Chapter 17
‘Roly Punch?’
Jesus, keep your voice down. Roly cringed as a tall, angular woman with lank hair stepped out of her office and beckoned him inside.
Thankfully no one paid any attention, and it was a relief to get away from the prying eyes of all the other deadbeats waiting around in the stale afternoon air of the social welfare office, waiting their turn with some bored civil servant behind a Plexiglas screen while a TV blinked silently in the corner.
It had turned out that Ella was right, and he’d been summoned for a meeting with his case worker to discuss his employment prospects.
‘See, I told you!’ he’d said to Ella when he’d shown her the letter. ‘I’ve got a case worker, like some… young offender!’
‘You’re too old to be a young offender.’
‘Very funny.’
He’d already had to attend an information meeting about training courses and back-to-work schemes, and now he was going to have to explain himself to this woman who was ushering him into her office. Still, he supposed it was a small price to pay for getting his cash every week.
‘Hello, I’m Geraldine.’ She shook his hand, then waved him to a seat on the other side of her desk.
He reckoned Geraldine was around the same age as him.
It was strange how much people’s lives diverged once you grew up, he thought.
When you were kids, everyone did pretty much the same stuff – going to school, playing with your friends, doing homework.
Then you became adults, and some people became pop stars and went on world tours while others ended up in places like this, sitting at a desk in a dingy government office under fizzing fluorescent strip lighting day in, day out.
It was sad how some people’s lives turned out.
‘So, how are you getting on?’
‘Fine, thanks, Geraldine. How are you?’
She seemed taken aback by the pleasantry. Most of her customers mustn’t be as polite and friendly as he was.
‘I’m grand, thanks, Roly. But I meant the job search. How’s that going?’ She tapped a manila folder in front of her. He saw his name written on it in Sharpie.
‘Oh, the Jobseeker’s? That’s working out great!’ He gave her a reassuring smile. ‘I’ve been going to the post office every week and they hand over the cash, no problem. They’re really nice about it, in fact. I’ve had no trouble from them at all.’
‘Right.’ Geraldine looked confused. ‘Well, I’m glad you’re getting your payments. But I meant your actual job search. How are you getting on with that? Any interviews?’
‘Oh, um… no. No interviews as such.’ Shit! So she thought he was actually looking for work. He’d thought the ‘actively seeking employment’ thing was just a wink-wink box-ticking exercise. So he’d been right all along. He was a welfare cheat. Thanks a bunch, Ella.
‘No leads at all?’
‘Well… I was offered Celebrity Cell Block this year.’ He felt had to give her something.
‘And you didn’t take it?’
No, Geraldine, he thought. Because here I am before you, while those twats are on the telly in the waiting room, eating slop in the prison canteen and sneaking into each other’s bunks. ‘Um, no… the timing didn’t suit. And my agent said it wasn’t the right move for me.’
Geraldine cleared her throat and opened her file. ‘Okay. So you’re still looking then.’
‘Um… yeah.’
‘What sort of thing are you looking for?’
‘Well, I mean, something in the entertainment line. I’ve been writing some songs…’
‘Okay.’ Geraldine nodded encouragingly. ‘What about cruise ships, have you considered that? They’re often looking for entertainers, aren’t they?’
Cruise ships! Jesus! Who did Geraldine think he was? ‘Yeah, I guess… I hadn’t really thought of that.’
‘Or maybe you could sing at weddings, something like that?’ Geraldine gave him a bright smile.
‘Yeah, I don’t know if that’s really my style.’
‘You need to be creative, think outside the box. Let’s have a ponder.’ She slid an A4 pad in front of her and picked up a pen.
Oh God, he’d thought this was just going to be a quick chat that he could bluff his way through, but Geraldine was actually going to brainstorm his ‘career’ with him.
‘You went to the information meeting about our training and employment services?’
‘Yeah, I did.’ He’d been the oldest one there. He’d kept his head down as he’d sat watching the presentation with a bunch of pimply jobless youths, in a sweat the whole time that someone would recognise him, take a furtive photo and post it on social media.
‘So you know the purpose of today is for us to come up with a plan to progress you back into work.’
‘Yeah.’ He’d nodded off a couple of times as the presenter had droned on about work experience placements and training courses, but he’d got the gist. ‘I mean, I wouldn’t exactly say “back into work” since I wasn’t really in work in the first place.’
‘Well, maybe this is an opportunity to try something new,’ Geraldine said briskly. ‘There are lots of training courses available to you.’ She handed over a pamphlet. ‘Have a look through that and let me know if there’s anything that interests you, and I’ll arrange to get you registered.’
‘Okay, thanks.’
‘And the council are recruiting right now, so that’s a possibility.’
‘The council? They hire singers?’
‘Oh no.’ Geraldine laughed. ‘Clerical workers. I could get you an application?’
‘Um… sure.’ He nodded, wanting to appear willing. But he had no intention of letting Geraldine steer him into a job like hers, stuck in a place like this. ‘Though I doubt I have the qualifications for something like that.’
‘You did the Leaving Cert, yes?’
‘Yeah, I did.’
‘Well, that’s all you need for an entry-level job.’
‘Oh! That’s… great.’ Shit! Was this the ‘something to fall back on’ that his mother had set him up for? ‘I mean, I’d need something more flexible, though, in case something better turns up.’
‘Like what?’
He shrugged. ‘Well, if I was offered Strictly, for instance.’
She smiled. ‘Your friend Zack did that a while back, didn’t he? He was really good.’
‘Yeah, brilliant.’ He’d made it to the final, but at least he’d fallen short of winning.
‘Maybe you’d be better off getting a job and doing music in your spare time? I’m sure lots of artists like yourself have day jobs to pay the bills. In fact, one of our senior officers here is an author! She’s had two books published.’
‘Good for her.’
‘And Kevin in Accounts plays in a folk band at weekends. They’re really good.
They played a few songs at our Christmas party last year.
I could ask him to have a chat with you, if you’d like?
Nothing official, but I’m sure he’d be happy to give you some tips.
He might even have some useful contacts for you. ’
‘Um… thanks. Maybe later down the line? If I’m…
’ What was a polite word for ‘desperate’?
‘I mean, when I’ve… exhausted other avenues.
Tried to make it on my own, you know.’ Did she seriously think he should be taking showbiz tips from Kevin in Accounts?
It didn’t sound like his singing career was the roaring success Geraldine seemed to imagine it was.
‘Oh, funerals!’ she suddenly exclaimed, her face lighting up.
‘What?’
‘People are always looking for someone to sing at funerals, aren’t they? That could be perfect for you.’
‘Right,’ he nodded thoughtfully as if he was seriously considering this. ‘Well, it’s certainly something to think about.’ Geraldine was so obviously delighted with her ideas, and he didn’t want to be mean.
‘How would you get that?’ She tapped her pen against her teeth while she thought.
‘You could contact churches, I suppose? No, funeral directors! Yes, that’s it!
When we were burying my mother, the funeral directors booked the singer for us.
They were marvellous – took care of everything.
They have lists of singers – we even had a choice! ’
Roly peered over and saw she was writing ‘funeral singer’ on her pad, right under ‘cruise ship entertainer’ and ‘clerical officer’.
‘Okay, great start. We’re making headway here, Roly. You should contact some funeral directors, get on their books. Do you know “Abide With Me”? “Be Still My Soul”?’
‘Um… no.’
‘Well, I’m sure you’d learn in no time. I don’t know if they have auditions or how it works, but maybe you should start practising a few hymns, just in case.’
‘Sure.’
‘What else, what else?’ She tapped her pen excitedly against her pad as she mused. ‘Oh! “Bring him home”! What about that?’
‘Um… is that… a taxi service?’
Geraldine laughed. ‘No, the song.’ She sang a few bars in a high, shaky voice. It sounded like when the stray cats had sex on the garden wall, only creepier. ‘We had that at my uncle’s funeral. It was lovely.’
Roly nodded. ‘Very… spooky.’
‘But taxi could be an idea for you? Or some sort of delivery? Pizzas, flowers, flat-pack furniture… there’s all sorts needs delivering. Do you drive?’
‘No.’ He grimaced regretfully, hoping he didn’t look as relieved as he felt.
‘Oh. Well, you could be one of those ones that scoot around on bikes? Cycle courier? Or takeaway delivery – you know with the little box on the back carrier? Some kind of shift work like that might suit you. It would give you lots of free time for writing your songs. You could deliver pizzas by night, and have the days free to work on your music.’
‘Good idea.’ He couldn’t see himself working as a delivery boy, but maybe some kind of casual work wouldn’t be so bad. It seemed his days of collecting free cash were numbered, so he’d have to come up with something to keep Geraldine off his back until the Oh Boy! reunion got off the ground.
‘Great! Just let me print you out an application form for the clerical officer job.’ She tapped at her computer, and the printer noisily chugged out some pages.
She stapled them together and handed him the form.
‘Don’t look so downhearted,’ she said, giving him a bright smile.
‘We’ll find you something. You won’t be unemployed for long on my watch. ’
‘Thanks, Geraldine. You’ve been very helpful.’ He stood, clutching the application form. ‘It’s been a real eye-opener.’
‘Not at all, Roly. That’s what I’m here for. Let me know how you get on. And if there’s anything else you need, don’t hesitate to give me a call.’ She took a business card from her desk and handed it to him.
‘Thanks. I will.’
* * *
As soon as he got outside, he tore up the application form and threw it in the nearest bin. No way was he going to spend his days in some dusty office, wilting under a fluorescent sky. He already felt like he couldn’t breathe, just thinking about it.
Normal life was bullshit, he thought as he stomped home. He’d had no idea the amount of crap he’d sidestepped by running away with the band when he left school.
‘Okay, that’s it! I have to get a job,’ he said to Ella as he shut the front door behind him.
‘What happened?’ She looked up from the worktop, where she was chopping onions.
‘Geraldine – my case worker – is already measuring me up for a desk in the council. She wants me to apply for… I’m not even sure what. Some kind of secretarial work, I think?’
‘Oh God!’ Ella laughed.
‘Either that or she’ll have me entertaining on a cruise ship, or teaming up with undertakers and doing the entertainment at funerals. So I’ll go down to that cafe in the morning, see if they’re still looking for staff.’
‘Wow, I’m impressed! Geraldine’s made a genuine jobseeker of you just like that.’ She snapped her fingers.