Chapter 53
KATIE
Istart to panic when I get home that night. I said no. I said no to Tristan and it nearly killed me. I pace in my tiny living room, just five steps to the wall and then back, and my stomach is so knotted that I can’t eat dinner.
I did the right thing. I think. I would have settled for less than love with him and I didn’t. I should be proud. Why do I feel so sick, then?
I try to watch a documentary, but it just reminds me of Tristan and the last time he was here, his presence taking up the room.
I take myself up to the roof and I hug a pillow to my chest and I watch the stars. I think about the first time I told David I had a crush.
My girl, he said on a sigh. I worry so much for you. I worry that you’ll love too easily and be hurt.
Why? I asked.
And then he went on to explain, in his gentle, thoughtful way, that he was worried I hadn’t had enough love and I’d try to find it in the wrong places.
How he’d wanted so badly to be a father that when he brought me home, he never stopped to consider that maybe just one parent with a job like his wasn’t enough.
He explained that he started taking me on jobs to bring us closer together, and to keep me from being alone.
It worked, I told him. I don’t feel alone.
At least I didn’t. And then he died.
“I met someone,” I tell the sky. “I met someone and he means everything to me and he has for a long time and I’m so scared. I’m terrified I’m looking for love in the last place I should seek it, and that it will destroy me.”
The sky doesn’t respond.
“It doesn’t work out, right? Friends who try to turn things into more never work out. I should be grateful to have friendship with him. I shouldn’t want more.”
I focus on the constellations I can name—all the ones David loved—Ursa Major, Ursa Minor, Orion, then the brightest stars. I repeat them in my head to block out the fears.
“I think I did the right thing,” I tell the stars. “I said no to him. He doesn’t want love.”
My voice cracks on the last word.
“I do, though. I want it so badly and I want it with him, and I can’t bear the thought of being with him without having all of his heart.”
I squeeze the pillow more tightly to my chest, like I can cure the hurt.
The problem is, I’m not sure it’s fixable.