Chapter Fifteen #2
He grips me by the back of my neck and pulls me down toward him until our foreheads touch.
“Yeah? Want more?”
I bite my lip and nod.
He tilts his head up and kisses me. His lips are wet and swollen as he slides my lower lip between them in a slow drag, replacing my moisture with his own.
Connor. Masters. Kissed me. We’ve never kissed before—not beyond the friendly cheek or forehead peck. Not even during spin the bottle, as much as I tried to orchestrate that outcome.
I freeze, staring at him wide-eyed. His eyes sear back into mine. Then I chase after his lips and kiss him like I’ve dreamed of doing. Licking the inside of his mouth, tasting his tongue with mine, sucking that plump lower lip between mine until his skin releases with a quiet pop.
I pin him to the seat and ride his lap, grinding myself against him.
“Fuck, Birdy.”
“Don’t stop.”
“Never.”
It’s wet and sloppy and perfect.
“Connor—”
His hands slide up my thighs to my ass and squeeze.
I dive into the crook of his neck like a vampire going for a bite and trace his scent gland with my tongue.
Connor groans. His grip on my hips tightens painfully, and he pulls me down into his lap and grinds up into my core. We move together like that, rolling our hips into each other. His erection is huge and insistent behind the zipper of his jeans. Just one bad decision away.
Part of me has longed for this kind of closeness and connection with Connor for the last four years. This is how we could’ve been.
Connor huffs against my skin.
His erection pushes against my clit as he grinds against me. I chase the sensation, rocking against him, seeking more pressure. More slick slips into my panties, and his grip tightens.
“Don’t stop,” I groan into his ear.
“Fuck, Lana. You don’t know what you’re asking.”
Connor’s hands still my hips, and he clenches his eyes shut.
“We have to stop, or I’m going to fuck you in my car. Is that what you want?”
Slick trickles between my legs.
Connor’s eyes flare.
“I—”
My hands dive for his jeans, jerking the button open and working the zipper down. His cock pulses beneath the fabric.
Connor flattens his palm and slips his hand beneath the waistband of my jeans and panties.
His fingers have barely grazed the seam of my lips when the blare of a horn blasts through the cab. A semi speeds past us, painting the car in shadow.
We both go deathly still. There’s plenty of space between us and the eighteen-wheeler, but it’s the wake-up call we both needed.
I crawl back to the passenger seat and yank the handle of his car door open, half spilling out of it when I realize how steep the ditch is.
"Lana!"
I catch myself with my hands. Dirt and gravel bite into my skin, and my knees are scraped, but the haze of lust has cleared some.
Connor exits and walks around the car to me.
“How bout that walk?” I squeak. My body is still lit up, blood rushing and nerves sparking in that awful state of denied climax.
Connor stands several yards away, taking deep breaths that expand his diaphragm.
“I’m sorry. That was too much.”
I’m torn between agreeing with him and vehemently disagreeing.
He tears his fingers through his hair. “I know I have no claim to you, but my alpha—he thinks otherwise sometimes.”
I swallow.
“Warn me if you’re going to come around smelling like another alpha again. Please.”
“You’re not going to murder Roy if you come across him on campus, are you?”
“What’s Roy’s last name?”
I bite back a grin.
“He’s not even attracted to women, if that makes you feel any better. My old roommate. We both smelled god awful to each other.”
Connor scrubs the back of his neck. “That ought to make me feel better, but the thought of any alpha’s scent on you—. Fuck, I don’t know what’s going on with me.”
I gesture toward the thicket of woods. “There’s a hiking trail near here.”
Connor gives a stiff nod. “Let’s go. Need to let the car air out.”
“I could call a ride?—”
“ No,” he snarls. Then takes another breath. “I don’t think I can handle watching you leave with someone else. Let’s just walk.”
We hike in silence for a few miles, Connor keeping a healthy distance from me.
Being in the woods clears my senses somewhat. It reminds me of the night of the mating ceremony, when Connor wasn’t there. We’re not far from the piece of land the ceremonies are held on.
It sends my thoughts down a dark path. Am I letting him get too close? I nearly ground myself to orgasm in his lap. Much longer off the suppressants, and he’ll be able to recognize me as his mate.
I’m doing a great job at setting myself up for heartbreak.
“What’s wrong?”
I turn around to face him with a frown, walking backwards. “What gave it away?”
“Your scent is like a fucking air raid siren to me right now, Lana. It’s impossible to miss.”
“I was just thinking about us. High school. Cassandra.” It’s close enough to the truth.
“Stop. You’re upsetting yourself.”
This is a day of historic firsts, so I let slip a question that’s plagued me for the past three years.
“Do you regret it?”
Connor stops walking.
“You’re going to need to be more specific. I’ve done a lot worth regretting.”
“That night.”
He’s silent for several long seconds. It feels like a small eternity.
“Yes.”
No explanation. No elaboration. Just yes .
This is what I got for not asking open-ended questions.
We continue to walk in silence. My throat is parched, but I don’t say anything to Connor. He’ll want to turn back, and I’m not ready to get back in an enclosed space with him.
He lobs the next ball.
“Why haven’t you gone to a heat center? Had someone assist you?”
I freeze. The forest goes silent around us. He stops moving, too.
“Because it’s fucking terrifying, okay? Intimacy with a stranger, during such a vulnerable time, when I haven’t—haven’t even?—”
“Haven’t what, Birdy?”
He didn’t know? I felt like I walked around with a neon sign on my chest flashing VIRGIN .
“I haven’t been with anyone.”
Connor’s inhale is ragged. “Oh.”
“Yeah, oh .”
He walks up behind me and rests his chin on top of my head. His fingers trail down my arms.
“Once upon a time, you trusted me with that duty. Do you still trust me, Birdy?”
I can’t get enough air. Something claws inside my chest, trying to break free.
“What are you saying?”
"Spend your heat with me. I'll take care of you. You won’t have anything to be afraid of.”
My heart thunders in my chest. He’s thinking about my heat and how I don’t have an alpha’s cock to ride through it. How that could be him—knotting me, spilling inside me, claiming me like he should have three years ago. I fail to strangle the spike of lust that flares between my thighs.
Is he suggesting we be heat partners, friends with benefits, or something more? The idea sends my body into a panic.
Connor doesn’t miss it. I can tell from the way his body goes stiff against my back. By the subtle shifts in his scent.
“Say yes.”
I need to squash this, now .
“And Cassandra?”
“I told you?—”
I spin around in his arms, facing him.
“That you’re on a break. That you’re not together right now. You’ve given me every indication that your separation is temporary. And when you two inevitably get back together, how will that play out? I just got you back as a friend, Connor. I don’t can’t lose that again.”
His hand grips my chin. “I haven’t thought about Cassandra since the moment you walked back into my life. I want you . Maybe I always have.”
Maybe, maybe, maybe.
“You don’t know what you’re saying. You’re high on fucking—fucking pheromones.”
“I missed you so much.”
“I don’t want to hear it.”
I try to pull away from him, but Connor won’t let me break free. “Just listen. Part of me always wondered if it was you. If we were at a mating ceremony together, would we spark? I’ve been struggling, realizing that wasn’t the case.”
Blood pulses between my ears. He’s far too close to the truth for comfort.
“We haven’t been friends in a long time, Connor.”
“And whose fault is that?”
My breath stutters. I slam my palm against his chest. “Yours! It’s your fucking fault! You weren’t there when it mattered most.”
He pulls me into a hug that compresses my ribs and buries his nose in my hair.
“I know. But you needed to say it.”
I try to pull away, and he traps me against him. His body is so big and warm. I want to just collapse into his embrace. I’m so tired of resisting.
“In high school, you pulled away so fast, put up all these barriers between us and turned into a hollow version of yourself. I should never have let that happen.”
I don’t realize I’m crying until I feel moisture sliding down my cheeks, tracking through dried sweat. Then I’m shaking in his arms, and Connor is holding me tight against him, rubbing little circles into the knot between my shoulders.
“Let it out, baby. You’ve been carrying it for too long. It's my turn now.”
I cry until I run out of tears. My nose is snotty and my eyes are swollen and Connor’s so warm and perfect that I never want to move.
Connor sighs. “You need to choose an alpha, Lana. Even if it’s not me. Even if it’s just someone to make sure you stay hydrated and keep your batteries charged. But a knot would be better?—”
“Stop.”
“You know I’m right. I’m betting Kanata told you the same thing. You need to heal.”
I sniffle and swipe snot away from my nose.
“Why would you offer to see me through it?”
He grins and gestures between us. “We’re obviously compatible. And I’ve always carried a torch for you, Lana.”
I scoff. “No, you haven’t. You only chased betas in high school. You never looked at me that way?—”
“Oh, I looked. You just didn’t see. I didn’t want you to.”
I’m stunned. He can’t be serious right now. Had all of this been avoidable from the start? All the pain and longing?—
“Why would you hide that from me? It doesn’t make any fucking sense.”
Connor puts his hand on my shoulders.
“Look. I was a stupid kid, raised on dad’s bedtime stories of his epic mate bond with my mother.
How no one could ever come close to her after she passed.
I loved you. You were my best friend in the entire fucking world.
Where other people just saw the alpha jock with a reputable last name, you saw me . ”
“Exactly—”
“Stop. Let me finish. I’ve had a lot of time to dwell over the past three years.
I think part of me was afraid to try things between us.
Afraid to go to that mating ceremony with you.
If we weren’t a match, it would just confirm my worst fears.
And if we dated, and one of us found our mate later?
It would ruin us, Lana. I never wanted to lose you like that. ”
My gut aches with his revelations. We’ve been dancing around each other for years, always just passing each other by. One plane landing as another departs.
My head is a riot right now, my body still alight from his attentions. The sun is dropping fast, and we’re already five miles into the woods.
“Don’t give me your answer right now. Just tell me you’ll think about it.”
I nod.
Connors wipes away my tears and takes me by the hand. “Come on. Let’s turn back.”