Chapter 15 Mile Fifteen #2
“They’re running gloves,” he explains, taking my hand and running his finger along my palm. “From the now daily reminders to lotion my hands you’ve put on our shared calendar, I know how important hand maintenance is to you.”
“Hand maintenance?” I guffaw.
“I’d imagine holding the rope, especially as we increase our distance, may rub and callous your hands. Thought these could protect them.”
He traces slow patterns against my palms that are either the number eight or an infinity symbol. I’m not sure which, but what I am sure of is there is a bonfire of emotions within me. Each stroke against my skin stokes that fire just a little more.
“Garrett…” I sniffle, already losing the battle with my emotions. There’s no prick of tears to push back… They just come.
“No… Please don’t cry,” He runs his hands up to my face, wiping away tears from my cheeks.
“God, I’m so obnoxious.” I push my glasses up and wipe at my eyes. “I’m sorry. This happens when I get overwhelmed with emotions.”
“I remember, but I still don’t like it… I don’t like making you cry.” Sighing, he presses his forehead against mine. “I’m so sorry.”
“Please, don’t apologize. You didn’t…” My brow wrinkles. “Well, you did, but it’s not bad. It’s sweet. It’s just…you’re so sweet and thoughtful, and I’m already failing us.”
“What?” He pulls back.
“These gloves.” I motion between us with the gloves. “You’re holding up your end of this partnership, and I’m not. I was a mess Wednesday night, because I couldn’t trust you and this…” I hold the gloves up again. “You’re so trustworthy, but…”
“But what?” His whispered question drips with worry.
“I don’t trust myself.” I cast my gaze downward. “I don’t trust that I’m not making a mistake.”
“With me?”
I look up at the pain in his voice. “Yes.” My admission is so quiet.
“I can’t promise you that I won’t fail you—”
“No!” I shake my head.
I fold my arms around his torso, so he doesn’t just hear what I’m about to say, but feels it. “Please understand me, this isn’t about you not being amazing or me not trusting you. It’s me I don’t trust.”
“It’s okay if you don’t—”
“But I do trust you.” I tip my head up.
He lifts his hand and cradles the back of my head. “I believe you.”
“Outside of my family, I don’t have a lot of close people in my life besides Catherine and you.
Kayla is becoming a good friend, but she’s still new.
We know I pick terrible men to have romantic feelings for, but I’ve also done that with friends…
In high school and, again, in college. I told you about those sorority girls… ”
Besides Dr. Nor, I’ve not really talked about this with anyone.
Not my parents, Anker, or Catherine, but I want to tell him.
Part of trusting someone is letting them see you at your most vulnerable.
Each time I expose myself to this man, he remains in front of me.
He doesn’t run away. He doesn’t leave me behind or tell me I’m “too much” to deal with.
I swallow down the acidic taste of the raw emotions of what I’m sharing, and push on, “I found out they only wanted me to rush to help with their reputation at a frat party they’d dragged me to.
I’d never been there. I wasn’t familiar with the house.
” I wipe at my eyes. “They convinced me to leave my cane, so I could just be normal for the night. Their words, not mine. They thought it might help me get a boyfriend, which they were teasing me about. After I found out that they were only using me and said I didn’t want to rush, they ditched me there. ”
“Fuck… You didn’t have your cane. How did you get home?”
I clear my throat. “Anker was gone that weekend for a track meet, so I didn’t know what to do.
He was the only other human I knew here.
I stayed pressed up against the wall for what felt like forever, hoping someone would come along or they would come back.
They didn’t, but some drunk frat guy came along, and he got handsy and… ”
“I’ll fucking kill him,” he snarls.
“He didn’t get far. Chase came along. It was before he and I started our whatever that was. In fact, that’s how it may have ramped up. Before that night, he was just the nice guy who worked at the student union with me. He rescued me that night.”
“Only to break your heart another night.” He sighs.
“Yeah.” I wipe at the tears that wouldn’t stop coming.
I don’t want to be this woman. I don’t want to be standing in front of a man, that deep in my marrow, I know will never hurt me, crying about those who did. A woman who is anchored down by her past, when she just wants to run free from it.
“I will kill him too,” he growls, pressing me unimaginably closer to him.
It’s almost as if he wants to tuck me inside his chest for safety. His thudding heart echoes in my ears. Like a siren’s song, it coaxes me to continue to share these things with him. These things I don’t like to talk about, but I do—with him.
“I need names. Addresses. Next of kin.”
“It’s fine. It was a long time ago.” I let out a watery laugh.
“It’s not fine.”
“It’s what I’m working on with Dr. Nor.” I sigh. “So, I can tell the difference between real and perceived danger.”
“And you perceive me as a danger?”
“No.” I burrow into him. “Not you exactly. I know I’m safe with you. It’s more that my body reacts, which then causes a tug between my heart and my body, and it confuses my brain.”
He massages his fingers into my scalp. “Your heart versus your body? What does your heart say?”
I tilt my head up, meeting his stare. “That I trust you.”
“You deserved…deserve…better. Fuck them. Fuck Chase. Fuck Miles. Fuck everyone who ever hurt you. Whoever made you question yourself. You didn’t choose the wrong people; the wrong people took advantage of your kindness.
You have such a big heart, and all you want to do is be loved.
There’s nothing wrong with that. You deserve that. ”
“I want to believe that so much…” My voice cracks.
Eyes closed, I press my head against his chest, his fingers soothe with each caress against my scalp.
Without saying anything, he scoops me up like I weigh nothing.
He slides into the passenger seat, facing the still-open door, and positions me on his lap, cradling me in his arms. He just holds me tight.
“It’s the last thing I ever want to do, but I may fail you. I can’t promise you that won’t happen,” he rasps as if it hurts to speak.
“I know you won’t fail me.” I nuzzle into him, not even letting myself question what’s happening. All I want to do is lean into his warmth, his strength. “I know you have me.”
It’s not just all the evidence stacking up in support that Garrett Marlowe doesn’t just have me, but will always have me; it’s the certainty that fills me.
For the first time, there’s no whisper inside me that I’m making a mistake with Garrett.
I can trust him. I can trust that I’ve made the right choice in who I’ll run this race with.
“But I may…” He rests his chin atop my head. “I’m in a constant state of fear that I’ll fail the people I care about. That I’ll let them down, because I already did…”
“With Val?” I whisper.
“Yes.” I feel his throat bob.
I want to push him to open up to me, but I know from the dull ache in my own chest that he’s already revealed more to me tonight than he’s used to.
Garrett keeps so much behind his almost constant frown and, sometimes, gruff snark.
Just sharing his fear is huge for him. As greedy as I am for more of this man, I need to be okay with walking before we run together.
“It happened at the holidays. It’s why I don’t go back this time of year,” he says, his voice hoarse. “Bryce and Lara were in town. We were at this pub near my parents’ place on the Southside. We’d been drinking.”
I nod, thinking how Garrett never drinks. Soda. Coffee. The occasional fancy latte that I convince him to drink. Anker and I will indulge, but he never does.
“She had this junker car that was always having issues. We kept talking about getting her a new one but kept making excuses not to go to the dealership. Work. Family. Friends. It didn’t seem like a big concern, because we worked at the same hospital and could carpool or take public transit.
She was getting off shift, and the car wouldn’t start.
It was late and I’d been drinking, so she called a rideshare.
I told her to text me when she got home.
Thirty minutes later, I got the call about the accident. She was already gone.”
I tilt my head up to take him in. The streetlamp replaces the dying light from the sunset. The yellow glow mixes with the shadows, only allowing me to make out the downward curve of his lips.
“If I hadn’t been drinking. If I’d insisted on getting her a new car. If…”
“Ifs are as dangerous as expectations.” Hand placed on his chest, I trail it up until I find his cheek. His stubble rasps against my palms as I bracket his face. “You didn’t fail anyone.”
“Turnip,” he whispers.
I soothe my fingers against his cheeks. “Turnip.”
“I’m sorry,” he breathes.
“We don’t have to explain turnip, remember?”
“I know… After tonight, I won’t see you until January, and I don’t want to spend the last night of the year that I have with you sad.”
“Okay.” Without thinking, I raise my hand and trace his frown. “Then let’s turn this upside down.” I feel the twitch of his lips.
“My silly girl,” he murmurs.
Something flutters in my chest at that. “Will you go do something with me?” I bite my lower lip.
Garrett trusts me enough to share his story with me. It makes me want to be brave.
Thirty minutes later, we park on Second Street in Belmont Shore. The Long Beach neighborhood tucked against the Pacific Ocean is a busier version of downtown Seal Beach. It’s also a short walk to Naples, where houses along the canal draped in Christmas lights brighten the night sky.
It’s one of my favorite parts about Christmas. I have enough vision to enjoy the way the colorful decorations make the darkness sparkle.
We made a quick stop for me to change into jeans, a sweater, a scarf, and sneakers. Garrett laughed when I emerged in a sparkly pink Santa hat from my bathroom. I threatened him with the pair of reindeer antlers that now sit in his backseat.
As Garrett turns off the SUV, I look up at him. “Reindeer antlers?”
“Nope.”
“Boo!” I give him a thumbs down. “Guess I’ll be the lone festive fashionista in our duo.”
“Come on, Mrs. Claus.”
“I’m going to leave my cane here.”
“Okay,” he says slowly, seeming to take in my meaning.
From Second Street to Naples, through each side of the canal, and back will be approximately two to three miles.
It will push me to be guided through a terrain that I’m not familiar with.
Without my cane, I won’t be able to anticipate ruts, drop-offs, bends, and other changes outside of what Garrett communicates as my guide.
“I hope it’s okay that we just do regular human guide.
I thought about the rope, but I didn’t want to make this all about training.
I wanted this to also be a little Christmas fun.
Since you’ll be working.” I motion between us.
“Though, I realize looking at Christmas lights is more my thing, so if you want to go steal all the presents from Whoville or whatever you like to do for the holidays, we can do that after.”
He laughs.
I smile. “I know your mom loves to cook. Did she do a special meal for Christmas?”
“Pizza.” A contented sigh escapes him. “Mom cooks all the time, so the holidays are her days off. Christmas Eve, Dad orders pizza. Each of us get our favorite. We’d eat, play board games, and watch movies.”
“An entire pizza for yourself?” My eyes widen. “Oh my god, I need to experience a Marlowe Christmas. It sounds perfect!” I grin.
He huffs a chuckle. “Hard pass. You and my mom would be dangerous.”
“Moms love me,” I say with mock indignation.
He laughs, opening his door. “That’s what I’m scared of. You two would team up, and I’d never know peace again.”
“Now this has to happen.” I open my door. “We’ll discuss travel plans after Christmas lights, during our pizza time. And sir…” I arch an eyebrow. “I will be ordering my own pizza and garlic knots.”
He rounds the car. “I imagine you’ll want a hot chocolate for our Christmas light stroll, too?”
“Naturally.” I smirk. “And since hot chocolate isn’t a latte, I’m made in the shade.”
“Made in the shade?” A deep belly laugh belts out of him, causing a triumphant grin to pop across my face. “The things that come out of your mouth sometimes… You ready?” he offers me his arm.
“I’d be more ready if you put on the reindeer antlers.”
“Not happening.”
Biting my lip, I wrap my hand around his bicep and position myself just a step and slightly behind him. “Let’s do this.”