Chapter 75
HARPER
SEVEN YEARS EARLIER
“You’re not going, that’s final,” Dad says, his tone telling me this is not up for debate.
“What the hell, Dad? It’s the end of term, the end of the school year. It’s been planned for months.”
He takes a moment, his shoulders dipping, before he straightens them.
My heart sinks.
“It’s not a good idea. End of term, all that drinking, drugs…”
I harrumph.
“So, you don’t trust me,” I say, watching him flinch. “You don’t think I’m mature or smart enough to know what I’m doing? You think I’ll be a sheep and follow the flock?”
He straightens his shirt. “That’s not what I’m saying at all. I know you’re responsible. You’ve never given your mother or me a moment of trouble, but, Harper…”
I don’t wait to hear what else he has to say. I storm up the stairs. How am I going to live this down? Everyone who is anyone in our year group will be there… Jasper Peregrine himself, invited me.
“She’s been looking forward to that party,” Mum says as I round the corner.
“I know,” Dad replies. “But Fran, there’ll be other parties.”
Mum and Dad never usually say no, not without good reason. Does he fear I’m going to get drunk, have sex… trash the rest of my life?
I pull out my phone and message Carolyn and Becca.
ME:
I have to cancel. Dad won’t let me go.
CAROLYN:
Are you kidding?
BECCA:
But it’s Jasper’s party. He invited you. This is your chance.
ME:
I know. You’d think I was seven, not seventeen, the way he’s treating me. I’ll be eighteen in a few weeks.
The word gutted doesn’t even come close.
I throw myself back on my bed and stare at the canopy of my four-poster.
I’ve had a crush on Jasper Peregrine since year eight, and he personally invited me to his party.
He’s barely said two words to me the whole time we’ve been at school together, me being a bit of a nerd and him being… well, Jasper.
BECCA:
Can you sneak out? Tell them you’re going to bed early. I can pick you up at the end of the road.
CAROLYN:
Please, H. We’ve been planning our outfits for what seems like forever. It’s going to be the party everyone talks about when we’re in our eighties. And Jasper. You know Bernice has been desperate to sink her claws into him.
BECCA:
Bernice is a slag.
CAROLYN:
And Jasper is a hormonal teenage boy. I don’t think he’ll care.
My stomach drops. I’ve never gone against Mum and Dad’s wishes, but I’m not a baby. Even Dad said I’ve never given them a moment of trouble, unlike Caleb, who was always getting up to mischief with his friends when he was my age.
ME:
Okay, message me when you are nearby, and I’ll get changed in the car.
CAROLYN:
Yay!
BECCA:
See you later.
Sneaking out is less problematic than I assumed.
Dad and Mum have given me a wide berth. Slamming my bedroom door a couple of times for effect also helped, although I must admit, I don’t feel good about it.
I’ve never been that person. It goes against everything I’ve been raised to believe in, but it’s too late now.
I’ve made my choice. From here on in, it’s not a case of asking for permission, but me begging for forgiveness once I’ve proved to him that he had nothing to worry about.
Alex sits and listens as I disappear into my memories of that night and the days that followed. As I relay the story of what happened, I begin to realise Carolyn probably saved my life that night. If she hadn’t been ill, Montague’s goons might have spirited me away.
“What happened?” Alex asks.
It’s light when Gabriel arrives. There’s a look on his face I’ve never seen before, and he looks pale.
“Where’s Dad?”
Shit, I must be in real trouble if Dad hasn’t come. The party ended hours ago.
“Come on,” he says, his voice catching. “I’m here to take you both home.”
He scoops a still-sick Carolyn off the floor and carries her to his car.
He drives in silence, his hands gripping the wheel, his knuckles white.
My stomach turns over at the thought of the bollocking I’m about to face.
He leaves me in the car while he speaks to Carolyn’s mother, who ushers her inside, glaring at me before she closes the door.
He gets back into the car and his shoulders slump.
“How much trouble am I in?” I ask, staring out of the windscreen.
I watch my brother tilt his head back and close his eyes.
“I’m sorry, I know it was a stupid thing to do,” I say, hoping he understands.
He turns his head, his eyes glistening.
“I’m sorry, Harps,” he says.
I frown. “What are you sorry about? Gabe, what’s going on? Why didn’t Dad come and get me?”
A fluttering starts deep in my chest, strengthening with each passing second.
“It’s Dad. There’s been an accident.”
I stare at him, my head shaking from side to side.
“But he’s okay?” I say, but the pressure in my chest and the tears that are now tracking their way down his cheeks tell me otherwise.
“We need to get home,” he says, moving to start the car.
I catch his hand in mine.
“No, tell me.”
He stops, wiping his face with his palms.
“Please,” I say.
“Dad.”
“Dad what? Where is he?” I say, my whole body going cold.
“Dad’s dead, Harper.”
I draw in a breath, but it doesn’t reach my lungs. Instead, it feels like I’m suffocating.
Gabe grabs my cheeks. “Harper, you need to breathe… fuck.”
I open and close my mouth, but nothing helps, the pressure of the outside world too harsh.
Gabe lightly slaps my cheek. It burns, and I inhale sharply, before I begin to cough, and finally give way to the sobs.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he says, pulling me into his arms.
“No, no, no,” I say. “He can’t be.”
By the time we arrive home, Gabe has explained that Dad was on his way to collect me when a drunk driver ran him off the road and into a tree, killing him instantly.
Mum rushes out to meet us, her face blotchy, her eyes red from crying. She pulls me into her arms, but I’m numb. It’s as if a cold chill has enveloped my body and frozen all my emotions.
“Thank God you’re safe,” she whispers against my hair.
Later, we go to visit him at the chapel of rest. The closer we get to the room, the worse the pain becomes.
It’s as if something inside me has snapped.
It feels like hands are locked around my throat, strangling me.
By the time we reach the door, my body gives out and I collapse on the floor, my body numb, spots dancing before my eyes.
“Harper?”
Mum clasps my face in her hands. “Harper, you need to breathe, my darling.”
I try, drawing in one shuddering breath after another, but the overwhelming sense of dread that’s consuming me has me bent double as I’m racked with invisible pain.
It’s Elijah who scoops me up and holds me, grounding me within his enormous embrace, blocking out the world and cocooning me.
He cradles my head, his heartbeat strong beneath my ear, showing me that, even though my world feels like it’s ended, he is here for me.
I look up at him, shaking my head frantically, my eyes refilling with tears. It’s as if now they’ve started, they’ll never stop.
“I can’t,” I whisper. “I can’t.”
Mum moves behind me, encasing me from behind.
“It’s okay. If you can’t, you shouldn’t,” she says. “You stay here, and if you change your mind…”
Elijah and Mum let me go, guiding me to a nearby chair, as they all disappear into the room that holds my father.
I sit there in the silence. I have no right to be in there with them.
If it wasn’t for me, he would still be here, hugging Mum, slapping Eli on the back.
Because of me, he’s gone. If I hadn’t acted like an immature child, he would never have been on the road last night. How can they even stand to look at me?
Alex pulls me hard against him as if trying to absorb my pain as I relive the worst moment of my life. I go willingly.
“It wasn’t your fault,” he says, brushing his lips against my hair, holding me the way he did the night Kat was rushed into hospital.
“I know that now, but for years, I blamed myself… lived with all the what-if’s…”
“You’re one of the strongest people I’ve ever met, especially after what you’ve been through over the past nine months.”
I pull back, running a hand over my cheeks.
I flinch. “You said you read articles. You’ve seen the tape?” I ask, unable to meet his gaze.
He shakes his head, my eyes locking with his. “They were fake, a cruel manipulation by sick individuals. You were a virgin when we first slept together and even if you hadn’t been, I would refuse to give them airtime.”
“But they’re going to follow me around like a bad smell for the rest of my life,” I say, wanting him to realise what loving me means.
“I know you, Harper Frazer, and that delectable body of yours.”
“My middle name is Brooke,” I admit.
He returns my smile, and I wonder how I got so lucky. “I know that too, although going forward maybe we can try whole truths, no more half-truths.”
He clasps my chin in his hand. His eyes sparkle, and I then realise I’m not wearing my green contacts.
“And my favourite colour is chocolate brown,” he says.
“Is it now?” I say with sass. “I’m still mad you think I’d steal from you,” I say. “Of all the things.”
“And you can be, as long as you give me the chance to make it up to you.”
“Why?”
“Because I love you more than I wanted to admit even to myself, and after you left… I never want to feel that way again. It was like the bottom had been ripped out of my world.”
“But…”
“I was scared, Harper. I may be thirty-nine, but when you came into my life, you turned it upside down. I’m too old for you, and I still don’t think I’m wrong about that.
You worked for me. We’re at different stages in our lives.
You should be going out and partying. I’ve done all that. You need to be able to—”
I laugh, genuinely laugh. “Me partying… Believe me, Alex, I’ve done enough partying to last me a lifetime.
I don’t care if I never attend another party ever again.
Charity events are about as much as I can manage these days, and that’s mainly because I have zero choice in the matter, being a Frazer. ”
There is a knock at the door.
“Come in,” I say, surprised my siblings have managed to restrain themselves until now.
Kat enters carrying a tray of drinks.
“Harper mentioned you like coffee, so I took the initiative. If you’d prefer tea, I can make you some.”
“Coffee’s great, thank you,” he says.
Kat places the tray on the coffee table. “Betsy sent in some toast,” she says, shooting me a look I know Alex won’t miss.
“Tell her thank you,” I say.
She leaves without another word, closing the door softly behind her.
“Before I forget…” He digs in his pocket. “Mother gave me this to return to you.”
I gasp. “My necklace.”
He unclasps it, and I turn so he can place it around my neck. I left my St Clair pendant with Mitch for him to return with my clothes.
“Thank you,” I say, turning back to face him. My hand closing around the ruby.
I inhale deeply. “I have something to tell you. The physician I saw before I left—”
His brows furrow. “Are you all right?”
“I want no more lies or half-truths between us,” I say, taking his hand in mine. “He left a message which I only got after I arrived here. The nausea, my sickness… I’m pregnant.”