Chapter 41
41
I’m the first of the three to join the Zoom meeting. Seeing my anxiety reflected back from my screen is making me even more nervous.
I emailed Mayee first thing this morning. I hardly slept, so I drafted and sent the email at 5 a.m. Then, wretched with worry and with intense pressure building at the back of my skull, I waited for the call.
It came at precisely 8 a.m. A flush of sticky heat washed over my body as Mayee’s name flashed up on my phone. I imagined my parents sitting beside me and, after taking an enormous lungful of air, I answered.
It was difficult to gauge Mayee’s true reaction. She was painfully quiet and I kept having to check she was still there. I felt like a sinner in a confessional. I couldn’t stop apologizing. After I stopped filling in the silence, Mayee said she would inform Dionne on my behalf and then the three of us would have a meeting, most likely in the afternoon. She didn’t sound angry, but she was far from pleased.
I’m downing a long glug of water when Mayee’s face pops up on the screen. Today, her jet-black hair is slicked back into a ponytail.
‘Hey, Mayee.’ I wipe my mouth with the back of my sleeve.
‘Hi,’ is all she says. Her red lips are drawn, her face stiff.
I’m debating whether it would be overkill to apologize again when Dionne’s face appears.
‘Sorry I’m late,’ she says. ‘Meeting ran over. Thanks for setting this up, Mayee.’ And then her eyes dart to where I am on the screen. ‘So. Temi. It seems like you had quite an eventful evening yesterday.’
My first instinct is to apologize. ‘Dionne, I’m so sorry. I should have been honest with you. I take full responsibility. But I can’t, in good faith, move ahead with publishing The Ultimate Payback . It just wouldn’t be right – for me or for people I care for. I’m sorry for not being fully transparent with you when we met and for wasting your time.’
Dionne gives a slow nod. I can’t quite read her expression. But she is far from the bubbly person I met at Ocean’s office. ‘Thank you for your apology,’ she says sagely. ‘I’m sure this won’t come as a surprise, but I’m going to have to withdraw my offer. Thankfully, you haven’t signed a contract yet, so we don’t have to get legal involved.’
I knew it was coming but it still really, really hurts. Tears sting the back of my throat.
‘I understand.’ My voice wavers a bit. I choke down a sob. What makes this so painful is that I had intended on telling them the truth. And no matter what I say, it will seem as though I have only confessed because of the viral post. If I’d had control of the narrative perhaps Mayee and Dionne would have been more empathetic. More understanding. Now, I may never again get this close to becoming a published author. I may never be offered a second chance. I might have to find a new career.
The tears I tried to push down surface again as I accept I won’t be working with Dionne or my dream publisher.
I notice what looks like sympathy fill Dionne’s eyes. She doesn’t rush to end the meeting. ‘Is there anything else you’d like to say?’ she asks.
‘I really am so sorry,’ I say again because that’s all I can say.
Dionne stares at me. She looks truly devastated too. ‘Mayee, unless you have any other questions, that will be all from me.’
Mayee shakes her head. ‘Thank you for meeting at such late notice.’
‘No worries.’ Dionne pauses. Purses her lips. I wait for her to say a final goodbye. Instead, she says, ‘Temi, all this aside, I think you’re a brilliant writer. And I’m still open to receiving a manuscript from you in the future.’
The dam breaks.
‘Thank you,’ I croak, letting my tears fall. ‘Thank you.’
The faintest smile passes over Dionne’s face. ‘All the best,’ she says. She logs off.
I’m about to leave too when Mayee says, ‘Temi, hang on a sec.’
My heart beats wildly in my chest. Dionne may have given me a second chance but that doesn’t mean Mayee will or has to. Hastily, I wipe my tears to prepare myself.
We stare at each other, our squares side by side, the tension mounting with each passing second. Mayee’s eyes are feline. She doesn’t blink, she glares.
‘Temi, what the hell?’
I jolt. This is the first time I’ve heard Mayee snap.
‘Do you know how embarrassing that was? Me having to tell Dionne about this mess? Why didn’t you tell me Wale was your ex?’
‘I’m sorry, Mayee.’ I can’t stop apologizing. ‘I really am.’
Mayee massages her temples as if she is getting a headache. She has every right to feel pissy – I’ve caused her so much trouble. She lets out an agitated breath.
‘We need to have a conversation about our relationship.’
Sweat beads on my neck. This is it. The moment I’ve been dreading. Mayee is finally going to let me go. I reach for my glass of water. I need to hold on to something.
‘I want you to be honest with yourself,’ she says. ‘Do you think I’m the best person to be your agent?’
I blink. I wasn’t expecting that.
‘Of course!’ My voice is high from the shock. ‘You’re one of the top literary agents. Any writer would be lucky to have you.’
‘But do we make a good fit? Am I right for you?’
I’m about to blurt ‘Of course!’ again but I can tell Mayee wants me to seriously consider this question. What she’s really asking is ‘Why weren’t you honest with me?’ An author should feel safe to be open with their agent. After all, they are representing them. And from the start I haven’t been.
‘Mayee, it’s not you. It’s me.’ I fight a grimace at how clichéd my words sound but, sometimes, clichés are true. ‘I’ve faced so much rejection in my life, I couldn’t bear the thought of losing you, so I put up a front. I pretended that everything was okay and that I had my shit together when really I’ve been struggling. I should have been transparent with you from the beginning. I should have told you about Wale, that I had barely started writing Love Drive . And I never should have sent you The Ultimate Payback in the first place. I know you’re probably sick of me saying sorry, but I am. I’ll understand if you no longer want to represent me going forward.’
I feel a tiny sliver of relief to have gotten all that off of my chest without bawling. Whatever happens, at least I can look back and say I took full responsibility.
Mayee twists her wedding ring in deep thought. The line between her brows has gone. ‘Do you know why I signed you?’ she says eventually.
I shake my head.
‘Take a wild guess.’
I rub my burning nose. ‘Because of my potential?’
‘Exactly. I signed you because I believe in you. I believe you have what it takes to be an author. And despite everything, I still believe that. You’re an incredible writer, Temi. Nothing can ever change that.’
I glance down, touched by Mayee’s words. I sorely needed to hear that.
‘I wouldn’t normally do this but I’m willing to give you a second chance.’ My head snaps up as I let out a loud gasp. She raises a finger. ‘ But only on the condition that, one, you will be transparent with me going forward, and two, you’ll write another book.’
‘I’ll do whatever it takes.’ I can’t help it: joyful tears start to spill. So, this is what it feels like to be the prodigal son. ‘I promise. I won’t let you down.’
Mayee barks out a single laugh. ‘Too right, you won’t. I have to dash to another meeting now, but before I go, we need to talk about the memoir.’
God, the memoir .
‘I’ve spoken to Greg,’ she says carefully. ‘We think it would be best to take you off the project.’