5. Kieran
KIERAN
Gym days are the worst because it means I have to do physical activity in front of Jace. Him and his friends are always laughing at me, and his dad doesn’t say a damn word about it.
To make today worse, we have to run the mile, which is an awful thing to make teenagers do in the first place.
I’m creative; can’t I paint something instead?
Jace Ryan doesn’t have to prove he understands color theory to graduate.
So I don’t understand why I need to complete a timed run in front of everyone.
It’s not like a college won’t accept me because I’m not “fast enough.”
I pass Jace as I enter the locker room, and he’s once again staring at me like I’m a zoo animal.
Seriously, has he never seen someone mildly different from him?
I stop at my locker and enter my combination, but when I open it, my gut immediately drops.
A feeling of icy dread spreads throughout my whole body as I realize what’s in there isn’t my usual navy blue uniform.
It’s a girl’s light blue one. I pick it up to double check, but as expected, it’s the only one in there.
I try to stay calm and not cry because I know the person who did this is in the locker room right now, waiting for my reaction.
I tell myself to breathe, but it’s so hard.
My throat feels tight, and my eyes are stinging.
I don’t understand why he can’t just leave me alone.
I shove the clothes back in my locker, and that’s when I hear his falsely pleasant voice.
“What’s wrong, Sparkles? Isn’t that the uniform you’d prefer anyway? You’re always trying to dress like a girl. Just thought I’d help you out.”
“Yeah, you should be thanking us, you freak,” I hear David add behind me, but I still don’t turn around.
I can usually brush off their ignorant and hateful comments, but this feels so much more violating.
Breaking into my locker and stealing my clothes is a line I don’t know how to come back from.
This is cruel and calculated. Even worse than when he shoved me into the lockers and ripped my shirt or tripped me in front of the whole cafeteria.
I try to force in another deep breath, to bury the emotions I always hide from them…
but I don't think I can do it today. They’ve been chipping away at my shield of false confidence, and apparently this is my breaking point.
I can’t keep pretending to be unaffected.
My eyes are stinging with tears I’m trying to hold back.
My lip is trembling, and my own throat feels like it’s suffocating me with how tight it is.
I need to get out of here.
Now.
“Go ahead, put it on. I bet you wish it had a skirt, though,” Jace taunts. “Don’t you, Sparkles?”
I slam my locker shut and run past them, out of the locker room and into the hallway. I can’t deal with this right now. I can’t breathe in there. I have to get away.
As soon as I see the bathroom, I shove the door open and hurry into a stall, locking it behind me. My tears finally fall as I gasp for air, still unable to take a full breath.
Jace broke into my personal space and stole my clothes, all while relentlessly trying to make me feel bad about who I am. And for what? For fun? To feel better about himself? I don’t get why he’s so focused on harassing me.
The door to the bathroom opens, and I quickly pull my feet up on the toilet and try to hold my breath so whoever walks in can’t hear me cry.
“I swear he went in here,” the voice says, and my gut sinks when I realize it’s David. “What a loser, hiding in the bathroom.”
“Seriously,” Jace scoffs. “All we did was try to give him what he clearly wants.” They both crack up at that, but after another endless moment, he speaks again. “Come on, we can’t be late for gym. You know my dad will freak.”
Just as quickly as they came in, they leave. Only their taunts remain hanging in the air while I finally suck in what feels like the first full breath I’ve managed since entering the locker room.
I don’t care if the school calls home, or I get detention for skipping—there’s no way I’m going to gym today.
I’ll fake being sick or say I forgot my uniform if anyone asks, because the last thing I need is my parents finding out about the bullying.
If they step in, I’m sure we’d all get called to the principal’s office, Jace and his dad included.
And if he thinks I ran to Mommy and Daddy?
He’ll make sure I regret it, I just know it.
Skipping class won’t fix anything, but right now, not walking into that locker room feels like the best decision I can make for myself, so I take out my phone and text Liv.
Kieran
It’s an emergency.
Can you skip?
Meet me in the library?
Liv:
Yeah, give me a min
I wipe my face with my sleeves and make the short walk to the library right in time for the bell to ring. Liv walks in a second later.
“What happened? Come here,” she says immediately, grabbing my hand and dragging me to the back corner of the library where we’re a little more secluded. As soon as we stop walking, she turns to me.
“Oh, K, tell me what happened,” she prompts again before pulling me into a hug, and more tears start to fall.
“Jace switched my uniform for gym with a girl’s and said he did me a favor. When I ran out of there, I hid in the bathroom, and he and David followed me in there,” I confess.
“Don’t let them get to you. I know you’re strong enough to get through their pranks,” Liv encourages.
Pranks? That sounds way more innocent than how today felt, but I don’t want to get into a fight with Liv on top of everything else, so I don’t correct her.
“I don’t even know what I did to them besides express myself.
Which literally doesn’t affect them at all,” I say even though she’s heard this exact complaint from me before.
“I know. I’m sorry, I wish they’d move on.”
I wipe under my eyes with the sleeve of my jacket, careful not to smudge what’s left of my mascara. “He’s never going to stop. It doesn’t matter if I ignore him or try to stand up for myself. It’s like… existing in the same room as him is a crime.”
“Is there anything I can do?”
“Do you want to come over after school?” I ask, hating that there’s really nothing else she can do to help. There’s nothing anyone can do to help.
“Oh, um,” she starts, and I have a feeling I know what’s coming. “I actually have plans tonight with the girls from yearbook club. We’re going to Jess’s house for dinner, and I can’t bail.”
Knew it.
I hate that it feels like I’m losing her to her new friends. Especially now when it feels like Jace Ryan is trying to ruin me, and most days, it feels like he’s succeeding.
But my brain catches on the word “try.” Because that’s really all he can do, isn’t it? He can call me names. He can bully me. He can glare and shove me into lockers. But he doesn’t get to decide who I am.
As much as I hate the negative attention and bullying, the thought of giving into his peer pressure, of showing up to school on Monday without any makeup on or wearing the same boring clothes as the other guys do, sounds equally painful. I’m not going to fold: that isn’t who I am.
I’m not changing who I am for anyone.
Especially not Jace-fucking-Ryan.