53
Feel Nothing
Amanda
I miss out on anything that happens on Saturday. I’m snuggled up with Mikael, watching a movie marathon in his room like I’m in high school, sneaking time with a guy.
He doesn’t say much. He brings me food and aspirin for my aching body. Massages me when I get uncomfortable. He’s just there, a quiet, steady presence for me to rest against. It’s a lot like how I imagined it would be with him. Except for all the coddling. I never would have thought I’d accept this kind of treatment. If anyone else did it, I’d slap them in the face. Maybe it’s because I know if I smacked Mikael, he would not tolerate it in the least. I don’t think he’d hurt me, but he would punish me in ways I can’t even pretend to know.
Ace acts as if he’s a devotee to a vengeful goddess. Mikael is like a knight to a princess. Jake treats me like I’m a queen, and he’s the bloodthirsty assassin standing behind me to be unleashed when I choose. It’s so different from anything I’ve ever known or dreamed of.
These men have broken me into pieces and put me back together with exactly what I need. I can’t imagine leaving here.
Way too early Sunday morning, I slide from under the covers, trying not to wake Mikael from his sprawl. He sleeps on his stomach, and for some reason, seeing it makes me pause to watch. Even in sleep, he looks calm and in control of everything.
My body has a few minor complaints, but nothing like it has been. A good stretch will help me out.
I tiptoe down the steps because there’s a hush over this giant home that speaks of exhaustion and stress. Today, I don’t feel any of that. No doom feeling. No anger. Just a normal day.
It’s weird as hell.
Something inside is telling me this is the calm before the storm, which means I better live it up.
I get to my room and dress for some light exercise. As I pick Jakob up from the bed, I notice my phone. Tucked underneath it is a note.
Too much exercise, but an excellent show.
XOXO
Jake
“You perv,” I mutter and stuff the note in the nightstand drawer. My eyes narrow on the purple pair of panties thoughtfully.
“Now, who’s the perv?” I roll my eyes at myself and shove those thoughts aside.
I make my way outside, hoping there isn’t an alarm for the doors. That would be a shitty way to wake up. Then again, there are maids everywhere when I come out, and the metal shutters are gone. Someone can turn it off.
I pace out to the green grass and give Jakob a spin.
I’m seriously out of practice. There wasn’t much call for a secretary at a bank to break into a routine. I want to do it. See if I’ve really still got that grace and poise. One more time, at least.
I start with a slow stretch that’s familiar. Then, a light warmup. By the time the sun is almost all the way up, my body has regained the old flow, and I start one of my routines without much thought. The only thing I need to worry about is technique and foot placement.
My breathing is uneven as I finish. While it wasn’t as smooth as it could have been, it was much better than I thought it would be. I’m coated in sweat, my hands burning from the twirls I’m no longer used to. I should have grabbed the gloves but it didn’t occur to me. My wrists and fingers have a familiar ache in them from the exercise.
I turn to trudge inside for breakfast and startle when I see Cade.
He has his arms crossed over his chest as he relaxes on a lounge chair I hadn’t noticed. There are several more around him and a low table in the center. I was out here with Shade the other day and passed over it. That’s not good. I need to be paying closer attention to my surroundings.
“How long have you been doing that?” He asks, his tone impressed despite his dour expression.
I raise a brow in question, still trying to catch my breath.
“The baton thing,” he relaxes his arms to point at Jakob.
“Since elementary,” I admit as I approach.
I’m tempted to just pass him by and go inside, but there’s something wrong. I can’t tell exactly what it is. Something has set an alarm bell off inside me. Not the doom feeling, something else. Almost like the pending breakup speech you know is coming, and you can’t stop it. But we aren’t dating. Maybe it’s about one of the other guys.
I drop into the seat across from him with narrowed eyes. Sitting reminds me of the ache between my thighs, but it’s a mellow twinge now.
Cade seems surprised at the move. He straightens up and frowns at me.
“What?” He asks warily.
“Just spit out what’s wrong and get it over with,” I glare back.
“Nothing is wrong.”
Wow. Is this denial or a flimsy excuse? I don’t believe it.
I keep quiet, leaning back in my chair as if I’m settling in. His brows furrow over the move, watching me like I’m an animal about to attack him. When I stay quiet, he starts to fidget in his seat. His eyes look away from me and back again.
“ What ?” He finally snaps at the end of his patience.
“You’re lying,” I tell him casually with a shrug. Either he came out here to watch me throw Jakob around for fun, or he came out here to mope. I’d call it brooding but Cade seems more of a moper. Ace would brood.
His eyes widen in surprise. He opens and closes his mouth a few times without making a sound. I tap my fingers on Jakob, waiting impatiently.
He settles on a scowling expression.
“Sometimes being seen sucks.”
I raise a curious brow, a little confused.
“Maybe I said nothing is wrong because I don’t want to talk about it,” his tone has turned petulant, and he can’t meet my eyes. As soon as he’s done talking, a sense of melancholy falls over him, making me uncomfortable.
“Maybe you should anyway,” I tell him cautiously. He looks two steps away from going to bed with a tequila bottle. It’s not even noon yet.
I recognize this. I went through it myself after I left Blake. It’s the same but not. His sadness seems older. So old that it’s worn him out, like a pattern he can’t escape no matter how hard he tries.
After a long silence, he finally mutters, “I miss my dad.”
The words hit me in the heart like a hammer. I miss my dad, too. The difference is I can make a phone call to relieve that. Cade can’t.
It’s my turn to go quiet as he gazes off at nothing.
“My dad is the one that got me into baton twirling,” I admit. Cade looks at me with a raised brow. “He said I could compete without being close enough to hit people when they pissed me off. He forgot that there would be other girls with me, and I could throw it on accident .”
His lips twitch into a weak smile. “Mine got me into football.”
I nod with a huff of laughter. “The old American pastime.”
“I was good at it. Really good. I might have been able to go pro.”
He doesn’t say it like he’s showing off. The words are dripping with regret and a heavy sense of despair.
“Dad would be pissed to know I gave it up.”
My brows furrow as I think back to my dad’s anger when I told him I wasn’t going any further with being a majorette. It was right after I met Blake. I wanted to spend all my time with him instead. I let go of a lot of things for that piece of shit.
“I gave it up to be with Blake,” I sneer. “My dad wanted to strangle me.”
“Seriously? For that guy?” He gives me a look of disgust. Like he’s any better.
“Yeah. He never liked Blake and wasn’t shy about saying so. It’s why we moved out here. He got over the baton stuff, but he never got over his dislike of Blake. Good call on his part.”
Cade shakes his head like he’s disappointed.
“The point is,” I glare at him, “yeah, your dad might have been mad, but he would have gotten over it because he loves you no matter what stupid shit you do. You can miss him, but don’t cut his love for you short.”
Cade’s eyes turn sharp on me. I expect something cutting to come out of his mouth, but he stays quiet.
“Time passes. Being pissed at your mistakes gets to be pointless and boring. You either let it rest as it is or fix it.”
“It’s a little late for me to go back to playing,” Cade smirks as if he’s being funny.
“Then maybe you aren’t as good as you say,” I mock him with a smile.
“Fuck you,” he glares.
“You’re really defensive about it. Another sure sign you suck,” I nod with a sigh.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” his anger turns into a bitter smirk.
“Then show me,” I gesture to the open lawn.
“Fuck off,” he shuts down just as fast, crossing his arms again. He even looks off in the distance as if he’s dismissing me.
I pull my phone out and shoot off a few texts. Jake entered everyone’s numbers to make sure I had as many ways to reach them as possible. He made his number my SOS alert and my only favorite.
Who knows if it will work, but I’m willing to bet they’ll have his back—if they even know what they’re doing.
Five minutes later, Jake comes out in shorts and a tank top.
“Cadey! Let’s go!”
Cade turns to him with a scowl.
“Go where?”
Jake raises a brow and looks at me with a sly grin. “Our imp wants to watch us play together.”
I almost choke. “That isn’t what I meant, and you know it!”
My sputtered protest comes with cheeks turned red with embarrassment.
“Dirty girl,” Jake winks. “I meant the game. What perversions did Mikael teach you yesterday?”
Jake grabs Cade’s arm and yanks him out of his seat. A lot of dark cursing and shoving comes out of Cade. While the words are furious and sharp, the shoves don’t have much effect.
Ace comes out holding a football, followed by Mikael.
“Hey, darlin’,” Ace leans down to give me a lingering kiss.
“Hey,” I give him a soft smile that surprises him. His lips are on mine again fiercely before I can say anything else.
“I love that look,” he rasps and kisses my cheek before he passes me.
“ Rakas ,” Mikael raises a brow.
For some God-awful reason, I feel shy. Maybe it’s because I absolutely lost control yesterday, and he had to put me back together so I could be coherent. Or the fact that Jake apparently saw the whole thing. Speaking of.
“Mik?” I ask, my lips turning up in a tiny smirk.
“Yes?” He braces his hands on the arms of the chair and leans in until our eyes can meet.
I reach out and tug on the neck of his shirt. “Would you mind tackling Jake as much as you can today?”
Both his brows go up in surprise, asking a silent question.
“We may have had a witness to our workout,” I tell him with a roll of my eyes.
He lets out a soft chuckle.
“As if you’re upset. Your body was made to be coveted by any who see it.”
My lips part in surprise. He takes advantage to leave a soft kiss on my lower lip and walks away.
What can I say to that?
“At least he got to watch my boobs bounce,” I snark under my breath.
That. That’s what I can say to that. But it’s lacking a lot.
“Did you record it?” Mikael calls to Jake casually.
My eyes go wide as heat refills my cheeks so fast I feel like I got set on fire.
“Why watch reruns when an exciting new episode of the Amanda Show is right around the corner? Who will be next as a guest star?” Jake laughs, dancing in place to warm up.
Ace glances between them with a frown that turns into a scowl.
“You tricksy fuck. You got no fuckin’ shame.”
“Too true,” Jake agrees easily.
“Shut the fuck up, all of you,” Cade bites out and paces away from them.
Before he can get far, Ace hauls back and launches the football at him. It hits him in the center of his back and bounces over his head to land in front of him. His feet freeze. I can see the building rage on his face. He’s looking right at me. I take a breath to put a stop to the teasing when his eyes move to the ball, and his expression becomes coated in pain. It’s entirely emotional. He looks ready to crumble at the sight of one ball rolling around at his feet.
Shit. I thought this might help. Me and my dumb ideas.
I set Jakob on the table and stand up, taking two steps toward him, when his eyes jerk up to meet mine. He takes in my expression, whatever it is, and his brows start to furrow. The confusion slowly morphs into surprise as he eyes my frozen form. My hand is lifted as if I could stop his crumbling from a distance.
Cade looks back at the ball and swiftly picks it up with one hand, his grip sure. When he straightens, he points it at me with a sly smirk.
“Sit down and get ready.”
I blink in surprise, my hand dropping to my side.
He turns his back on me and runs a finger along his left ear. For some reason, the move excites Jake.
“Cade’s team,” he calls and gets into position.
I’m expecting Ace and Mikael to trounce them. They’re both powerhouses against the two younger men. Ace has a menacing grin as he gets ready. Mikael looks perfectly calm, his eyes on Cade. Jake is watching Cade closely. He’s grinning, but underneath it, I can see his laser focus on the man, taking apart whatever he’s thinking before he even settles his feet.
As they begin, several things become apparent.
Jake and Cade move like a well-oiled machine together. Ace and Mikael are the same but slower. More mass means more weight. Jake dances away from Mikael with a purpose, shooting away and glancing back. Cade dodges Ace and rears back to launch the ball. I’m expecting it to fall short. Jake is a lot farther away than I thought he could be in mere seconds. The ball sails in a perfect arc and lands in Jake’s hands as if it was magnetized.
I gape as Jake jogs back, and they get ready to do it again. My eyes meet Cade’s as he retakes the ball. He smiles and winks at me. My damn heart stutters at the surprising attention, something that isn’t coated with sly charm at all. Just a man flirting with a woman he likes and strutting around like a peacock because he knows damn well he looks good.
I settle back to enjoy the show.
Ace takes a turn launching the football, and I’m hysterical as both Jake and Cade focus totally on Mikael. They both plow into him with heavy thuds and hang off of him like rabid dogs. Mikael just keeps running, stumbling sometimes but hauling them anyway. They’re so focused they don’t realize that Ace faked them out and is casually walking to the imaginary finish line. Mikael doesn’t stop until it’s too late.
A lot of cursing follows the play.
“There’s work to be done.”
Gabriel’s cold voice washes over me from behind. My laughter slowly dies. Behind me is a man frozen into work mode. In front of me, there are four men taunting each other like best friends.
“Oh yeah? What’s going on?” I ask him without turning around.
He hesitates and then says, “We don’t have anything yet.”
My lips firm at that. This asshole just straight-up lied to me. I could smell that bullshit from a mile away.
They have something, and they’re leaving me out of it.
I knew they would before they even had a chance to think about it. I’m not going to let it ruin me. I have my own team to work with.
I watch the rest of his team play around, mocking each other. Slapping each other on the back to celebrate until the lines between the two teams blur. Cade is good enough that all three of the others turn on him in a snap, dragging him down while he laughs.
“We need to focus.”
“Cade needs this,” I answer him flatly. My hand moves to pick Jakob off the table and settle it in my lap. I don't know why I need it for this conversation, but it helps shore me up.
“He could have this later,” he replies as if he’s a robot.
I blink, hurt by his refusal to see the people having a simple morning together. Enjoying themselves. Does he have to freeze out everyone else, too? Can’t they have something that isn’t all doom and gloom?
“Sometimes later is never ,” I bite back and stand, turning to leave. He ruined my enjoyment of this. This time, I’m the one walking away in disgust.
His hand snaps out to grab my wrist. I stop but refuse to look down at him. I can see his face tilted up, but not his expression. I’m focusing straight ahead, determined not to let him under my skin.
“Mana-chan. That isn’t what I meant,” he protests, his voice thawing for confusion to peek through.
“You know, this fucking mystery has ruined just about everything in my life. The least you could have done is give me one second to see them happy before it all falls to shit again. Work is the only thing that will always be there later, not life.”
I jerk my wrist away from him and keep moving.
Fucking asshole had to ruin the morning. I was great until his frigid ass showed up.
My eyes stray to the stairs as I consider taking Jakob for a different kind of warm-up in his pathetic replica of an office. I want to see if I can break that desk into pieces. See him work from the floor and whine about it.
I let out a tight breath and continue to the bedroom instead. I’ve got my own team to catch up with.
But Shade doesn’t have anything except a nagging feeling about their dad lingering in town. South wants to know my thoughts on the pictures that were sent. I mention the manor of doom, and she falls silent. No matter how much I beg her to take me to it, she tells me to get there on my own.
How am I supposed to do that with so many people around? I could try Monday. Request for Jake to stay with me. He’d be down for some sightseeing.
I turn the news on for something to distract me, but nothing new comes up. No one else has been taken out of the game.
This holding pattern has to break at some point, and I’m not sure I want it to.
Being stuck here sucks, no matter my company. I want to be able to go out freely. But the opposite is true, too. As soon as I leave my shelter, I’m dead. Unless I cling to South as hard as Shade does. I don’t think he would appreciate that and would let me know through violence.
I’m stuck.
I make my own lunch because no one comes out of hiding to eat. By dinner, I’m practically sulking and refusing to talk to anyone again.
Holding a grudge is a waste of time, but I’m currently clinging to it as the last tangible thing I have.
I’ve had a few days with them to be convinced it wasn’t anything more than them defending each other. They were actually a lot more gentle about it than I would have been. They didn’t know about what happened to me. They didn’t have any concerns about the cops because there were some on their payroll. No one here attacked me. No one here trashed my place.
The only thing left to be pissed about is Gabriel’s reaction after we had sex.
Even that has lost its meaning under the clear adoration of Ace and Mikael—even Jake. Knowing Cade isn’t a lost cause helps, too.
It makes me uneasy.
If all my worries are settling out, what do I have left before I die?
What if, against all odds, I survive? What will happen? Will any of their affection last without the mystery?