13. Kieran
KIERAN
Summer Before Senior Year
Iscroll past Liv’s latest post without spending too much time looking at it. She's tagged at the lake with Jace again, both of them in matching sunglasses, grinning at the camera.
It bugs me more than it should.
I know that I should just unfriend her. But the petty part of me wants to follow their relationship. They might have won some stupid best couple’s award in the yearbook—the club she’s a part of, just saying—but I’m definitely waiting for the day he suddenly disappears from her profile.
That’s the only reason.
I’m definitely not still sentimental about losing my oldest friend.
The girl who showed up at my house with a bag full of brand-new makeup when I finally admitted to her that I’d tried using some of my mother’s.
She was at my side for so many big moments: every birthday, when my grandparents passed, and our families even went on vacations together.
Not talking to her is one thing—she definitely deserves my anger after she chose Jace over me—but for some reason, unfriending her feels like the final nail in the coffin of our friendship, and I can’t bring myself to follow through.
I hate that I miss her, but I’m only human.
I toss my phone onto the bed and sit at my desk, moving the mouse until the screen lights up, showing the new comments that are still coming in on my “Pride Month Glitter Eyeshadow Tutorial” I posted a few weeks ago.
And, unfortunately, most of them are exactly what I expect:
@carsandchicks85
Freak.
@u_suck77
This is why society’s doomed.
@Sportz6969
You’ll never be a real man lol.
It feels like I set myself up to be bullied even more online than I did in real life.
But, still, every week, I tell the camera I don’t care what people think.
Some days it’s harder to believe than others, and most days I need a reminder that I’m doing something that matters.
I scroll faster and don’t stop until I see something positive.
@rawr_makeup20
I showed this to my brother, and he lit up watching you. He’s thirteen and just started playing with makeup. Thank you!”
I let out a sigh of relief. That’s what I needed to see. It’s so hard to block out the negative comments, but I try to by reading the positive ones again and again and again. They make me feel less alone and more like my art and self-expression is worth sharing.
The one other comment that keeps playing over and over in my head, though, is the one my mom made to Olivia and Jace.
There’s no way I’m jealous of her. For dating him.
No way.
I hate her because she’s dating him.
Because she chose him over me. Chose her image and her desire for a boyfriend over our friendship.
It’s that simple.
No part of me wants to be the one dating Jace.
The same guy who’s spent the last year making me his favorite target.
It’s so embarrassing that my mom jumped to that conclusion and said it to his face.
I bet he thinks I told her I wanted to date him because that’s how self-centered he is.
I didn’t give her a play-by-play of the bullying or why Liv and I are no longer friends, but it’s ridiculous that’s where her mind went.
If anything, the only thing I’m jealous of is that they have each other, and I’m going into my senior year single as ever.
I’ve still only had that one kiss with Danny, and I’m sure that’s all I will have when I go to college.
It’s just… I want to make out with someone I’m actually attracted to.
I want passion, to feel connected to another person in the way I’ve only ever seen on screens or read about in books.
But I doubt I’ll find that in this town.
Now that it’s summer, I feel even more isolated.
Danny went away to band camp after the first couple of weeks.
I thought it sounded kind of dorky, but honestly, his texts make it seem like a great time.
I almost wish I knew how to play an instrument, or that I’d looked into some sort of art camp even though I’ve hardly been painting and drawing now that I have my YouTube channel.
I spend most days and nights alone in my room, trying not to cringe at my voice as I edit my videos.
Danny can only have his phone on him at certain points throughout the day, so with him unavailable, I’ve been turning more and more to the community growing in my comment section.
Once I weed out all the negative ones, they’re the closest thing I’ve got to feeling like someone other than my parents cares about me.
There are slowly more and more people who are finding me who love what I’m doing, instead of just the ones hating me from behind their screens.
To be honest, I’m not even sure how the haters find me.
The only way I’d show up in their feed is if they searched makeup tutorials, I think, and then the more interactions my videos get, the higher up I would be in what’s recommended.
So, my understanding is they seek me out, then comment how much they hate what I’m doing.
It reminds me of Jace, and it only makes me hate him more.
Especially because I have nothing but time to internalize every negative comment.
I don’t want to bring Danny down when all his updates have been so positive.
He still texts me and celebrates every time I post a new video, but he has so little time available for us to actually talk, I don’t want to spend it venting about online trolls.
The other person I’d really love to vent to is obviously no longer an option, and every time I have that thought, it pisses me off even more.
Ugh, I can’t stand Olivia and Jace.
At least I don’t have to watch them kiss and hold hands in the hall for another few weeks.
And I’m back to feeling sorry about my love life.
It’s just that, I’ll be eighteen in September, and realistically I don’t think I’ll be meeting anyone new anytime soon.
I’m scared that when I go to college—even if there are cool, new people who I can form connections with—I’ll have no idea what I’m doing and will probably mess up any chance I have with them since I’ll be fumbling around because it’s my first time.
If I really wanted to, I’m sure Danny would be down to experiment with me, but I don’t want to do more just because he’s there and also interested in men. It’s not fair to him.
That’s it. I need to get out of this room before I lose it.
I push off the bed, slide on my shoes, and head for the hallway, calling out, “Mom?”
She’s in the living room, folding laundry, with one of her talk shows playing in the background. She looks up, eyebrows raised. “Yeah?”
“Can you drive me to the mall?”
“Sure. Now?”
“Yeah, if you’re not busy. I need to get new makeup.”
She tosses a shirt onto the pile. “Give me two minutes to find my shoes.”
As soon as we walk into the mall, my mom pulls out her phone. “I’m going to check the department store. Your dad needs a tie. Text me when you’re done?”
“I will,” I say, already turning toward the makeup store. I head straight there, and when the store comes into view, I stop in my tracks.
“Shit, sorry,” I mutter to the person who just ran into me when I abruptly stopped.
“Mm-hmm,” they hum as they walk around me, but I don’t actually see them. My eyes lock on one thing, and one thing only: the “Now Hiring” sign in the window of the store I love. This feels like exactly what I needed today after sulking about being so alone.
I walk into the store and am met by a girl with teal eyeshadow who’s organizing a lipstick display. “Hey there,” she says. “Need help finding something?”
I swallow. “Actually, yeah, I saw the sign out front. You’re hiring?”
Her expression shifts slightly as she eyes my eyeliner and the shimmer on my cheekbones.
“Yeah.” She smiles. “You got a minute?”
I nod, trying to play it cool and not come across as too eager. “Yes.”
“Cool. Wait here,” she says as she walks away, disappearing into the back.
A minute later, a woman in head-to-toe black with a blonde bob and light makeup appears.
“Hi, I’m Rochelle,” she says, already assessing me.
I definitely didn’t dress to impress today.
I’m wearing a black and grey striped shirt with black jeans and my Vans.
I’m definitely giving more “emo” vibes today—which fits my mood much better than anything else—but I have makeup on, at least, and blue nail polish to hopefully show I’m serious about working here. “You’re here for the job?”
“I am,” I say quickly. “I don’t have retail experience, but I know the product. I do tutorials on YouTube and—”
“Oh, tell me about that!” she says, perking up as she cuts me off.
“Well, I just started a couple of months ago. I have a few hundred followers right now, but it seems to be gaining traction. I do different styles and tutorials, mostly.”
“That’s so fun!” She grins. “Are you reliable? Can you get here for your shifts?”
“Yes, I am. And I can.”
“We’re looking for mostly evening and weekend coverage. I assume you’re still in school?”
“I am, but I’m not in any sports or anything. I’d much rather spend my evenings and weekends here,” I admit. “And now that it’s summer, I’m free whenever until school starts again in September.”
She gives me another head-to-toe assessment before nodding sharply. “Alright, then. You’re hired. The pay is standard minimum wage, but you’ll get a discount on anything in the store which is the best part of the job.”
My mouth opens, but nothing comes out.
“I’ll give you an application to fill out for our records, but I feel like you’ll fit in here. What do you say?”
“I’d love to!” I respond eagerly, already feeling like senior year will be better than I’d been imagining only an hour ago. This feels like exactly what I need. Plus getting paid to talk about makeup and getting a discount on my favorite products? This is literally a dream.
I fill out the application she gives me, and we go over when I can start and my school schedule. I’m sure my mom won’t mind me borrowing her car to drive here myself. I can’t wait to tell her. I’m so excited.
I don’t realize I’m still grinning like an idiot until I get back to the food court where I agreed to meet my mom. She’s sitting at a table with a coffee. “Find that eyeliner?” she asks as I approach.
“No,” I say, still buzzing. “But I got a job at the store, so I’ll wait to buy it with my employee discount.”
She nearly spills her coffee. “Wait—what?!”
“I’m so excited!” My cheeks are already sore from how much I’m smiling. “There was a sign in the window, and I asked about it, and they hired me on the spot.”
“Oh, that’s amazing, Kieran! I’m so proud of you!”
“I was hoping I could borrow the car more to get here after school and on weekends so you don’t have to drive me.”
She’s nodding at me. “Yes, of course, we’ll figure it out.”
I thought “we’ll figure it out” meant switching off between her and Dad lending me their cars a few nights a week or maybe dropping me off.
Definitely not this.
Never did I think this would be their solution. I’m standing in the driveway, staring at a brand-new 2011 Toyota Corolla. It’s black, shiny, and definitely not the kind of car I ever imagined myself getting as a surprise.
“Are you serious?” I ask my parents, mouth still hanging open.
My dad tosses the keys up and catches them with a little smirk. “You’ll need it to get to work.”
I blink. “Wait, seriously?” I repeat, still waiting for them to explain what’s actually happening. “You’re being serious? You bought me a brand-new car?”
He nods. “Seriously. We’re really proud of you for taking initiative with the job, and how you’ve embraced what makes you happy, spreading your joy with others online too. We know it can’t always be easy, but you continue to amaze us with your resilience.”
My mom’s got that look on her face like she’s probably been dying to spill the secret, and I just can’t believe this.
“We’re so proud of you, sweetie,” my mom echoes. “We were going to wait until you started senior year, but after you got the job, we thought that now made more sense. You’ve worked so hard in school, creating your videos, and now you got a job. We’re happy to do this.”
I don’t know what to say, truly. My parents have always been supportive and incredible, but this just added an entirely new layer.
School might suck, I might be lonely, and Jace Ryan is definitely a pain in my ass, but those things are temporary. I’m so lucky to have the family I do, and I know their support is something I’ll always be able to count on.