Chapter 4
Four
James
By the time I finally returned to my rooms, I was exhausted.
I was also unsure how long I’d even been awake.
Such matters were tricky to calculate when I’d technically been awake for two lifetimes.
Er, let’s see…I’d woken up predawn the day before battle and then stayed awake all that night, only to battle the Demon King and die—did death count as sleeping?
—and then “woke up” in this timeline again, which meant… er…
My brain was too tired to even try to do the math.
Too long. I’d been awake too long. Clearly.
I got into the bath, hoping the hot water would help me unwind. Despite feeling like a giant fog had taken residence in my head, I felt antsy, unable to truly settle. Like I should be Doing Things, but I was in no state to be doing anything but sleeping.
I tried to reason with myself. Behold the clock on the wall. Note the time? Doth thou not perceive this is a late hour? Doth thou not realize it is past time to retire upon this fine eve?
Somehow, using ancient court language failed to be convincing. I wasn’t quite sure why.
Soaking in the tub did unwind some of the knots in my shoulders.
A weary sigh slipped out. How long had it been since I’d even bathed properly…
? On the front lines, we used a wet towel to wipe down, if we paused to worry about cleanliness at all.
It wasn’t a place conducive to relaxing, to say the least.
I lay there, staring at the ceiling. Ceilings were nice. They didn’t demand things of me, like math or answers. Quite a lovely invention, ceilings.
My eyes slipped closed for a second and I had to shake myself. No, no. No sleeping in the bathtub. That wouldn’t do at all, to accidentally drown and then return to my goddess and have to bargain for a third chance. Better not to risk it.
I pulled myself free of the water with effort, toweled off, and slipped into pajama pants. It was warm enough in the room to not bother with a top, so I slid into the bed. If my hair became a rat’s nest from sleeping on it while damp, well…I had potions for that.
I closed my eyes, determined to fall asleep. Gods above and below knew I’d earned rest. In the stillness of the room, without even a breeze to ruffle the curtains and only the ticking of the clock to keep me company, I realized it wasn’t my mind that refused to settle.
It was my heart.
My eyes slowly opened and I stared at the red canopy above the bed, the sharp ache in my chest flaring. In all the bustle of arguing with two angels, waking up in the past, and redoing what was now my present, I had somehow failed to properly mourn two things. One, Edwin’s death.
Two, my own.
Edwin’s hurt more than anything. I’d never know who had killed him or why.
This nebulous question would likely haunt me to my grave again.
There was no reason for it, which made all this more awful.
Edwin didn’t have political enemies, like me.
He hadn’t been a combatant. I could discern no motive except for one—to hurt me.
Oh, and it had. My world had imploded, and my soul with it. My body had kept moving, somehow, which seemed obscene. How dare my heart keep beating when his had stilled?
Yet beat it had. The demands of duty, of others’ lives, had pushed me to keep moving. Despite not wanting to, despite just wanting to crawl into the grave after him, I’d been forced to complete one more Task.
So I’d chosen to die by the Demon King’s hand.
Oh, I made sure I took the bastard with me, destroying his corporeal form so he was forced to return to the Underworld.
It was not like I could kill a god permanently, after all.
I wasn’t that powerful—just a man with a sword.
Still, I’d driven him back down to be sealed once more, which was sufficient.
And then I’d died.
Except death hadn’t brought the release I’d chased.
Tears seeped from my eyes, and I let them and my grief flow unimpeded.
It was a solace my Edwin lived once more.
If not for that, I very well might go back to the bathtub and try death a second time.
Still, he lived—he lived, and I had a chance denied me the first time.
A chance to love him openly. I tried to cling to that, to let the memory of his death go, since it had no place in this timeline.
My own death didn’t have a place in this timeline either, really, except as a restarting point.
I couldn’t regret my death. Still, it was a very strange feeling to have the visceral memory of pain flooding your body, of your life’s blood seeping from your wounds, letting out that death rattle and knowing you’d breathed your last breath—only to wake up perfectly fine in a soft bed.
Very, very strange. Surreal in the worst and best sense.
Sighing, I wiped away the tears and consoled myself once more. Edwin lived. I must focus on this present and not the past, at least in that sense. For now, that meant I must sleep. I wouldn’t be able to function at all tomorrow if I didn’t get some rest.
I rolled onto my side, tugged the covers up over my shoulder, and set myself to sleep.
It came in fits and snatches. I’d doze off, only to replay the memory of Allen announcing “Your Majesty, Edwin has been murdered” again and again, as if my subconscious was set to torture me.
Then I’d startle awake, tears streaming from my eyes, a pained cry echoing in the air, and realize it was a nightmare. A nightmarish memory, anyway.
Sleep, rinse, repeat.
Somewhere in the wee hours of the morning, I gave up.
I simply couldn’t do this cycle again. I didn’t have the heart for it, and the sleep I had gotten somehow seemed more taxing than staying awake.
With a long sigh, I threw the covers off and instead chose to dress in workout clothes.
I tied my hair back out of my eyes and slipped out of the room, heading for the nearest training yard.
Though not a prince yet, I had been put in a suite of rooms in my own wing of the palace, with the understanding that it would be mine going forward. This meant I had a training yard of my own relatively close, only two hallways away.
Of course, the rectangular training yard sat empty at this insane hour of the night, nor had I expected to see anyone here. I went immediately to the weapons wall, where various training equipment was organized.
Despite having used a sword to take on the Demon King, it wasn’t my strongest weapon, nor my favorite. I was decent but no swordmaster. No, the bow was my preferred weapon. I’d won many a competition with it. Needing something comforting in my hands, I selected one. The bow had never failed me.
I strung it up, selected a quiver of arrows, and paced myself away from the target hanging on the far wall. A few mage lights dimly lit the area, meant more for security patrols than any real illumination. It sufficed for my purposes.
Nock the arrow, pull, feel the exertion in my shoulders, my forearm—release.
Nock, pull, release.
The steady movement soothed my soul in a way I couldn’t explain.
Hearing the thunk of the arrow as it landed in the target was like a steady chant in my ears, keeping the dark memories at bay as I put one arrow after the next into the target.
Nicely grouped, too. Then again, if I couldn’t hit a still target at this distance, something was seriously wrong with me.
Finally, I emptied the quiver for the umpteenth time and went to retrieve them all. Only as I walked toward the target did I realize the sun had started to rise. How long had I been out here? Hours, of course, but exactly how long? Three, four?
Another wave of fatigue washed over me, but the concept of trying to return to my room and sleep for a few more hours sounded so distasteful, I couldn’t fathom it.
Never mind. I’d return to my room to wash the sweat off and dress for the day, but sleep was clearly out of the question.
Wistfully, I thought of the past. When I’d had trouble sleeping back then, my Edwin would sit and read to me.
He possessed a truly wonderful voice that would lull me to sleep each time.
If I ever needed such a favor, it was now.
And sadly, I couldn’t even ask.
I put the bow and arrows away before returning to my room. No point in pining for the past. I’d have to work to gain his trust once again, to rebuild our relationship up to that point—and hopefully past it.
I wasn’t the type to put all my eggs in one basket, either before or now, which meant I hadn’t sold my business upon my adoption as prince.
Quite frankly, I hadn’t thought I would become so thoroughly sucked in to the situation as to become king.
I’d thought I’d do princely duties in a more part-time manner, and after having spent so much of my heart and time on my business, I’d been loath to relinquish it.
Now, however, I was determined to keep running it and remain a part-time prince. I was here solely to help boost Helena onto the throne and nothing more, and then I’d return to my business. That was my very firm plan.
Which meant I had business paperwork to oversee before the official workday began.
Most of it sat on the desk in my new office, so I went there, making myself a strong cup of khavé from the sideboard before settling in.
The room was empty, and I expected it to stay so for another two hours or more.
It was barely dawn now. I’d pause and eat at, er, some point.
I couldn’t stomach the thought of eating now.
Maybe I’d have an early lunch instead of breakfast.
I’d always found it hard to eat when emotional or stressed. Edwin and I were very much alike in that aspect.
Most of my paperwork involved quick decision-making.
Ad campaigns submitted for my approval, new product designs, requests for branch stores to be opened, things of that ilk.
I had to read through them more carefully than usual because I couldn’t remember exactly what I’d done ten years ago.
My memory cottoned on after a while, and I recalled some of these decisions—including that one branch store.
I’d nix it. That location had failed before it could even fully open.
Everything else had worked rather well. Those I signed off on with full confidence.
The door to the office clicked open and I tilted my head up automatically to see who had entered.
Oh! It was Edwin!
A delighted smile took over my face and I barely resisted the urge to pop up and hug him. “Edwin, good morning.”
His head actually jerked back for a moment. “Er, good morning, Your Highness. I’m astonished to see you here at this hour.”
I’d always been a morning person, but he didn’t know that about me yet. “I couldn’t sleep. How are you?”
“Well, thank you.” He pointed to the cup sitting at my elbow. “Would you like another?”
The first one had done fuck all, so… “Yes, please.”
When he put a hand on the cup, I put mine on his forearm. “Two sugars and a hint of cream, please. I like mine sweet.”
He shifted in discomfort. “Of course.”
Dammit, I’d been too heavy-handed with the flirting. Argh. James, you idiot, you must remember Edwin’s shy by nature. He’s not used to flirting. Scale it back, now.
“Sorry. I didn’t intend to make you uncomfortable.”
He relaxed a hair and gave me a quick smile. “Not at all.”
So forgiving, my Edwin.
He fixed me another cup of khavé and brought it back. “I also found it quite hard to snerdle last night.”
I blinked up at him. Now, I was a highly educated man, who’d had both private tutors and schooling, and yet many a time I’d felt stupid talking to Edwin. “Snerdle?”
“Cozying under the covers,” he explained.
“Ah, right. It was a touch warm last night.”
“Yes, unseasonably so. I prefer it cooler in order to sleep.”
“So do I.” I made a mental reminder to buy him one of those fans. Wonderful inventions, the mechanical fans. They ran on magic, a true marriage of science and magic that produced wonderful results.
Wait, how did I casually gift one to him when he’d only known me a day?
Dammit, if I wasn’t so exhausted, I’d be able to think of a solution.
Never mind, I’d think more on this later. “What are you working on this morning?”
“Your travel plans.” He answered as he moved toward his own desk to my immediate left. “You intend to go to Berengar, do you not? Right after your adoption ceremony?”
“Well, yes, to reseal the portal.”
“Then I must work out the logistics of how to get there and who is going with you.” He settled in his chair and gave me a wry look, brow quirked. “Your days of going wherever you wish without company have now ended.”
Actually, I’d had company for ten years now and was quite used to it. I just wasn’t thinking this morning about demon portals, only of Edwin. It was so like him to come in early ahead of his coworkers to work on such tasks.
Couldn’t I sit here and bask in his presence while he worked, staring at his face and marveling at how young and handsome he looked?
It’d come off as creepy, wouldn’t it?
Dammit.