Chapter 43
CHAPTER FORTY-THREE
NATE
I find myself pacing whilst James is in the shower.
My heart is in my throat, sweat makes my palms clammy but it doesn't matter how much I wipe them against my shorts, nothing seems to stop it. I needed to shut this company down sooner rather than later, break it piece by piece like I planned.
And as for the money and where it was being sent, I didn't really care.
I was sure I knew where it was going anyway.
I just couldn't tell James.
Not now.
Not ever.
So, if I could get the company dissolved sooner rather than later, well, it would work a lot better for me.
I hear the bathroom door close, and I spin to look at her, skin all wet and silky, hair looks more brown when it's wet.
“You okay?” she asks me and I throw off the nerves.
“Yeah,” I swallow, “just going to jump in the shower,” and I walk pass her, my throat thickens as I do, my heart skipping a beat or two before I lock myself in the bathroom, gasping for air as I feel it being sucked from my lungs.
I needed to calm down.
I haven't done anything. I think just her opening up to me, our relationship seems to have sky rocketed to infinity and it scared me.
I was innocent.
She hired me to find out where the money was being filtered off too, that's it.
I just needed to prove my thoughts.
I mean it wasn't hard to piece it all together, and I knew who the missing pieces were... but I’m scared when I reveal it, she will run straight back to Rune and leave me broken, on my knees, my heart in my hands as it bleeds for only her.
Only her.
Always her.
Peeling my clothes from me, I turn the faucet on and step under the walk-in shower, the hot water scalding my body, but I welcome it.
Scrubbing soap into my skin with a luffa, I don't stop until I feel the soreness seeping through, the surface irritated. I drop the luffa and cover my face with my hands as I feel the water wash over me, washing away the guilt that seems to be consuming me inside out.
But again, why am I feeling guilty?
Is it because I feel for James? Feel that I walked away from an unlovable family but yet James selflessly lost hers?
Dragging my hands down my face, I sigh as I drop my head forward and watch as the water escapes down the plug.
Sudding my hands, I scrub them through my hair and wash it until my arms ache and again, drop my head forward and watch as the suds disappear into nothing.
A knock on the door has me straightening myself up as I turn the faucet and grab a white, fluffy, warm towel and wrap it around my waist, padding forward as I unlock the door, her eyes look frantic.
“What's happened?” my eyes flit back and forth between hers.
“You've been in there ages,” she whispers, and it's not until I look at her I notice that she is dressed, her hair dried and in loose waves. She wears a pretty sage dress, and nude looking sandals. Her skin a little pink from catching the sun today and I frown that she got burned.
“Sorry,” my voice is quiet as I step past her and I hear the sound of her shoes flopping behind me, the scent of her sweet perfume following.
“Nate,” she catches me off guard as she slips her hand into mine and tugs me towards her, “have I upset you?” and I see the vulnerability on her face and my fucking heart drops into my chest.
“No baby, God no,” I whisper as I cup her face in my hand, my thumb brushing a tear that escapes, glistening down her cheek.
“Then what is it?” she whispers, edging her lips towards me, dusting them but I pull away which only has her recoiling.
“It's just work, this whole Secure Corp is getting messy and the last thing I want is for you to get dragged into this even more than you already are,” and I hate that I lied to her so easily.
“Then back out,” her eyes volley between mine, I can see she is terrified.
“I wish I could, but I am in too deep...” I pause for a moment, “I'm back in the depth of the woods.”
The look on her face breaks my heart. It's vulnerable and trusting, helpless but hopeful, yet she can't seem to show me just how she is feeling.
She drops my hand and steps back.
“Shall I just go home Nate? Is this how we're going to spend the next five days with you in too deep with work?” she folds her arms across her chest, and I shake my head from side to side.
“I just need to get out of my head, just need to push it aside and I really am trying,” I squeeze out as her eyes trail across my body and my red, irritated arms.
They widen and I can see straight into her soul.
She’s frightened and I am the one to instil that fear into her.
“Can I help?” she asks softly but she doesn't drop her guard, her arms still locked together.
“Wish you could,” I shrug a shoulder up and give a half-sided smile.
She just nods, sinking her teeth into her bottom lip before she turns her back on me and grabs her purse then slips her phone inside of it.
“I'll meet you at the bar,” and I don't even have a chance to respond as she closes the door behind her.
Sitting on the edge of the bed, I open my legs, resting my elbows on my knees as I drop my head into my hands.
I needed to man up.
I needed to work out what actually happened on the day James' parents died.
I needed to find out the truth.
Dressed in linen pants and a white open collard shirt with sandals, I close the door behind me as I make the slow and lonely walk to the main hotel bar.
No doubt James has told the girls that I had pissed her off, I mean, she was allowed to, they were her friends as well. It's not as simple as me just admitting to what I already know, this will blow up, massively and I have no idea if she will stay with me to watch the devastation unfold, or if she will run and take cover as I stand in the crossfire, letting the bullets hit and sink into my skin one by one.
Nerves prick at the base of my neck, a migraine teetering at my temples and I know it's because I have wound myself up in a state of guilt-ridden frenzy over nothing... sort of... kind of.
I am so lost in my thoughts, I don't even realise for at least two minutes that I am walking beside Dex and Sage.
“Nate?” his voice splinters through me as I drag my weary eyes to him.
“Oh, hey,” I plaster a forced smile on my lips and Sage holds her hand up in an attempt at a wave.
“Heading to the bar?” and I swear he asks the question just to make conversation.
“Yeah, going to meet James. I took too long to get ready,” and Dex's eyes sweep over me before they meet my gaze. “Are you heading there too?” I find myself asking, but not that I really care in all honesty.
All I can think about is her.
“Yeah, we're all going for dinner,” he chuckles but I catch the way he looks at Sage in a what the fuck look.
“Sure, sure,” I nod, rubbing my hand across my mouth and internally kicking myself.
Dex nods for Sage to keep walking and he hangs back for a moment, grabbing my shoulder, halting me and I ignore the way my skin burns at having his hand on me.
He watches until she disappears and then he faces me.
“What is going on man?” his eyes dart between mine as if he is looking for something to explain my mood but I am too good at hiding my emotions. My mask is always up.
Except with her.
“Nothing, just work shit,” I shrug a shoulder up and with my spare hand, run it through my hair in frustration.
“You sure?” he raises a brow, now stepping in front of me as he looks at me, eyes burning through me. “I know we're not the closest, but I am always here for you, will always offer an ear... a bit of advice...” and I can see how sincere he is and my heart rattles in my chest and I nod heavily.
“I appreciate that man,” I place my hand on his chest, “but honestly, I'll be okay. I got too in my head, just takes me a while to get back out of it,” I smirk as Dex straightens and then steps back, nodding back as he pushes the door open for me to walk through.
We walk to the main bar in silence, but I catch the side-eye he gives me every few seconds.
“I promise I'm okay,” I chuckle and even just that small check in has made me feel a little lighter in some way.
“Always here,” he gives me a soft pat on the back as we turn the corner to the main bar and I see all my friends sitting there, all lost in conversation and it's like they don't even notice that I am missing, but deep down I know they wouldn't think like that, it's just my shitty brain reminding me of a time where I was so irrelevant, even to my own family, that they never noticed for nearly a month that I was missing.
This is my daily battle.
If they could forget me so easily, my own flesh and blood, how was I supposed to let anyone truly in?
“There he is,” Kaleb's voice booms around the room and he is beaming at me, wide toothy grin and all.
I hold my hand up a little awkward as everyone turns to look at me, but all I care about is her and how she looks at me.
I wait a moment as she twists, pouty lips and sparkling blue eyes, I suck in a breath and refuse to release it for a beat or two, waiting for her to give me that look... and it didn't take long at all.
Releasing my breath, the corners of my lips lift and my eyes finally soften because that's all I needed.
For her to look at me like I hung the moon, the stars and the galaxies.
For her to look at me like I was her world.
Her entirety.
And my fucking heart implodes in my chest.
In the best. fucking. way.
Dex breaks away from me and moves to Sage, placing his lips against her neck as he wraps her in his arms.
I swallow my pride and step forward, my steps getting quicker as I close in and I meet her as she pushes to stand, but she doesn't even get a chance to let her feet hit the ground when I swoop her up, her arms wrap up around my neck and I envelope her in my arms, holding her close to me and I feel the way my heart syncs with hers in a steady rhythm.
“I'm sorry,” I whisper into her neck, holding onto her tightly.
“You don't have to say sorry,” she says softly but I know deep down I needed to say the words. I needed her to know I was sorry... and just not about tonight, but for what might come in the next few weeks.
“I know, but I am James. Truly.”