Chapter Thirty-Eight
“Welcome to my humble home,” August announced as the door swung open.
From the entryway, Vivian spotted a couch and single chair adjacent to a small kitchen with a high counter and two stools. An open bathroom and bedroom were visible just down the hall. “You didn’t say why you have this place. I thought you lived at Yarrow House.”
“So does the press, thank goodness. I’m there often enough, but my aunt can be a bit …”
“Dictatorial,” Xavier suggested.
August grunted. “Anyway, I like having my own space, at least for now. Someday I’ll inherit Yarrow Estate and its council seat, but I trust that will be decades from now.
” He gestured to the kitchen. “Grab something to eat. Use the shower and the laundry. Whatever you need. I’ll get out of your way. ”
Vivian looked up sharply. “You’re leaving?”
“I need to brief the Arcadian militia. They should know what’s happening in Catena.”
Xavier nodded. “Good. I would do it myself if it weren’t for these damn journalists.”
August pulled the orb out of his pocket and placed it carefully on a high shelf in the kitchen. “Don’t let X smash this with a hammer while I’m gone,” he said to Vivian with a small smile.
“How long will you be away?” Xavier held his cousin’s gaze for a long moment and tilted his head. Something passed between them Vivian couldn’t interpret.
“I’ll bunk with the soldiers,” August finally said in his easy way. He gave Xavier a tight hug. “Stay out of trouble for one night, eh?”
“My only goal is to escort Vivian to Presentation Day,” Xavier replied. “What trouble could I find?”
“I’m sure you’ll drum up something.” He bowed over Vivian’s hand. “Keep an eye on him, my lady. You seem to have a knack for saving him from himself.” He shut the door firmly behind him as he left.
“We should eat, wash up, and get some sleep. I’ll take the couch.” Xavier stepped into the kitchen in two long strides and opened a cabinet. “Spaghetti alright for you?”
“Fine.” Vivian joined him in the kitchen and pulled her weary body onto a tall bar stool adjacent to the high counter. “You don’t have to take the couch.”
Xavier didn’t meet her eyes as he cleaned his hands and filled a large pot with water from the sink. “I believe I do.” He carried the pot to the two-burner induction stove. “You didn’t tell me—who’s the lucky man?”
“Ren Nakamura. If he’ll still have me.” She remembered the beautiful pearl necklace he’d given her. She’d left it carelessly on her bedside table without another thought when she’d departed for Dorsey House.
“Ren!” Xavier scowled. “That ass? He’s enamored with the sound of his own voice.” He opened a jar of marinara sauce with so much vigor it splattered on the wall.
Vivian stood and grabbed a cloth to clean up the spill. “Ren is a good man. And you’re jealous.”
“I’ve no right to be.” He bent his head and seemed to give his full attention to opening the container of pasta.
“Maybe not, but you’re still jealous.” Vivian looked down at the reddened cloth in her hands. Not blood. Pasta sauce. She dropped it in the efficiency laundry.
Xavier leaned back against the counter. “It’s just the thought of that entitled blowhard with his hands all over you …
” He made a throwaway gesture with one hand.
“My feelings aren’t important. I’m here to support you and your decisions.
You’re right—Ren and I don’t often see eye to eye on policy, but he will treat you well. ”
“I haven’t made any promises yet,” Vivian murmured, taking a step closer to him.
Xavier dumped the noodles into the boiling water and turned on a timer before rotating to face her. “What are you saying?”
“What if tonight, just this night, belonged to us?” Vivian reached up, her fingertips touching the sides of his throat. When he moved to pull back, she got on her tiptoes and grabbed the back of his neck roughly. Xavier made a sound low in his throat and bent his head to hers.
Silas was the last person to kiss him, Vivian remembered, as she opened her mouth to Xavier’s tongue. She found she didn’t care. And tomorrow, she meant to accept Ren’s offer. None of it mattered, not tonight.
The timer beeped, and they sprang apart. “Dinner,” Xavier said unsteadily.
They ate without speaking, enjoying the simple warm food filling their bellies. Vivian rose and took care of the few dishes. Xavier watched her quietly with a flickering smile.
When she’d finished, he brushed a lock of matted hair back from her face. “We need to clean up.”
They took turns in the small bathroom. The shower had real water, and Vivian closed her eyes and allowed the warmth to wash away the grime of the past few days.
Let it all go, she thought. The dried sweat on her skin.
The traces of blood under her fingernails.
The smell of fire lingering in her hair.
By the time she came out of the bathroom, Xavier had completed a laundry cycle and handed her the same black Catena-style clothing to slip back on, now clean. He wore his own laundered pants with a bare torso as he stood in the small bedroom rummaging in a first aid kit.
“How are your injuries?” Vivian asked.
“Healing well.”
Vivian moved closer to peer at his marred brown skin. “They’re almost fully scabbed over. So fast.”
Xavier taped a new bandage in place with brisk efficiency. “The liquid stiches were first rate. That was quick thinking on your part, to get a medical kit.” He sat down on August’s neatly made bed. “Come here.”
Vivian sank down beside him, suddenly shy. They had been through so much together and yet, in some ways, were still strangers to each other.
Xavier took his palm and held it upright, against her hand. He threaded his long fingers in between hers.
Vivian trembled. “I thought Martians and Earthers couldn’t hold hands.”
“We can, with trust and careful communication.” Xavier’s dark brown eyes held her gaze. “I am in your power, Vivian Bowen. If you squeeze your hand too tightly, you might sprain my fingers. You may even break something.”
Vivian took note of his rapid breathing, the way his lips parted slightly. “This excites you?” She hadn’t quite figured out the contours of his confusing sexual desires, but she found she was interested in further exploration.
“To surrender to another person is the ultimate form of intimacy. Tighten your fingers, just slightly.” Vivian obeyed.
“Stop,” he gasped. Vivian tried to pull her fingers away, but he held on fast. “Do you see? I put my body quite literally in your hands, but you gave the power back to me by obeying my limit.”
“I do,” she said slowly. “But that doesn’t mean I want to hurt you.”
Xavier smiled slightly. “I have no interest in being hurt. What I want is for us to surrender to each other. To give power and receive it.” He disentangled his fingers and put one hand behind her head. “Will you try that with me?”
Vivian nodded, unsure of what she was agreeing to.
Xavier leaned forward and brought his lips to hers.
He kissed her like he was drowning in her, his tongue exploring her mouth and his teeth biting her lower lip.
Vivian surrendered to the kiss, letting him take control.
Her body stayed attune to the movement of his lips and hands, her mind fully present in the moment.
He pulled her back on the bed, positioning them side to side. Vivian gently ran a finger along the edge of his dense close-cropped hair, down his neck, and his bare chest, featherlight on the bandages. She reached the vee of his lower stomach and lifted her chin to meet his eyes.
“Would you—touch me?” Xavier asked.
Vivian nodded, wordless. He pulled off his remaining clothes in one smooth motion. She let her eyes move over his naked body and then brought her hand over his thigh and took him in hand.
She watched his face as she moved her wrist, observing the way his lips parted, and his breath came out in short huffs. She understood, then, what he meant about giving power and receiving it. In this moment, with his pleasure under her control, she felt powerful.
“More, please,” he murmured against her neck. “I have no bones to break on that particular appendage.”
Vivian tightened her grip and saw how his breath came faster. She liked hearing the little moans coming out of his mouth. She liked watching this proud, controlled man come undone in her hand. Finally, he clutched her thigh and let out a short, loud groan, shuddering.
Xavier opened his eyes and grinned at her. With one long hand, he reached to the side of August’s bed for a tissue and cleaned her hand and his stomach.
“Is that what you meant by surrender?”
He threaded his fingers through her hair and pulled her face close to his. “In part. May I show you more?”
Vivian nipped his lower lip. “Are you going to ask me every time?”
“Until I understand your boundaries. I have no wish to coerce you into an act you don’t enjoy.” His lips moved to her ear. “I want you on top of me.”
Vivian hesitated. “I—I thought that was dangerous.”
Xavier’s eyes gleamed. “That’s what makes it fun.”
Vivian pulled back slightly. “I’m beginning to think you have a death wish.”
“You won’t crush me.” He put a hand on her hip. “Climb on top of me but don’t touch me.”
Vivian obeyed, placing a leg on either side of his and bracing her hands at his shoulders.
She had a sudden, terrifying vision of falling and breaking one of his bones and fully derailing their plans for the morning.
But no, the position was easy to maintain in this gravity, even in distracting circumstances.
Xavier—who Vivian was beginning to understand was definitely aroused by danger—wet his lips.
“Oh, very nice. Don’t move.” He pulled down the loose tank top and put his mouth on her breast. Vivian’s arms trembled.
He slipped his hand into the inside of her waistband and circled her wetness.
His eyes widened. “I’d say you like this very much. ”
Vivian’s legs were shaking as his fingers dipped inside her, pleasure mounting. “I can’t—I’m going to fall.”
Xavier hadn’t stopped moving his fingers, finding a rhythm that made her gasp, “You’re so strong here. Your muscles can’t be tired yet.” He brought his tongue to her nipple.
Vivian concentrated on staying still and not bringing her full weight onto his fragile bones. Her whole body shook with the effort. Her entire world had shrunk to this moment. To his mouth and fingers. To the pulsing need in her core.
Her climax hit her unexpectedly. Vivian gripped the blanket with one clenched fist, gasping as she writhed inches above him, a corner of her brain still focused on keeping him safe.
She rolled off Xavier and collapsed on her back. Her breath came rapidly, and her body sang with a sense of deep satisfaction.
“That’s what I meant by surrendering,” Xavier murmured. He seemed a bit smug as he watched her try to wrestle her breathing under control.
“Is it always like that?” she panted.
Xavier put one arm behind his head. “No.”
“What was it like with Silas?” she asked without thinking.
Xavier sat up abruptly. She shouldn’t have asked. She’d broken the beautiful spell between them.
“Was it that obvious?”
“His hatred of you is very … personal. And I was there in the command center.”
Xavier winced. “I’d rather hoped you missed the whole show.”
“I saw.”
Xavier grunted low in his throat. The silence stretched between them. And then, he said softly, “We were so young when we started. Boys experimenting. But he had a dark streak, even then. Especially after my father died.”
“Did you like his darkness?”
“Oh yes,” Xavier murmured. “After what happened with my parents, I craved what Silas offered me. Took solace in it when my heart was breaking. But looking back on it, he was showing me his true nature. Only, I was too na?ve to understand at the time.” He turned to her and ran a hand down her arm.
“What I like—what we did just now—was looking for a limit. We didn’t cross it, but we might have.
For a moment, you were afraid you’d hurt me, weren’t you? ”
“Yes,” Vivian whispered.
“You could’ve stopped at any time. You didn’t because you trusted me. You surrendered to me. But if you hadn’t liked it, you could’ve stood up, and I wouldn’t—I couldn’t—have stopped you.” He rubbed a hand over his face. “It wasn’t like that with Silas.”
“What was it like?”
“We were both so angry. So broken. Newly men with adult responsibilities. Abandoned by my father when we both needed his mentorship and guidance the most.” Xavier swallowed.
“We took it out on each other. Silas wanted to push me past my limits. I would tell him to stop, and he would laugh. That—” He shuddered.
“That wasn’t the first time he’d used a knife.
But I found it exciting, at least for a while.
When I was a young man. Before I understood why we revere consent here.
I didn’t understand then that it was a form of abuse.
And when I finally realized what was happening and found the strength to break it off for good, he … ”
“He went after your sister,” Vivian finished.
“Yes.”
“In the command center, you—he said—” Vivian hesitated before blurting, “You were aroused.”
“I was. Even with what he did to Delilah fresh in my mind and my chest covered in his handiwork, my body still responded to his.” Xavier pulled his legs to his chest. “My psychologist says my early traumatic sexual experiences have given me low sexual self-efficacy and make me unable to distinguish between high-risk and low-risk sexual behaviors.”
“Oh … I just thought you were turned on by danger.”
Xavier huffed a laugh. “That’s perfect. So simple. No psychodynamic psychotherapy required.” He turned to her. “Are you angry I didn’t tell you the full truth sooner?”
“No, of course not. You deserve your privacy. And we both know I have no claim on you.”
“Vivian,” he whispered and sank down beside her once again. “Do you really believe that?”
Vivian shook her head. Why did he have to be so confusing? “We have a big day tomorrow. We should get some rest.”
“We do.” Xavier kissed the top of her head. “Sleep well.”