Chapter 8 #2
“Right. So, we’ve had a few years to get to know each other, and in that time, I haven’t once been afraid of you, or not wanted to hang out with you.
In fact, I desperately wanted to spend time with you, but I didn’t know how to make that happen.
Now that we’ve finally acted on this attraction we’ve had toward each other…
I’m happier than I’ve been in a long time, Finn. ”
“I’m not sure I know what happy is anymore. All I know is that I feel itchy and unsettled until you arrive, and the second you leave, that feeling returns until I see you again and know for certain that you and Jasna are safe and content.”
She tilted her head as she studied him quietly.
“What?” he asked.
“I want to say something, but I don’t want you to think I’m putting my therapist hat on and analyzing you.”
Tonka’s lips twitched. “Go ahead. Say it. I promise I won’t think that.”
“I’m thinking you feel that way because of whatever happened in your past.”
He nodded slowly.
“You don’t have to talk to me about it, but I get it, Finn.
I do. After my mom was killed, I was afraid to let my dad out of my sight.
Whenever he had to go to work, even years after the murder, I felt physically sick until I saw him again.
I want to tell you that nothing will happen to me.
I can’t,” she said sadly. “But I’m careful.
I’m a single woman with a young daughter.
I’ve had to be more watchful of my surroundings because of how the world works. ”
Tonka took a deep breath and nodded. “I know. My brain knows that you’re a grown woman who’s been on her own for a long time. I just…I couldn’t bear it if anything happened to you. I had to stand by and watch a loved one hurting, and I can’t do it again.”
It was as close as Tonka had ever gotten to sharing what happened on that awful day so long ago—and surprisingly, it didn’t bring back any more awful memories than he already carried in his head and heart.
Henley didn’t say anything for a long while, but she did hold his hand a little tighter. Eventually, she said, “I hope one day you can share what happened. If not with me, then with someone you trust.”
“I trust you,” Tonka said immediately, not wanting her to feel differently.
She smiled at him, then thankfully changed the subject. “And I appreciate you not being weird about the condoms.”
“Of course not,” he said. “It wouldn’t be smart of either of us to get involved in a sexual relationship and not use them.
But again, even once we’re comfortable with each other and our relationship progresses, as I hope it will, I’ll continue to use protection until we either decide to find an alternative birth control method, we break up, or we decide we want children together. ”
She inhaled sharply at that. “You want kids?” she asked.
Tonka shrugged. “Honestly? Before you, I would’ve said no way in hell. I didn’t want to be responsible for another helpless being ever again. But now that I’ve gotten to know you and Jasna better, I’m thinking…maybe.”
Tonka was aware that he’d let a big clue to his personal demons slip, but suddenly it didn’t seem quite so crucial to keep Steel’s memory locked away any longer.
“It’s almost overwhelming to think of going through raising a child again after all these years…but like you said, with the right person by my side, I don’t think it would be nearly as difficult. So, I’m a maybe as well.”
Tonka brought one of her hands up to his mouth and kissed her fingers. “I’m thinking it would be a good idea to stop talking about sex and babies. I’m not going to make love to you for the first time in the barn,” he said. “You probably have work to do, and I have shit to shovel.”
“Oh, yeah, that’s a mood killer,” Henley said with a roll of her eyes.
Tonka chuckled. As always, the sound was a little rusty, but it felt good. He stood, pulling Henley up with him. Then he kissed her again. Their hands wandered freely, and just feeling her curves under his palms was exciting and pushed his control to the limit.
One of her hands had delved under his shirt, and she was rubbing one palm over his nipples, the other holding his butt cheek in a death grip.
To be fair, he’d pushed the neck of her blouse aside and was tracing the edge of her bra with his thumb, while holding her against him with his other hand at the back of her neck.
When they finally pulled back and stared at each other, neither removed their hands. Tonka couldn’t find the strength to stop the movement of his thumb against her creamy skin. He looked down, wanting to put his mouth where his hand was more than he’d wanted anything in a very long time.
“Two weeks,” she said breathlessly, as if reminding herself, as well as him.
Tonka liked knowing she wanted him as much as he wanted her.
The anticipation was a kind of aphrodisiac for them both.
If she put her hand on his cock right that moment, he had little doubt he’d explode in seconds.
It was one thing to masturbate with his own hand, but having her touch him would be a completely different experience. Something he couldn’t wait to feel.
“I’m not with you for sex,” Tonka told her, his thumb still brushing back and forth slowly. “If you told me right here and now that sex was off the table permanently, I’d still want to be with you.”
The shy smile she bestowed on him made Tonka’s heart crack a little.
“Same. Although, for the record…sex is definitely not off the table. I want you, Finn. And you should know…I like sex. A lot.”
Tonka groaned. “Right. On that note, we need to stop.”
She giggled that time and squeezed his butt cheek once more before removing her hand from under his shirt, being sure to brush against every inch of his abdomen as she did. “What are our plans for after work?” she asked.
For a moment, Tonka had the urge to ask if she wanted to go to his cabin, but decided that probably wasn’t smart.
He loved being alone with her, but didn’t think either of them would be able to keep their hands to themselves.
And while Jasna was eating dinner at her camp, she needed to be picked up at six-thirty.
That wasn’t nearly enough time for Tonka to do what he wanted to every inch of Henley.
Especially not the first time they were together.
“Robert and Luna are making a New Mexican dinner tonight. Stacked red chile enchiladas, green chile stew, chiles rellenos, chicos, carne adovada, and sopaipillas and horno bread for dessert.”
“Oh my God, I think I gained ten pounds just listening to you say that,” Henley moaned.
“So you want to stay here and eat with me and the others, then go pick up Jas?”
“I’d love to. Will you come with me to get her? You can come back to the apartment with us for a while.”
Tonka had planned to start work on the new lean-to he wanted to put in the paddock, so the animals could have some shade for the summer and protection from snow in the winter, but spending time with Henley and her daughter sounded a lot more fun. “Yes.”
“Finn?”
“Yeah?”
“People like to say that our pasts don’t define us, but they’re wrong. They totally do. What happens in our lives shapes us into who we are today. And you, my friend, are a hell of a man.”
Her words sank into his soul, making him feel ten times lighter. “Go,” he said a little gruffly. “Or the first time we make love is gonna be right here and now in this barn, where anyone could walk in and disturb us.”
She grinned and pretended to contemplate whether or not to take him up on his threat, before backing up. “See you later,” she said, still smiling.
Tonka’s throat was so tight, he couldn’t respond. So he gave her a little chin lift. He stood where he was long after she’d disappeared from view. When he finally had control over his emotions, and body, he took a deep breath and headed back to the stall he’d been mucking when she’d arrived.
He hated that it had taken him so long to let Henley know he was interested, but then again, he wasn’t the same man now as he’d been when she was hired. Back then, he wouldn’t have even contemplated opening up enough to let her in.
Now? He thought he and Henley might have a better-than-average shot at a future together.
What had changed? There was more time between now and losing Steel, which was probably the biggest factor.
And he’d witnessed how happy Brick was with Alaska.
If his friend could overcome losing his entire SEAL team—and his guilt about not being able to save them—enough to have a healthy relationship with the woman who’d been his friend for most of his life, it gave Tonka hope that he might one day be able to have a healthy relationship as well.
Then there was Jasna. How could he continue to hold himself back emotionally when the girl was constantly telling him how happy she was? Showing him without words how much she enjoyed spending time with him and the animals he loved?
The two had cracked his heart open…and it didn’t hurt as much as Tonka had feared. Of course, being around them didn’t mean his worries were gone. There were just as many evil people in the world now as there were before. And Henley and Jasna could be taken from him just as easily as Steel had.
But the difference was, Tonka would fight to the death, his death, to make sure they were safe.
Unlike before…when all he’d been able to do was bear witness as Steel was tortured and killed.
Now, Tonka vowed to fight any person who dared put one finger on anyone he loved.
And every single animal at The Refuge was included in that sentiment.
Even the ornery goats who irritated him more often than not.
And if one of his friends was threatened? He’d go to Hell and back to be at their side.
Shaking his head as if he could remove the dark thoughts from his mind, Tonka picked up the shovel he’d propped against the wall earlier and did his best to concentrate on the task at hand.