him, disappear. Just like that.
‘I’m sorry I wasn’t honest with you.’ My voice is just above a whisper. ‘I didn’t want you to think that I have no integrity, no values. But now that I know about you and Cammie, I can understand how seeing a text from my ex was triggering, and why you struggle to trust.’
‘I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about Cammie,’ Wale says faintly.
‘It’s okay,’ I say.
His lip hitches up just a fraction. ‘I’m glad we can be real like this.’
‘Me too.’ I smile back. ‘Shame it took us forever to get here, though.’
We laugh a little and continue to stare at each other, neither of us willing to break the spell. Wale’s gaze is unwavering and so tenderly familiar that I feel a tingle of déjà vu – whenever he dropped me off in the past, he would seal the evening with a goodbye kiss. The very thought sends prickly goosebumps down my arms. Now, suddenly, the car is too hot, too small. My eyes make an involuntary fall down to his lips. My breath is shallow and we’re leaning over the cup holder and gearstick towards each other. Tentatively, his lips brush mine first, and when I shift towards him, my phone slides from my lap on to the floor with a thud. It doesn’t snap us out of the spell; instead, he presses into me, hard. A crackle of fireworks explodes inside of my belly as I give in to the sensation: nostalgia, relief, wanting, all rolled into one. Effortlessly, our tongues find their rhythm. It’s as if we’ve never been apart, and yet the kiss feels urgent – as though this is our last chance.
Wale cups the back of my head. I trail my fingers along the sides of his face. It’s impossible to stop.
‘I miss you,’ he says gruffly.
He kisses me fervently, passionately.
I’m buzzing so much that the vibration of my phone doesn’t feel like it’s coming from outside my body.
‘Don’t you wanna get it?’ Wale says, his voice husky, his breath warm.
I reply by kissing the soft skin on his neck. ‘Not really.’
I feel Wale’s lips curve into a smile. His hand brushes my boobs. I slide a hand around the nape of his neck. He lifts my chin and trails kisses along my jawline. I feel the flicker of his tongue against my earlobe and I bite my lip to stifle a loud moan.
The moment is punctured by my phone buzzing again. I hadn’t even realized it had stopped.
‘You should probably get that,’ he says, reclining into the driver’s seat.
‘I’ll put it on silent.’
Breathless, I bend over and pick up my phone from where it had slid on the floor.
I freeze.
‘Shit, it’s Mayee.’
‘Again?’ Wale sits forward. ‘I’m starting to think I’m some sort of omen or something. Aren’t you going to pick it up?’ He puts a hand on my knee.
Clearing my throat, I pick up the call. The Ultimate Payback is like a siren in my head. No, it’s only been a few days. There’s no way Dionne could have read it just yet.
‘Mayee, hi!’
‘Temi! Thank God, you picked up. I’ve got some major, major news for you. Are you sitting down?’
Wale lets out a small gasp. Oh crap, he can probably hear her.
‘Just a sec,’ I squeak, turning to clamber out of the car.
‘Guess who just got offered a book deal?!’
My body turns ice-cold as I get a blast of breeze as I slam the door behind me. I pace a few steps away from the car. It can ’ t be .
‘For which book?’ I ask.
Mayee laughs as if she’s surprised that this is the first thing I say. ‘ The Ultimate Payback , of course. And guess what? Dionne’s offering high five figures.’
Just like that, my greatest dreams and my biggest nightmare become reality.
My emotions are so overwhelming that I have to choke back some tears, drawing looks from a few pedestrians walking by. I drag a shaky hand over my hair, my lips juddering.
‘Aww, Temi. You deserve it,’ Mayee says.
I can barely speak. All I keep thinking is Wale , Wale , Wale .
I glance at him as he watches me from behind his car’s front window. He grins and gives me two thumbs up.
‘Is it okay if I call you back when I get home?’ I say tearily.
‘Of course. Take a moment. I know this news is so sudden.’
She congratulates me again and we end the call.
My head is so hot; I bend over and put my hands on my knees. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’m fucked.
And then I feel a hand pull me to an upright position; my body is smothered into Wale’s chest.
‘You did it!’ he cries. ‘They loved Wildest Dreams !’