Chapter 29
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
KIT
I found a coffee shop and hunkered down in the corner, the pastry I’d bought to go with it untouched in front of me.
Coffee was about all I’d existed on for what felt like forever.
I looked at my phone, at the one message Alex had sent me.
Call me. That was all, the message sent late the night before.
There hadn’t been an unending stream of calls or messages from him since I’d told him to go, told him I had to think, told him I had to decide if I wanted, if I could, have him in my life.
Perhaps it was irrational because a big part of me wanted him to chase and plead and beg, as much as I wanted to be left alone to go over and over and over again what I’d been told.
Yes, it was irrational because love’s irrational.
And there was the problem.
I loved Alex. It all boiled down to that.
What he was, what he’d become, all the shit he was involved in, I hated it all. It made me sick, sad, and angry all at the same time. But Alex Cade, the man I’d come to know beneath the cool, hard exterior, I loved that man and I wasn’t sure I could let him go and turn away from him.
I finished my coffee and ordered another, as I pushed the untouched pastry aside before I checked my watch, astonished to find I’d been hunkered over my corner table for almost two hours.
No wonder the staff were shooting looks my way.
I needed to leave, but first I needed to make a call.
Pulling up Alex’s number, I tapped the call icon and waited.
Alex opened his door even before I had the chance to ring the bell; he looked awful, and I knew I looked no better.
“You’re soaking wet. I told you I’d send a car.”
“I’ll dry off.” I walked into the enveloping heat of the flat, the warmth like a hug. I was frozen to the bone and the downpour I’d got caught in as I came out of the tube station had soaked through to my skin.
“Get out of your clothes, I’ll get you something to wear.” His words were tight and hard, almost angry, but the crease across his forehead and squint of his eyes spoke of pain.
Minutes later I emerged from the bathroom, my soaking clothes draped over the radiator, wearing jogging bottoms and a thick hoodie, which were big and baggy on me. Well worn, and well laundered, they still held a hint of the orange and lemon cologne that was Alex’s signature scent.
I made my way to the kitchen, expecting to find Alex making coffee. Instead he was slathering toast with butter and jam. He looked up and our eyes met.
“You look like you could do with something to eat. Sorry, but I haven’t got much in. I could order—”
I shook my head. “No, toast is fine. I’ve kind of been existing on coffee since…” I told you to leave.
He pushed the toast towards me, from the other side of the big kitchen island. I nibbled a piece, unsure if I’d be able to keep it down, but instead it was gone in moments.
“I didn’t know if you’d call.”
I pushed the crumb covered plate aside. “I didn’t know if I would either. It was a close thing.” Was it? Now I was here with him, I knew it for the lie it was.
“But you’re here.”
“Yes.”
Silence pressed down on us as we faced each other across the island.
From the moment I’d walked through the door, we’d kept our distance.
Not a touch, not even an accidental one, yet I craved to feel his hands on me, his lips, his breath caressing and warming my skin.
I wanted it so much I ached. But first we had to talk and I couldn’t do it under the hard light in the cool kitchen.
“It’s cold in here.” I got up and made my way through to the living room and tucked myself into the corner of the sofa.
Alex sat at the other end, and leant forward.
Everything about him was tense and tightly wound.
I longed to touch him, but I curled my hands into fists.
What Alex told me next would decide if I could ever again let myself touch him, or him me, or if I walked out and never looked back.
My stomach churned and threatened to rebel.
“I’ve been to see Kelvin. I told him I’m finished with the business.
” His head dropped forward before he looked up at me, his tired eyes meeting mine.
“I’m signing my half of everything over to him.
He can have it all, because I’m done with it.
I had a document drawn up. He tore it in two.
” Alex shrugged, as though it was of no consequence, but I could see the pain and distress in that shift of his shoulders.
“Doesn’t stop me from doing what I’m doing, though. ”
He slumped back into the sofa and rubbed his eyes. “He’s given me no choice, Kit. I have to do this. I have to walk away.”
The unspoken words hung in the air: Alex was turning his back not just on the business, but on Kelvin, and it was shredding him to the core.
I ached for the deep, deep friendship that was fracturing and how much this was ripping Alex apart.
But then I remembered Kelvin’s icy intimidation, delivered with a smile, those he’d had a quiet word with, and the knife Alex had said Kelvin had always carried, and maybe still did.
He’d edged along the sofa, and was now only inches away.
In the warmth of the room, as I looked into his tired, drawn face I truly understood for the first time what it was costing him, and not in cold, hard cash.
The money didn’t matter to Alex, I knew it in my gut.
As much as I loathed and feared Kelvin, he’d been a part of Alex since they were not much more than kids.
Alex wasn’t just breaking through the brick wall they’d built together, he was also cutting out a piece of his soul which would leave a deep and jagged scar.
“Please, Kit. Please don’t walk away from me.”
He drifted his fingertips down my cheek, along my jawbone.
It was light, tentative, as though he were touching me for the first time, as though he were discovering me.
Walk away from him? I should have backed off and run as fast as I could from the first moment our eyes had met.
But I hadn’t been able to then, and I couldn’t do it now.
I closed my eyes as his hand slipped around to the back of my neck as he eased me nearer, as I let him, as our lips touched.
No, I wasn’t walking away.
Muttering in his sleep, Alex shifted onto his back, illuminated by the weak light of the winter moon streaming through the window, in the dark hours before dawn.
God knows, but he needed his rest.
From the moment he’d fallen asleep, Alex had thrashed around, fighting demons and nightmares I couldn’t even begin to imagine. He’d cried, in his sleep, and I’d held him close, whispering words of comfort until, at last, he’d quietened and settled.
My heart clenched hard as I looked down at him. I liked to watch him sleeping, even though I never told him that. It was like my own little private piece of him, yet we had come so close to losing this, to losing everything between us.
Could I, given the choice, have walked away from him? My heart had always known the answer even if my head hadn’t. Whatever path we were now on, we were on it together and to the end.
God alone knew what the coming days and weeks would bring, with Kelvin. Because this wasn’t over.
A legal document, torn up or not, wouldn’t and couldn’t be the end of their story.
The room was warm, but I shivered. I didn’t want to think about Kelvin, or any of it, not in the bedroom, not when it was just me and Alex.
For a while, I wanted all the madness locked out and kept as far away as possible.
I wanted a tall, high wall, one that would shield the two of us from the madness that raged on the other side.
Resting my palm against the warm skin of Alex’s chest, I felt the rise and fall of his steady breathing but also the hard, rigid tension in his muscles.
Alex’s eyelids fluttered before opening fully. He blinked and turned to me.
“You stayed.”
I nodded, and pressed a kiss to his lips.
“Kit…” he moaned, a fragile sound that wavered in the stillness of the room. I could feel the weight of it, the strain in his tone, like a thread stretched thin and on the verge of snapping.
“Shh,” I murmured, my lips brushing against his in a featherlight touch. “You don’t have to say anything.”
I kissed him again, slower this time, coaxing him to let go of the tension he carried.
Trailing a line of kisses along the sharp line of his jaw, his stubble was rough against my lips.
I kissed the curve where his jaw met his neck, feeling the steady, reassuring thrum of his pulse beneath my mouth.
He exhaled slowly, the sound low and heavy, a sigh of relief that seemed to loosen something deep inside him.
Alex reached for me, but I eased his arms away.
“No. Just lie back. Let me do this for you. Let me take care of you.”
That was all it took. He sank back into the pillows; as I settled beside him, as I leant over him, the last of his tension began to fade.
“I’m not going anywhere.” Words which had already been said, but he needed to know the truth of them. “I’ve made you a promise, and it’s one I will never break.”
I kissed his collarbone before dipping lower, my lips following a wandering, lazy path down his chest. Taking my time, I let each touch, each press of my lips, speak for me.
This wasn’t about rushing, wasn’t about urgency.
It was about grounding him, comforting him, showing him, without words, how deeply I understood what he needed.
My hands moved across the smooth expanse of his chest, my fingers mapping the hard muscle beneath his skin, before I kissed over his heart, feeling its steady thud against my lips.
He sighed and I glanced up at him. His face was unguarded, his features loose in a way I rarely saw. The sight made my chest ache with a weight that was almost suffocating.
“I love you.” Three simple words, and the truest I’d ever said.
“How can you love a man like me? Everything I’ve done, everything I’ve been—”
“How can I not?”
“I—”
“Sshh.” I pressed a finger to his lips, silencing all his doubt. “Don’t speak, not now.” I didn’t need to hear him say he loved me. I knew he did, in every part of me, and that was enough. This moment, in silence, in the warmth of the bed, was all about Alex, and only him.
I kissed lower, feeling the subtle shift of muscle beneath his skin as he moved beneath me. His breathing had deepened, steady, rhythmic, his body surrendering to my touch.
When I reached his hips, I paused, lifting my head to meet his gaze. His eyes locked onto mine, and in that moment, I saw everything: the vulnerability he rarely let anyone see, the trust he gave me so freely, the silent plea for comfort he didn’t need to voice.
I held his gaze as I leant down, letting him see everything I felt for him in my eyes before I took him into my mouth.
His breath caught. His hand found my head, his fingers tightening in my hair, not to guide or demand, but simply to hold on.
I took my time only to give him everything I could in this moment.
Nothing rushed, nothing hurried. Everything was about connection, about showing him how much he meant to me, how deeply I understood him, how much I loved him despite everything.
“Kit…” His voice broke on my name, a soft, breathless sound that sent a shiver along the length of my spine.
I responded without words, taking him deeper. His breathing quickened, his chest rising and falling with increasing urgency, but I stayed patient, steady, giving him everything he needed.
His fingers tightened in my hair as his body tensed beneath me. I glanced up, catching the way his head tipped back, his lips parting as a low, guttural sound escaped him.
I didn’t stop, didn’t falter, holding him through his rising climax, his body trembling as he came undone. His release was quiet but intense, his muscles quivering, my name falling from his lips as he spilled into my mouth.
I stayed with him until he softened, until his breathing slowed, until his muscles melted. Only then did I pull back, climbing up his body to kiss him hard to let him taste himself on my lips.
Alex pulled me in close, and held on hard.
“I’m here,” I whispered against his skin. “I’m always here.”
He didn’t speak, but the tightening of his hold told me everything I needed to know.
I refused to think about what had been or what was to come. For now, there was only this, us, wrapped around each other in the silent darkness of the night.