1. Kieran
KIERAN
Junior Year
Okay, deep breath. Time to do this.
I smooth down the front of my jacket one more time before adjusting the car mirror to check that my mascara is still perfect—and it is.
My stomach is doing somersaults, but I open the door anyway, because I really have no other choice now.
“Love you!” Mom calls out.
“Love you,” I echo, slamming the door behind me before she can add something mom-ish like “don’t let them get to you.”
I’ve already spent way too many hours stressed about how today could go, so her pep talk won’t help, though I am grateful for her support.
I decided over the summer that I’m sick of hiding who I am to make other people “happy” or “comfortable”—especially when they’ve never once cared whether I’m comfortable, too.
I sling my backpack over one shoulder and start walking toward the school.
My palms are already sweaty from the stress even though, realistically, I’m wearing so little makeup no one should even notice.
Which is intentional for school. I’ve always been a creative person who enjoyed expressing myself through art, and makeup allows me to do that in a whole new way, but I’m still nervous to wear it here for the first time.
As soon as I walk through the doors, I make my way to where Olivia is waiting for me at her locker. Liv has been my best friend since fourth grade when she moved to my school. She didn’t know anyone, and since I didn’t have many friends, and she was nice, we clicked instantly.
“Kieran!” she calls when she looks up and sees me, flipping her phone closed as her face breaks into a smile. “You look so good! Wait, turn, I need to see the back!”
I laugh and spin for her, showing off my dark jeans and black tank top, layered with a black zip-up jacket that has sparkly vertical stripes down the front.
“You look so cute, K! I’m so excited you’re finally doing this!” she exclaims.
“Thank you. Honestly, I need the vote of confidence today. I keep telling myself I don’t care what anyone else thinks, but I’m only human,” I admit. She knows how hard it’s been hiding so much of myself, and has been encouraging me to stop shrinking just to fit in, which has been the push I needed.
She nods in understanding. “Same. I barely slept last night. I kept imagining every worst-case scenario. You’d think, by junior year, starting your first day of high school wouldn’t be so hard, but it’s still nerve-racking.
Like what if I get stuck sitting next to someone who smells way too strongly of Axe body spray?
” She visibly shudders before mumbling, “I seriously hate that stuff. But I’m also so sick of being single.
This needs to be the year we get boyfriends and become cool.
I think I’m going to join the yearbook club, too.
I’m ready for us to go all in on what we want this year. ”
I laugh and shake my head. Her being so over-the-top is exactly why we get along so well.
“Kieran, I’m serious!” she pouts, adjusting the headband that’s holding back her curls. She went with light-wash jeans, and a cute top with an infinity scarf for the first day, and looks as great as she always does.
“Too bad there’s, like, two out gay guys in this school that I know of, and I don’t want to date either of them.”
“You never know: it’s a new year. Maybe some hot guy just moved here.”
“Are you done at your locker?” I ask, brushing off her comment.
“Yeah, let’s go.”
We walk down the hall, and my nerves begin to trickle in more and more, even with her by my side. You can do this, you are confident and strong, I remind myself.
I open my locker and put the magnetic mirror on the inside, just like last year.
I also set up my bookshelf and decorate the space with some photos of Liv and me.
I’ll definitely add more, but this felt like a good starting point.
Before I’m ready to walk to my first class, I take a moment to check my makeup again—my foundation still looks good, and there are no mascara smudges.
Honestly, it’s so subtle, I’ll be surprised if anyone even notices besides Liv. I doubt they’d be looking at me that closely. No one has paid that much attention to me the last two years of high school; I don’t know why they’d start now.
Liv leans in beside me and fluffs her curls in my mirror.
“You look great, too, Liv.” I smile.
“You know,” she says, smiling back at me in the mirror, “if this whole school thing doesn’t work out, we could totally start a glam squad. Do makeup professionally, travel the world, become famous.”
“Tempting, but let’s see if I can make it through today first,” I say, only half joking.